The Goddess of the Goats Sees Into The Future

[jim0987]

Just be you, because you're awesome

[123Gwen]

GG - I think all your emotions are valid. In a relationship we experience so much and over the length of a marriage....In the aftermath of all this MLC it is easy to lose sight of the scope of those emotions. I guess we get bogged down in analysis and history.

I think you can love and not be in love. I think when you give yourself to feel all of it then that is a huge step toward forgiveness and acceptance. There are people who D or R and just never get all the way to that place. The place where the whole enchilada of life is just unconditionally accepted. The good, the bad and it is only then that we can truly forgive.

I hope to get there someday. I think you are closer than you realize. You just are a bit scared of the whole enchilada. It is scary but go for it GG. Be your awesome self and go for it!

[jim0987]

GGG, to feed your curiosity.

Pseudopsychology, Quackery and other adventures in the land of futile mind reading

WARNING: this is entirely my take on things based on what I’ve read here, what I’ve read elsewhere and a whole bunch of mind reading and transference from what’s gone on in my head at various points. It’s a country mile outside the scope and advice of DB’g and so if you’re looking for useful I’d skip to whatever the next post is

.....he believes that he needs someone who doesn’t really know the ‘real’ him, because he believes the real him is ugly

Imagine for a second (and only for a second) that you truly believe that no one likes you, that no one could like you and that everyone who seems to like you is only doing so either through some sense of obligation, because it’s some kind of charity, because they are using you or because you have managed to trick them somehow.

Your goal then becomes to try and hide the real you to enjoy these fleeting moments while they last because they aren’t going to last. Sooner or later the other person is going to crack, they will abandon you, betray you and tell you what they really think. You already know what they really think and that’s that they don’t like you but they aren’t telling you and so they obviously don’t like you because if they did why would they be so dishonest about how they really feel - You don’t lie to people you like and their current niceness is just going to make the inevitable betrayal worse.

So now you’re looking for the chinks, the little lies, the indicators that tell you what’s really going, because if they are lying about liking you then what else are they lying about? Are they stringing you a long to take advantage of you in other ways. So you start checking, controlling, withholding, defending so that so that you can stop it happening, protect yourself from it and be ready for it. But that doesn’t seem to work you still feel vulnerable and scared. Now you have so much invested in this and what if it’s not right, because if they really loved you they wouldn’t ever be [INSERT EMOTION], They wouldn’t say [INSERT COMMENT] and they would always be happy to [INSERT ACTION] and they wouldn’t have [INSERT GRIEVANCE]. So they can’t love you, who would and now you have proof.

It’s a painful place to live. And certainly not somewhere to dwell.

As this all builds up they try and compensate in other ways to try and improve their ‘offer’ because on their own they know they aren’t enough so there has to be other things. This can including making sure they have a partner that makes them look good (Smarter, funnier, more attractive, richer) but they can only manage this because they’ve managed to trick them. And so there is something to feel really guilty for now as well.

They are constantly making comparisons about however people are smarter, richer, better looking, funnier and they feel vulnerable that their partner will see it as well and ditch them for the better choices that are there because after all everyone is a better choice.

By now there is a constant nagging sense of inadequacy, insecurity, vulnerability and guilt and so they try harder to compensate or distract from this (maybe dive into an addiction to numb the pain, or throw themselves into work, or a new hobby)

Over time though the fear and the anxiety doesn’t go away and they start to feel resentment for everything they are having to do, all the hoops they have to jump through. After a while two thoughts start occurring in their head
‘Why do you not love me after all I’ve done?’
‘I do so much to make you happy so why aren’t you making me happy’

They never realising that was never the problem - its always been
‘I don’t love me, so how can you’

he holds on so tightly to this ^^^^ that he doesnt even realise - its ingrained in him and affects everything he does.

One day it all comes to a head and one or the other has had enough and walks away. (Sometimes because they see new and shiny and think that will make them happy)

NOTE: I’m going to assume from here on that it’s the one with the esteem issues that walks away.

So they have walked away and they feel enormous guilt for that and don’t dare face that, after all they have been wracked with guilt for so long about so many things (in their head they are a failure after all) that they don’t want to face it anymore

If they are chased it just reminds them how much hurt they have caused and they can’t bare the guilt
If they aren’t chased then its proof they were never really loved in the first place
If they are told they are forgiven they don’t believe it as there is no way someone could forgive them for all they’ve done and they have proved how awful they are
If the LBS improves their life (DB) then its proof that that the LBS is better off without them.

