Busting this Divorce - Standing Firm

[HPoirot]

W left without telling me this morning while I was ice cold showering. Took the car. Told S11 she was going shopping or to the grocery.

Even before that, though.... I don't like her this morning. I don't like how I'm acting friendly towards all this.

I'm back now to exposing everything to her family and friends, my family, and OM's family and job. She's still giving off the good wife picture to everyone. Talking about me on the phone with her friends like nothing is wrong. Posting the picture of me, her, and boy that I had taken on her FB page like we're a family. Expecting me to work with her to get things back to normal. To help her life and her stress while she chooses to not change... not do better... and sleep on the couch.

How can exposure not be the right thing to do to defend my family? I should have done it on the first day when she cried no don't do it... OM has a reputation. Like his life is more important than ours. Like I just have to suck it up for them b/c I wasn't a good H. She cries she's so afraid of being judged. Why am I not letting her be judged? I let this thing happen and grow being quiet all these weeks.

Doesn't she have to start living with her choices? It's worse than simply moving herself to the couch.

What I'm I doing going through another day of this?

[wmwb123]

Exposure can be very effective. It doesn't seem to have worked for me, but I've seen it work for others. If you're going to do it, now's the time.

[lost18]

Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? We all know what she is doing is wrong, she does too. You have been working really hard toward being a better man, you have to ask yourself if doing that is working toward your goal.

Doesn't she have to start living with her choices?

She is living with her choices, is it your job to be the judge and jury? The truth always has a way of coming out, you don't need to be the "bad guy" in order for that to happen. Just don't have a time frame for that. You know what they say about karma.

If you decide to continue fighting for your M and you work things out, exposing what is going on can have a negative impact for you.

What I'm I doing going through another day of this?

I feel your pain, I've been asking myself this question quite often lately.

Hang in there!

[u-turn]

HP
I've wrestled so much with exposure too. I've thought about exposing to OMW (and potentially ruin her family). I've thought about exposing to W's work. I've thought about covertly exposing there too (I think of this often though it is cowardly).

I'm sure - in my case it MAY have ended the A, but certainly ended our M/R. I know this is a double standard that I am holding myself to and maybe it is just prolonging the limbo.

Any of these would not make me feel better about myself. Airing our dirty laundry to others has never appealed to me and likely I would feel foolish and even more humiliated than I already do.

Maybe I'm too passive and this is what I get. But just as I work get wound up and think I'm going to go through with it, I talk myself down with thoughts of moral high ground and working toward my goals - blah blah.

It is painful to go through this every day (I have so much to be thankful for, but sorry 2014 was sh!t)

Keep up the positive fight

[HPoirot]

It's just that I feel I have a good little family... I really great chance for real happiness as now we're both forced to reach for it. I know W says she has no faith it can happen here with me now... but then she says she's scared of making a mistake. I don't want to feel... or ever want her to think... I was just sitting by drinking rum while OM tried to take her from our family.

I have no evidence W has spoken to or seen OM since late Oct except her saying she was still talking to him last week and then saying again she would stop. If I want, I can find out more on her computer. I will check soon... try not immediately read any emails I find... just forward them to myself for evidence later.

I hate to do this. I want to, like 25 says, let her go through her journey peacefully and just be someone she wants to come back to. I was not that before and I do feel this is my best chance for me to reach the full and happy life I want.

But she has said she knows she is hurting me with this contact... says the contact is innocent.... says it doesn't feel good to hurt me... hopes we can be friends no matter what happens... says she wants things to get back to normal while she's figuring herself out... talks to me this morning like all's good in the world... and I'm just supposed to be kind and supportive while she hides her phone records and sleeps on the couch.

I know I'm stuck on this today. I am ready to send the emails to the OMs work and wife if I find worse recent evidence.

...

Today, when W got back from shopping (she did mention going last night and she did return with a bag from the store), we had a nice, like normal conversation about holiday shopping. Later, W left to go with her friend to a concert in DC tonight. She says she will spend the night at her friends house.

