Last night I drop S off, W sends him to the car for something and seems like she is waiting for me to speak, I smiled and told her to have a good night. She then kinda snapped, asked if I was not talking to her .. I told her .. "Umm .. I wished you a good night" Then she spews into when we are doing the bills, I had agreed to Late Sat, she asked "Sunday?" ... works better for me actually so I said yes Sunday would be fine .. then she started in on me having all my docs ready. Thing is ... I do not really need anything, I know where my $$ is going .. I also know I give her much more than I would have to if we D. This conversation will get ugly as she is not going to get her way .... I have hit a point in my life where I am done being nice, the door mat, the fixer ... year in a way I am angry .. but this is not taking it out on her, this is standing up for myself ... I did not ask for this ... why am I the one to suffer .... I allowed myself to suffer because I felt I failed .. failed her, my marriage, my S .. family all of it ... Well .. I did'nt. I am still standing for what I believe is right as she is allowed to be selfish. ... ok ok .. end rant.
Me detaching seems to upset her ... I thought about this last night after, she needs to know I am there, the safety blanket, the backup ... she snaps her fingers and I come running .. who can respect that? Outside looking in .. I would smack the crap out of myself as a friend ... so THANK you for your 2 x 4's. In my head I had to slam the door on her and make it hurt, but thats not what this is about .. its protecting myself, becoming strong, the man I desire to be ... I am not there yet .. but I have made progress, more work to do .. but every day is a chance to get out there and work closer to the goal.
Last night I get to the club where I DJ early .. was looking forward to just chatting with my buddy who bartends... well they booked an early band, and the Mngr was the only one working .. she asked for help so I get behind the bar and start stocking, doing dishes.. anything I can to help the poor girl. It was kinda fun .. then I started watching the dynamics ... people talking to others .. playing the game ...I think.... Ugh I do not want to be in this singles shark tank... even though I was being flirted with by a cute blonde .. then I seen her ring and thought .. hmmm poor soon to be LBS kinda laughed I thought of this place at the time. So did my gig, came home ... went to the dealership and back early .. and was in my room ... the loneliness .. that's whats eating me up ... its not that I miss her .. I mean I do .. but I don't right now ... I just am alone, creating new friendships at the moment .. but its hard, not like I can TM someone I hardly know and say ... "Hey hope this is not creepy but can I come over and watch you sleep because I am lonely"...lol. Slowly .. this will come ... one of my personal hurdles that will take time .. I press on and will continue to do so.
So... watched my Huskers give the game away, went and grabbed some food .. and decided to make use of the free time and come to work to get caught up some. I will go home later, clean ... take the dog out for a walk ... catch a movie tonight.
You and I are similar, as you said on my thread....in that we have been too available for our H/W. They haven't had to feel the loss.....so when we do detach a bit more, yeppers. It freaks them out.
I love that you are showing more of your humorous side lately.... I get you.
And the loneliness??? Ugh. Right????
I was just thinking how I miss waking up and looking over at my H. Funny, I used to watch him sleep. I knew I was happy. In that moment, I knew.
You sound like you've done some great work the past few weeks. Keep going, Cali! It's great to watch your journey from here.
Cali and Shining- me three! Can't keep being available. It won't make us " good enough" or able to fix it no matter what!
So Cali- your comment about punishing yourself. That's a real part of abandonment- our anger turns inward. As I read the healing from abandonment book it became clear- that's me. Sounds like its you too. Might be a helpful book for you as it also gets you to start conversations with your " little" self.
Hang in there!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Yes, T. That was what I was getting at. And then some
Cali, it's funny. When my ex left, she told me not long after that she hoped I end up alone. I am a very extroverted person and quite at home with other people around me. I like it, I get a charge out of it. The more the merrier.
But you know what? I like being alone too. For a long time I was petrified of not having somebody. It hurt. It was change and I didn't ask for it.
Now? I like my alone time. I like my time with others, but I also like my alone time and I don't fear either one. Now? I embrace both and thoroughly enjoy them both.
Would I like somebody else to share my life with? Heck yeah. But am I willing to settle? Nope.
Finding somebody else to share the evening with? That's easy. Somebody for s*x? More difficult to shy away from gracefully.
I don't find it difficult to take somebody home. Somebody to share my time with. But that's not enough for me. I'm not willing to be with somebody just to not be alone. I'm not holier than though, but I don't see the point of wasting either of our time pretending to keep the loneliness at bay. It's just not enough.
That took a while, Cali. At first any warm body would do. Anyone that showed an interest or would talk to me. I have a lot of good friends to show for that time. Seriously, life has been good to me. But the growth that comes from being alone and not settling? The growth that led to knowing the difference with clarity? That's priceless. And it only came with doing the time.