At some point down the line they will start to realise that they still aren’t happy and start to think one of the following

1) LA LA LA LA LA I’m not listening, i don’t want to think about this LA LA LA LA
2) This is all the LBS’ fault – I hate them and never want to see them again
3) This is all the LBS’ fault – I want to make them as miserable as me so they know how I feel
4) This is my fault but this is better for everyone
5) I’ve made a mistake but it is all LBS’ fault and they need to make it up to me
6) This is my fault and I’ve made a terrible mistake but I’ve done so much damage there is no way I could undo this. I’m not worth it and/or i don’t know how and/or its too hard.
7) This is my fault and I’ve made a terrible mistake and i will do whatever it takes to undo that mistake

Over time they may change their mind and switch from one to other but as has been said so many times it takes two to make a relationship work and only one to destroy it, and for some if they ever reach 7 they might find it’s too late.

In GGGs case I would guess that her H is somewhere in 4, 5 or 6 however he is the only one that could know this and 6 is the only one where there is something GGG could realistically do and even then there is a good chance it won’t make it past his ‘low self worth translator’




I probably could take this further but instead I’m going to finish up with a bit of an analogy in a different context

Each week I take my D3 swimming. She loves it, loves jumping in the water, loves going underwater, loves wearing her goggles and the pink hair band she has to wear to stop her getting ear infections. She can swim a couple of metres and launch herself about 4m into the pool from the side. She is very very happy in the pool and on holiday all she wanted to do every day was spend hours in the pool. She really loves swimming.

Every week we go to her swimming lesson and her swim teacher will give her a woggle (foam noodle) which she holds onto so she can practice kicking and ‘lion arms’. Every week my D3 has a bit of a meltdown because she is terrified I’m going to let go. She holds on to me, holds on to the side or holds on to anything she can grab. Everytime she does this she ends up floundering underwater and gets upset and clings on to me. If she just let go she could swim the few metres and a whole load of freedom would open up for her as she learns to go further each time.

She can swim, she just lacks the confidence to let go.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

GGal,

Do you believe your husband is having an MLC? That's really important because that answer shapes and affects everything else.

If no, then wrong forum and not saying that to be mean but because this is a waste of your time.

With MLC everything is longer. With MLC your goal is to outlast their crisis, and your hope is that their crisis doesn't last long.

The truth you want to tell him, only works if he is capable of listening and considering it. To that end it won't work until he is at a stage of MLC where he is realizing that the problems in his life have the common denominator of "him". Any other time? And your truth is being used to get what you want from them...pressure in their mind.

The thing most of us tend to forget is that what worked for us might not work for others...specifics not generalities...the generalities exist simply because more often than not its the way to go.

By specifics I mean, "You're being too nice." or the opposite, " You're being too mean." Ultimately if your are getting good results form one or the other use that strategy no matter what anyone here says.

Last thing,

I want you to know that we are going to support you as long as you're trying to be a better person, because that better person is going to have a better relationship next time. Whether next time is with someone new or your spouse, and if it is with your spouse it better be new cause the old marriage was broken enough to be put down.

[Wonka]

Jack,

I enjoy reading your responses to people here.

With MLC everything is longer. With MLC your goal is to outlast their crisis, and your hope is that their crisis doesn't last long.

^^ That is a good advice. It should come with a caveat that "there is no guarantee" that the MLCer will come out of the crisis, if ever.

This is a tricky tightrope for the LBS with a MLCer spouse. How long do they "wait out" the MLC? At their own expense? Frittering away their life just waiting out the MLC if those MLCers are truly stuck with Bea's and Job's XHs come to mind when there are other healthy people out there who ARE INTERESTED in you.

At what point does one say, "it ain't working for me any more. I have too much self-worth to fritter away any more time."

I sense that it is where GoatGal is at the present moment. What I am seeing happen more and more is that GoatGal has truly taken off her rose-colored glasses and seeing things much more clearer that will inform her decisions going forward.

Why do I say those things? It is because I know this family friend of ours who I've known for most of my life and she was one of my late father's closest friends. She was married to a man who was alcoholic. She did/tried everything to outlast it with the hope that he would overcome this dreadful disease.

