Thanks paul 47 and T0324. It's nice to have examples of sitches that have gone this far and back. Also, all sitches are different and that nothing is impossible just because it hasn't been done before.
Wonka: Do you think my W knows that I don't want the separation based on this account?
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
W's heard you once. She knows by your words and actions that you don't want a D. I think in some cases it is good to physically separate because it allows for contrasts between the LBS and their no-so fun fairytale with the OP to come into sharper focus for the WAS.
I havent entirely kept up on your sitch but if you are at all familiar with my sitch my H was pretty terrible. He was definitely abducted by aliens or something (not that I am making excuses for him) but his behavior was so terrible that's really the only way I can think that
Let her go. It took me months to stop pursuing and hanging on to every little action or lack there of from H. I never once mentioned OW to him. Towards the end I stopped caring about hanging on to every little interactions. I FINALLY listened to all the wise advice of everyone here and was the first to leave, didn't sound desperate when we talked and just plain acted like a neighbor when we did see each other which was rare. Our only interactions were at basketball. Then he started coming by the house. This was the same person that couldn't even look me in the eye for MONTHS. But I was friendly but short. We were busy. We didn't have time for him to hang out around the house with us or chat a long time after basketball because the boys and I had plans. He told me when he first came back he always wondered where I was going. He remembered an outfit I had on to a T and he swore I was going on a date (thanks Train).
Anyway point in case. Stop pursuing her. She knows where you are if she wants you. You stand little to no chance if you pursue. I know it's scary but figure your life out without her and if she wants to R then that's the cherry on top. I bet you will feel a sense of freedom when you make plans for your life not focusing on your W. Once I got my finances in order and figured out how to make it without counting on H I felt such a sense of relief
Hang in there. This is a marathon. Use the tools you have
knowing you can make it without them and yes, even be happy, is incredibly empowering.
That translates into feeling more secure and then, somehow it radiates from within. I think that's the case, b/c without me SAYING "I am really fine!", my h just knew.
Heck yeah, that's attractive. Or at least a lot more so than "needing" them is.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I dreamed I was condemned to be executed. A nice nurse was going to administer the shot in a bland hospital room, like any vaccine, and my W and close friends were with me for support. When I realized I was really going to die, I started to wonder what part of my life I could sacrifice instead of the whole thing. I thought of my job. I panicked when I realized that all of me was going to die. The dream ended before I died. I very rarely remember my dreams.
My W is pushing my buttons. She wrote me an email at 3 am about the education of the kids. We had an agreement when together (public school) and now she's concerned about the quality of language of our kids, mentioning that we might want to send them to (expensive) private school after all. D6 is seen as a genius by her 1st grade teacher, ahead on most things. She's thriving and she has the language level appropriate for her age. The thing unsaid is that education is better in her country. Her parents have always been skeptical (to say the least) of my country and pushing for proper education in theirs. My W suffered from this pressure from her parents. Sigh. I don't want to deal with this for at least a couple of years. It's so hard outside of a normal R.
Mozza, Sorry if this was answered elsewhere, but where the heck do you live? While in the military, there were some bases in places where you knew you'd have to send your kids to private schools if you wanted them to keep up with their grade. Unless your kids were labelled as "gifted."
Most public schools in our country have programs for Gifted & Talented kids, usually referred to as "GATE" (Gifted And Talented Education") and that can provide a real boost to the kids' education. It costs nothing.
Assuming you don't have that option, then Would her family help pay for THEIR favorite schooling, IF you wanted to partake in it? And last but NOT least, how far away would this mean?
Are we talking boarding schools abroad or what?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Wonka, sandi2, 25yearsmlc, T0324 - Wow, thanks for the vet intervention!
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Have you started back to square one? You are second guessing yourself, pursuing her, looking for the magic formula, etc.
Why?
Wait, I'm not pursuing much. I kissed W on the cheeks when she leaned in, the first time we saw each other in 2 weeks. Other than that, it was all business. I've even reduced the email contacts to a bare minimum in the last week or two, cutting on the banter. I go back and forth because my W felt I was distant in the couple, so it had been suggested that I use these exchanges to show her my changes.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
W's heard you once. She knows by your words and actions that you don't want a D. I think in some cases it is good to physically separate because it allows for contrasts between the LBS and their no-so fun fairytale with the OP to come into sharper focus for the WAS.
OK, I won't remind her. I don't mind anyway: she's getting more involved with this OM, who's moving in in January. I don't see anything to do than see if it runs its course while I work on myself.
Speaking of, I had a great business trip this week. I saw three friends who boosted my PMA, I felt better and cried less than usual, and I bought a ton of new clothes. I'm back home and today's a bit of a difficult day because it's the 3-month 'anniversary" of BD, but other than that, I'm biding my time. My daily 7-minute workout is doing wonders by the way. Everything feels easier, like gravity is reduced. It feels great.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Wait, I'm not pursuing much. I kissed W on the cheeks when she leaned in, the first time we saw each other in 2 weeks. Other than that, it was all business. I've even reduced the email contacts to a bare minimum in the last week or two, cutting on the banter. I go back and forth because my W felt I was distant in the couple, so it had been suggested that I use these exchanges to show her my changes.
Listen to yourself. "I'm not pursuing MUCH". Which means you are still pursuing SOME. You are still contacting, showing affection, and flirting.......even though she has an affair wide open for everyone to see, especially your children. Is this what you will advise your son one day if he finds himself in your shoes?
Your W felt you were being distant, so what did you do, but give her more of your attention. Now she has both you and OM.
I am curious as to what it would take for you to really drop the rope.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
How's that? This morning, she sent me a link to a work-related video. I replied "Thanks, I'll try to find the time to see it", rather than watching it and then commenting (also, it's 45-min long) and then switched to questions about the kids.
She asked if I could keep the kids for the night, because it's her office party and she'll come late and drunk and would like to sleep in tomorrow morning. I said, no I can't but didn't explain that it's because I'm leaving town tonight. It's an honest answer, but I'm also happy not to enable further her party lifestyle as the free babysitter (in her eyes, not mine).
Later, we ran into each other on the sidewalk. We acknowledged each other from a distance, I stopped to talk to her but slightly past her (as I'm on my way, in a rush, of course), and spoke about the kids. I could tell she was a little taken aback that I was distant and she started leaving while still speaking, even talking as we had both turned her back. No physical contact. My W is very afraid of rejection (me too, according to my IC) and won't be caught the more interested one, especially under our circumstances. This "cordial withdrawal" (replacing the "positive engagement") of mine will soon take us back to an angry phone call or no contact, but I'm fine with it because I really wish she'd stop contacting me for a while. It's too stressful until I'm detached.
By the way, I was well-dressed and wearing new clothes, which goes to show the importance of doing it even when they're not watching.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
