Need help. Jefe wants to change himself. Pt 7

[Jefe]

Blogging...

So, I left my phone in the other room today because I just don't feel the need to urgently run and answer it the last few days. The wife had called around 11:20am and I missed it. She texts 15 minutes later "Are you working today?" I didn't see that one until almost a half an hour later. I reply "No, why?". I barley hit send and she was calling. I never really did understand why she called. Like she wanted to talk but didn't know what to say, then "Well, I guess I better let you go, I need to get back to work."

I mean, I'm glad she called but I'm confused all at the same time.

I did Thanksgiving #3 today with my step-sister's family etc... Big fun. I invited the W but she had to work.

Good evening all.

[labug]

Stop being confused.

She may not understand why she's calling.

What do you know to be true?

What are you doing for you? (besides recovering from all that food.)

[Jefe]

What do you know to be true?

I don't know.

What are you doing for you? (besides recovering from all that food.)

I am working my steps, sweeping my side of the street. Working at nor being critical and complaining, etc.

[labug]

You don't know what you know to be true?

I'll take a stab at it:
Your W still have feelings for you.
She calls to talk with you in a friendly way.
You have lots of expectations.
You love your wife.
You love your children.
You're uncomfortable with the unknowns of life.

That's a start.

Working your program is not generally thought of as getting a life (GAL). While that's a tremendous undertaking, what is Jefe doing that makes Jefe, Jefe?

Learning a new skill or hobby?

Volunteering for a cause you believe in?

Have a great day.

[Jefe]

"I'll take a stab at it:
Your W still have feelings for you.
She calls to talk with you in a friendly way.
You have lots of expectations.
You love your wife.
You love your children.
You're uncomfortable with the unknowns of life"

I hope she does, I think you guys can see it more clearly than I can.
Yes she often does
I'm not meaning or wanting to
Beyond a doubt and without measure
Again, absolutely
Yes. Extremely so. You'd think with the childhood I had I'd be used to it by now.

"Working your program is not generally thought of as getting a life (GAL). While that's a tremendous undertaking, what is Jefe doing that makes Jefe, Jefe?

Learning a new skill or hobby?

Volunteering for a cause you believe in? "

You are correct.

_____________________________________________________________________

Church was good. Wife did not show as is becoming the new norm.

We (the girls and I) got home after church and made lunch. While I was still making it the wife just showed up to pick them up. She has decided that Sundays will be her day to let them some spend the night and we had loosely discussed today but had no set plans. I was not angry or anything just would have been nice to know when she was coming.

I asked her if she was prepared to make their lunches for tomorrow for school, etc. She said she was not ready. So she wanted to know when she could drop them off in the morning. I asked if she would please just come by and help get them ready while I make their lunches and take them to school since she was planning too anyway.

She got very angry and said no and when I asked why: "Because I don't want to be here and hang out, that's why. Are we going to argue about it now?" I said no we're not because "I'm not going to engage in any negative communication with you. Nevermind, it was just a thought. Have them here at 6:30 and I will take it from there."

Very random with the anger. She hung out longer today waiting for them to eat lunch than she would have in the morning. But if she doesn't want to she doesn't want to.

While she was here today she was very comfortable and casual and acting very "wifey" with honey-do lists and instructions about what she thought I should be doing with my time since she was going to have the kids tonight.

I'm trying as hard as I can to not have any expectations or be confused about anything. But her rapid rise to anger really caught me off guard. I guess it's my fault for not having discussed this stuff up front. I will need to do a better job of communicating before the fact. I was proud of my ability to not take the bait and engage in the negative behavior.

Tomorrow is a new day.

[Hope414]

When you say, " she was acting very 'wifey' with honey-do lists and instructions about what she thought I should be doing with my time since she was going to have the kids tonight."


My definition and your definition of behaviors are probably very different. Couples develop a language unique and distinct to their individual relationship.

What was she doing that made you interpret her behaviors to mean this. And why did you infer this as "wifey" and "honey-do list" behaviors for your wife?

[twinmom]

Why were you asking if she was prepared? Set times/days for pick up and drop offs and be done with it. My "take" on the interaction is that you sounded pretty condescending and **assumed** she wasn't going to make sure the girls had lunch tomorrow. I would have blown up if someone spoke to me like that.

My advice, set a schedule and stick to the responsibilities. You may be intending to "help" but it comes off as treating her like a child.

[Jefe]

Twin,

I have posted 2 responses to the above statement and deleted them both. I simply cannot articulate words at the moment.

I can say this, however. Your take on it is not even close to the reality of it.

But, I will ruminate on it.

[twinmom]

Listen Jefe, I have been there. I KNOW how tempting it is to want to help. I also know the flip side and have asked my H (whenever he may become ex-H) about interactions when he was living with OW. He has said that numerous times he felt like I was treating him like he couldn't handle the kids when my only intent was to help.

Once we went to a set schedule it helped a lot. He did things that confused thehe'll out of me too. If you have time read my threads...

Just remember I have been exactly where you are. I didn't save my marriage because I decided not to continue the work, not my H. I know how you feel. I KNOW the thoughts going through your head. Reading into every interaction is going to make you crazy. You NEED to GAL!!!!!!!!!

[GoatGal]

Jefe,

I actually read the interaction completely the other way.

It sounded to me like W was going about her business, she decided she wanted this and not that, and didn't much care if you were inconvenienced. And when you asked her to help after she dropped them off (because she "wants Sundays") she said she didn't want to "hang around".

Presumably because you're there?

However, twin mom has a really good point about you asking her if she was "prepared".

It could sound like you're insinuating that she doesn't have a handle on things, when I think you were just trying to make sure the lunches were covered.

You might review that convo and see where the truth lies.

I might have phrased it differently.
"Please let me know if I will need to get their lunches ready on Monday morning."
That sounds reasonable and doesn't imply she might drop the ball.
Plus, it gives you some notice to take care of getting the children fed.

Jefe, PLAN on her dropping the ball.
YOU make sure to be prepared so you don't get caught short.
That way you don't get angry at her for letting you down while you continue to get things done.
----------------------------------------------------------------

No. It's not fair. But unfortunately, you sort of have to act like a single father right now.
She's not going to be as responsible as you'd like, and you're going to have to pick up more of the slack. It's what happens.
Most of our WAS don't get awards for "Parent of the Year" while they're in whatever fantasy-land they're living in.

So you plan on doing it.
Only because if she doesn't do it, someone has to.

And that's you, Super-Dad.



---(G)GGG