Confusion is getting better, I think...

[MCS]

I was feeling good about our conversation, so I projected my wants on to the situation rather than just observing it and accepting it as it was.

This is something that I'm trying to work on too. I'm getting better since we've been LC for most of this time. I've realized that I'm not projecting back on her now; but it kicks me into a "is this the time to make a next step?" phase....like I'm in tonight...

[Okabe]

25yearsmlc,
Thank you for the feedback.
No, I realize it is all speculation and it doesn't change my course of action. I was just having one of these days where my emotions took a turn and I got feeling a little panicked and down.
I really like you list for GAL.
I do plan on doing more, some immediately, some after the holidays and after I close down our kwoon (kung fu school).

What is coming up immediately (I've listed these before):
- weekly bowling with my best friend on Sunday mornings (I haven't bowled for a long time).
- Working on a blog (hard to get time at the computer for this, but I am planning on getting a laptop after the holidays)
- Working out. I usually do about 2 miles on the treadmill a day after work.

For next year:
-Hip hop dance lessons (a former coworker teaches them)
-I have signed myself and S11 up for archery lessons on Saturday mornings (my son wanted to do this so I decided to join him).
-Taking my boys to 2 conventions (Feb & July).
-Hopefully going to 2 concerts in Chicago in the spring.

I have been looking at other things as well (hopefully Japanese classes as well).
It was just a down day and I admittedly get stuck waiting for her (which I know is exactly what I am not supposed to do).

[Okabe]

I also hope to take another martial art. I know of an inexpensive Judo club or a doing some knife fighting (eskrima) training.
I have a mandolin that I'd like to finally learn to play.

I realized, after your post, how much I am still kind of watching and waiting for my W to make a move. Anything. An indication of what she wants and I need to stop that.
She is going to do what she is going to do in her own time and I can't just sit her waiting and driving myself crazy in the meantime.
Thank you for the feedback.

[25yearsmlc]

I also hope to take another martial art. I know of an inexpensive Judo club or a doing some knife fighting (eskrima) training.
I have a mandolin that I'd like to finally learn to play.

I realized, after your post, how much I am still kind of watching and waiting for my W to make a move. Anything. An indication of what she wants and I need to stop that.
She is going to do what she is going to do in her own time and I can't just sit her waiting and driving myself crazy in the meantime.
Thank you for the feedback.

That's it^^^. You CANNOT WAIT for your wife, for your life to continue. The urge to "do SOMETHING" can backfire big time, if it's not thought out, and or if it's a reaction to how you FEEL, which is often the case.

So, 2 things to recall. 1) Act/behave in alignment with your GOALS, and NOT your emotions.

2) For GAL, (to be clear, hey, I do like your GAL plans!)

I just want to add something that makes sense to ME...b/c In my opinion, the GAL things that involve us with other people, is more useful and productive than solo activities like working out or playing a game or blogging on the computer...

Make no mistake, I DO value getting in shape, writing, AND having some "alone" time. Absolutely, we all need that. We need to be able to breathe & ponder about, freely. Plus, looking better & feeling better are very connected, not to mention the endorphin thing, and getting OUTSIDE/outdoors...that is all good stuff.

However, IF your immediate goal is to stop obsessing about the situation or what your spouse is doing/feeling/thinking/planning/going,

THEN I urge you to do more things that get you interacting with others, especially new people who do NOT know your wife or your situation. (Also, "new" experiences are stimulating and require more concentration. The more you concentrate on the new experience, the less you go off on a painful, counter productive tangent).

When I was in a play (theater is an avocation for me) it was totally absorbing b/c for ME, there's nothing more terrifying than being publicly embarrassed. I even had a ruptured disc in my back, and during a 2 hour dress rehearsal, I nearly "forgot" about it for most of the time. Seriously, that "mind over matter" concept can really work. So, for me, THAT was a surefire way to get my mind OFF other matters.

If you can go SEE some plays, you'll find that live theater requires much more focus, than watching a movie at home. Stand up comedians are excellent too, and laughing is SO healthy for us!

Later, I went to Italy with our 3 children for my 25th anniversary (I was NOT going to be home alone crying like I did for our 24th, when h was living elsewhere and yet sent me roses & a "we'll get thru this, Happy Anniversary!"...go figure)

My older D and I planned the trip and the planning itself was SO fun, and so stimulating and so NOT about h. NOT about our m. NOT about my sadness or grief or anger...just me and my kids exploring a country I'd never seen before but had long desired. It was probably the BEST TRIP I'VE EVER TAKEN. (And I've had great trips.)

