Staying Focused

[Lifes Twists]

Mighty,

Talk to the doctor before you take son off the meds. You may need to wean him off them and not go cold turkey. It is a shame they ever put your son on them at his age. I feel that doctors use them as the first resort rather than the last resort based on my experience with wife and daughter. If I had allowed it, my daughter would be on them daily for 4 years now. Instead she takes a natural product only as needed. I feel she is learning how to manage her anxiety with the natural product rather than becoming dependent on the pharmaceutical. Good Luck

[Mighty]

Lt, yes I totally agree. I hate that out society is overmedicated. For me, it is always a last resort. I don't even take something for a headache. I am weary of things....

I never thought in a million years I would do this for my kid. After I found out about the attempt ( which he had already been in counseling) and knew we were dealing with severe anxiety & depression, I would have done anything. Several counselors & psychiatrist kept pushing meds. I was hesitant, but even s17 said he needed something. I was so lost and scared. I asked millions if questions, including, how soon he would be able to get off, as this was hopefully temporary.

I did it w the intent of being temp (she said at least 1 yr). It's been about 1/3 of that. It is not helping as far as I can see. Things have gotten much worse, which is why I feel everything needs to change.

I will talk about weaning him off at the next appt. they do make him go for blood tests, which I will take him tomorrow to see what is in his system.

I feel for him. Not only was his family ripped apart overnight, he dealt w his grandmothers cancer battle (they are very close), his cousin (who he looked up to) killed in an accident, his best friend moved out of state, the neighbor who he grew up with and spent every day with (like brothers) had to move out bc of his stepdad, so now they never see eachother. He has been failing (honor student) the last two yrs & has seen everything he thought his future go down the tubes, he sees his sister doing extremely well in school & sports & everyone lives her. It's just been a lot for him to deal with. He said in front of xh the other day, "mom, do you know what it is like to look up to someone your entire childhood since the day you were born, written every project/ report about this person since elementary school and now you don't want to ever be anything like this person? Ouch.

So, thanks lt. I will def look into that recommendation. It is our first priority to get this kid back on track!!

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Mighty,

I hope you also look at what type of counseling he is getting. From my own research I feel that most counseling really reinforces the issue rather than help it. A lot of counselors listen to the person then validate and reinforce what the person feels. People who have depression and anxiety do not need someone to reinforce what they are feeling. They need a counselor who helps them to understand their feelings and then develop coping skills. My wife never developed these skills and we are where we are with her. Given how things have progressed with your son, I would definitely determine if his counselor is the right one for him.

[Mighty]

Oh, well put, lt. Yes, you clarified some of my thinking. I actually have an appt with a new counselor coming up. I don't know what else to do. It seems really hard to find someone "good." He has lost his faith, too. I just need to find the right person. He has a really good core, I just hope he is able to work through this. Thanks so much for helping me with this.

[Lifes Twists]

I would look for a solution focused brief counselor. This type is focused on working on the immediate issue and developing solutions. You can look in psychology today to get a list of counselors in your area. they have a website where you can do the search based on type of therapy.I don't think your son has issues from when he was younger. I feel he is dealing with both typical teenage issues compounded by the situation between you and your spouse. He just needs some tools to deal with things. If he gets these he probably won't lash out anymore.

[AJM]

Not only new counselors, but check the meds and the side effects. In teens they can be detrimental and need to be watched carefully. Much more so than with adults.

Glad your surgery went well! It seems it went so well that you're now painting, redecorating, etc. Not a moment to stand still, right?

Hmmm. The ex. Seems he wants to come clean about a lot of things. Seems to be a torrent of information. Ah the holidays, right?

Remember though - your life. Your needs. Your balance. If you need him to go so you can be alone, then you should tell him.

Him remembering you eating in his truck? Why does that surprise you? That's when he saw you as you being you. Not anything else. i.e. when your real you shone through without a thought to anything else. People can be very attractive in those situations. I'm sure you have similar thoughts about when your ex was doing something and was focused on it to the point he didn't realize you were looking.

hww? She won't understand any of it because she has no life experience to draw on to understand it. She compares to her own experiences and...comes up short. Likely won't ever understand it - poor thing


Keep in mind, Mighty that emotions for the whole family are all over the place right now. Likely will be a for a long time. The only thing that helps that is your balance. Seems odd, but you are the center of the stabilization effort and only you can become the balance for the family. It seems that you need some alone time, and you may not want to do that again via surgery. I hope not anyway. But it may be a good idea to find a way and a time to be alone. If your ex wants to be back in the kids lives, maybe that would be a good time to let those three be alone together for maybe a weekend or something? While you go to a place (with a real spa?) and unplug your cell?

