KGirl con't

[claire7]

I didn't even meet my H till I was 30! You got a Lotta life left in you K Girl!!

[SunnyB]

28 years old is a babe in the woods. I am pushing 50, single, and I am okay! You've got your whole life ahead of you so make the most out of it, KGirl.

Ditto (except technically not single yet.) KGirl, you could be my daughter without any scandal whatsoever. Go live your life, sweetie, you are young, have some fun.

[TLEE86]

So a little late to the party but I just wanted to say that I thought you handled that conversation with class..I know it would have been a huge struggle for me to even say half of what you did. Wish you nothing but the best, and remember, lots of couples have got back together even after papers or the D was done, so don't lose faith if that's what you still want!

[paul19510]

Little, I think it's popped up as a pretty common dynamic here! That same theme is also in a lot of the codependency literature - feeling like you have to have control and take everything over, helping people when they don't ask and getting upset when they don't acknowledge it, etc. But, you know.. even when that's the case, H had opportunities to tell me how he was feeling. He didn't. He made choices. And I did give him opportunities to take care of things on his own.. but then he did not do them (see all of my posts in the past few months about changing the electric bill which as of today he finally took care of... almost 6 months later). What I've been trying to do is think about WHY I felt the need to be over-responsible in hopes of trying to reduce that. I think it stems from a few things:
-needing to control the situation ("If I know exactly what's happening and what's in the calendar and where I put this and what I bought for dinner, bad things can't happen to me")
-fear of rejection and abandonment ("If I do all these things to take care of him/our household, there's no way he'd ever want to leave, what more could he want in life??")
Obviously, neither of those things were resolved by being over-responsible. I had a history of feeling rejected/abandoned by H so I don't think that came out of nowhere/was a crazy fear... so maybe the only way to truly resolve that is with someone else (unless things drastically change).

Interestingly my H told me he wanted someone to be like his mother (take care of things for him and not expect him to do things) but that he would also feel a spark with and be sexual with. Not sure how that all works together.. I doubt he knows, either. His mom basically took care of everything for him and then he treated her like cr*p (SIL's words, not mine) and she just put up with it because she was devoted to her kids. The most recent example was last winter before BD, we bought a big snow blower and he asked his mom to come pick it up in her minivan and take it to our house. She lives an hour away from us. Then he complained about how she loaded it into the van and she just said "I'm sorry" and fixed it. I don't know what exactly he's looking for but based on what I do know, that's sure not me.

If you met someone today that acted that way and they wanted to date you, would you go out with him?

[KGirl]

Thank you all for the reminder that I'm still young (sincerely, not sarcastically!) - I really shouldn't be complaining because I am relatively young and many of my friends are just in relationships/newly married. Lots of time to start over, but I am scared that that also gives me more time for this to happen to me again. Confession - I found out a guy in my apartment building is a grad student in the dept. I work in. I looked him up on our dept. website, and his picture was pretty cute.. and then I saw he finished his bachelor's degree in 2013. So unless he took some time off at some point, he's probably 23 That made me feel "old".. and I have learned I am a terrible judge of age!

I don't know many people my age that are divorced (or that I want to emulate/be like, anyway) so that is tough. I also didn't really date seriously or had other relationships before H so the not knowing what's out there or how this all works is also scary. I mean, at this point (I guess my mind could change) I don't feel comfortable getting physical with someone unless I really like them and am in a relationship... maybe even love them. Is there going to be guys out there in their 30's who are willing to wait for that? :S blah. It is tempting to set up an online dating profile just to see what's out there and chat with people, even though I'm not really interested in starting anything.. just to see it's possible.

So I'm in the "anger" section of the book I'm reading on rebuilding after a relationship ends. It says "People who answer 'yes' to 'I blame my former partner for the end of our relationship' have not fully dealt with their anger yet." I'm not sure how I feel about that. I do blame H for the D, that's for sure. He wanted it, I didn't, I did not see it coming. Did I contribute to things that were harmful in our M? Yes. But I did not choose D as the solution to them, he did. So is it really "wrong" or unhealthy for me to blame him? Or am I really not "there" yet if I still think that?