Nothing reminded me of h, and there was zero tension, we got by on our French and English and hilarious Italian, and we had FUN. We demonstrated that a family can be intact and close, even with a partner missing.

As a veteran & military wife, I can attest to the fact that many families have to do this for long periods of time. We strive to thrive.

So, whatever it is out there in the world that really gets you going, makes you feel passion in your gut or exhilarated, mentally and or emotionally, DO IT MORE. OR go discover it!

The more interestED you are in the world out there, the more interestING you become. So you bring more to the table as a partner. Do you get what I mean?

And the more new people you meet, the easier it is for your new improved self to "practice", and not be held back by history.

Make sense?

To repeat, act in accordance with your goals, NOT how you feel that minute.

**Wow, reading that^^sentence makes me wonder how much of this ordeal we'd have all avoided, if we all had done just that ^^ (i.e., "act in alignment with our goals", NOT how we feel that hour/day/week,) in the first place. But I digress.

So, the PLAN:

1) Determine your 180s and imagine your new improved self, which traits to enhance, develop, explore OR ditch b/c they do not serve you well.

2) GAL, which is key to Detachment, which is key to self growth, in order to

Become a man only a fool would leave. And that is your overall goal so that no matter what choices others make for their lives, you Okabe, will have become the man you were meant to become.

That's the single true upside to these ordeals. The most we ever grow as people, is nearly always from a tragic mistake on someone's end...go for it.

[Okabe]

I cannot thank you enough for your perspective!
You are definitely right about more of my GAL goals need to put me in more social situations them solitary ones. Because you're right: it is way too easy for me to obsessed and ruminate about my R if I let myself (I've really noticed that in the last couple of days and I know that is not the way to go about it).
Your last post inspired me to look into volunteer opportunities in my area. O have at least one that I may do.
I have also thinking about how to occasionally teach Wing Chun informally after our school closes.
I need to sit down and imagine my plan.
Thanks again. Now it's time to go make soup (Thai curry lemongrass: yum).

[Okabe]

The soup was good.
At dinner W was very quiet and I noticed she didn't look at me through the whole meal even though I was talkative and in good spirits (most talking to the boys). She said she was fighting a headache so that could be it, but I decided not to let it bother me.
W did get incredulous when S11 and I were watching an anime that had some blood and a creepy, psycho kid. I didn't see the big deal. S11 and his friends talk about more violent stuff than the show at school. She doesn't like anime so I think she's biased against times. Once again I decides to not let it bother me. I respectfully disagreed with her and let her be upset without letting myself get worked up.
Going bowling with my best friend tomorrow and making candy for holiday gifts with S14.

[gan]

I'm loving the conversation between you and 25years, Okabe. Sounds like you handled the anime conversation very well. You've inspired me to put Thai curry lemongrass soup on my ingredients list for the week. It does sound YUM.

[Okabe]

Ganbatte! Like your name. I am familiar with the term from having seen a lot of anime in the last couple of years.
Before I would've just agreed and tried to "fix" the situation by trying to diffuse her anger. This time I just let it be. It is not that I didn't see her point, I just didn't happen to agree. This is not to say I won't own my screw ups, I am just trying to avoid placating her just to avoid conflict.
Thai curry lemongrass soup is excellent at this time of year in the northern hemisphere. All the garlic, ginger, lemongrass, and jalepenos I use are good for the health and the soul.

[Okabe]

And the feedback from 25yearsmic has been valuable to me.
I was always looking at 180s as something in terms of her and how I needed to change for her sake rather than seeing 180s as a way to make myself a better man for me. To take what isn't serving me well in life and changing it for me.

[Okabe]

Some 180s I was thinking about:
Stop automatically placating to avoid conflict.
Ask for help. Instead of doing everything and feeling overwhelmed (and then internally acting like a martyr), ask for help when I need it.
Laugh more (I've already started doing this). Don't let myself become moody and brooding.
Stop telling W everything I am doing or about to do. She doesn't need an ongoing narration of my day. I need to stop feeling the need to fill the silence all of the time.
Be more affectionate. While I can't do that with her I can give my boys more hugs, pats on the back, etc.
Doing fun things with my boys. She may not like or want to do what we are doing, but that shouldn't stop me from being an involved dad.