MLC = my last chance

[job]

Gwen,
I'm sorry he's not been in contact, but many of them disappear around this time of the year. If your daughters have not heard from him by Christmas Eve, I would offer up this as a suggestion...have them text him "Merry Christmas". He may respond back to them.

No, you didn't imagine him leaning into you. At that time, he was very much in love w/you. I realize that a year has come and gone, but in that time, he's lost his way on the Yellow Brick Road and the love he had for you then is still very much alive, but stuffed way down into his soul right now. He's suffering internally and until he can heal his pain, he's going to be out there walking the path around the world. What you experienced last year was not an illusion, it was real.

Travel safely tomorrow and try to enjoy the holiday. Think of him overseas on a business trip and is unable to come home right now.

[123Gwen]

Thanks Job. Ironically last night girls got an overnight envelope. Two gift cards each inside a hallmark card. He said he loved them and asked them to call him. One D was angry and thought she was being bribed. She wanted a real letter with a real apology. Other D said it was good he did something for Christmas but she is not reciprocating. I empathized with each of them and said while they do deserve more at this point he is doing what he is able. I didn't defend him but I said that really how is this not going to be awkward. It is just going to be hard this year but don't bolt the door shut on your relationship with your father. I explained they can decide what their future R with Dad will be when they are ready. I said I support them 100% and this is a process. They were upset but it was better thN if he didn't contact them at all.

I hope H doesn't blame me if they don't call or text him. I can't make them. They are too old and I can't ask young women to put aside their feelings for a man who ran away with a woman who came into our home and pretended to be a friend. I just can't ask them to ignore his blatant behavior and running off the way he did.

Ok I am just too wound up. I have to detach. I am in my home state and I am with my children and we are healthy. It is Christmas and I need to embrace the present because that is the gift. Trite but true.

[123Gwen]

It is 3 am and I just can't sleep. This burden on my heart is so heavy sometimes. The emotions are so powerful and the loneliness is like nothing I've felt before. Yesterday I was surrounded by people and noise but yet I felt so alone. I am sure this is common. It just hurts so deeply.

The girls and I each texted H Merry Christmas. He replied to them relieved to be hearing from them. H replied to me he hoped I am having a nice time visiting my folks. It was civil and it was positive as it was able to be during this first holiday.

I really want to text him right now. Simply saying Merry Christmas feels awful and impersonal. I just miss the man I married today. He should be here but playing the "woulda, shoulda, coulda game" is a no win proposition. I understand that asking for more is just not going to be met with anything positive right now. H is probably spending Christmas with OW. Maybe even her kids. I think it is better if I don't know.

So here I am posting in the wee hours of the morning so I don't make a fool out of myself.

[Mighty]

Gwen,

I have not really checked up on anyone in awhile, and when I have, it has been sporadic.

I'm sorry I'm not caught up on your recent sitch, but I read your last post. My heart breaks for you. I understand that all to well. You did the right thing by coming here. it is so hard and difficult and lonely.

I know you hear "it gets better" and it may not sound very comforting, but it really does. For me, hearing that made me sad. Like getting used to being without my h and it being OK was a difficult concept.

But it did. Sometimes I really enjoy it. Others I still feel alone. But nothing like what I did. What you are feeling now. So Gwen, it really does get better.

I also know how empty it feels spending holidays without him. It is heart-wrenching. My dad commented to me this year how much happier I was compared to last year.

Here's the thing, Gwen. Not sure if you are aware of my sitch or not... but let me tell you why you hear "It gets better," or "It gets easier."

Xh is around these days. No longer with hww. But he wasn't around for family functions (with my fam). I felt better because I knew that I was OK. It really didn't matter about him anymore. I don't even know if I want him or not anymore. But I am happier because I am stronger. I know I have choices in my life. These choices are not all determined on xh; they are about me. That makes me feel good. And even though my life is a big unknown right now, very uncertain, and a lot of questions, I feel better because I am stronger. Don't let me fool ya.... I've got a long way to go yet. But finding some inner strength and peace can go a long way.

The loneliness you feel, even when with others.... that stinks. But that will come with time. You will have good moments... and they will slowly become more frequent.

Hang in there, my friend.

[HeavyD]

It does get better a little bit every day. Progress is measured by millimeters but there will be moments you smile, and a moment where your kid makes you laugh. These moments will become greater and greater.

Trying to get there myself . The Christmas holidays were just awful. Next year I am taking my kids back to Georgia forep some family time, just us.

Hang on

[Georgiabelle]

Gwen,

I'm so sorry you had a difficult day. The holidays have always seemed to be a challenge for many whether life seems great or difficult. Mighty is spot on. It really does get better.

And it gets better because you start to realize more about yourself and your children. Not that you didn't before, although you realize that your h has to go on this journey..and well, they need to go on the journey. It's not an open invitation.