Paul - no, I would not be interested in this person. It's hard for me to say if this was always like this and I just chose to ignore it, or if things changed/got worse over time. Either way, what I miss is who I thought he used to be (whether it's what I thought or what he actually was maybe doesn't matter at this point), not who he actually is now. I miss the status of being M, some of the dreams and goals, and material things, not really him as a person. I guess that's why I'm not so much actively doing things to try to bring him back or save our M (reading books on relationships, etc.) and just focusing on me and trying to build myself back up.

[Pink17]

KGirl,
You are so young... don't worry so much about age, it's better to worry about what you do with the time you are breathing.

What about looking good, going back to school and do something you enjoy, go out "not looking for a date" but feeling good about every minute you have to be happy.

About feeling angry... let yourself feel all the steps of grief, it will allow you to feel better with time and there will be no guilt. You sure collaborate for the deterioration of your M, but H also did. Life is a learning process and recognizing your failures and your successes will give you a much better chance to be happy in the future... with or without your H.

Be patient with yourself... sometimes it's very confusing to understand if taking care of the practical side of life is controlling or not... in my opinion, I think some people are very responsible and there is nothing wrong with it, and some people are not and they like to rely on others to do the dirt work. I also struggle with this with my H, once I gave him all our bills and info to make payments online... I tough was easy for him, but I found out we had a lot of late fees the next month... so I took it back.

My fault that it happen? No, I don't think so, I think I am just a very real person with simple expectations. Do what you need to do to live everyday in our society.

Try do no stress yourself thinking your qualities are the problem here... one thing is for sure, you will do well for yourself always, you have a thinking head and knows what it takes to have a responsible life... now about your H, who knows, maybe he will struggle even more if you are not there to take care after stuff.

Please, feel young, beautiful, charming, you got it. I am almost 50 and I am feeling pretty sexy these days. With D or not I lost some of the weight I was struggling to lose and now I feel really good.

Hang in there sweetie, give time for your heart to heal, it won't happen overnight. And keep some faith, detach and see what happens when H sees your are moving on with your life.

Most of the time we value more what we think we are loosing.

Hugs!
Pink

[Zues126]

K- this isn't directed as interest in you personally so don't misunderstand me. But as a 35 year old male I've had some time to think about what I might look for in my next R.

-I've been with two women. My gf of 5 years and my STBX of 10. I wouldn't want to be physical with a woman outside of a LTR. And that is what I'd be interested in. I wouldn't want a woman that values this less than me.

-a woman who has been divorced by a WAH has struck me as a appealing option vs never married. We'd have common experience and perspective on what a M is and what it takes. Someone that is ready to work and stick it out through the seasons, that takes vows seriously, that is looking for a lifelong partnership vs a Disney soulmate that cannot b achieved- this would be a plus.

It would be hard for me to trust someone that hasn't been through this because though everyone says they don't believe in divorce, they find out they do when things get tough or stagnant. I think you bring the experience and character that a lot of quite guys would appreciate. So there is a match out there if your H doesn't wake up. Have faith.

[Zues126]

And agreed about blame. I don blame everything on WAS, but she ultimately made the decision that I never would have made. To end the M and break our commitment. So I blame her for ending things when things for tough. I just don't blame things being tough all on her.

[SunnyB]

KGirl, I know this is all scary, but honestly I kind of envy you doing this at 28 instead of 49 like me. Where am I gonna get a guy that's not been M two or three times, that doesn't have a bunch of kids, that isn't set in his ways, that takes care of himself well enough to meet my standards? I take a look around in the places I go and my H is the best thing out there not wearing a wedding band.

Take a leap of faith, girl. When you are ready, of course.

[labug]

Sometimes the end of the marriage comes before choosing D.

We can wish otherwise but that's the reality.