Busting this Divorce - Separating

[HPoirot]

Bartender is divorced. Telling me his whole story. Nice. Champagne #?

[HPoirot]

Update... I made it home. Had I nice time GALing. Drank too much. Danced a little. Met some really nice people. Didn't want to be out tonight but I did it. Passed out in my car for a bit. Like old times. And when I get home.. What do I find? My W who's still in an A back in my bed snoring. That's no good. My giant mistake for inviting her back. Must pull back much much more. Considering telling her she was right to move to the couch and to go back. I don't have to like this. I've got to do this. Curious what you think. What a day.

Good night and thank you for reading.

Onward.

[Zues126]

H, You weren't clear but it sounds like you were driving drunk.

Don't.

My friend of 20 years just lost his grown son. Brain dead. The plug was pulled.

Divorce is life changing. Drunk driving is life ending. Waking up from an hour of bein passed out doesn't make you sober.

If I misunderstood the situation I apologize. Either way, find a way to GAL that is safe. Personally I would recommend against alcohol altogether. But if nothin else make sure it only impacts you, not others.

Thank you.

[Vanilla]

HP

Holding your ground is great news to hear. Resolve to keep it up, clear boundaries made, lines in the sand made. Stay behind them.

As you say 100% etc this holds

The alcohol issue is very important, from my thread you will know my H has a very serious compulsive problem including alcohol. If W has alcohol use with drug interaction then this means that you may be interacting with alcohol and not the person. It is W issue to deal with. Nothing can be done until she decides to change it. Sadly I have a lot of experience with this HP.

A couple of warnings:
do not have sex with W when either of you are drunk.
Please do not fall into the trap of self medicating with alcohol yourself.

Losing your license to drive will give your W the opportunity to point fingers.

I have given up alcohol almost completely as I feel I need to be in control of myself at all times around H. It is a difficult issue to add alcohol to the mix especially if W is adding prescription drugs so I believe you need to take extreme care of you especially for S11.

The 100% statement of sandi Guidelines applies x100 when dealing with alcohol and you could almost make that 100% of what they do under the influence.

Be the rock you can be HP, you all need that, whilst W is in this bad place she finds herself in. She put herself there and by you setting boundaries she appears to be beginning to face that.

The wonderful members of this board ( especially the vets) will give you advice on this journey, and those of us with less experience will encourage.
Encouragement
Vanilla

[BigMac]

+ 1 on being careful with the Alcohol. A DUI is not something you want on your record if you have to go through the divorce process.

[Wonka]

HP,

Generally, you did really good in the talk with W with a few exceptions. Yeah, I agree the "sleep in our bed" comment was a real doozy. Tonight, if W tries to slip in the bed, just calmly inform her that it is inappropriate to sleep in the same bed as long as she's in an A and you made a mistake with that doozy comment.

The biggest take away from the talk is that W is massively confused and hasn't brought up D talk. That is a positive.

She came at it in so many ways trying to get around my boundary. Like she wanted me to allow the A go on and go to MC to talk about it.

Even so, every time I say something like... You're absolutely right W. We need MC. And it's non-negotiable for me... your A must end. I said it directly, calmly, even lovingly. I was that way the whole time. I felt great.

^^ That is the KEY to the whole thing...really. Continue to sticking your guns on this one. Very important.

When I talked about how we're not friends anymore, she talked at length and passionately about how important our friendship is to her and how she can't lose it.

This is what the WAS fears the MOST and often it is what draws them back to the M. As Starsky, do pull back and let W process your talk from yesterday. She needs to see for herself the stark contrast of losing you and her family.

I managed to praise her for being brave enough to tell me she didn't love me.

^^ That comment was not good. Why? Because you are praising W for being "right" in telling you she does not love you. That is the wrong focus. Instead, you would want to say, "I know this takes a lot of courage to tell me your thoughts which cannot be easy at all. I appreciate you opening up to me. Thank you." This is something you would want to keep in mind on what you are really "praising" W for...it is the content and context that communicates to her.

Then I said... let's stop here. I have a lot to do today. Thank you for talking And I got up to walk away.

This is my favorite comment because it is strong, firm, and decisive.

Then I turned and said as terrible as this has been, I have enjoyed some of the talks we've had since BD. She brightened and agreed. I said we've haven't been close like this in years. I said this is intimacy you know... talking like this. If we didn't care about each other... this wouldn't be so hard. She really smiled then and said yes you're right. I felt some nice connection then.

And I got stupid.

I said, "and you're invited back to the bed."

You are not alone in making this type of mistake. Many LBHs do this when they feel the connection, then they do stupid. I see this all the time here. That is what I call the "wet noodle" reaction when the LBHs soften up and feel the connection. Blam! They get in stupidland. sigh Dust yourself off and remind yourself of your goals.

While she is in A there will be no MC.
While she is in A we are not friends.
If she ends our M in this A we will never be friends again.
(I remember lovingly saying after she talked about why we need MC... "Yes your right... first we should be friends again. Right now, we are not friends.")


Good job on laying it out on W. She has a lot to think about.

Yeah, stick to your guns and keep going.

One last thing... she also mentioned she's now afraid to go back to her IC. W told IC that she drinks in the evening and then takes a sleeping pill. IC said women who do that to dull the pain in their lives can become alcoholic. W is afraid she is alcoholic. She still drinks even though she's should be on a liver regimen that prohibits her from drinking. She didn't like hearing that and now she won't go back to IC.

I had to smile at this. Yeah, we see this quite frequently. Many WAS drop out of IC or MC if they dish out the truth and it doesn't fit in with their own POV. It is too bad.

Oh, and at on point I suggested she pause (word I and her IC used) with OM to do MC. She said she could do that. She was all over the place.

Why would you say THAT??!! It directly contradicts your position of being willing to go to MC if OM is completely out of the picture. What were you thinking??? You essentially told her "yeah, it's alright to take a break from your A so we can on MC then you can slip right back to the OM." Does that sound silly to you? Ayep. It does.

Overall, I think you really did a good job. Yeah, it's hard to think quickly on your feet right in the belly of the fire.

Now, it's the time to pull back.

[HPoirot]

Yes I did drink and drive last night. I was a horrible thing I did and I am sorry.

[Maybell]

Halfway through your night I almost posted that you needed to quit drinking. Would you have listened if I had?

[HPoirot]

Did I pull too far back?

Today I woke up and did my routine.

W asked me how my evening was and I said very good and walked away. I got busy and stayed away from her and tried to focus on what I wanted to do today and not on her.

She and S11 were getting ready to go to tennis lessons. I was in the kitchen reading my computer.

I told S11 to have a great time. He came over and gave me a hug. I told him I love him.

I turned back to my computer.

W said... "is this a no talking to me day?"

I turned to her and said "Oh no I'm talking to you." I was friendly.

She said "Can you tell me about your day? What your schedule is like?"

I said "I have some things to do today and I'll be out."

"This is a far cry from where we were yesterday when we talked," she said.

We said some other things about looking at apartments today. All the while she had a stunned "what the H?" look on her face. I was friendly.

I turned back to my computer.

I heard her walking around. Then she came into the kitchen and said, "I think you should take the lead on looking for an apartment where you want to live."

I looked and her and said OK.

Then she stomped to the door, turned, and said "Because come February 1st I'm out!"

Slammed the door and left with S11.

Looks like I went too far. Did I? Or is this me sticking to my guns and getting tested?

Now she texts me... "will you answer if I call in 10 minutes?"

What to do? Everyday just moves so fast.

[HPoirot]

Yes I would have stopped drinking if you had told me to Maybell. Thank you for even thinking of doing that.