I'm not a therapist, but that's something that seems to work for you.

AJ

[Mighty]

AJ, you are so friggin perceptive, it's unreal.

Glad your surgery went well! It seems it went so well that you're now painting, redecorating, etc. Not a moment to stand still, right?

I have incredible amounts of energy right now. I want to work out & go for a run, but I could tell it's not a good idea after running around w birthday dog yesterday.
The time will come.

Hmmm. The ex. Seems he wants to come clean about a lot of things. Seems to be a torrent of information. Ah the holidays, right?

hearing this stuff makes it so much easier for me to move away from it. Leave it in the past. Of course, I am sure he his hesitant to divulge everything, I think he is surprised how well I have handled it. He doesn't realize I am aware of a lot of it and have moved past it. He was shocked when I told him the furniture store called here when their order was in. I think he felt bad. He says he had blinders on. He also said he has made more mistakes in the past year to last a lifetime. I said, hopefully all of our lifetimes.

Remember though - your life. Your needs. Your balance. If you need him to go so you can be alone, then you should tell him.

I thought of this last night. That's why I just slipped out for a little bit. Shoveling and taking dog for a walk. Very peaceful.

Him remembering you eating in his truck? Why does that surprise you? That's when he saw you as you being you. Not anything else. i.e. when your real you shone through without a thought to anything else. People can be very attractive in those situations. I'm sure you have similar thoughts about when your ex was doing something and was focused on it to the point he didn't realize you were looking.

^^^^^^ that made me cry for some reason.

Mighty that emotions for the whole family are all over the place right now. Likely will be a for a long time. The only thing that helps that is your balance. Seems odd, but you are the center of the stabilization effort and only you can become the balance for the family.

that made me laugh. Scary thought for all involved... Including society. Ha! No, I can do this!

It seems that you need some alone time, and you may not want to do that again via surgery. I hope not anyway. But it may be a good idea to find a way and a time to be alone. If your ex wants to be back in the kids lives, maybe that would be a good time to let those three be alone together for maybe a weekend or something? While you go to a place (with a real spa?) and unplug your cell?

yeah, I guess you are right. I like trips to the library, coffee shop, parking near water- alone. Guess I hadn't really thought much about it. I did it a lot more after bd. but yeah, I need to keep at it. I have been on high alert w s17 24/7- even getting calls, emails, texts everyday at work. And going it alone does not help. I feel good and, ahem, confident in xh stepping up w this. And I am actually comfortable having him just hang here w kids while I leave. I was thinking it would also be a good way for him to ease his way back in w s17. Gradually and causally, but he will be firm with behavior. When s17 lashes out at him, he lets it roll & knows he had to get it out, but is taking a firm stance at what is/isn't acceptable. Whew! Same page, back up, right direction- hopefully!

Lt, I will look that up today. I ALS have the name of a holistic lady who helps with anxiety & stuff like that. I am feeling better knowing steps I. The right direction are being taken. Thank God!!

[BklynMom]

I agree not a lot of "good" therapist out there. I know I tried several. Now I found the right one, and he cost a lot of $$$, but I am on the right medication and I know I have gotten so much better.

You exH seems really tricky right now. You are right handling him with caution.

He sees that the good life for him would be back home with his family but he hasn't done the work on himself.

[daring]

Hey Mighty- sounds like you're doing well and things are moving in a good direction.
I'm sorry to hear your son is still having issues- he had enough things happen to him this year to turn it all upside down for sure! When my S16 was admitted- the doc recommended "Dialectical behavior therapy". I had never heard of this but after learning about it I think it fits as a form of solution oriented. It's often done in groups but my son wanted none of that. Therapy really did help though.

I hope you can find the right resources for helping him. I know it is so stressful.

