I have been the boards for a while before my post. I started applying what I learned two weeks ago. Since then, I have seen some changes on how W and I interact. It's a bit more formal. We are considerate of each other's different lives. We don't talk about anything unless it involves the kids. I don't initiate any conversation. I don't call or text. She calls and texts and mostly to ask if I can pick up the kids (step son and son) on her week. Step son used to go with his father since the separation but now he has been spending a lot of time with me instead. She has told she does that on purpose because she considers me a better father to him. I don't know if being available to her like that makes me a doormat, but she knows I do enjoy being with the kids and that I would not turn down an opportunity to be with them. I don't really check up on her or asks questions. I am an auditor, so I travel a bit and stay busy. It makes it easier.
To be honest, I don't know if there will be a chance of R. I had lost myself in this M. I gave her everything inch of me. I can understand how that can be unattractive to a woman. Satisfying her every desire at a drop of hat. Kind of like a puppy. Initially, it was my confidence that attracted her. I just have to get back to that. All I ever wished for her is happiness. I just have to realize that may not be with me.
We have yet to talk about our M or D. Its been 7 months and nothing so far about D. But,I will let her bring those up. Hope the space I give her is not for someone else to step in and take my place, but I am prepared for that. Loving someone is giving them the space to grow. She has some growing up to do. I believe in family. D is never an option for me. Thanks for letting me vent on here. I feel better.
Going forward: I am hoping she would want to talk soon. No matter what the decision is. R or D. I am hoping she will not want to stay legally married forever while we continually living separately. We have never spoken about the truth about us yet. well, at least, like adults. I feel that kind of closure will be necessary.
Last edited by hjoseph; 12/04/1409:41 PM.
Me:28 W:24 M:4 years S5, SS5, S2 Separated: 07/01/14 Asked for D 1/09/15
hjoseph, sorry your in this situation. New to these boards myself but just wanted to let you know someones listening. Pretty similar situation myself, though we survived the deployment (1 year) but apparently not Ranger School. Gone 3 months and come home and BD…kinda like you, no warning. Her mind was made up before i even got home. Sometimes…wives just..snap when their husbands are gone. When we're gone on deployment/schools, wives have quite a bit of time to think, and think themselves into a crappy place..my wifes own words. But nothing we can do to change their thoughts.
Keep your head up, follow the advice from the vets here, and like you already are noticing, giving her a little space and not pushing seems to make her come to you more. Just like time (when we were gone) gave them the opportunity to think negatively about everything that we ever did wrong, time is the only thing to make her start thinking positively, and the only way we can do that is by working on ourselves and continue to make consistent changes and hope they notice…still learning myself. best of luck.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Yea, well I can't seem to follow it. Last night we had some beer (again), started to become intimate (again), she stopped it and then talked about the relationship (again) stating this will be our last christmas together with the kids.
She does not seem to understand the effect of D on the kids, family, and future.
It is hard when they reach out to us. I will try to not touch her and follow the 37 rules and not talk about the relationship and future. Try to only be her friend. I think she will come around.
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
Rule # 10: Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc.
In the world of social media that we live in now, its kind of hard not to stumble onto something your spouse puts out there for the world to see. Checking FB as usual, I noticed the W posted three new statuses. First post, she praised her mother for every sacrifice she has made for her and called her a role model. She used one of our wedding pictures with her and her mother in it. Thought: Why our wedding picture? She has been denying our M for so long. Second post, its an image stating: "Love is not about sex, going out on fancy dates, or showing off. It's about being with a person who makes you happy in a way nobody else can." Thought: Is she trying to say I didn't make her happy and maybe she wants to find the one who will? Third post is an article and the reasons why you should marry the complicated girl. The article relates to everything I've always told her why I married her.
I really try not to think too much of it. I see them as bait. Maybe she knows I will see them and hoping to get a reaction out of me. But I can't help to think this might be a cry out for something? Of course, I will wait for her to engage and I don't want to try to read her or figure out what kind of mood she is in. But, it goes against what I really want to do and just ask her. It's a constant struggle between my heart and my mind. I know I am prepared to lose her if that is what she really wants, but I am also prepared to come back home if there was a chance. I don't want to miss my chance. I know waiting for some kind signal is not part of the plan to R and I really want her to come talk to me. Show me that you really us, our M and our family. She has to be deliberate and not secretive.
I don't know which way the W is leaning. She can never hold any feelings inside of her. Hoping the recent outburst of emotion on social media is her working her feelings out. Hopefully in my direction.
Me:28 W:24 M:4 years S5, SS5, S2 Separated: 07/01/14 Asked for D 1/09/15
hjoseph, that's a lot of speculation about your W. What are you doing for you? You said you lost yourself in the M. I totally get that. What are you doing to find yourself? Do you have any GAL activities?
rppfl, I went to the activities I used to do before I got M. I am a fitness fanatic. I am an active member of my local track club. I run races around my area. I am into crossfit as well. I volunteered as TA at the local university as away to get back into grad school. I love my job, so I am on my way to earn more certifications. Every free time I have left, I spend with the kids. I still do the live shows and concerts when they are in town, but I don't really do the night life scene. Keeps me out of trouble. I do the stuff I enjoy doing. working out, reading and pursuing higher education. I still have some work to do. But, I am feel like my better self. I have not been this mentally and physically fit for a long time. I am not 100% yet. However, the void inside of me is widening everyday. If we didn't have a S we shared, the separation would be a lot easier to handle. I would just accept the fact she does not want me and move on in due time. The fact that our sons asks me when am I coming home and tells me I want you to come home or says I want to live with you makes it harder. I see the pain in them. The oldest cries at night. Its sad but its my reality now.
Last edited by hjoseph; 12/05/1404:03 PM.
Me:28 W:24 M:4 years S5, SS5, S2 Separated: 07/01/14 Asked for D 1/09/15
Yea man, Hard Times....I don't think I can change her mind. Only after she leaves may she relize.
But I re-read the 37 rules..#.33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
So, I come back from my trip from Orlando. I arrive at grandma's house to pick up the kids and W is there. She opens the door for me, a first. As I walk through the door, the kids yell "Daddy".I look over towards the couch and W is looking at me with the biggest smile and that look as if she is happy to see me. She knows I love that look. Grandma asks me to help move her exercise machine into her room and put it up for her, W immediately says "Mom! he just came back from a trip and he is tired, Can he do it for you tomorrow?" I concur that I was tired and agreed to tomorrow. W gets up and goes to grab more clothes for the kids for me, she asks me to come with her She didn't say anything but it seemed she wanted to ask me something but the kids interrupted. Soon after, I said my goodbyes and left with the kids. I wanted to call her later that evening, but didn't. Had to remember the rules.
Again, I look for the small things because they come from your subconscious mind and mean the most. She was happy to see me and looking for out for me. When just a few weeks ago, she would not show any concern for me. I maybe reading too much into it.
Me:28 W:24 M:4 years S5, SS5, S2 Separated: 07/01/14 Asked for D 1/09/15
