I notice that she moved the couch and put up the tree ... yeah .. the tree OM bought her last year. I know I know .. but I am human .. this one still stings. So in my head it just solidified the fact I will not be at her place for any type of gift opening for S ... she has chosen this, this is what she wants .. and yeah .. I am angry about it.
Nope, this is your choice. At least own it. Not opening presents with your son cause of a tree. On one hand I get it, thats the hand that's cutting off my nose though.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
My wife got rid of all the crap he had gotten her...AFTER she she started to come around. It was a losing battle before then. Pick you battles, fight wisely and maybe win the war.
That was a non-negotiable term for us getting back together...when it was the right time for it.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Ok ... so you have, as typical, given me a post I read, thought about ... read again... closed the windows .. and had to read a few more times. You are spot on ... the reoccuring thought in my head is screaming at me this is me. My issue .. I am the one having a hard time ... I am the one allowing her to get me to spin .. heck she is not even trying to do it on purpose. Yet here I am ... obsessing over what>? Things out of my control thats what ... and what lif eis that? How attractive is that ? Is that who I am trying to be? NO ... I need to remind myself of that more often. This is my journey, my chance at a better life regardless if my M is salvaged or not .. .to be honest the one I was in was not all that wonderful, I have learned from that, I should be thankful for the MLC as it has opened my eyes and taught me what I do not want, what I do ... and a few tools to use along the way to get there. Not sure if that will have W or not at this point, that's a bridge I must cross later. I hold the key to all this. I hold the power to be the man I desire to be, I am the Captain of this ship regardless of the storm its in.
I have this fear ... fear of losing her but as I look at it ... I have lost her, so what am I afraid of? .. its already happened. I must trust things will get better and I realize they wont with me holding on to what is not there, use that energy instead to keep growing and become the person I want to be.
I notice that she moved the couch and put up the tree ... yeah .. the tree OM bought her last year. I know I know .. but I am human .. this one still stings. So in my head it just solidified the fact I will not be at her place for any type of gift opening for S ... she has chosen this, this is what she wants .. and yeah .. I am angry about it.
Nope, this is your choice. At least own it. Not opening presents with your son cause of a tree. On one hand I get it, thats the hand that's cutting off my nose though.
I understand how this may be taken as cutting off my nose to spite my face type move. And maybe I am wrong ... but I do think she needs to feel the Holidays without me ... by my being there .. she gets what she wants .. a cake eat fest. I respect your input on this ... I have no answers honestly.
I have this fear ... fear of losing her but as I look at it ... I have lost her, so what am I afraid of? .. its already happened. I must trust things will get better and I realize they wont with me holding on to what is not there, use that energy instead to keep growing and become the person I want to be.
YES!
Don't beat yourself up about the things she does, Cali. Those are her choices. How you react are your choices.
I wonder if how you are reacting to things in keeping with who you want to be?
And don't worry about "I should have said this or done that" for very long. There is no right or wrong answer. But be honest with yourself and the rest will follow. That's all you have to worry about.
What are the plans for the next week? Christmas shopping with your son?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I have this fear ... fear of losing her but as I look at it ... I have lost her, so what am I afraid of? .. its already happened. I must trust things will get better and I realize they wont with me holding on to what is not there, use that energy instead to keep growing and become the person I want to be.
YES!
Don't beat yourself up about the things she does, Cali. Those are her choices. How you react are your choices.
I wonder if how you are reacting to things in keeping with who you want to be?
Yeah I think just knowing there is nothing I can do about her choices was a hurdle ... still does not take all the sting out on some of the things she does ... but you are right ... how I react is in my control and that is what I am working on .... I am making progress but it does seem during these Holidays her choices are amplified as they effect more than just her and I. Again .. not my choice, I can only do/control what I do. I am not sure how the person who I aim to be would react to these things .. maybe very similar .. I would still be hurt disappointed ... in the past I would have lashed out and made sure she knew she hurt me .. I do not do this any more. Baby-steps.
Originally Posted By: AJM
And don't worry about "I should have said this or done that" for very long. There is no right or wrong answer. But be honest with yourself and the rest will follow. That's all you have to worry about.
What are the plans for the next week? Christmas shopping with your son?
AJ
Thats the thing .. I was not honest with myself, I do love her and just should have said I still love her .... but it just seems like the cycle is she probes, makes sure I still love her so she can continue down this path she is on ... staying in the tunnel as there is no reason to come out .. must be cozy in there and she found a blanket ... who knows.
Plans for next week .... honestly I do not really have many. I am trying to stay away from all this Christmas stuff to a point. I think W is taking S up north next Thursday so I will ride the Harley a bit, take a few trips that weekend I have been wanting to do. I have a project/ Modification on the bike I have been dreaming up and will start that over the Holidays. I typically am a big gift buyer, this year I am cutting back, refocusing what the Holiday means to me, Going to try and make new memories and traditions with my son.
