I just started into a codependency book recommended by another poster. I'm not far in, but I'm starting to wonder if she's not as codependent on me as I am on her.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
What part of "NO R TALKS" and "NO ILY/PURSUIT" don't you understand? Or do you understand it and don't have the will to follow it?
You can't possibly hope to have DB work for you if you don't follow its precepts.
You're trying to do "piecing" before you've even completed the "DBing" stage. You've got it backwards, and you're setting yourself up for a crash in my opinion.
As you well know, we cannot always avoid R talks ALL the time. That is not realistic and not healthy either. They will happen and do need to happen at some point. I think Rzr did well there.
Rzr has never STOPPED having them, nor do I believe he has stopped the pursuit. I think his WORDS tell his wayward wife thing ("I won't be your Plan B") while his ACTIONS say otherwise.
Rzr has never STOPPED having them, nor do I believe he has stopped the pursuit. I think his WORDS tell his wayward wife thing ("I won't be your Plan B") while his ACTIONS say otherwise.
OK, I'll cop to my initiated ILY last night as pursuing, but what exactly are my other actions saying? I had an R talk, but she initiated and kept it within bounds IMHO. That was the first R talk in almost a week. Any other affection between us was initiated by her.
We're doing home projects together, but we still have a house to run for the time being, regardless of our marriage sitch.
Last edited by Rzrback; 11/29/1405:43 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
"In almost a week. " You should have no more than one or two of these in 6 mos, in my opinion and experience. DB teaches to monitor results, which should NOT be "is she being nicer to me?" but rather is she making demonstrable moves away from OM and back towards the marriage.
I think you're way too close to "gay boyfriend" territory to successfully re attract her. That's just my opinion.
The thing about "R talks" is they should not be initiated by the LBS. You are to avoid them UNLESS the WAS brings them up. This includes "temperature checks".
When they do bring up the R, your job is to VALIDATE UNTIL YOUR EYEBALLS FALL OUT.
That said, it's easy to do temp checks and justify them, so you have to be super honest and transparent with yourself.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
If a walkaway spouse (no active affair) initiates, I would advise the LBS to listen very carefully for clues as to her feelings, what his contributions to the marital dysfunction were, etc, so long as it doesn't turn into disrespectful bashing. I wouldn't advise tolerating outright deceit or rudeness, but validate otherwise.
If it's waywardness the LBS is facing -- esp a continued, unrepentant affair -- I do think the rules need to be a little different. I usually advise a "I understand that you feel ______; end your affair and come back and work on the marriage with me, and I think you will find that I am ready to work on any and all issues, including my own contributions to our prior marital problems" stance.
I do NOT think it is at ALL emotionally healthy -- especially for a man -- to sit and listen to their wayward wife's conversations about her OM, and to her contrasting her OM relationship with her marriage.
If a walkaway spouse (no active affair) initiates, I would advise the LBS to listen very carefully for clues as to her feelings, what his contributions to the marital dysfunction were, etc, so long as it doesn't turn into disrespectful bashing. I wouldn't advise tolerating outright deceit or rudeness, but validate otherwise.
If it's waywardness the LBS is facing -- esp a continued, unrepentant affair -- I do think the rules need to be a little different. I usually advise a "I understand that you feel ______; end your affair and come back and work on the marriage with me, and I think you will find that I am ready to work on any and all issues, including my own contributions to our prior marital problems" stance.
I do NOT think it is at ALL emotionally healthy -- especially for a man -- to sit and listen to their wayward wife's conversations about her OM, and to her contrasting her OM relationship with her marriage.
Starsky
I do see what you're saying. I never initiate R talks with her. She's the one who's constantly temp-checking. When she was talking about OM last night, she was trying to analyze how she got in this insane (her words) situation. The tone on her part was fairly dispassionate when it comes to him. I hear in her words a thinning of the fog, but probably not enough. I simply try to listen and see what she's saying. Last night's R talk was not all about him, and it stayed aboveboard and respectful, at least in tone.
I had a good start telling her that OM was her mess to clean up, but it's obvious I need to turn the screws a little harder.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
