Well packing is done, all ready for tomorrows pick up.
Found a box of his stuff so s is going to take it to him when he goes to stay for xmas. Also found his original wedding ring and dog tags in my jewellery box - decided to send them down too, they are his so he should decide what happens to them.
Was really sad yesterday, I had hoped that him opening communication would be the start of him telling me he does not want me to leave, but hey ho, not to be, back to silence. I know it was a silly hope, but the heart and head wrangle is still in full flow and I suppose the heart has been ruling for the last few days.
It all seems so surreal at the moment, I have moments of complete panic about what I am doing and where all this is heading, and then moments of "yeah, this is right for me, I need to do this, prove to myself i can do this". Take that brave pill and get on the plane.
Got email from FIL yesterday, they are driving me a bit nutty - they feel I am being melodramatic and should be over this by now, H is getting on with his life and moving on, so should I and this is just "one of those things". Also - they have been talking and have decided to come and meet me at the airport .....NO FREAKIN WAY ....
So wrote back saying - thank you for the kind offer to meet me at the airport, but i have already made other arrangements so on this occasion I am respectfully declining. - way too nice compared to what I actually want to say ....which is along the line of please leave me alone but in stronger language that a lady should not utter
Lou, Travel safely and tomorrow is a new day. It's going to be a whirlwind for you for a bit, but once you get there and are settled in, you'll be able to relax just a bit. I know this isn't what you thought you would be doing at this time in your life, but the man upstairs has a different plan for you and for all of the left behind spouses. We don't know what it is yet, but when he's ready, he'll reveal all to us.
BTW, I think you did the right thing in advising your FIL about the pick up at the airport You don't need to hear their version of what they think you should be doing.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well that's it, my belongings are on their way, no turning back now. 3 weeks today I am on the plane
Feeling a little sad, but ok. I know it is the best thing for me to do, just some time out from all of this -
I don't know where this is all going, I still would like it to be a happy ending for h and me, but I am focusing more on me and what I want now which is a leap forwards.
Maybe this is what we both needed - time out; we got together young, had kids young and never really experienced being individuals. I still hope that this is what it is for him and he will realize that what he is looking for is what was in front of him the whole time ........and hopefully not too late, as the damage is being done.
Hey Lou, Don't listen to the in-laws. How they can say that this is just "one of those things" is beyond me. I guess that they are trying to be "supportive" of their son. Who knows what he is telling them and saying you should just "get over it", I wonder what they would be saying if things were the other way around. I have the same thing from my W's fathers side of the family. In fact my FIL has pushed my W to get a D. Long story but he left his wife and kids when my W was only 10 years old and was never interested in even seeing his kids. Now he is being "supportive" of his daughter in HIS way, encouraging her to do the same thing he did all those years ago.
As for your S17, my D19 is doing what she needs to to get on with her life. She is working hard and saving for college but my W doesn't like what she is doing, thinks she knows better how D19 should live her life. I think that this is typical of MLCers. Heck, he may be jealous of him, may not want to have the responsibility of being the parent in NZ and would rather he not have to worry about him as he has plans on "living his new life". Remember, for H it's all about HIM and only him. I think that you are doing great by supporting your S's decision on how he wants his life to be. He knows he can count on you if he needs you, of that you can be certain.
My ILs have always been pushy, give them an inch .... If they continue I will just shut them down completely. I am just trying to stay diplomatic ....just in case ... awkward lol.
I am trying so hard to sit on the fence with all our friends and family as you never know what the future holds and if it does include reconciliation then I don't want to be having to mend bridges myself !! I have already lost a friend as she went into " trash h" mode and I won't tolerate that.
Well done to your D, she sounds like she is a very sensible young lady - proud dad :o) I think you are right about H, he most likely is not happy about having to have responsibility for s, he is wrapped up in his new life at the moment, plus my friends have pointed out that if I go alone he will have no spies in the camp - no one to tell him what I am doing, where I am going, who I'm with etc ..... I am not interested in dating, can't even imagine that ever happening - d can't happen until we have been sep for 2yrs here, so I want to keep my commitment to stay faithful even if he doesn't -
He told me a while ago that he has no interest in what I do, but if that changes he could always F/B stalk me lol - I will have to make it interesting for him then he he.
All seems like a big game sometimes. Roll the dice and hope for a ladder and not a snake !