[Mighty]

Hey guys. First, s17 is doing better each day. Today, he and his gf went and spent the day in my hometown at the "Festival of Lights". D13 was Elsa on the Frozen float, there were fireworks, hot chocolate, etc. They hung with my mom and went back to her house to eat (beef on weck- Buffalo thing!)and hung out with my parents. My dad texted me and said how nice it was and that they had a great time. I commented that it was nice for them to have some good ol' fashioned fun, no pun intended. S17 is getting slightly more comfortable seeing his dad around more. But he is excited about decorating for Christmas tomorrow! We have always gotten into it. He is not ashamed to bring out his playful side like that.

Things are coming along with xh. Lots and lots of talks. Lots. Not really dredging up stuff, but he is being totally honest (from what I gather). Some is more difficult to hear. Others is a relief to know that it really wasn't sunshine and roses.

It is honestly the script. Play by play. It is unreal. It is like you can see him trying to process what has happened. He admits that it was so out of control. That the whole time he didn't know what was happening. He always knew something was missing, but he couldn't figure out what it was.

He also said he does not mind talking with me about this. He will answer any questions, but he can only do it in small bits. I think it becomes overwhelming and confusing.

He told me a lot about hww. She is probably the most selfish, self-entitled, inconsiderate person alive. She is a big baby, her parents still spoil her like crazy. She completely fabricated a story about me to her parents, which xh immediately corrected and told her mom, you know how hww like to make things up. Her mom admitted to spoiling her. But, it does not end. They are selling their house to move into hww's and xh's new house.

Xh says she really does not get it. She really kept trying to figure out what my problem is and why I don't like her and accept their r because it has been so long (uhhhh... in baby years!) EVERYTHING was about HER son. TOTALLY spoiled. Xh said they are so wasteful and spent $ like crazy. Spent everything on the kid. Blah, blah, you get the picture.

She was always questioning him, saying, "You don't care about me!" When she found out she was pregnant, she was EXCITED (to be pregnant by a married man... omg) and was always throwing things in his face, like, you don't want this baby! Total psycho. Totally selfish. BUT, we ALL new that, right??!!

Yesterday was pretty intense. Xh said he was willing to do whatever it takes to get his family back. He said it was so horrible being there with her when all he could think about was me and the kids, knowing that he loves me and didn't care about her. He said he used to drive by my house all the time. For the entire year. Tomorrow will be 1 year since he moved out (RIGHT after bd). Man, a lot has happened in one year.

He told me a few times yesterday that he loves me. There was even a little smoochin.... Whoa.... been awhile. I miss him.

Today was a little different. He came over this morning. We went to d13 game. He asked if I wanted to ride with him, I passed and said I'd meet him over there. We sat together. Some awkward glances from people. Xh asked if it was weird for me or awkward for people to look. I said, "No. Nobody has to live my life except me." He liked that, I could tell.

We met up later in the afternoon (he is next door, after all). I needed to get a few things for the house, so we went shopping together. We looked around for some Christmas stuff too and discussed who was going to get what. We went to dinner at a place the kids and I like to go. Nothing fancy. He was a little more distant today. He is majorly stressed. Majorly. He is not looking forward to the next month. I gave him some db techniques and some things I've learned as suggestions to help deal and not dwell and stay stressed. He was very appreciative of the support. He has been very alone for the past year. He said he and hww really didn't do anything together. He didn't really like being around them, especially since it drove him crazy she spoiled and babied her son. (Oh boy, that only makes co-parenting more difficult.) He hasn't talked to any friends, his mom just met hww a couple weeks ago. He said it was tough, his mom didn't really talk (and when he told her on Thanksgiving that he'd moved out she got the biggest grin and started crying, saying she knew he wasn't happy in that sitch.) Xh hasn't spoken to his dad in over a year, who was recently in the hospital, or anyone for that matter. He said it was just like he went off into his own world for awhile.

He is ready for this to be done so he can figure out the next step for himself.

He talked about our future together, on a few different occasions.

Hww is going crazy. She keeps driving by. Many times. Bil next door has cameras on his house and looked on them and saw her many times, specifically on Thanksgiving. XH had dog doo on his door handle of his car. He got a text from someone from a friends w benefits site. I think her and her friends are playing at their maturity level..... nice. I just laughed and told him not to let it bother him. She also has called and texted a few times. She wanted help with the fireplace tonight at 11:30. Yeah, right. It bothers him a lot. He says he just wants it to be over. (bothers me too!) She really got to me tonight. I removed myself for a little bit. Then, when we talked, I was honest. I said that I don't know if I can do this. I told him that I don't want to tell him what to do or how to handle her, but she is so toxic to my life, that I just cant do that. I feel bad that he feels more pressure, and from me, but damn, there has to be a boundary there. I was like, you had no problem shutting me down. I also said that It is not my place to tell him what to do or how to handle it, and that I was sorry for even discussing it, but I felt I had to be honest. That I had to set some kind of boundary bc she has had too much say in how things have been in my life for awhile and that I just couldn't let it continue.

