If we are to D, I will be moving a few states away.
Any job I'd have would start after D and after I move.
Moving my household and studio will take a tremendous amount of work.
I am not going to sell all my furnishings, books and a lifetime's worth of possessions related to my various hobbies--things of true value--just to make a move easier.
I worked hard to earn these things and I plan on keeping them! So it's not like we have an apartment and I have a few suitcases and a box of dishes.
Shoot, if THAT were the case, I would have been long gone by now, I'm afraid.
But we're talking a lot of stuff here people. My ceramics studio ALONE will be something to tackle. It was tough moving everything here, and H was beside me every step of the way. I was ten years younger and not nearly so scrawny.
I said when I moved here that I would never move again. I've moved SO many times in my life, many times with H. I really put down roots for the first time, dug in my heels, did so much work here--the landscaping, stone walls, remodeling, fencing, gardening... it's impressive.
I would really just hate to walk away 3/4 of the way through because my H turned into a jerk. But that may happen. I have no illusions.
But it's not as simple as it sounds, as all.
In the end, I want my own home, with a yard and a garden, and a space for my studio. I want visual and spiritual harmony around me. I need to look at things that please my eyes. I want my pets with me. (Maybe not ALL of them, but several.)
Hi GGG(G), Glad you are thinking about the future. I made the mistake of only thinking about saving my M post B-day before W ended up leaving. I let her blow through my retirement money, I let myself get to the point of having zero savings because I KNEW if I just did and said the right things, W wouldn't end up leaving. Well, she did and I ended up in a very hard place. Just be sure to protect YOU, you may be happy to wait but he may just not give you a choice. Up until a week before she left, W swore that she wasn't even going to see a lawyer let alone file for D. A week later it all changed. Remember what you wrote...IT'S STILL ALL ABOUT HIM, IF IT'S ABOUT ME, IT"S STILL ABOUT HIM. That is the MLC mind set. My W can no more think about anyone other then herself than walk on water. Even with her father, it's all about what she wants FROM him before he dies! Selfishness and total self-centeredness is something all MLCers seem to share. You could fall and break your leg and the thing that would go through your H's mind is how it will cause HIM more work, always keep this is your mind.
I for one think that with or without H you will have the life you choose and I happen to think it will be a fun one filled with song, dance and laughter! It may mean giving up some old dreams (we all have had to leave many of our dreams behind) but I have no doubt you will have new ones that you will make come true all on your own!
"Happiness does not depend on what you have or who you are. It solely relies on what you THINK."
Thanks Matt. Yes, sadly, it's still all about him. He was here last night, sort of proving how responsible he is, I guess.
Yet he left things undone that he should have done because he was "tired", it was "raining"... He will not be here tonight and sue me for thinking that he should have done his normal chores so I would not have to do double tonight to cover for him.
For example, he normally carries the bales of hay down to the animals' stalls because I have difficulty doing that with my back, etc.
Well, today I find there is NO hay down there, he didn't refill the water pails, feed bins. I don't even know why he came, to tell you the truth.
What I got was excuses, and him dumping on me.
This is the same guy who would have bent over backwards to help me in the past.
I had a tough time not calling him up this morning and giving him a piece of my mind. I didn't do it, but I had a long argument with myself over it!
So selfish? Now, it appears so.
And Matt, it's kind for you to say I will have the life I choose. I agree. I am happy now, in so many ways, and I think things will get even better, with or without H.
And hey, DBers! It's a new month, and therefore a new mention from GUBU that "We'll talk this weekend."
What a surprise! Four mentions in exactly four months, and so far---ZIP.
GUBU is back!
Last night he dumped most of his chores on me--I just let it go--and then started up again with the snarky texts last night. -----------------------------------------------------------
I sent him a text (initiated) and said how it's going to be a "fun" night because we were "having an ice storm." He KNOWS this means--no electricity/power, staying awake stoking the wood stove all night, no water to flush the toilet or water the animals (the well pump shuts off), slipping on the ice and falling down in the yard carrying wood and decrepit old dogs... the usual.
He counters with "Better than working. GN."
Mindreading, maybe, but I definitely took that to mean that I shouldn't "complain" about being up here in an ice storm with no power and no water because it's nothing compared to his working every day and---here's the kicker--it's MY OWN FAULT I'M HAVING A HARD TIME OF IT BECAUSE I THREW HIM OUT. So he's the victim again.
Yes, I realize I am reading WAY too much into this, but I know him pretty well.
So I just sent back "What?"