Then one day, she just had enough. So they got a divorce (they have two adult daughters). Not too long after her divorce, she met a wonderful man and married him years later. They're now very happy together and she's experiencing new adventures with him by taking sailing trips around Florida and the Caribbean.

Contrast that new lifestyle with the "stuck in a place" alongside her alcoholic former husband who she loved dearly. At some point, we all have to say, "Eh, this isn't working for me any longer. I am outta here!"

I guess the issue is that there's no real "yardstick" on how long a spouses stands with their MLCer.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

1st thank you.

I like the advice you're giving out and thank you for the time and energy it takes you to do so.

At what point does one say, "it ain't working for me any more. I have too much self-worth to fritter away any more time."

I see where you are going here Wonka.

And I have problems seeing/reading about people who I think should move on. But that's not my place to do that to someone, its not my job to remove that person's hope. For me? My hope was near gone when my wife came around. I outlasted it barely...and actually I wanted her to fail at the time cause I had plans that didn't involve her.

If/when an LBS comes to that decision on their own after giving it their all? I'll cheer them on. But far be it from me to tell them when that happens.

The alcoholism and MLC are great examples of a disease turning what hopefully was a good decent person before hand into a monster. The idea is that good decent person can find their way back.

That's the goal, that good decent person, the goal should never be having the monster 'accept' you.

Anyone willing to be accepted by the monster needs to have a higher opinion of themselves.

I guess the issue is that there's no real "yardstick" on how long a spouses stands with their MLCer.

As long as they can. And to have no regrets no matter the outcome.

[GoatGal]

You guys---THANK YOU.

I want to say how much I appreciate your feedback.

Bright: Yes, it sounds as though we are both in similar boats, but in the same scary river!
I know this is going to get better for both of us, one way or another.
It's easier to detach when we really see them, warts and all.
I know I want to make sure my perceptions are clear, and not based on what a WAW would do; focus on only the negative in order to facilitate detachment.

My H has positive qualities; it's just that now that I'm REALLY seeing and thinking about our life together, I can see where there were some red flags and things I continually let slide, for the sake of our M.
There are some dynamics and things that he did regularly that really hurt me... and I let it go.
I'm not sure that was really healthy on my part.
I am working through all that now in IC.

UR: I understand what you're saying. My goal would be to keep my heart open for him more... perhaps one day I will be able to do this. It is a fine line to walk, between being vulnerable to more hurt from him and being open to him as my H.
Right now it's all I can do to avoid the pain of my sitch.

I can forgive him, I feel I have. He is flawed, he screwed up, he's in crisis.
I do have compassion for him. I just wonder how long I can maintain this if it turns out it's at the expense of myself.
So far, it hasn't been. I haven't allowed that to happen.
And, as others have pointed out, my GUBU is pretty tame compared to some.

On the other hand, I think his issues run very deep, and avoiding conflict is ingrained in him, so he doesn't like emotional drama. That's equally good and bad. He avoids feeling anything that makes him uncomfortable, and there are many things that do.

I guess it's semantics.
I have "forgiven" but I have not forgotten.
And "forgiving" doesn't mean what he's done/doing doesn't matter, that it doesn't need to be addressed and "treated" as the traumatic experience it was for me, and-- I'm sure for him as well.

What I poorly expressed is that IF I am on my own after a D, then I believe I will be at peace with not having the answers I'd like, and not having him help me work through this.
I strongly feel I will be able to let the lion's share of the negativity go if we are D, (with time and therapy, I'm not that naive), and will be able to leave him to his own work, and to focus on my own, as we begin new, separate, lives.
-------------------------------------------------------------
In short, if we divorce, I will be able to accept what has happened without any help from him.
I didn't believe that a few months ago. It's real progress for an analytical type like me.

But, if we are to remain together, there is no way I could go on without some answers, some prevention, some serious work as a couple.
I guess what I'm saying is that I wonder if H believes that my statement that "I have forgiven him" means "We can let bygones be bygones."

That will only happen if we D.
If we R, then all the issues which brought us to this point will have to be identified and worked though, separately and together.
If he's like most men, that's something he'd probably prefer to avoid if at all possible. And being himself, it means he'd rather chew off his own foot than confront the internal issues he's been trying to avoid his entire life.
Does that make my position more clear?
I think sometimes writing it out helps to clarify it in my mind.