Just a mini update. (only like 5 paragraphs ... lol)
Yesterday W TM about this weekend and the fact she is taking him Thursday during the day as School is not in session... I ignored as I already told her I would take S Saturday night (She has her Christmas party but is telling me its so S can go to a B-day party Sunday) So all dark up to when S calls her, he always puts her on speaker and half the time they Facetime ... so I typically am going about my business reading/folding clothes what have you. I do notice her moods are all over the place lately ... sometimes she is up on cloud 9 .. almost to happy .. other times she sounds fine.. then others she sounds a bit depressed .. just observing and thinking this MLC thing must put one all over the spectrum and how exhausting that must be not to be able to be "even" for the most part. Anyways .. as they talk I jump in the shower ... I get out and finish up my laundry ... yanno .. GAL'ing my tail off .. lol. I put S down, we pray .. and off to bed he goes. I start reading a bit .... W TM around 9 "Did you get my text about Thursday?" ... followed 10 min later with a "Hello?" ... then 2 missed calls and a voicemail for me to call her back. I finished up my chapter, and TM her about an hour later that I did recieve it, left it at that.
This morning she TM me about S Chrsitmas list, how much it will be and to let her know as she was about to order it all online... I TM her back telling her to buy what she would like for him, let me know what she gets as I would be buying him gifts myself and not splitting it with her. She then asked again about Saturday .. I told her I would once again take him and knew the reason so she did not feel she had to lie to me. She replied with "I'm not lying to you, nor am I about to answer to you like you own me" I did not reply to that .... Dropped S off, short exchange no talking .. just told her about him having something in his eye and off to work I went. She TM about S test scores .. I replied back 30 min or so later that I was proud of him.
So ... detaching better at the moment ... I'm sure the push and pull between her and I will continue, I just need to keep out when she hits that low "help me" point and let her figure it out on her own.
Been focused at work alot better as of late, getting some side projects that I have wanted to get acomplished since I tool over here delegated to some guys who are not busy and seem to appreciate the new responsibilities I have noticed/relized so many areas of my life are so much better than where I was 1 1/2 years ago ... work is going very well, new job, I am appreciated here and they leave me be. My R with S is amazing, I realized that I would not cherish the limited times we have like now if I were still with W ... its like he and I just took off like a rocket ... I love the bond we have formed over the past year. Spiritually .. I know God is watching me and hearing my prayers ... I just need a reminder I have given my worries to him
I heard a sermon this morning that I feel a few of the Vets may relate to. Even if you are not religious I feel the message is a good one. They talked about "Redemtive Suffering" which in a nut shell suggests that we are put in difficult positions and we suffer only so we can help others who are going through the same crisis, so you have to go through this hardship in order to really help other people through it. I do not think this concept could be more true than right here, I see so many of you Vets who have "been there and done that .. have the T-shirt" .... you could have easily just gone on about your life, but you log in here, unselfishly providing guidance, support and a much needed 2x4 along the way .... there is honor in that and I can not speak for everyone .. but I know many would say this ... Thank you all.
Hiya Cal. I see you working towards where you need to be. But I would be doing you a disservice if I didnt just point this out. You know, cuz I like ya and all.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
I told her I would once again take him and knew the reason so she did not feel she had to lie to me. She replied with "I'm not lying to you, nor am I about to answer to you like you own me".
Is that who you want to be? ^^^. You dont know if she is telling you the truth. Either way...not really your place to say that, right? And because you did....her reaction was what it was. She gave you valuable info there.
I know the thought of the OM hurts. I do. But the sooner you can get a handle on those feelings and let them go..the more you walk towards healing. I know it isnt easy, but, it can be done.
I know ... I have been thinking some about this ... you are right I do not know if she is lying or not, honestly I would love that she goes to the Christmas party and has a great time, provided its not with OM, see ... That's the hang up I am working on. I can not stop this regardless, the thing that is getting me a bit was all the memories from last year when I was oblivious, ... back story .. BD then she moved out in Nov13 ... I had taken S around this time last year .. she went to the party, OM was her "date" she had changed her FB pic to one of her with him cropped out .. I had no idea so it all did not matter until later I learned of the entire A that was going on for who knows how long to be honest. All past hurt I am trying ... slowly to let go of. Point is ... I am the only one hurt here. I am the only one holding on to this pain ... what good is that doing me? Yeah .. none. So I have given it up, the "So you don't have to lie" statement ... was more towards a little frustration that she is hanging onto this birthday party like that is only/main the reason, I just felt she should know I know, stop lying .. I get it. I should have just not mentioned it at all I know.
Cal, I get it, the pain. I lived it. It hurts. But I realized that the OW didnt care if I was angry and hurt and neither did my xh. So what good was holding onto that doing me. I know the harm it was doing. It was changing me. It was keeping me stuck.
I finally decided that I mattered. I was no longer willing to lose me. It was not an option. I was too important.
Letting go of that frees you up. It allows that energy to be spent on more important things.
So, I released the feelings. It was hard. It was a process. But it was the most important thing I could do for me.