During the last few years, I've lost many that were close to me. My grandfather was like a second dad to me. Hell, he was my father to me when my own father was not available. My sister has undergone major surgery and cancer treatments. She's not the same. They live in California and I live in NC. My grandmother has dementia and is mostly unavailable to me. My father died recently. My daughter won't talk to me except to ask for money or tell me how she hates me. I lost my wife of 20 years. My financial plans and security went up in smoke. I changed jobs to get away from a lunatic - that resulted in a pay decrease. I almost lost the house twice. My son is about to head out to college.
At first I was devastated. I had a hard time figuring out what was going on. Why my wife, who months earlier was happy and loved me and her family suddenly re-remembered our past together. I won't lie to you. It knocked me to the ground and every time I got up, she or her husband, my daughter, or life in general was there to kick me again. I started out punishing myself. Taking the blame. I have a problem with one of my eyes that may prevent me from seeing through it normally ever again (may require surgery). Getting older is a bi*ch
Or so I thought.
What I've learned? I learned I am strong enough to know when to ask for help. To know when my God is there for me. I'm strong enough to know how weak I am without my God.
I'm strong enough to know I needed help. To seek that help and to listen. Above all, I listened. I became still and I listened with all I had. That's something I could not have done without this experience. I know that. I am grateful for that and I am humble that I am worthy to deal with this, knowing that some would not be able to.
I am better for the experience, Cali. I hate that my ex lost her mind and abandoned our life and our children, had affairs, lied, tried to destroy me (literally) and blamed me for her actions. That feels horrible.
There's more, but to be honest, I don't care for more than the highlights. Sometimes I think, "why me?"
Then I figure, "why not me? Why should it be somebody else if I can't handle it?"
I have been able to help people through my experience. I have been able to help people in ways I never thought about because of my life experience.
I am just about to finish my college degree (a goal of mine for a long time), I have my independence, two healthy children, a house, a great job, and I am able to help through being the president of my church. I have a lot of great friends. And I have a peace I never had before.
My ex relayed to me one time that she felt that love wasn't enough. She said I deserved better and that she deserved happiness and didn't want to live in a loveless relationship (all in the same sentence.)
The next time you think about taking the blame or more than your fair share of the responsibilities - think again. You had your part. Part of that is that you cannot and never could do more than your share of making the relationship work. And you could never do it perfectly. Never.
Realize the parts you did not do as well as you would like. Own them. Forgive yourself for them. And give the rest back to where they belong. Gracefully and lovingly, but give them back. Do it now.
That will make your journey that much more realistic. If you stop trying to own things that are not yours. If her accusations of how you felt are put in perspective, you'll realize she is telling you how she feels now. If it was how she felt then, then she should have told you. If she can't get over it, then there really isn't much you can do about that. You've already changed. She KNOWS that and has told you that. She KNOWS you love her. She told you that too.
She has a problem and she wants it to be your fault so she doesn't have to do the work. That's NORMAL if not childish and destructive. Once she can no longer blame you, then she'll have to either face her own issues or blame somebody else until there is nobody else to blame. You cannot change that, Cali. It may not happen soon enough to save your M or your relationship at all. Accept that. Accept that you want her to be OK with or without you in her life. Accept that neither may happen.
That will free you up to be you. That will free you up to grow. And if she comes back to that, you'll be able to handle that just as much as if she does not. Right now, you're still defensive and it's holding you back, amigo. I see it as one of the catalyst events for you - to let go of all of that. To realize you're not alone and that you're not unique in your experience or pain. To realize that you can and will grow from in this in ways you never thought possible. In ways that will prepare you for future events you can't even see.
Have faith, amigo. Your son will thank you for it. You'll thank you for it. Your W may - if she gets herself together soon enough. Others will very much thank you for it. They just haven't met you yet
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
You and I are similar, as you said on my thread....in that we have been too available for our H/W. They haven't had to feel the loss.....so when we do detach a bit more, yeppers. It freaks them out.
Yeah.... I have detached a good deal this week, and its like she looks me in the eyes with this "I'm sorry" look. But you are right.... they do need to feel the loss but after 24 years I have to more than bluff ... I have to let her go and move on about my life ... Seen a picture that said something to the effect of Not waiting and walking your path and if someone was meant to be with you they will catch up
I love that you are showing more of your humorous side lately.... I get you.
And the loneliness??? Ugh. Right????
I was just thinking how I miss waking up and looking over at my H. Funny, I used to watch him sleep. I knew I was happy. In that moment, I knew.
You sound like you've done some great work the past few weeks. Keep going, Cali! It's great to watch your journey from here.