Gwen: You sound very wise. I would love to be able to love unconditionally and keep my heart open to H in his struggles.
I am better at this some days than others.
To feel the love I've always felt for him and then allow myself to believe that is gone forever, and then to accept that this person I loved has done what he has done to me... it's easier for me at this point to harden my heart to him somewhat.

I think how you put it: allowing yourself to accept "the whole enchilada of life", is very apt. I think while in self-preservation mode, it's difficult to feel ALL OF IT.
It hurts too much.
I do hope that one day, I'll get there. To be able to be happy for the good times, and accept that it's over with no hurt or anger left.

I do love him unconditionally. I always have. I still love him today.
But that doesn't mean I want to remain married to him, or that it would be healthy for me for me to do so.

I guess that's where I'm sticking now.
That there were dynamics in our M prior to his MLC meltdown that were very unhealthy for me. I believe (and my therapists concur) that he has certain issues that he withheld from me, or manipulated me into a position where he could control me to some degree.
And I was happily clueless.

Those things would have to change, because now I know what was going on.

But yes. I still love the man. Definitely not "in love" though. (Honestly? I think all that is just chemical attraction and never lasts anyway. Unless you work really hard at it, and most couples just don't. I'd like to be half of one couple who does, though!)
Anyhow---I just don't know if it would be wise to have him in my life down the road as anything but a "friendly neighbor".

Wonka, Jack-Three-Beans---I have read your posts and want to respond to them when I've had more time to digest.

But just off the top of my head:
* I believe he is in MLC and looking back, I think this is his second round, the first having occurred before we were married and he was 39. I'd pushed a lot of that out of my mind. But he crashed and burned, got into therapy for the first time ever, things were great between us, and we married.
I think now that he never really dealt with his chit, and therefore it reared its ugly head again later in life, when it had grown in size from all those years of festering and denying... It was bound to happen.

* I am definitely still DBing and would like remained married to H. But as they say, the "old marriage is dead". The new one would have to be better than ever, and free from the harmful dynamics which, in hindsight, I can see plagued our old one.

* I am working on myself--big time. It's all I can do, and I am taking advantage of this time I've been given. I want to be a better person, and I want to identify and work on whatever issues I bring to the table. I am not afraid of examining myself even more intensely than I do my H.

* I understand that in MLC it's a waiting game, that he is not himself, and I am prepared to wait---until a point. I don't know when that turning point will be, but I suspect it will be close to the time when he can finalize a D with or without my consent. That will be in Feb 2016.
I'm not trying to put a timeline on things, it's just logistical. If he can finalize the divorce, it means I will be forced to move from my home, (can't possibly afford it) and will need to make major life changes which will take me away from here, and from him.
Once that happens, I am certain I will be done.

On the other hand, if he doesn't push the D through at that time, it could go on longer if he is moving towards making some personal progress and looking at R. I am open to anything. And perhaps by then I will have been able to master the fine art of loving fully, unconditionally, and yet not being hurt by the actions of my beloved.

(Wow. Did I just write that ^^^ ? )

And jim---well, I don't know about everybody else, but I LOVED what you wrote. It was like a "Vulcan Mind-Meld"...:)
Are you sure you're not my "Brother From Another Mother"???

Anyhow, there was so much there it deserves a considered response. Just wanted you to know I read it and was floored. Really.

But--more later. Sheesh!
"Short Post" = "Diarrhea of the Mouth".
Me of the flying fingers that barely keep up with my flying mind.
It's a Monster Mash up in my noodle...



--(G)GGG
PS: I'm guessing Christmas is going to be really busy around here. It was already getting to me in the stores yesterday. "Wishing My Husband A Merry Christmas" cards, and that's just the beginning. The commercials, the music...
ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

[GoatGal]

WARNING: Christmas Musings
PITY PARTY ALERT!!!!!!!!

Can somebody please remove the sappy Christmas commercials about love, and diamonds, and sleigh bells, and "dashing through the snow" to a festive home complete with warm hearth and family-- and SPOUSES?????

There is snow here on the mountain, the animals are in the manger, there are stars above. It LOOKS like Christmas, but it sure as hell doesn't feel like it.
Except if you count wrapping paper. I hate wrapping paper.
It's an Aspie thing. I can't wrap!!!!
But this year I have created "workarounds" that are very creative and look great!
Still---I hate it.

Anyhow---

It's not Christmas yet, but this Goal Gal is looking into her crystal ball and seeing a very lonely Christmas indeed. No way around that; I have plans "around" THE big eve and day.