I cannot imagine why people have to trot out that fatuous expression 'These things happen'
Would they say it in the following circumstances?
My husband just got run over and died from his injuries
My house just got burned down and I lost all my possessions
Honestly I do not think so. It sounds like 1) it was no-one's responsibility and 2) we just need to accept it.
The break up of a marriage or long relationship is very very hard, and in many cases un-necessary, rarely are people happier, unless there were long term and persistent issues of incompatibility. The MLC whim, while it seems compelling to the drama queen at its centre, is pretty destructive.
I remember a very wise guy I know talking about when his father left his mother for another woman. He said that he started to count the number of people who had been adversely affected by this decision and that then he got to 50 he stopped counting.
Did the new relationship last? no, were any of the parties happier? No . . . . but of course 'these things happen'
I think the waste and stupidity of MLC makes me crosser, as I get further away from it - Not angry, just annoyed by the destruction. It is like mindless vandalism. It takes time to build and no time at all to torch it.
My xh husband (still deep in MLC 9 years on) has admitted that he had no idea of the hurt and pain it would cause everyone. And no, he still isn't happy, poor guy. But others come through it - Look at Mighty's husband. Some wake up and try to put things right, Always worth hanging in there, but as Job says 'Do not put your own life on hold'
You are so right; people can be so insensitive sometimes. My friend has not been through this so she is basing her opinion on how she thinks she would react to her h doing the same thing. But I told her - how can you possibly know how you will react; we think one thing and generally do the opposite ... as I am finding out!
As for ILs - got another one from FIL today - respecting my request for space - whoop whoop. Also interestingly he has asked where the money has gone from his account that he has over here .. I don't have access to it, but I know a person that does ... oh deary me ....I am told the MLC journey is a slippery slope and my h seems to be on it.
I hate being put in this position, all I seem to be doing with them is referring them back to their s for answers - and of course he is in his shiney new me me me world and really has no interest in them,so he fobs them off giving them no proper answers to anything, so then they come back to me seeking them and so the circle continues ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Still sitting on the fence - breath 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Ah, you know, the ILs are in an awkward place. I know because my ex SIL used to call me after my brother dumped her in a MLC (she was actually his third wife, he didn't have a good track record). Frankly, he'd been treating her rudely for years and I kinda thought she was better off without him - your in-laws may feel the same.
As for your H stealing money from their account - all you can do is say you had no access, and you've discovered that he spent all your joint money too. Lob the ball back into his court.
BTW - do you think he could have a gambling or drug problem to account for the poor money management history? It's one thing to make poor decisions about saving with your joint money, but quite another thing to be spending his father's money that he has no right to.
My IL don't know what is really going on with him, H emailed them to tell them that we have separated; that it was a joint decision and we are remaining as friendly as possible. Since then I have let them know that it was H that left me, but have given no details and FIL has requested I don't, as they don't want to be put in an awkward position - so funny, what position do they think I'm in !!
I don't think they would understand what is going on at all - and it would be "in my opinion" as he would deny all of this - he was unhappy, so he left, now he's happy, how is that a MLC .... I will come out looking like the bitter ex w, so I choose to say nothing.
As for money - I know what all our joint money has gone on - no drugs or gambling involved. The money he has "borrowed" from his F account has been used to fund his new lifestyle - fun fun fun, and his new g/f and her kids. He is out all the time, going places and doing things - and his income does not cover it. I am due my last installment next week - I am told he already has a bank loan, so he will be having to extend it to pay me - I am under the impression he is getting more than he needs, pay back his Father (I think he was hoping it would be done before F found it missing - oops) and consolidate. All that means is he has freed up the cards to start again !! Like I said, slippery slope.
Its hard to watch this happen - Now I can see more clearly. I just want to take control of it all before he ends up in a complete mess - both with his family and finances. Its heartbreaking to see him destroying his and other's lives. But I know I have to just stand back and allow him to carry on.
Its was his choice to take this route - I can't keep using the "mentally unstable" excuse forever. I cannot and will not allow him to drag me along with him.
I hate seeing him like this; its really not him (money stuff aside) he really was such a loving, kind,trustworthy, supportive guy, I adored (still do really) him, he was my rock and we went through so much together over the years - to stumble now, after all this time, it breaks me. It really is like something has taken over him; occasionally he lets me in and I get glimpses of the old him, but he is now someone I hardly recognise - opinionated, arrogant, selfish, secretive.