This time last year I wondered if it was our last holiday as an intact family. It was and I was the driver of much of that. Although I did love my xh very much, I also feel like a giant weight has been lifted off of me most days. I know many here don't share that feeling-it's just that I do. That doesn't mean that I did not want to save my M or keep my family together. I just realized I really needed to let him go...for him AND for me. And it has not always been easy. However, it has gotten much better even thought I frequently sound like a 16 yr old boy on my thread:)

Focus on you and your girls. Every day has some magic in it. You will be better than ever. Know that.

[123Gwen]

Happy New Year. I got through the holidays. too tired last night to do anything special but that was a blessing in a way.

Yesterday had to text H about insurance. D16 has been having headaches and almost passed out yesterday. It could be a lot of things (blood pressure, anxiety, etc.) but definitely time to get it checked it out by a doctor.

A way asked for the info. Got info. Said thank you and he replied sure. Not one question on why D was going to the doctor. Just another observation that makes me sad. Wouldn't you ask? I did not want to alarm H so I thought I'd just verify insurance but if he asked I would be open. H didn't inquire at all. I guess I thought that's how he'd react but still it just hurts my heart. When did he become this cold? I was I crazy all these years? Did I imagine his love and concern for the girls?

I mean he has us insured and a set amount is auto deducted every payday. We seem to be nothing more than an electric bill.

[job]

Gwen,
You aren't crazy. You had a good marriage until the crisis took over. You have to remember, they are off in their own little worlds and are only thinking of themselves right now. Spouses, family, old friends, and pets aren't on their radar at the moment. Eventually that will change, but it's going to be a while before that happens. Keep your expectations of him dialed down to 0-1. The man you knew is not there right now. You have to accept him for who he is today, i.e., a stranger or a distant relative.

I hope that your daughter will be okay. She may be coming down w/a bug that is floating around. I agree, she needs to be looked at by a doctor to actually find out what may be going on.

Please take care of yourself and your daughter. As for your h, well, he's still circling the earth and will be for quite some time.

[123Gwen]

Thanks Job for your kind words. I guess my biggest struggle is this whole "no contact" "dark & dim""LRT" is just fancy talk for leave them be and get on with your life. It is not fighting for your marriage but giving up. H is free with no resistance or contact from his wife or children.

I mean Job am I fooling myself into thinking he'll wake up? Having him live so far away in a place we never even visited. He has begun a new life with a clean slate and the OW meets him every weekend. She preyed on us to influence this outcome. I fear with the passage of time we are nothing but long lost relatives. He is becoming a ghost to us too. My girls are not more forgiving with time and distance.

I am moving forward. I will survive but letting it all go without resistance is not how I am wired. Friends and family will tell you I am fiercely loyal. I wonder if H is counting on that loyalty to be so cruel. Indifference is far more cruel than anger.

Just struggling with LRT and going dark when H has run away. I think I am really being just a LBS with no other options.

[Shining]

Happy New Year, Gwen:)

Job knows her stuff.... In crisis, they become someone we no longer know. They are motivated only by what is in it for them, and what they believe will make them feel better.

It took me so long to wrap my head around this. Here they are, one day treating us as we knew them, then seemingly out of the blue, they become a complete stranger. It still baffles me.

It feels counterintuitive to let go. It can be done lovingly. Letting go isn't necessarily giving up hope. It's leaving him to his journey, so he can learn what he missed long before you were in the picture.

There are several reasons for going NC, dark and dim...leaving him to his journey.

One, he needs the space to figure himself out. He can not do it if he is constantly looking over his shoulder at you. He has to do this completely on his own.

Two, he is in crisis, and he associates his pain with the life he had with you. Whether or not your M was perfect is irrelevant. It is simply how he views it right now. He can not look inward yet, and until he can and does, you will be the main object from which he needs to distance. Contact with him reminds him of his pain, and triggers his irrational urge to keep running. For now. He has to exhaust all other possibilities before he looks at himself. It will be a long time.

Three, his crisis is still very early. This is a long, tough, road, Gwen. It's best for you to not see all he is doing right now. They do some bizarre stuff, and if a R is possible in the future, the less you see and know, the less you will have in your memory to have to sort through. That's my opinion....some believe they want to know all. To me, nothing good can come from that.

Four, yeah, it kind of is fancy talk for leave them be and get on with your life. Getting on with your life doesn't have to mean you move on with someone new, it means you choose to live for YOU, regardless of him. Life is too precious to be wasted. Make a bucket list of things you have always wanted to do, and DO them. You will not regret it, whether he comes through his tunnel or not.

Mine is so deep in the tunnel. Whether he ever comes out, no one knows. I've been almost completely NC with him since before Thanksgiving. I kept thinking last summer, that I could keep him in my peripheral vision. That didn't serve me well. So, I have let him go.

I'm almost certain, as strange as this may sound, that one day, even years or decades from now, my H will regret all he has done. I believe he loves me. I believe he will want me back, but will not necessarily have the courage to face it all.

I also believe it will go to D. This fact used to send me into a panic. Now, it means almost nothing. I feel I am already D, so it changes nothing.

Even if it does, no one knows what will happen down the road. Marriages have been known to go all the way to D, and then reconcile.

Time will tell. Live, Gwen. Learn about you. Love you even more than you did before.

(((((Hugs)))))