Having the kids is the best! Taking the boys to the zoo next weekend to see the christmas lights. The new Hunger games movie is good. Took S10 and S13 there last weekend.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
Church was ok this morning. After church H snapped pictures of the kiddos for the Christmas card and then we all went to breakfast, including D16's bf. I briefly considered not going but I didn't want to miss out on the time with S19 who is going back to college today. Overall, H has his independent bachelor/duck life and his family life too. Best of both worlds. I know I shouldn't participate in that but I dont know that I'm the critical player here. The kids were going with H anyway, I don't know that my staying away would have changed his perception of warm happy family. Anyway, it was a pleasant breakfast.
Journaling: Not much to tell about the rest of Sunday. S19 left to go back to school, I did a little Christmas decorating, and that's about it. H and I exchanged a couple of texts about kid calendar for the upcoming week, and he sent me the pictures that he took for the Christmas card.
He asked if we wanted to go get our Christmas tree next Sunday afternoon. I am torn. We have always made the tree a family outing, and the main reason I'd want to do it that way again would be for D12. I am certainly capable of getting a tree on my own, but I don't want to take away her family outing. The reason I wouldn't is because it's feeding his double life of bachelor/duck and happy family, to be toggled at his convenience.
But truthfully, I'm struggling with even that. I know I shouldn't allow his double life but what if I don't care? What if I don't actually want him back and so it's OK with me that we play happy family occasionally for the sake of the kids? If I do decide later that I really want him back, have I done too much damage? I know everyone says don't worry about being friends right now, but this is an ongoing issue for me. It's really easy to be his friend.
I'm with labug. You're not really feeding a double life. The kids know he's gone, and they know why he's gone. If he's delusional, maybe he thinks he's pulling it off, but in reality there's no secrets. I think you're doing well considering the circumstances.
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rpp, I have to agree with Bug as well. It doesn't appear that you're in a good place to start all over with different traditions. You can reevaluate during the year next year and see where everyone is. It's probably easier for your kids to get through what will undoubtedly be a weird holiday with as much familiarity as you can both offer.
Besides, picking out a tree, mounting it on the car and then hauling it in and putting it in a stand is a lot of work for you alone. Let him contribute to that.
In the same theme as Bug stated, have you had any ideas from reading The Best Year of Your Life? I did pull it out again and it's on my nightstand - I re-read the introduction and then the holiday hit. I'm going to pick it back up tonight in earnest. There is so much positive there.
Focus on what you can do to take care of yourself and your kids. I'd really focus on YOU this holiday. Your kids have been your priority for awhile, and the time has come for some extreme self-care. Coffee with friends, mani/pedis, new costume jewelry, a new, fun workout (pole dancing? LOL hot yoga?) - anything to give to yourself will go a long way toward making you feel better about YOU.
Wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it when you start imagining what his life is life. You won't get the truth from what you tell yourself anyway. It's a lost cause, is not helpful and will do nothing to make you become happy. Right?
And while you're at it, maybe you can start a new tradition this year just because it's something you want to do? Sometimes it means eliminating expectations that don't bring you joy. For me, that was dropping the Christmas card thing. I have a huge network of family and friends that I adore, and I love hearing from them. But having that albatross chore smack in the month of December made me depressed. I hated feeling obligated to do it. So a couple of times, I sent out cards and letters in February. It made everyone laugh. I might do that again in February just because. I do remember that first year going out with my Denver adopted parents and kids and looking at Christmas lights. It was really fun and it got me in the mood to be joyful.
I tell you this because I struggled with Christmas "joy" for years. There is a lot of baggage there, and I finally addressed it. So I truly *had* to do things that made me feel joy, because it's the reason for the season and my girls deserved it. I didn't want my legacy to them to include holiday depression because I wasn't ready or willing to clear that up.
Anyhoo, I hope you can find some new reasons to seek out JOY - starting today! Let it be a practice you carry forward over the new year and beyond.
Hugs-Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I disagree with Labug and wmwb. I think you are allowing him to cake eat. He chose to run, let him go. Let him deal with not having a family anymore. I know it stinks and it means that you don't either, but its kinda true.
Getting your own tree would be a great GAL activity. It would show your kids you are capable of standing on your own. Start a new tradition. Who knows, it might be better than the old.
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