I know it shouldn't matter what she says she's going to me or S11. I still find this very hard especially as she's away overnight. I did not ask about where she was going or staying... she volunteered the information earlier. Told me about her friend and the nice car she has that they would be driving in. She did offer to text me when she got where ever she's going. I said ok thanks. She asked if I could be ready to take S11 to his tennis class tomorrow morning in case she was late. I said I had not expected too. I expected her to be back in time like she said. She said she would be back in time. I did show a little tension there. Controlling.

Otherwise... I let her go without getting off the couch, watching to see who picked her up, or asking any questions. I was not completely acting like I didn't care she was leaving. I'm still showing some tension/suspicion instead of trust. I wonder if showing trust would be good. She mentioned before the horrible experience she had breaking away from a jealous boyfriend (the love of her life then). Now, here I am acting like less that a friend. I now the best way to DB is to act like an fun attractive man with interesting things to do today. I didn't achieve that when she left.

Where ever she is now... she did text me to give S11 some Mortrin later. I responded a couple minutes later "ok will do." She replies "Thanks! Have a great day with S11." Then, later, she texts me a news item she knows I would be interested in. We share a couple nice texts about it. She also sends me an article about travel deals today. She did some research yesterday about places we could take a family vacation next spring break.

I'm still pulling way back. But, like Wonka, 25, and others have said... she still shows openings where we can talk. She still shows she thinks of me despite all this terribleness... just not as a respected husband (according to her actions). So, like I've been told before... I just be that man who would make a wonderful respected husband. Leave her to her search for fun and experiences while I become someone who offers fun and experiences. What would happen if I showed her trust (after she said I can't trust her)?

I just wrote all that and it sounds like I'm a nice guy enabling his wife to blow up the M. I'm struggling with that today.

[sandi2]

You are struggling b/c today you are not in a good mood. You are a very up & down kind of guy, and making decisions when you are in one of these down/angry moods could be dangerous. It is not sadness you express. It is pure anger! How dare her cheat on you and get by with it. She should be punished. OM should be punished. If you can't have a happy family, why should anyone else? Right?

I have not said much about your own A. But this is the most hypocritical thing I have seen! If you expose her, you better be ready to expose yourself. You need to expose your OW to her H and her children.......and her workplace, etc. Are you ready to do that?

And about exposing to the workplace? If you want to make yourself look foolish.....go ahead. The only reason to even bring the employer into it would be if they were actually scr@wing around at the place of business, or if the company was paying for their trips, rooms, dinners, etc. Othewise, who cares what their employees do in their private lives? (Sad, but it is rare to see disciplinary action taken on the grounds of adultery. Even the divorce courts don't care.)

Perhaps it has worked in a few cases. It would not have worked to save my M if my H had exposed me. It would have been the shove that sent me from my home, family, and town. I would have made some seriously bad decisions out of the exposure.

There are a few exceptions where I feel exposure would be merited, but I would not consider your stitch to be one of them. It won't save your M.

The only time you need to act on your decisions is the days you are feeling really good, like yesterday. Certainly not the days your anger is leading your thoughts.

[HPoirot]

I am angry today. Angry and afraid. She's angry with me... says she's been angry and resentful of me for years. So I don't understand then when she's nice. When she calls me honey. What she's thinking. What she wants. Why it's no problem now for me to suffer while she says she wants my kindness and understanding. I'm not in control of this at all. I don't like that. Today I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing. And all through this process... you can never be sure of that... right?

[Wonka]

HP,

Okay....listen up. Thanksgiving and holidays are fraught with emotions and the like that stirs up emotions for both WAS and LBS. Mind you, your W is not playing you with those nice gestures. It is being done in the spirit of Thanksgiving and creating a positive memory for your S11. Be adults about this. Be thankful that W is being fairly reasonable about all of this.

