I too have been a journaling junkie. I also relate to your sitch because my H relocated cross country so no contact/LRT is out of necessity. Some days are really tough and that is to be expected.
You are doing really well. I like your bucket list. Tea at the Ritz sounds fabulous!
So what color is that Happy Day dress?
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
My Happy Day Dress is 50's style; fitted top with handmade flowers of the same material along the plunging neckline, going into full skirt. It is black background with big floral flowers of blues and greens - think your grandmother's curtains ha ha. Its not what I would normally choose, but that's the whole point of this bucket list - doing/having things that aren't normal to me.
I just hope it still fits when my Happy Day arrives
Wow, Lou, I love your list. And you've already crossed two off? You're ahead of the game!
It sounds like you have many interests and talents. Dig a little here....what did you enjoy as a child? How can this translate into your life now? Sometimes bringing back some old passions and childhood interests can give a whole new energy to your life. I'd think about that, Lou.
the dress is on its way to the UK now - well insured; still can't believe I spent so much on a dress - but funnily enough I don't feel guilty in the slightest .... and this from a gal who used to feel guilty spending a couple $ on a 3pk of knickers .... terrible that i lived that way. I will let you all know when I decide its my Happy Day.
As for interests - childhood ones - yeah, now we are opening up a can of worms.
My M totally dominated my childhood - I did the clubs/activities she felt I should attend, had no friends and lived a very reclusive life.
At 13 she said to me " you're not clever and your not pretty; what [b]are[/b ]we going to do with you". That was pretty much how I saw myself after that.
At 16 she decided I should leave school - without telling me - so she found a job as a nanny/slave on the other side of the country and when I came home one day she told me I was leaving the next day as it was my only chance of becoming something. So off I went - lived and worked on a farm in the middle of nowhere for 2yrs.
Returned home at 18, met a guy who was staying at my parents b&b, M told me that I needed to sleep with him if I wanted to keep him - as really I have nothing else going for me -
So after a really bad experience with him, met another guy, lovely lovely guy, but not a keeper, which lead to meeting this young, hot, sexy fireman, completely took my breath away. We were both 19, moved in together after a week of dating, engaged 8 weeks later, married a couple days after his 21st.
My M was shocked I bagged such a great, loving, caring guy who worshipped me. She died 14yrs ago, but before she did, she apologised for all she did/said to me through my childhood. She told me that she never expects me to forgive her, but wanted to me know that it wasn't my fault, I did nothing wrong to warrant her behaviour towards me.
It took me years of being bitter, negative and angry with her before I just woke up one day (this year) and said "enough now". I wrote her a letter saying all the things I felt, then ended it by saying thank you to her for making me the person I am today - strong and resilient. I then burnt some toxic letters she had written, I kept the ashes and bought a bunch of her favourite flowers. H and I went to the beach (her ashes were scattered out at sea) I read the letter out loud, put the letter ash into the waves to be returned to her and then placed the flowers in the surf to be taken to her too.
And that was it - never looked back. I feel nothing but love for her now, I let go of all the negative and only see the positive.
So back to your question - childhood interests - didn't have any of my own so I really have no clue - according to my mum I was useless at everything .... BTW I do know that that is not the case.
This whole sitch with my h has ended up as a voyage of discovery for me - obviously I wish it was with H, but to be really honest here ... and I don't know how you will all react to this declaration ... but I don't think I would have been doing/thinking any of the things I am if we were still together.
H leaving me completely blew my world apart, he threw me off a cliff - I can either plummet to the ground or learn how to fly .... I am currently flapping like mad to try and stay away from the ground ...but one day, I will fly and enjoy the world I live in.
Just added another one on to the list - to ride on the back of a Harley. Never been on a bike in my life. My Travel list is now so long I need a lotto win to achieve it lol.
