There is no hard and set rule about what to do. Ever. The DB premise is based on "do more of what works and less of what doesn't". No matter what the end game is, you all benefit by interacting as a family. Right? And if your H is one of those people who needs to see if you will walk the talk, then just maybe this is a test. For example, my XH is definitely in that camp. Most of the time, I didn't know he was putting me to the test. He wanted to see if having a R with me was even possible, and his litmus strip was how well or poorly I treated him in any given situation.
I know it's kind of galling when you think it's THEM that did the leaving and disrupting. But the flip side is that because they are the ones that leave, they are the ones who need to believe that things could be different if they were to return. So go into it with the sense that he will come home and want to work with you, and what you do now must be done anyway, so why not practice humility and kindness toward the father of your children now?
Of course, there are no guarantees that if you pass the test that they will come home. They tend to move the bar anyway. But know it's not in vain, because your children will see the efforts and they *will* make a difference to them. It's all good.
So remember everyone: do more of what works and less of what doesn't. That's why everyone's situations are all so unique.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Journaling: Yesterday I ran some errands after I picked up the girls, D12 helped me make dinner (a new recipe), and we all enjoyed it. All very routine, all very nice.
H and I texted on some calendar items yesterday, and then I thanked him for ordering a photo print of the Christmas card picture. (I have a collection of frames for each year since S19 was born.) His reply was to comment on how "chunky" D12 was and then he called D16 "fat". Both my girls are beautiful and of normal weight, but neither is skinny. This smacks way too close to the years he criticized me for being normal sized but not skinny. I didn't make any reply to him at all, and I'm not sure where I want to go with it. I certainly don't want him to start in on their appearance not being up to his standards. And it's certainly a turn-off to ever wanting him back.
Originally Posted By: Underdog
No matter what the end game is, you all benefit by interacting as a family. Right?
Yes! And even though I don't know what the goal is at the moment, this feels right to me. I guess the goal at the moment is to make life as normal as possible for my kids, and getting along with their dad is what I can do to make that happen.
I sukk at going dark. This morning I had to ask him for the safety deposit box key. And then he texted about an item on the "house list" that he asked me to make. I put it on a shared ap so that I wouldn't have to talk to him about it, but he saw it and asked a question that I had to answer.
What I don't like about all this is that is seems like business as usual. Taking care of the kids and the house, but not making any real connections, that's what our M was all about before. And it didn't work. We are great business partners, lousy H and W. Maybe that's a sign.
Journaling: Last night I ended up being by myself at home, D12 was with H and D16 had a babysitting job. I made a few batches of cookie dough, I have a killer sugar cookie recipe and the dough has to be chilled. D16 and I are going to bake Saturday morning for an event she has Saturday afternoon. Yes, I cleaned up the kitchen nicely afterwards.
I also made some progress on The Best Year of Your Life. I listed my go-to excuses, mostly time and kids, plus a few feelings that fall in the not-good-enough department. Those are hard to give up, because if I'm not the busy mom, then who am I? My identity is tied up in my excuses.
Today I'll see H at D12's basketball game. I'm sure we'll sit together and chat like we would have a year ago. And then we'll go our separate ways. I don't really miss him all that much I have to say. Maybe we have too much contact, but I don't see that going away anytime soon, I make a real effort to keep it to kid and house now, and save up anything that's not an emergency. I think that's just my life at the moment.
Oh....and I watched a Seinfeld episode about a hairbrush. It was crazy hilarious. There was this girl named Wonka......
I just want to say I'm glad that you are findnig some peace and balance during your separation. Who knows what will happen with your H? The separation is pretty fresh, and will be for awhile I think (your H sounds like he is really enjoying is furniture buying spree).
I'm glad your focusing your time and energy on you! And you know, in 5 or 6 years, D12 will be off to college too, so its a bonus that you are developing other parts of yourself right now besides Super Mom.
I am reading this and it seems to me like the only thing that has changed is that H can now have his OW in his life and everything else stayed the same. Why would he ever want to change from the situation he now has? He gets his family when he wants, and only when he wants, and he gets OW too. He gets all the benefits you provide and doesnt have to give anything back. I think you are selling yourself short here rpp.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
I am reading this and it seems to me like the only thing that has changed is that H can now have his OW in his life and everything else stayed the same. Why would he ever want to change from the situation he now has? He gets his family when he wants, and only when he wants, and he gets OW too. He gets all the benefits you provide and doesnt have to give anything back. I think you are selling yourself short here rpp.
bdub, I totally hear you and I don't disagree with that. He does get the duck in his nicely-furnished apartment, and he gets to play happy family when he feels like it. And the thing that keeps me playing along is the kids. It makes D12 happy for us to do things together, and I'm willing to do it to for now, and especially through the holidays. I don't know that I always will, though. I just need to live through these early days, and re-evaluate after the New Year.
And, I keep circling back around to this, but......if I actually want him back, that would be the incentive to cut him off, in hopes that it would drive him back to me. But I don't know that I do, so what's the point in creating tension and making my kids unhappy? That's something I need to consider in the New Year also.
I am not discounting your opinion at all, I think it's completely valid. I'm just setting is aside for a few weeks and then I'll decide how I want to play it.
Just voicing my opinion and trying to make you think a little. I totally get the holidays. And I totally get living through the eearly days. Keep up the good work and I will keep nagging you ;-)
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
Speaking of holidays: I did all of my christmas shopping on cyber Monday. I will let everyone else have black friday and store shopping in December.
Do you like having a live christmas tree? Through the years my pets have all but destroyed my tree and I was thinking of going to live trees next year.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
