Plain vanilla #2

[Vanilla]

Thank you all for your words and thoughts yesterday.

Yesterday was a good day on the whole and today has been a hard working day.

Today something shifted with regards to my work and although recently I have been working the hours, this hasn't been effective for me. Today was like the pre bd day I shifted work, and I concentrated.

GAanon at the old location tonight, plus I am out dancing tomorrow with bff. Saturday afternoon I have a rotary commitment and a lovely young lass from Tuesday wants a sponsor session on Sunday. I suggested the sauna at my local health spa, will be good I think to concentrate on someone else's issues for an afternoon. It is my first neophyte so I hope that the session goes well.

GAL all the way.

I love it, all that GAL!

H was very nonchalant today and almost breezy. That means trouble, somewhere down the line. The last two days have been quiet on the spew front so I sense thunder will roar. H will need to let the aggression out. Maybe he had a win that makes him happy but of course it doesn't last long : as regression to the mean indicates that the gamblers fallacy bites hard in the loss phase. There will be rumblings eventually especially if the liquor control pilot is out of kilter.

Still, all still is good.

Some issues to address tomorrow re the house sale, as its going nowhere and ideally I would like to sell and pay H off. I would love a dark period and to go LRT sometimes as being S and living with a human volcano is rather limiting even if I am detached.

I ordered a book by Dr Dobson, it's at least as old as I am and there are some good and some very far fetched ideas in it. For example when it's permissible to D which includes infidelity of the other, M to a heathen, physical abuse. Apparently gayness can be cured too! Get the pastor to give the A a good telling off. But the tough love bit was I suppose quite interesting and innovative in its day, especially relating to alcohol and wife beating. Dr Dobson clearly recommends that female spouses are stronger and state their boundaries although he does not use that term.

The book cost me 65p plus postage and came all the way from the U.S.

Dobson had a radio show too, so historically that might be interesting to trace. I love examining the historical perspective of these theories as this is useful for my twelve steps too. None of this is in any way as advanced as DB of course and some of the thinking can be a little dogmatically expressed. I note that there are references to Dobson letters so I was curious as to the origin of this.
Ruminating
Vanilla

[Vanilla]

Nothing much to report. Stayed quietly working away.

Black Friday, I bought a couple of Xmas sparkly jumpers, which of course I shall start to wear tomorrow.

Stayed with my bff tonight. Did not see H all day as he played golf and was gone when I left. Told me he 'wants a few beers', so I am definitely staying out of the way. No negative interactions. H is at his brothers tomorrow after playing golf so it's safe at home. Can't trigger any negative interactions, after that the friend strategy will work until next Friday. H wanted us to have dinner together on Sunday but I wriggled out of it, as usually that means some spew and criticism headed my way. Frankly enforcing boundaries is best left to my strong days as it is so draining.

Busy day tomorrow, gym, lunch with a friend and then rotary commitment. I can have my lounge to myself if H is at his brothers. I will be able to watch some films, and sit in my dressing gown. Looking forward to having the house peaceful and to myself.

Gym, and then I have an assessment. Tooth still aches but antibs have done their job.

Some really inspirational stuff on the threads today. Rzr had a big breakthrough and Dawn was dignified and thoroughly DB. This is so encouraging.
I believe after 2 months it's time to evaluate again. How am I doing?
A thoughtful phase
Vanilla

[Vanilla]

I went through a long period earlier this year of being physically sick every morning as a result of anxiety. This morning I awoke with those feelings and whilst I wasn't ill felt very anxious.

The anxiety is about financial overwhelm and how I will cope. The vast work backlog that has developed whilst I flail about my M and H.

I am not functioning as I should, my self esteem is shot. I question every small action and I am introspective.

It is very hard and unsettling not to want to be in the house. I don't have a home anymore. Just a house in which I feel verbally abused. It is much calmer over recent months as a result of my hard work at DB. I feel calmer and more in control. I am more detached from the behaviours which give me distress, and when they occur I close them down by my reactions. That does not stop the pointed words from H.

The verbal abuse is now public knowledge, my family and friends are advising me to set myself free of H. H is no longer welcome to private family functions because of the alcohol consumption and obvious abuse and nastiness. Although I am reacting in a way that closes this down quickly , it isn't stopping it starting. Always this is started by H as a result of one of my 'faults' as he sees it. H feels justified in this, privately later and without alcohol I tackle H about the boundary breach.

At least two of my staff have said H presence in the office is disruptive, and his behaviour has improved of late, he is more polite and less likely to fly off the handle. He has his own office, despite not being in it for much of the week. This makes discussions easier and in general his behaviour is better.

I have been closing down conversations about H with family and friends, per DB principles. Restricting myself to this board, my IC and gamanon. I don't know if that is for the best.

A text from H
You are not around until Tuesday morning and you spend most of your time away.
I don't do alone.

I have not responded.
Vanilla

[Ggrass]

Yeah, I hear crickets! Lol

The whole sick throwing up anxiety was me for weeks. Well ok would you believe months.

I got a couple of hick omg hick lurch of stomach type from no where today. But I now breathe breathe and it say to my self, by the time I breathe three times it gone. It is.

[Dawn70]

Yee haw for you and your GAL. It sounds like you are a GAL pro! Good for you for not responding to BF's "I don't do alone" text. Sounds like you are having a fine holiday week. Thanks for the continued support. I appreciate all your words and thoughts.

[Vanilla]

Dawn , gg this is tough ride thank you for your support

Broke down in the supermarket today. I had to abandon my trolley and visit the ladies, tears running down my face.

Now that the boundaries are being put in place and I am no longer holding back what I need to say, then the memories that I have been denying are flooding back.

I am beginning to come to terms with the extent of the verbal abuse to which I have been the subject.
P
I hadn't visited this particular branch of the supermarket chain for a long time but today it was the easiest one to visit as I was passing. Standing in front of the juice counter, I was suddenly flooded with emotion.

The conversation I had playing in my head: broadly like this:
H: did you get juice? I needed some and I wanted it this morning but there wasn't any.
Me: yes
H: I need to see what you got
Taking juice from fridge
H: when I said juice I did not mean this muck
Watch my lips, the juice I like begins with A, the letter A get it A p p l e spells this twice
You are useless at shopping, you ignore all my wants blah blah spew

This was 5 months ago and the juice was from that supermarket and I didn't do anything about the abuse for which I feel horrified. I feel I let this happen inch by inch.

In fact this was daily fare, the wrong toothpaste, margarine etc

Funnily enough am putting this batch of juice away in the fridge and h bought the last batch of juice. The juice in the fridge he bought is orange juice, standing side by side with the juice I just bought which begins with A.

I don't understand why I still love this man. I am afraid of what else I will remember now the floodgates and barriers of denial are broken and what that will release in me.

Frankly I am confused, how can I not have seen this and put the boundaries in place before it got this far.

I am a bunch of crumple zones.

At least I have my house to myself tonight.

I am cooking fish!
Vanilla

[Dawn70]

((((((Hugs)))))

[Wonka]

Honey,

I do hope you will seek out your own IC to process those emotions and memories. Your H isn't Prince William for sure. For your own sake, you deserve some attention from a professional who can help you navigate through those emotions and rediscover your own self-respect.

[Vanilla]

Thank you Dawn

Wonka for listening, I wanted that memory written down. I am going to print it off and shred it.

I am seeing an IC. One specialising in compulsive behaviour as there are dynamics which ordinary IC can't or won't understand and unlike the last IC I saw isn't telling me to leave my M. She did warn me that I may release as I begin to look after myself again. She also told me that denial is the first stage and that this is like a grief process and I may get angry. That is why I concentrate so much on mastering detachment and GAL I don't want angry, I want results.

Vanilla

[Vanilla]

Today was a much better day.

I enjoyed my gym this morning.

Had a very good session with a GAanon member today who wanted her first sponsor meeting. A delightful insightful soul who is struggling on her road with a complex compulsive, whose head is up his arse.

I am sitting in the sauna with an open wood burning fire and delicious relaxing tinkle music. Just had a scrummy pasta with green pesto and sun dried vine tomatoes. A glass of blush wine and a fluffy cappucino. Feeling mellow and reflecting on the forthcoming week. H has just ceased his membership of this facility so I will no longer run into him here. That is a relief and I will keep on with my resolve to exercise and get fit. I am lucky I do not suffer with the usual ailments for my age group.

It is chilly but not cold, bracing enough to stimulate the nerves but not turn the skin a blue tone. I may go to the outside float pool and jacuzzi. Even my teeth don't hurt.

I feel relaxed and tired, in this mode I can continue to drift with thoughts of my work. Xmas is coming and I am making a plan. I love a plan it helps me focus and move towards my goals. This week has been very emotional for me, H has like all compulsives behaved compulsively!

I see my IC tomorrow. First thing so I am completing my assignment log. From tomorrow I move to business focus goals. Although this is incomplete as yet, I am more energised. I do not want to have my moods and reactions governed by a compulsive nor by my own unresolved issues.

Peace tonight
Vanilla