He replies:"GN" (Shutting it down with "goodnight")
So I wait---my heart is pounding and I'm pissed off. Then I remind myself that this guy is a d*ck and my life is going to be great and if he doesn't want to be in it, that's fine. Who the heck wants a jerk like this? Someone who wants me to continue to pay for his actions and frankly seems to have no empathy for me whatsoever. He's so focused on himself.
I've had enough of that nonsense.
Then H:"Sorry just in a state. We'll talk this weekend....reading and sleeping..."
I couldn't resist a truth dart: "Yeah, it's a friggin party under this bus, in case you were confused about that."
(Sorry DBers, but sometimes I'm just not gonna lie down and take it.)
Me: "Should I ask what you are reading?"
H:"Why does it matter" "I don't want to keep texting... I want to read and sleep..."
Me: "You only mentioned it...like five times, is all." "Figured it was something more than People Magazine."
----crickets from him, then--------
H:"That's cute: (snarky or no?) "Bill Bryson...A Walk In the Woods... "Sorry I roiled the waters. Goodnight."
(Not "GN". I hate that. Like he can't be bothered to put in the extra letters? I know he knows this irritates me. He has SAID he knows I "don't like it" when he says "K". It's rude. Sorry, it is 90% of the time.)
Me:"Hey, don't knock 'People'! It's got the scoop on Kim Kardashian's butt implants. Very entertaining!"
And that was the end of that. -----------------------------------------------------------------------
Personally, I was disappointed that he wasn't reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" or "Co-Dependent No More".
But after some thought I realized that the act of reading, instead of... let's say... viewing porn or chatting up the cyberladies on his dating sites (!), well, that could be a very good thing.
And it's a book I might enjoy reading. So good for him.
So if I could POSSIBLY read any more into his few words and actions I'd say:
He's feeling put out by my throwing him out, thus his ongoing anger at me and his blatant lack of helping me other than the bare minimum. He even got angry when, after I asked for his help and he wouldn't give it, that I hired Farm Boy Toy to help out. But not before suggesting that the solution for my difficulty handling all the chores on my own was for me JUST TO LEAVE. (Or probably, invite him back, but he didn't say that. He just got really nasty to me that day.)
He WANTS me to suffer and cave in and admit I can't do it alone--therefore will invite him back out of necessity without requiring him to do what I need him to do for himself, for me, and for our M.
His 'What does it matter?" comment sounds like "YOU don't WANT me, so what do you care what I'm reading?" Really, it's a question you'd ask anyone, right? So why the pissy act? It sounds all pouty to me.
I think he feels like I am rejecting HIM because I have not pursued and cried and begged him to come save me, incompetent that I am.
In fact, he was a lot more receptive to me back when I was crying and sad and broken--AS LONG AS I didn't say anything to upset him. (Codependent MUCH? )
Well, those days are gone, my Peeps!
He's going to have to grow a pair if he wants to be with me. If not, then that's his loss.
If he does, I will even learn to knit so I can create a "Reinforced Jockstrap Collection: Hand Embroidered with the Days of the Week" just for his new set.
Anyhow, he's flip-flopping again. He's angry. He's trying to make me feel more lonely, more in need of him, I really feel this is what's happening here. He's pushing me to collapse so he can come back without asking or changing.
I do not think he will not ask to come home. I suspect the "talk" may well be about how I really "need his help" and therefore he should come back. It's the only way he'll be able to bring that up.
I have asked for more help before and he essentially refused. So it's not that he wants to help me more, he wants me to want him to come home. Wants me to want him.
So then I guess he can decide whether or not he wants me? Uh-uh. Nope.
Ain't gonna happen! And if that's the case, I can expect him to REALLY GET ANGRY and up the ante. Because he'll take it as a REJECTION.
I have to be prepared for this and stand my ground firmly yet kindly. This is non-negotiable. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I know this ^^^^ is all mind reading, but there's got to be a certain amount of reflection about these interactions, to indicate what his frame of mind might be at the moment.
He does have a lot of resentment towards me and one of these days I'd like to ask him to make a list of all the ways I have been unkind, disrespectful, destructive, hurtful towards him. Because I don't think he can come up with anything substantial that was based on MY behavior and not on his interpretation and coloring of it with his own expectations/issues.
I have not been perfect, but I do know for a fact that I never did anything to hurt him or the M. My failings have all been things that I could have done better, but nothing that should have made him feel like my desire was to hurt him.
Whatever. Enough about him.
My phone is blowing up with invites for the next three weeks. Gotta go....
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
It's also possible that his point is just that he resents working while you are "lollygagging" around on the farm. Maybe he wants to just sell it and be done with it too. And he probably wants you to return to work so that he won't have to pay as much in alimony. (My ex was really on me to return to work, I didn't understand it at that time as we didn't need the money and our kids really needed me at home, but I see now that he was planning for the divorce years before I knew. The irony is that now he's married to a woman who will never make as much as I do, haha.)