OK... seriously... I can't believe that I am not only sharing this... but that the saga continues.....

I had heard a rumor this year about s17's counselor. That something had happened a few years ago.... whateve. I was like, well, I don't know anything about it, and she has been great for s17 and communicated and spent so much time dealing with him, that I am very appreciate.

Tonight xh said something about her and the rumors. Since hww went to this school, I was like, what, is she running her mouth? He said, actually, yeah. He said that in hs, the counselor *supposedly* messed around with hww's boyfriend! WTF!!!! Are you kidding me? The rumor I've heard was about hww's boyfriend!!! And the funny thing is that the counselor and I have talked about my family sitch, and she knows it's hww, but did. not. say. a. word. obviously. But she must have been like NO FREAKING WAY!

It never ends with this. Ha!

Xh has repeated over and over how much he has messed up this year, how many people he has hurt, and said that everything is his fault.

He is VERY worried about his job. Not only because they are going through making cuts right now, but, he is worried hww is going to bring the drama into work and make the risk of getting cut even greater. I just told him not to respond to her crazy. Let her burn her own bridges. Don't respond, especially on the clock. Let her be the one to do it.

Oh, and she is having a C-section. So the unknown, traveling due-date should be known ahead of time. Who knows when that is. He is so confused about that.

You can tell that so many things are so confusing to him. He cant remember a lot of things. Some things are very unclear, and he is not being disingenuous bout this, he really is trying to sort stuff out. He said he really just does not know what happened or how. That he was never happy with her, it was a disaster from the beginning. All about her- and never satisfied.

He also suggested that we go to counseling. This is new. He adamantly refused before. Now he suggested it. He said he new insurance does not cover it (mine does) but that he does not mind paying. He said we have a long tough road a head of us, but that he wants to do it and will do whatever he can.

Wow. This has been so crazy and so fast. I know I have to be very, very careful. I know. I get it. I feel confident enough to take this walk. Slowly, to see where it goes. I feel OK knowing what I want and vocalizing that. Fighting for that. But I will not settle, be taken advantage of again, be taken for granted.

Oh, that reminds me... one thing xh said (there were many poignant things... like he has really been doing work. He admitted this. He said he is much different. He acknowledges he still has a lot to do and want to put in the work, but that he is not only aware of his mistakes, but has made changes... and kept bringing up how he had so much anger)

OK, he said, "I would get angry when things would happen around the house. I felt like everyone took things for granted. I realized I took my family for granted. And I walked out on them."

Sooooooooo tired....... Good night!

One more thing... the other day we were talking and I said something about MLC stages 1 & 2, but did not refer to them as that. He said, how did you know that? I kind of laughed and said, do you remember when I was talking to you about MLC? (before I knew about db). He said yeah, and inquired a little more. I casually described replay. He was like a little school boy who wanted to learn as much as he could. He asked, genuinely, "So what's next?" I just laughed and said, well that's really up to you. But my guess is you will try to take good look at what happened and try to figure it all out. Probably you have learned a lot, so maybe you want to apply that to the next part of you life. Grow, become the person you want to be, and live a happy life.

He also said later that he does not want to blame it on anything, just step up and fix it, because it is his fault through his choice of actions.

Tonight he said that he has learned so much. He know what's important in life. It's not all about money or anything like that. He made several references to how he "sees" what is important. I can say, it was very genuine and sincere. I can see some real growth in him. Like the man I always knew he was without all the hurt and damage from his past. It was like he was able to filter it out of his system and leave the core person who he is. The good person. On a much more mature level. Ironically.... after all this...... Raise your hand if you are shocked by this.....
OK, raise your hand if you are happy to hear of such a mixed up, sad person work through some serious stuff and start a journey in which they intend to work through the rest. To become better. To become whole. To become happy.

Look, I know it is early on. But I also see commitment and determination in him to sort himself out. And we all need to start with ourselves!