But those times I know I'll be alone in another state in an empty house.
I'll have my two mutts with me, and I'll make sure they sing Christmas carols, rip open rawhide bones...that should be good for about ten minutes.

Still---I'm focusing on giving to others, and not dwelling on my own stuff. But...
Crap, y'all.

It [censored] to be alone all the time. But mostly it [censored] to be alone on the Holidays.

Good thing they make Bourbon, Eggnog, and Netfliks.

Last year was worse, I think. I was still reeling. This year is more--pensive.
But still alone.

Story of my life. Boo hoo for me.

(Hoo hoo too--for good measure.)

Your Pal,

The Goat Gal

(Who won't even be with my goats on Christmas. And they are so cute with their Reindeer antlers and Santa hats.... )

[GoatGal]

To reply----

Wonka said:
"At what point does one say, "it ain't working for me any more. I have too much self-worth to fritter away any more time.' ?"


Wonka, I guess that's when it's clear that my frittering days are over. I like fritters--probably more than the average person--but considering my advanced age and limited resources, I don't have the luxury of waiting around forever. It just can't happen.

"I sense that it is where GoatGal is at the present moment. What I am seeing happen more and more is that GoatGal has truly taken off her rose-colored glasses and seeing things much more clearer that will inform her decisions going forward."

Ahhhhh.... very inscrutable, Grasshopper! Per kml, my proverbial "Rose Colored Glasses" are off. I held onto them as long as I could. But there came a point--through therapy, my own reading, the support here--where I took a long, hard look at the truth of my marriage. And it wasn't pretty.
Not by a long shot.

So I'm not endowing H with a host of unflattering descriptions because I'm looking for reasons why his divorcing me will be all "for the best" down the road. It's just REALITY.
I can see it now, and I'm not liking what I'm seeing.

I can see how my Asperger's allowed him to manipulate me. I try not to think of it as a disability because I feel more "abled" than the average person. But it DOES make it harder for me to read intent--and to tell when someone is lying/manipulating me.
I trusted my H, and didn't think I had to be on guard with him.

I was WRONG.
Believe me, I am kicking myself for being the wife who never snooped, who took him at his word, who trusted him, and who gave him lots of "space"!
---------------------------------------------------------------

Jack Three Beans said:
"And I have problems seeing/reading about people who I think should move on. But that's not my place to do that to someone, its not my job to remove that person's hope. For me? My hope was near gone when my wife came around. I outlasted it barely...and actually I wanted her to fail at the time cause I had plans that didn't involve her."

Jack--this is very inspiring to me. You "wanted her to fail because you had plans that didn't involve her"... I understand that too well.
You start to make your plans with the idea that your life together is OVER.

You get yourself jazzed up about your single future, all the positives, the things you will no longer have to take into consideration.
(Granted, this is to offset the betrayal and pain and "reality" that your partner no longer wants you. It's completely understandable.)

That is sort of where I am now. Trying to make Lemonade from the lemons that H has given me. I can't count on him; I can only count on myself. So I am trying very hard to envision a life which does not include him.
Is that wrong? It feels necessary.
I know I should be the stanchion, lighthouse, keep the road home smoothly paved, be strong, be consistent...I have been doing this.
But I can't help but wonder: What about ME?
I am doing and giving and STFUing and CTHDing and DBing...
NO ONE is meeting MY needs. No one is giving affection to me.

No one has said they loved me or given me tender affection in YEARS.
No sex, no kisses, no holding at night, no cuddling on the couch.
For YEARS.
And I WAS MARRIED!!!!
So--Boo-Hoo for me-- again.

(Okay, I'm finished.)


"If/when an LBS comes to that decision on their own after giving it their all? I'll cheer them on. But far be it from me to tell them when that happens."


Very wise. No one can know when it's "time". My therapist of many years STARTED OFF OUR SESSION AFTER THE OW DISCOVERY by saying;
"So--WHY EXACTLY do you want to try and cobble this marriage together?"

I finally had to stop seeing her, because I felt I had to sell her on the idea that I wanted to give my H a chance to turn this around. That my R with him had value. That after 20+ years where I felt loved and valued he hadn't just turned into a monster. That I KNEW something was WRONG.

She finally came around to my way of thinking--grudgingly. I see her on occasion, but mostly just deal with my shrink for meds, etc.