I hope with all my heart that h finds his way back to me, I love him so deeply, even after all the things he has done and is still doing. I can't imagine being with anyone else. We have been through so much over the years, to stumble now is really heartbreaking. I don't know what happened, where it all came from and why he left without wanting to try and fix us first - if this is MLC it explains everything.
I would love him to meet Lou 2.0 one day - who knows, he may fall in love all over again
Phew - chills, I don't really talk about my m and my childhood.
S20 rang tonight wanting to know about coming to see me, I told him my budget has changed and I really can’t afford to pay for his flights now. So off he went to H house to use the internet to check flights. Then rang me again saying that he really wants to come, so he will pay half.
Then he rang again to say he has looked at flights, they are expensive, but H has said he will pay on his airpoints card so they will be free– there is no way he could have enough points; if he has then his cc must be maxed out and even then it would be virtually impossible to have racked up that many points in 5 months – I think he would actually pay for the flights on his cc instead - what the heck is he playing at? This has nothing to do with him, it’s between me and S20.
I don’t want to feel like I owe him anything, I am afraid he will store this “nicety” and bring it back at a later date.
Maybe it’s a guilt thing as he has not been able to pay me my last instalment so I had to rethink my budget, which means not seeing S20 before I go – but why, I don’t get it, why does he want to help- it puts me on edge. He walked away from me and his responsibility to me, why does he care now.
Perhaps I am reading way too much into this and it’s genuinely a nice gesture – that he wants his S to see me before I go.
It put me in a spin. So I transferred all the money to S20 and told him to book the flights and tell his dad, thanks, but no thanks, we have sorted it. He said he is happier with that. Now I have had to juggle my budget –
I hate feeling like this - like I am on my guard, not sure what he is after all the time – when he really could be well meaning – I am confused and feeling a bit wound up. I hate this not trusting him or being able to be happy and accepting of a nice gesture.
I am also a bit peeved that S20 discussed this with H, it really has nothing to do with his dad what he and I are doing
I know I should have just paid for the flights in the first place and not said anything – but I have been fed up with trying to chase S20 for dates and after him playing games with H and I it just seemed easier to skype with him – he knows I am coming back at some point for a visit and we have spent far more time a part when he went travelling for a year.
Ahhhhhhh venting. Breathe. Its done now, I will just have to deal with whatever - if anything - H says about me saying no thanks to his offer.
Lou, Your h may have been feeling guilty about all of the mess he's created and felt the need to want to pay for your S20's flights. He wanted to come off looking like a good guy helping his son out.
I know it's difficult to try to figure out the why's of things when it comes to MIA spouses, but you can't. No one will ever know what actually goes through their heads on any given second.
Enjoy the time you spend w/your son and don't forget to breathe! Everything will work out in the end.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just said goodbye to S20, was really nice to spend time with him before I go. I managed not to ask about H and just smiled and changed subject when he mentioned him - just as part of a conversation, which is really silly as h is a part of his life, of course he is going to come up in a sentence occasionally. Just felt really emotional every time I heard what they have been doing together.
At the airport I spoke to him about Christmas Day arrangements for a skype call - S17 and I have arranged to talk on Christmas Day, which would mean - due to time difference - his christmas day night and my christmas day morning. So I asked S20 if he would still be with his D then. He replied - we can't do the evening as d is taking us all to a party starting at 2pm.
So I said "oh, ok, thats a shame, does s17 know this?"
S20 replied " I don't think d has told him yet. Plus me and g/f don't know if we are going, and if S17 doesn't want to go he can come and stay with me"
me - " Why wouldn't he want to go?"
S20 just looked at me .....then the penny dropped. OW and kids will also be going, one big Happy Family Christmas.
They will go, they won't like to say no and risk upsetting their dad.
So I sucked up emotions and feelings about it all, kept it inside until I waved S20 off on his plane, then burst into tears in the car on the way home.
I am so so sad, this is not how I saw my life going, my family being pulled apart. I have my family traditions, the little things we did every year, and this year MY boys will be spending Christmas Day with HER and her kids. One Big Happy Family UGH I actually feel sick at the thought of it. Guess what's going to be in my head all Christmas day.
