Yes Tadpole, like I said it's still hard to do when we're still so close to the fire in one way or another. But as time goes one the detachment just grows.
I couldn't sleep last night. I read some stuff on Identity Crisis...WOW!
I don't know if it's because I was so tired or what...but, WOW!
Fit Smokey like a glove.
And, after taking an online test, I'm pleased to announce I'm pretty comfortable in my own skin. Thank you very much ;-)
It was pretty weird. All this stuff just made so much sense.
Like they are little kids who are trying hard to fit in with the popular kids, even if it means bullying the nice kids. IDK. I learned a lot. Thanks for the info.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Wow Lois thanks for passing this on! I think I will look this up today!
Yes Im pretty darn comfortable in my own skin. However we must remember that in relationships it's ok to be flexible but only to the extent that you're comfortable with. If it's compromising you as a person, your values and your integrity...IT AIN'T WORKING!
MLC is the "major" identity crisis for those going through it. It's not just going back and doing it one more time, but they are trying to find themselves because of being emotionally stunted at a very early age. They need to grow up and leave the teenager life behind and accept that they are getting older and mortality is looking them in the eye more and more each day and that you can't go back and do it one more time at the fountain of youth. This is why you see them wearing many different masks during their journey because they are still trying to figure out who they want to be.
It's very sad and I do feel a lot of empathy for anyone who is going through the crisis because they do tend to destroy a lot as their travel their path to maturity.
Quite frankly, I don't know what's worse. Being the LBS of an MLCer or being the MLCer struggling through this mother load of an identity crisis!
Now Im wondering how and when do these MLCers get emotionally stunted? Is it a traumatic issue? Did they skip something vitally important so they have to re do this now?
As painful as it is, I guess if we come through to the other side of the abandoned spouse syndrome, I would chose the LBS. Why? Because through this insane mess, I've found myself. I got back to my true self and feel like me again. I know who I am. Yes Im still working on things, such as career path, and still trying to figure out what kind of relationship will work for me. But Im aware of it and walk with it one step at a time.
D12 told me that when OW grandchild was born, Exh sat there looking at the baby and was choking back tears. I also noticed XH was nervous around me last time we spoke in person, a week ago I think it was. Yet at the same time after I asked him yet ANOTHER COMPUTER PROGRAM QUESTION, he automatically was able to recall what "we" were doing 4 years ago and what " we" were installing into these computers, so technically it could work.
I kinda found that interesting. He can still recall things in the past here like it was yesterday.
My ego wants to think that when he saw that little baby girl, he was brought to tears remembering when his 12 year old was born, and when his 15 year old was born. Knowing him well enough, I think it did. He also hasn't spoken to D12 but one time in the last week. That's very odd for him to do since the first few months of insane BD and replay. He's swinging back into depressed mode.
REgardless of what ever is going through his mind, I know he has a long way to go. If he ever fully grasps what's going on within himself as well as the ripple effect it's had on his life, I have no idea. I know for me standing in front of a new born baby would make me go back to the birth of my two girls, and if at that moment in time my oldest daughter was refusing to talk to me because I severely screwed up, oh ya it would be time to face some stuff. But that's me.
I honestly feel sorry for XH, despite the fact that he can still infuriate me from time to time.
Because we new each other as kids, I was there during the delay in his development...for Smokey, it was a combo of substance abuse and messed-up parents that prevented him from really settling into who he was intended to be.
After all this time, I feel like I finally "get" the "WHY" of all this...and, it really had nothing to do with me. The boy I connected with, all those years ago, was real. He kinda did a reverse Velveteen Rabbit...he went from being real to being stuffed and empty.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
They can be emotionally stunted by abuse, verbal and physical, lack of love, admiration and affirmation in the home or by someone in authority. Maybe the parents were more loving towards a sibling or they may have been ignored completely...i.e., seen but not heard. Parents do the most damage, but it could have been something else in his life at an early age, generally it's when they are children.
Here's a thread that I created a few years ago that will help explain some of what you need to understand about the "stunted" situation.
Yes, they remember more than you think and some of it's stuffed down at the moment, but it does bubble up periodically. You have to have empathy for them because no one should want to be them. The emotional and spiritual pain that they are going through isn't easy and it's very, very painful for them. They don't and won't talk about it until they begin to wake up and you only get snippets because they are so ashamed of what they've done to family and friends.
Continue to have empathy for him, but do not get sucked back into his drama. He's directing his own drama play right now and he needs to do it solo, i.e., w/o you getting too involved.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
As painful as it is, I guess if we come through to the other side of the abandoned spouse syndrome, I would chose the LBS. Why? Because through this insane mess, I've found myself. I got back to my true self and feel like me again. I know who I am. Yes Im still working on things, such as career path, and still trying to figure out what kind of relationship will work for me. But Im aware of it and walk with it one step at a time.
I would choose the LBS as well, hands down.
Any thoughts as to why you couldn't be yourself before? Didn't know? Didn't feel safe? ??
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I kinda found that interesting. He can still recall things in the past here like it was yesterday.
For MLCr's time seems to stand still in a lot of ways. I've seen it quite a bit with mine and others. Makes me see the story of Rumpelstiltskin differently Additionally, I see a desire to make me out to be the bad guy and the reason she "had" to leave. But this is years later now and still goes on with her and her new husband (OM). Seems strange to me, but I suspect a time warp of some sort for my ex. Hard to describe the reason for the feeling, but just strange things I've noticed over the years.
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After all this time, I feel like I finally "get" the "WHY" of all this...and, it really had nothing to do with me. The boy I connected with, all those years ago, was real. He kinda did a reverse Velveteen Rabbit...he went from being real to being stuffed and empty
Yes. That's a very good way to put it, Heather.
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Yes, they remember more than you think and some of it's stuffed down at the moment, but it does bubble up periodically
Yep, buried feelings have a way of haunting later. They just don't stay buried.
The further out you get, the more you can see Job's suggestion is spot on. Stay away and let them deal with their life in their way. It has nothing to do with you and it really is the only way for them to learn. On their own.
Kimmerz, it is nice to see that it's not about you. You've heard it, but to see it and internalize it is very helpful I think. I wish your exH the best. Same for you Heather. I wouldn't want go through what they are going through.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Why couldn't I be myself? I felt ridiculed and not accepted. By his extreme passive aggressive behaviors, I felt invisible. When frustration built up to anger, then building up to finally voice something, I was dismissed, he down played the situation, criticized me, or got defensive. Then he refused to speak to me for weeks at a time.
This extreme passive aggressive/ mental and emotional abuse took hold as MLC was starting to fester and most definitely 6 months after he was shot. Sometimes I ask myself how much was MLC or how much was MLC brought on by him losing the job he loved, many family members, and damn near his own life. I mean it's like which came first, the chicken or the egg when I think about it all, but it doesn't matter anymore.
I truly grasp that this isn't all about me, it never was.!! And I want all the LBS's to know this! I didn't believe that for a long time, but as I've grown and learned so much, I see that all our reactions to anything in life have to do with what's going on inside of us at the time. Yes, we may rightfully act out in ways due to being mistreated. It's ok to say ouch! But when a person solely makes it someone elses responsibility for their happiness, because they truly haven't gotten in touch with that part of themselves, that's all on them!
Additionally, I see a desire to make me out to be the bad guy and the reason she "had" to leave. But this is years later now and still goes on with her and her new husband (OM). Seems strange to me, but I suspect a time warp of some sort for my ex. Hard to describe the reason for the feeling, but just strange things I've noticed over the years. 