"Do you believe your husband is having an MLC? That's really important because that answer shapes and affects everything else."

Yes. I do believe he is in MLC. But I don't think that's all that's plaguing him. He has many issues which he kept successfully buried during our time together; I think MLC just made it so he could no longer compensate and he went off the deep end.
(And he can't swim. Really. Can't swim.)

"The truth you want to tell him, only works if he is capable of listening and considering it. To that end it won't work until he is at a stage of MLC where he is realizing that the problems in his life have the common denominator of "him"."

"I want you to know that we are going to support you as long as you're trying to be a better person, because that better person is going to have a better relationship next time."

That's why I come here. I am alone mostly 24/7 and this board has been a lifesaver for me.
It's nice to hear you say that you will continue to support my efforts to deal with whatever my sitch throws at me. I know you have been around for a long time; I can't profess to know what you have learned--only that I'm TRYING. I'm trying to hold it together the best that I can.

Yes, Jack. That is really what this is all about. I AM trying to be better.
With my "challenges", this is what my life has been all about.
(*sniff, tear, sniff*)
My whole life has been a journey to connect with others; to stop being the outcast, to share the love and compassion I feel so intensely deep down, but struggled with being able to show that to the people I cared about. I like to think I had this ability well under my belt when I met H; but---in my soul-searching I wonder if this is true.

I miss things still---subtle cues, little things that other "normal" people just pick up on naturally.
That's not me. It's all measured, studied, practiced. I learned for myself what came with the program for the average person.
That's not to say I don't feel things intensely, feel deeply, desire to love and be loved.
I do.
And I probably work harder at friendships and romantic relationships than so-called "normal" folks because it MEANS THAT MUCH TO ME. And because I know that it is a weakness of mine-- just "getting" people on a visceral level.

Believe me--I beat myself up about this on a daily basis. "If only I had been "normal" I woulda/coulda/shoulda".... but then I stop.

My "disability" comes with a caveat. And that is I have a very clear sense of right and wrong. Good and bad. So I have tried very hard to be "A GOOD WIFE" insofar as I understand it.

(Insert list here of ideal wifely qualities and I will be happy to tell you how I aspired to embody each one. )


Anyhow.
I'm just doing the best I can with what I have to work with--much like H is at this time.

I'm not sure that I'm on solid ground while he is going through his crisis; I'm finding my own way as he is finding his.

This is hard--killer hard--and a test of all the skills I've learned throughout my life.

I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, and I don't want anyone to believe my blustery display of bravado---because the truth lies somewhere in the middle.


And even I am not sure of how I really feel at any given moment, and what I really want for the future.
All I can say is that I am doing pretty well with not being in the driver's seat for such a significant portion of my life.

I am making the best of a bad situation. I'm learning, watching, improving, hoping, and waiting---for some sign that the next phase needs to begin, and that the ball is in my court to make that happen.

Your Pal,

The Goat Gal

PS: Jim, your post deserves an entire post devoted to it; one needs time to process these things!
I will respond to your wonderful post when I have time to respond in a way which does it justice.

But let me say, if you're reading this, we could have a heck of a Christmas toast, sharing horror stories, if I were of a Revolutionary mind.

[LiveNow]

First, let me say I totally agree with you GG, about Jim's post. Fantastic insight!

And, then I will also say that I think you're doing GREAT, GG. I think I am right about in the same place you are right now, except I have only 18 months under my belt since BD -- 18 months and 2 days, as a matter of fact. Sounds like you've been at this a bit longer and have had to put up with quite a bit more than I have. Of course, in my state, there is no waiting period beyond the required 60 days, so I may no longer be M by March or April. I wish I had the waiting period you do -- you've still got some time. And that time frame may be just what you need to figure out what you really want to do. The answers will come to you when they need to come to you.

I get the alone-ness -- I work from home at least 3 days a week, so I'm here by myself alot too. We are fortunate to both be introverts and generally have no problem being alone. But, yeah, sometimes it's just too much!

Hang in there GG -- we will both be ok. In due time. All your hard work will pay off one way or another. So will mine. I hope you have a good X-mas, despite all of this. I plan to -- my second since BD (last year was rough for me too). Make it a good one, no matter what you do. And know that next X-mas, no matter what, will be better!

Thank you for continuing to write here. It truly helps others like me who are in a similar sitch.