This is hard to say and I hold this in my sitch, but W relationship with OM is her concern. The existence of it is important to know, so you can have your boundaries.
Great passion or dishwater crush? Irrelevant.
No doubt others here would have you know in detail. My view is that it is unimportant. You and W and your M are your main goal without an open marriage. That is what you say you want and DB is about a happy marriage between two committed parties.
Whilst you focus on W and OM, it's blocking rzr. By your growth, your change, your improved GAL then you have the best chance of building the best relationships including W. The change is in progress, keep going. Vanilla
I agree with you; I know it's ultimately their business. I'm just trying to figure out what to look for to see if she's moving back towards me. By her words and her actions right now that I can see, it looks as if she is. But, I know better than to hang anything on that. I also know better than to think that she's simply going to come home one day and say "whew, what was I thinking? Husband, you and I are going to be just fine." Just a question I had in my head when I woke up this morning. That's why I post those questions here.
And yes, you're right. My M has the best chance of getting rebuilt through my consistent growth and change.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I know that I need to see W making positive moves away from OM. How can you see things like that when there's not that much contact between them?
It's one of those Potter Stewart things. You remember him, the old Supreme Court justice, who said -- about pornography -- "I can't define it, but I'll know what it is when I see it."
You will KNOW when your wife is moving back towards you. SHE will go no-contact with OM, and she will demonstrate to YOU that she has. SHE might ask you about MC'ing, or a Retrouvaille weekend or something. SHE will ask you "What would it take for us to get back together again, and work at this?" Those sorts of things.
It's NOT just about "being nice" to you, and in fact at the beginning it will most likely be the OPPOSITE. She will be at her "nicest" when having just gotten a rush from a "hit" from OM, and she may be at her most irritable when she's in hard withdrawal from TRULY going no-contact with him, and be angry towards you for "making me give up my affair," as sick as that sounds.
Trust me . . . you will just know. It will be unlike anything she's projected toward you through all of this.
It's one of those Potter Stewart things. You remember him, the old Supreme Court justice, who said -- about pornography -- "I can't define it, but I'll know what it is when I see it."
You will KNOW when your wife is moving back towards you. SHE will go no-contact with OM, and she will demonstrate to YOU that she has. SHE might ask you about MC'ing, or a Retrouvaille weekend or something. SHE will ask you "What would it take for us to get back together again, and work at this?" Those sorts of things.
It's NOT just about "being nice" to you, and in fact at the beginning it will most likely be the OPPOSITE. She will be at her "nicest" when having just gotten a rush from a "hit" from OM, and she may be at her most irritable when she's in hard withdrawal from TRULY going no-contact with him, and be angry towards you for "making me give up my affair," as sick as that sounds.
Trust me . . . you will just know. It will be unlike anything she's projected toward you through all of this.
Starsky
OK, makes sense. A "know it when I see it" thing. We're already in MC so that won't be a clue. She was mildly affectionate last night after we went to bed. I didn't really reciprocate. She's going to be in for a shock if she tries to initiate sex before OM is out of the picture. I don't think I've ever turned down sex with her before. That'll be a change!
I'm fully prepared for it to be ugly when she does cut off OM. The last time she did it (before Halloween) she went into a deep depression for about 2 days. She's terrified to go back there again. What she's forgetting is that it passed after less than 48 hours, and our relationship immediately improved, including her sexual attraction to me which she claims is gone. Not to be coarse, but if that was her when she wasn't attracted to me, then I'm in for some good times if/when that attraction comes back.
That lasted 4 days until she got drunk and contacted him. By Monday it was like nothing had changed between us. She's too foggy to see the pattern, but I know she'll have to get through that fog herself. That's why I persist with MC, perhaps the C can help her see that pattern and find the courage to do what she needs to do.
OK, enough OM talk. I'm trying to cut down.
New GAL news. I run a 4-man marathon relay with 3 of my oldest friends every Spring. We had to miss this year, but we've got the band back together for 2015. With my weight loss and the pace times I've been getting in training, it should be a sweet race next year. I'm stoked!
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
The date MC recommended that you guys plan out. I suggest that the date be centered on the woman as a way to re-attract your W to you. As for going to a movie, pick one that focuses on emotions not some action-oriented one like "Thor."
Then during the dinner date, pretend that you are a guy named Norman who works as an archaeologist and ask your W to pretend to be someone like a Jessica who works as a nurse (let her pick the name and occupation). I did this a few times with Ms. Wonka and they made for fun, entertaining date nights. Nothing like acting like someone else and get your imaginations going.
Oh and when you do actually go out on a date, be sure to have on some new clothes and a small dab of cologne on you.
She was mildly affectionate last night after we went to bed. I didn't really reciprocate. She's going to be in for a shock if she tries to initiate sex before OM is out of the picture. I don't think I've ever turned down sex with her before. That'll be a change!
Just say something like "As much as I always love making love with you, considering where our marriage is at right now, I really don't think it's a good idea."
We've settled on Friday night. We'll probably go to our favorite Teppanyaki place for dinner. I'm not telling her where we're going. I'm just going to text her that morning and tell her to be ready at 7:00 and to wear something I can show her off in. We guys always love arm candy!
Not sure about a movie. I thought about "The Best of Me" until I read the reviews. The reviews are bad, and a movie that romanticizes infidelity is probably not the best choice.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
She was mildly affectionate last night after we went to bed. I didn't really reciprocate. She's going to be in for a shock if she tries to initiate sex before OM is out of the picture. I don't think I've ever turned down sex with her before. That'll be a change!
Just say something like "As much as I always love making love with you, considering where our marriage is at right now, I really don't think it's a good idea."
That's my thought. As bad as I want to (she looked SO good getting dressed this morning), it's not a good idea until OM is resolved. The last thing I want her to think is that she can get me to be her doormat for occasional sexual crumbs. When she recommits I'll rock her world, but not beforehand.
Last edited by Rzrback; 12/02/1405:49 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
date night sounds like a plan. i think it would be a great idea to do something silly and fun. go play putt putt, roller skate, ice skate, something that shows you can just have fun with no pressure. if that goes well, you can always have a romantic plan for the second part of the date. a got to with me is "can i buy you and ice cream cone?" who doesn't love ice cream and that's not pressure packed like "do you wanna go park?". just some ideas.
M40 XW35 M11 T15 S9 D5 Bomb 6/3/14 Papers del 10/3/14 D final 12/5/14
I wish I could love you and make you believe it 'Cause that's all you ever wanted From me