To top it off S17 is going through a bad time - a combo of teens, all the changes in his life and me leaving I think - he is so moody, disrespectful and arrogant one minute and then all mushy and wants to hang out with me the next.
I went away for a few days last week to say goodbye to some g/friends and when I returned my house was a pig sty ...and smelt like one too - S had had a party which seemed to have run for 3 days ...they used everything in the kitchen and left it unwashed, piled up; the lounge was full of makeshift beds, the toilet was blocked up and S had been sleeping in my bed (if you smelt him you would know why I am so peeved at that). And to top it off, they have lost the keys to his mates car in my garden so I now have an abandoned car in my driveway and a week until I have to hand the house back to the rental agency.
He has never done anything like this before. He has had parties, but always cleared up before I got home. He just shrugged his shoulders and walked off when I told him to clear up - I did leave it for him and he eventually did clear up, but I had to sort the toilet out - lovely !!
I am trying so hard to remain calm with him but he is starting to really push my buttons - He took himself off for the whole time his brother was here as he "hates" him and I should know that by now ??!! Came in with a hangover this morning, threw the car keys at me, said he was going to bed and calling in sick for work - then when I came back from the airport he had gone - he just called to say he will be back tonight. ..... Leaving him too it, picking my battles and clearly this is not one of them.
Breathe. Feel better now for getting it out. I can see my journal entries for today will be turning into an epic saga of "woe is me" lol. I already preempted feeling like this so did not book anything in for the next 2 days so I can wallow and let it pass.
I hate this, I hate what he is doing to me, to my boys, to our family. I hope its all worth it for him, otherwise its just destruction of lives and a marriage for absolutely nothing.
Lou, I am very sorry to hear what's happening right now in your life. It's going to be a difficult holiday for you this year. As for your sons being a big happy family w/the ow there. I seriously doubt that. They'll be thinking of all of the holidays that were once shared w/their mom and dad. So, try not to fret too much about that...okay?
As for your son making a mess of your place...I would have been furious. Tell him that if he doesn't have that blasted car moved by Monday, that you will call a tow truck to hall it away and he or his friend will have to pay the bill.
Lou, please take care of yourself. You've got a lot of stress going on now. Get the bubble bath out and take a nice, relaxing bath to help soothe your nerves. You owe it to yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am dreading these holidays - to top it off I have just had an email from my b saying that they have invited a few more to spend the day with us - just when I was wanting to take a long walk and forget it this year.
Thanks Job for saying about the OW and them playing Happy Families - I know my boys will just put up with it all, but from past meetings she goes over the top being nice and although they have both said "mum, its so false" I just feel like I am missing out on what has always been a family holiday - My boys always made it home for the holidays no matter where they were.
I have done as much as I can to keep a little bit of me with them - Have done them each a stocking for C/mas Morn - they used to come in and open it with me and their d, I always reacted surprised at all their gifts from f/c, at 20&17 they think its hilarious I still act like F/C is real .... he is isn't he??!! .
And yesterday we had lasagne for dinner (our first year in NZ we could not decided what to have for christmas dinner as it was really odd having Christmas in the sunshine, so S17 -was 10yrs - came up with having lasagne, so we did and each year I make a lasagne as an extra) and we had crackers - it was lovely.
As for S17 - he just breezed in to get some togs as off to the beach, so I told him to tell his friend the car needs to be gone by Friday morning or I call a tow truck. Plus I want him home tomorrow to sort out his room and what he wants to keep from the house - plus find a place to store it. He agreed - said he feels better now S20 gone (wondering if its a jealously thing as he has had me to himself for 6 months and we have become very tight)
Got a massive headache now, have not had one for ages. Think the stress is starting to build - on the countdown now, busy week. Picking up my ticket on Tuesday - at the moment it doesn't seem real - and I suppose I held on to the hope he would stop me - but silence from him.