Exposure, to me, is taking a sorched earth approach that will just leave bad feelings for everyone involved and will definitely make things harder to keep the road back home paved smooth for the WAS to travel on. Yes, there's been debate about the merits and non-merits of exposure. I am for unconditional love, not shaming and guilting the other person into submission.

To me, exposure is a form of control that you cannot give your spouse some allowances in respecting your boundaries and thinking over their choices. Good gosh...your spouse isn't a 5-year old who cannot make decisions on her own. This is why I like the DB approach so much for it shows love, respect and honors the spouse as a person with thoughts, feelings, aspirations, and dreams whose love you is buried beneath years and years of muck that's called 'resentment.'

It took a while for this M to get to where it is now...one big mess and it will take sometime for the ship to turn around. You've only been at this ONE MONTH and you're all hot & bothered to go into exposure method RIGHT NOW because you're angry and in pain.

Never, NEVER act on your emotions. They lead you on the wrong path every single time. Be calm, cool, and collected. That along with a swagger will get you much further than some hot-headed reaction.

So I don't understand then when she's nice. When she calls me honey. What she's thinking. What she wants. Why it's no problem now for me to suffer while she says she wants my kindness and understanding.

You seem to forget that W is suffering too as evidenced by her emails and convos with you (not to mention her crying as well). Right now, you're angry and having one heckva pity party. Look...she wouldn't call you "honey" if she didn't feel any semblence of love for you. She's said that she DOES loves you. She's not doing this just to make you suffer.

That is why we recognize this as the push-pull dynamic. The WAS get closer to you momentarily and then when they realize how "close" they got to you..they PULL waaaay back as not to give you any false hope of recconciliation becausee they "feel" a bit disloyal to the OW/OM. Tbhis is the foggy brain that's impacting their actions.

Believe only half of what they say.

Keep going. Get back to your game plan.

DO.NOT.EVEN.THINK.ABOUT.EXPOSURE.

[GoatGal]

Holy Cow.

HP!!!

I am gone for a not even a week and I find you right at the edge of the cliff where I attempted to save you from your bad self not very long ago!

Do yourself a favor.
Go back and read your older thread to save us all the trouble from having to repost all the good advice we gave you the first time around.

You are REACTING from your EMOTIONS, not RESPONDING from your INTELLECT.

Use your brain, and leave the emotional melt-downs to the five year olds.
We have chatted enough that I am convinced of your ability to be so much better than that. Sure. You're hurt and pissed. That's the way this whole thing goes.

Be the better man and suck it up until you can think with a clearer head. You'll be glad you did.
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Is this a 2 x 4? You betcha!

I hate repeating myself.

But here it is. Exposing the A and the OM and all that might feel really good in the moment, and it may well bust the A wide open.

However, if you want to save your marriage, you need to think this scenario through a bit more. How would YOU feel towards someone who did that to YOU?
Would you feel all warm and fuzzy? I doubt it.

I'm not saying that exposure doesn't have its place. I think it does.
BUT. (And this is a BIG BUT(T)! It must be done in a very controlled manner, with full acceptance of the consequences. Not to mention the real reason why you'd be doing it.

Your W has shown some movement towards you. It's natural to expect more and get frustrated.

Don't allow this frustration to derail all the work you've done.

If you expose, you will NOT be the cool, collected, all-together guy that she'd be a fool to leave. You'll be a hurt, vindictive, aggressive guy who didn't believe in his own qualities enough to chill out and let her come to you.

It will, in effect, make you look WEAK. That you had to play your hand.
Don't do this unless your eyes are wide open, because it might very well just blow up in your face.

The embarrassment, shame, and anger that will come your way will be hard to sweep under the rug later on.

Just saying'......


---(G)GGG

[wmwb123]

When I exposed my wife's affair, it was precisely because I thought it through and decided I would want her to do it for me. Affairs are addictions, and it's very hard to stop of your own volition.