Yeah ... I am in total debt to uR, TS'd, MAch, and AL who have shared such wise words .. but more importantly tough questions I had to digest ... I would come in and read .. rather than reply right off I actually let them simmer a bit and have done more soul searching the past few months than I recall ever doing in my life.
Cali and Shining- me three! Can't keep being available. It won't make us " good enough" or able to fix it no matter what!
So Cali- your comment about punishing yourself. That's a real part of abandonment- our anger turns inward. As I read the healing from abandonment book it became clear- that's me. Sounds like its you too. Might be a helpful book for you as it also gets you to start conversations with your " little" self.
Hang in there!
Yeah, I never really thought that I had issues with abandonment ... but looking back it appears I do. Something I am now aware of, and just have to deal with..... grabbing that hurt little boy and maybe just giving him a hug from the man I want to be is a start. My religious journey has no doubt helped this process ... more growing and healing to come for Cali.
Yes, T. That was what I was getting at. And then some
Cali, it's funny. When my ex left, she told me not long after that she hoped I end up alone. I am a very extroverted person and quite at home with other people around me. I like it, I get a charge out of it. The more the merrier.
Ok AJ ... Will not lie, I read this post yesterday, let it sink in .. read it atleast 4-5 more times just to wrap my head around things ... amazing post my friend. Thought I would share. So ... I DJ, have for 15 years on the side .. 9 years was 3 nights a week on top of a regular 40 hour job. The assumption is I am extroverted, DJing is perceived this party guy and its all glamorous ... well let me tell you , its far from it and one of the loneliest gigs you could ever do. So I think the wife has always thought it was much more than it really is.
But you know what? I like being alone too. For a long time I was petrified of not having somebody. It hurt. It was change and I didn't ask for it.
Now? I like my alone time. I like my time with others, but I also like my alone time and I don't fear either one. Now? I embrace both and thoroughly enjoy them both.
Would I like somebody else to share my life with? Heck yeah. But am I willing to settle? Nope.
Finding somebody else to share the evening with? That's easy. Somebody for s*x? More difficult to shy away from gracefully.
I go through cycles, at times I am totally cool with hanging alone doing my things, take a ride, watch a movie in or out ... I rode recently 30 miles to a little burger shack and thought what an amazing day that was.... but yeah .. other times I want someone, my wife, to share those nothing moments with ... again .. I think its just human nature but the fact I never wanted 'this' adds the sting to it a bit .... I can not control that nor am I looking for a replacement wife at the moment. Its like I have this job opening, the person who filled it I did not appreciate at the time, I want them back ... just hope somehow she can get through her chit and actually realize she wants the job back. Like you ... I am not willing to settle, and just having her the way she was back n olonger works for me either
I don't find it difficult to take somebody home. Somebody to share my time with. But that's not enough for me. I'm not willing to be with somebody just to not be alone. I'm not holier than though, but I don't see the point of wasting either of our time pretending to keep the loneliness at bay. It's just not enough.
That took a while, Cali. At first any warm body would do. Anyone that showed an interest or would talk to me. I have a lot of good friends to show for that time. Seriously, life has been good to me. But the growth that comes from being alone and not settling? The growth that led to knowing the difference with clarity? That's priceless. And it only came with doing the time.
Thats what a buddy told me, I think he was with her 16 years, told me it took 3 years for him. I am still holding on to hope that my M is not over, still pray for that miracle from God. Recently I heard a story of a man who lost it all ... divorced, 6 years later he and his W reconciled .... I am not wanting to go through that ... but for right now, I know I must just move on with my life and allow her to work through her stuff ... she can not do that with me waiting outside. She has to be free to wander about and discover herself just as in a strange way .. she has set me free to discover myself.
During the last few years, I've lost many that were close to me. My grandfather was like a second dad to me. Hell, he was my father to me when my own father was not available. My sister has undergone major surgery and cancer treatments. She's not the same. They live in California and I live in NC. My grandmother has dementia and is mostly unavailable to me. My father died recently. My daughter won't talk to me except to ask for money or tell me how she hates me. I lost my wife of 20 years. My financial plans and security went up in smoke. I changed jobs to get away from a lunatic - that resulted in a pay decrease. I almost lost the house twice. My son is about to head out to college.
At first I was devastated. I had a hard time figuring out what was going on. Why my wife, who months earlier was happy and loved me and her family suddenly re-remembered our past together. I won't lie to you. It knocked me to the ground and every time I got up, she or her husband, my daughter, or life in general was there to kick me again. I started out punishing myself. Taking the blame. I have a problem with one of my eyes that may prevent me from seeing through it normally ever again (may require surgery). Getting older is a bi*ch
Or so I thought.