Hey GGG(G)! Oh, how I HATE when my W texts "K"! I have noticed that she no longer does this. For the year after B-day and the first few months after she left, almost every time she would text THAT was her answer ...... "K", like she couldn't be bothered to take the time to type the "O"! I hated it and she KNEW I hated it, that's why she did it. As I have gone darker and darker, never asking for a thing from her, this has stopped. Of course it hasn't stopped her from asking for much from me but at least she isn't trying to piss me off.
What I don't get is why do they so want us to "want" them, need them? Isn't that what "drove" them away in the first place? All the "pressure" they felt from us expecting them to be good H/W's? Now they fear being rejected by the very people THEY rejected in the first place! Now if THAT isn't crazy, nothing is! Funny how they all seem to end up acting exactly the way they accused the LBS of acting in their spews? The passive/aggressive texts he's been sending you, always followed by some sort of "I'm sorry but...." excuse for being a nasty sh!t is so ridiculous! It seems that in the mind of the MLCer, the way to get someone to "want" you is treat them like crap and wait for them to come begging.
My money is on, once again, him saying now that he wants to 'talk" and, again, never having the guts to say anything. Good for you GGG! I noticed that this time you aren't at all worrying about what he wants to talk about! Much different than the first time back in Sep. when he had you spinning a bit. Now THAT is an excellent sign of just how far you have come in the past couple months!
And, kml, nothing would surprise me. He has never expressed a desire to sell this place, he does seem to really love the animals. But he's done so many other things out of character, so who knows?
As for resenting me for "lollygagging", (that's sucking on lollipops while simultaneously gagging, a skill I am known for), I'm sure he DOES resent it.
And that's totally HIS problem, isn't it?
To bad if he wants me to get a job so he'll be paying less alimony. All the more reason to drag my feet, sorry to say.
He can want all he wants, resent all he wants, spew all he wants and try to manipulate every which way, all he wants.
I am set in my plan and there isn't much he can do about it. I have a really good lawyer, by the way. I know my rights and I am choosing to exercise them.
After all, I didn't ask for this. But you can be damn well sure I'm going to make the best of it! ------------------------------------------------------------
And speaking of "making the best of it", a GORGEOUS, 6'4'' tall Belgian "boy" with a voice that makes me melt and some great dancing chemistry between us, just invited himself to my place over next weekend because there some area events we will both be attending and he has no car at the moment.
Ummm... I had to decline (killing me!) but it's nice that he wants to hang out. But--GUBU will be here, and even if he wasn't I have stated that I will not have men in the house out of respect for him.
PS: We are only friends, he has a GF and knows I'm married. But we do get along quite well, really enjoy each other. And I love when we're out dancing and I see the look on the younger girls' faces when he opens his mouth with his liquid voice and that Belgian accent.... They actually swoon a bit!
SO--go me! We are having dinner and drinks together next week, surrounding a dance event. Normally there would be a group but he is currently car-less, so I'm the driver. Don't worry, everything is on the up and up! But some swooning? Yeah, I could do with some of that!
Well, surprise, surprise. GUBU is back to his old tricks.
He very pointedly has not communicated with me ALL DAY. I said nothing upsetting last night except my "It's a friggin party under this bus, in case you were confused about that."
No doubt HIS feelings got hurt because I suggested he might have done something wrong in his life. Therefore, I must pay.
Yeah, I know it sounds like mind reading, but really, I've been through this enough with him. He takes things very personally, thinks I'm being critical when I suggest he might think of things a different way.
And the fact is, any time I intimated that perhaps his cheating on me, lying to me, and all the rest was actually harmful to me and hurt me deeply--I WAS THE BAD GUY FOR POINTING OUT HIS 'FLAWS".
I made him "feel bad about himself" therefore, I was to be punished in some passive-aggressive way. That was our entire marriage, I can see now.
This is exactly the same.
He may think that shutting me out hurts me, but he couldn't be more wrong. All it does is show me how incredibly immature and pathetic he is, how weak and cowardly. How he is not getting better at all and it just adds to my determination to let the divorce go through.
I can't live with someone who acts like this. I just can't. And I know it's not a case that he didn't see the one text I sent saying I'd cover for him tonight because I know he has a late interview---his phone is glued to his body, and when it was OW they texted 100+ times a day.
No. He got it, and is ignoring me. Passive aggressive chit. I'm sick of this merry-go-round.
I'd say:
