Reading what you went through made my heart break, but my first thought was, yes, no wonder she is so strong and amazing.
I know you were before, as your xh is now acknowledging it, but I think it has made you even better. It is terrible for you to have to endure this, especially with everything else, but you are truly amazing.
Seriously. I have endless amounts of respect for you.
Times like this, after reading something like what you have been through in the past ... and now what you are going through currently I often think to myself.... Why must good people be put through such things? What is the point, why the lesson, I just do not understand it but what I do realize is it seems the people who go through these things are taught how much stronger they really are, more than they ever would have imagined. Look back at your story Shinning ... you survived THAT, what you are dealing with now you too will overcome and be stronger for it. Maybe thats the whole point of this ... to strengthen us for the future
Thank you for the support. I sure needed it. Uffda.
This week has been weird. I feel a shift. I don't know what it is. Things are different. Not bad, just different. I'm being still.
I cried a bunch.
Laughed with my kids.
Went to my first "real" wine tasting with a new friend and had a terrific time.
Scheduled a brunch for Sunday with another great friend.
Another S18 moves out of state in one week.
S16 got his first gf.
D13 is learning how to DB away from the drama of her middle school friends.
Xh fiancé (very insecure, poor thing) thinks xh wants to get back together with me. They are now fighting almost daily. She says she is threatened by the bond we have of the kids. I don't know what xh has said to her. If she only knew my head and my heart. She would not worry.
MLC H is still reaching out to me quite often. I sense he is merely testing the waters, and wondering whether I have moved on. Nothing of any real value. He has been more positive and complimentary lately. Then it's sometimes followed with a resentment kind of thing. Like, "hmmm.... You never did that when we were together." That.
He told me his Thanksgiving plans. His dad and SM will be at her kids' on Thanksgiving, so their side of the family dinner will be Sunday. He asked what the kids and I are doing Thursday. He wanted to know if I had plans in the evening, and would I like to "stop by" sometime, maybe after the football game. I said I would see how our day goes, and yes, I would like to.
I will probably have many of you here telling me I should have said no. I know. I don't want to say no. I want to go. I want to see him.
Here's the thing: I truly don't expect my M to reconcile. I don't expect H to wake up anytime soon. I fully accept that this mess will most likely end in D.
However, I'm in a good place with myself, my job, my kids, my life. Every interaction H and I have had recently has been short, and positive.
I would like to keep things in limbo for now. I need to buy time, financially. If he D me, I will struggle with health benefits and other stuff I would rather not...at least until I establish myself in my new job, and hopefully increase my salary. Since I don't depend on H for child support, I am financially better off waiting it out for now. I hope that doesn't sound cold.... I am better able to care for myself and my kids this way. I am doing what I feel I need to do.
In other news.....I'm being pursued and somewhat stalked on fb messenger by an old HS acquaintance ... It will go nowhere. I mean, who does that???? I'm not interested. And he knows this. He does not live in my state, anyway. That didn't stop him from promising me a huge house designed by him, new car, boat, and the moon.....it doesn't make any sense. Desperate? Delusional? Newly D is all I know....
For the record, I would live in a tent, or a refrigerator box, if it were with a loving, fully integrated man that I love.
Oh! And....I'm pretty sure this character is in his own MLC right now!! Wtf? Gross.
Take the new car!!! I'm kidding. You sound great, Shining. You ultimately have to do what you think is best and the chips fall where they may.
I just did the roger rabbit AND a moonwalk in your honor. :-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Haha, GB. Take the car??? ..I KNOW, RIGHT?? It's crazy. I feel cursed. I've become an MLC magnet.
Soooo..... I just got home from what turned out to be a short coffee date with H.
Same-ol same-ol.
Although, this time, nothing was terribly crazy. I was nervous because our meetings typically involve money or mail exchange. I was sure there was a selfish reason H wanted to meet with me. Yeah. Of course.
At first, he said wanted to spend the evening with me. Well, as the time came closer....you probably guessed.... He became less interested in seeing me, and he kept coming up with reasons it had to be kept short. It went from all day (which I couldn't do) to evening, to a late dinner, then just coffee. AND he had to leave early because he was "taking care of someone's dogs". Yeah.... I offered him an "out" and said I'm fine rescheduling. Surprisingly, didn't take that offer.
Mindreading Alert:
Best guess? A few days ago, H thought about the evening and was not wanting to be alone on TG. And then after setting things up with me, he got a better offer. Well, not better, but you know....to his crazy a$$.
The visit was rather uneventful for the most part. Odd...
He is having a lot of medical issues. He seems scared. I say this because he is frustrated with docs,mtreatments, ailments...the communication is bad, they're having him do unnecessary tests, extra visits "just so they get that copay"... Yada yada...
He just can't seem to find relief. His skin, his vision, his muscles, his back. This medication, that ointment, those drops...You would think he was an old man.
He told me about a conversation with one of the nurses who "didn't call him back with his test results". He said he was frustrated that he had to call them because he is suffering. He feels worse than he ever has. I wanted to fix...because that's who I am. But I didn't. I can't. All I could do was listen.
He hasn't made any progress, still deep in the tunnel. I didn't expect anything different.
I am different this time. I was prepared for crazy. I talked myself into accepting the situation, as it is. Accepting this visit, this moment, for exactly as it presents tonight. Accepting H for who he is today. Zero expectations.
That worked well.
I feel more detached tonight. I'm a little numb, with everything going on with holidays and oldest sons being out of the nest. My emotions are just floating.
I have been thinking a lot about moving on. I'm not ready. I'm no where near date-able. I could see myself getting there, though, if I choose.
I'm going to fight the store-madness tomorrow morning, just to get out. I made plans with D13 and friends and their moms Saturday night, girl party. Sunday I have brunch with a good friend. And my SIL wants to catch up, too. Keeping busy.
I'm just so tired. And I miss being M. I miss having a partner to snuggle and talk to.
And I miss the friggin trust. A$$hat.
I still want that partner thing again someday. One day at a time. Focus is still on me.
Things are chill........ Status quo isn't always a bad thing.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO EVERYONE ON THIS WONDERFUL BOARD!!! I'm so thankful for you all.
Hey, I say if you want to go to football, do t let anything stop ya! You do you. And don't feel badly about it. Nobody here is walking in your shoes and knows everything about your sitch. But everyone here wants the best for shining. So if shining wants to go and feels confident and comfortable. Then we support it. Uh, well, I guess I shouldn't type for others . I do, but everyone e wants you to be happy. That's it! Because you deserve it. You deserve the best. And a car on the side.
Wow Shining .. handled as well as one could in my opinion. Reading and thinking aloud .. the "fix-it" issue ... it just hit me, I wonder if we do this more for us than it ever was for them ya know? I realized today I could have so easily helped her ... and I caught myself and it felt so strange, like an out of body experience .. almost laughed and THAT would have been the worst emotion to show at such an awkward time ... waling to the car I chuckled to myself that the MLC crazy could be contagious at times .. me laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. The MLCrs all distraught they are alone .. conveniently forgetting it was their choice.
Anyways, you are so strong, you have this ... happy to see you grow.
Thank you, Cali and Mighty. I'm trying very hard to move forward. Tough chit, this is.
I came across this snippet about letting go the other day. It didn't list the author, however.
Letting Go
To let go isn't to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn't winning, and it isn't losing. It's not about pride, and it's not about how you appear, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It's not giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not defeat. To let go is to cherish memories, and overcome and move on. It's having an open mind and confidence in the future. Letting go is accepting. It's learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will have soon again. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It's realizing that sometimes the heart can be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path, and to set you free.
I'm having many internal "chats" with myself. Remembering that during this holiday season, all the changes in my household with my sons growing up and moving out.... That it's all ok. It is all, truly, ok.
I'm trying to let go of the life I wanted and expected, and embrace the life I have today. It is all any of us really have.
I was talking to the kids today. My oldest was talking about his father (xh) and the changes and realizations in him. The fact that he said the best thing we could do was move out of state. Xh also gave a ton of credit to H for being a great dad to them.
So my son said it's possible that H was only put into our lives for the years we had, to get where we all are today.
I agreed. Very possible.
Then D13 asked if I had known that everything would happen the way it did, would I have still done everything the same way?
Ayep. Without a doubt.
^^^^^^^ That's how they taught me, and reminded me what I am grateful for today.