What I've learned? I learned I am strong enough to know when to ask for help. To know when my God is there for me. I'm strong enough to know how weak I am without my God.
I'm strong enough to know I needed help. To seek that help and to listen. Above all, I listened. I became still and I listened with all I had. That's something I could not have done without this experience. I know that. I am grateful for that and I am humble that I am worthy to deal with this, knowing that some would not be able to.
I am better for the experience, Cali. I hate that my ex lost her mind and abandoned our life and our children, had affairs, lied, tried to destroy me (literally) and blamed me for her actions. That feels horrible.
There's more, but to be honest, I don't care for more than the highlights. Sometimes I think, "why me?"
Then I figure, "why not me? Why should it be somebody else if I can't handle it?"
I have been able to help people through my experience. I have been able to help people in ways I never thought about because of my life experience.
I do feel this way, I really do. I would not have grown as much this past year without going through this. I actually have thanked God for this .... no way would I have wanted this but I realized over the past few months I would not have found this kind of deep peace in my heart without being completely broken down to a point I had to give it all up ... start new .. and have the amazing opputunity to rebuild myself the way I have always wanted to be. Strong, Spiritual, The best Father a S could ask for. ... all those things I did not like about myself .. I have been working on removing them ... slowly, but steady I will become that man I was meant to be.
I am just about to finish my college degree (a goal of mine for a long time), I have my independence, two healthy children, a house, a great job, and I am able to help through being the president of my church. I have a lot of great friends. And I have a peace I never had before.
My ex relayed to me one time that she felt that love wasn't enough. She said I deserved better and that she deserved happiness and didn't want to live in a loveless relationship (all in the same sentence.)
The next time you think about taking the blame or more than your fair share of the responsibilities - think again. You had your part. Part of that is that you cannot and never could do more than your share of making the relationship work. And you could never do it perfectly. Never.
Realize the parts you did not do as well as you would like. Own them. Forgive yourself for them. And give the rest back to where they belong. Gracefully and lovingly, but give them back. Do it now.
That will make your journey that much more realistic. If you stop trying to own things that are not yours. If her accusations of how you felt are put in perspective, you'll realize she is telling you how she feels now. If it was how she felt then, then she should have told you. If she can't get over it, then there really isn't much you can do about that. You've already changed. She KNOWS that and has told you that. She KNOWS you love her. She told you that too.
This part has been a recent addition. I have stopped apologizing for the things I have already apologized for. I realized the man I was .. the H I was .. well .. I could have been better ... but then it hit me, I was as good as I could have been given the circumstances and tools I had at the time. I own my part, I have am putting in the hard work to improve everyday, that's all I would ask of anyone in my life, fiend, son, family member, wife ... that's all I can do and if that is not enough... I can not help them.
She has a problem and she wants it to be your fault so she doesn't have to do the work. That's NORMAL if not childish and destructive. Once she can no longer blame you, then she'll have to either face her own issues or blame somebody else until there is nobody else to blame. You cannot change that, Cali. It may not happen soon enough to save your M or your relationship at all. Accept that. Accept that you want her to be OK with or without you in her life. Accept that neither may happen.
That will free you up to be you. That will free you up to grow. And if she comes back to that, you'll be able to handle that just as much as if she does not. Right now, you're still defensive and it's holding you back, amigo. I see it as one of the catalyst events for you - to let go of all of that. To realize you're not alone and that you're not unique in your experience or pain. To realize that you can and will grow from in this in ways you never thought possible. In ways that will prepare you for future events you can't even see. I agree ... its like .. OK AJ I know I am to drunk to drive but I am not ready to give up the keys just yet .. maybe 3 more cups of coffee (As I keep drinking shots) Letting go I have learned is just like many lessons here, that too is cyclic .... some days I have let go, given my W and M to God and have been at peace with it all .... then a memory hits me, a longing .. and I grab onto that balloon string thinking .. this is how I show love ... then I give it back to God like a kid who just got caught grabbing a cookie before dinner, I know its wrong, I just have not reached that point. I admit it .. but I also acknowledge I am getting closer and closer every day .. and I do feel the healthy benefits of it.
Have faith, amigo. Your son will thank you for it. You'll thank you for it. Your W may - if she gets herself together soon enough. Others will very much thank you for it. They just haven't met you yet
Peace, AJ
I do have faith ... not so much that my M will be saved, I have given that to God and have no idea where those chips fall ... but I do have faith there is more for me than what I have been through in the past 3 years or so .. even longer thinking about it. I can say the lessons that are earned here ... I say earned because there is a price to pay to get the good ones.. the price is that long uncomfortable look in the mirror that is attached to the long work we all must do on ourselves.
