KGirl con't

[KGirl]

OK.. went to IC.. got my finger pricked for blood testing...got a flu shot...lots of "painful" things today. My big takeaway from IC is that I'm spending too much time, perhaps, ruminating about why this is and how H could do such a thing and wondering if I could have done anything else, which is preventing me from moving on to the next steps - true acceptance of reality, grieving, and moving forward. Unfortunately it doesn't seem like there's a whole lot of specific things I can do besides let time take its course (I want a checklist! or a manual! grr!). My IC did give me some handouts on radical acceptance to review. It was kind of funny, when I said I wanted instructions he said "well I can give you some handouts.. they are more directed at people who are severely emotionally disturbed.. so I don't want you to think that is you.." lovely! There are some key phrases/quotes to repeat to myself, including:
-I can only influence this moment
-The past has only the power I give it
-I won't let my life be shaped by someone else's actions
-This doesn't change or mean anything about me.

It also talks about how acceptance is NOT:
-agreeing with someone else's behavior
-that the pain I've experienced isn't real
-that I need to forget about the painthat was caused me

I did mention that I felt like I never really laid out to H how exactly all of this affected me and made me feel, since I've been trying so hard to DB which generally means friendly and polite. He suggested that maybe it's time for me to write an email or letter to H with how I feel, of course focusing on "I" statements and whatnot. I'm guessing that would not be recommended here, though.

[labug]

I practice radical acceptance everyday and I don't think I'm severely disturbed.

So what can you do about your ruminating. You've been very vocal about H not doing his work, what's your work here?

I see flashes of your humor surfacing. Yay!

There's nothing wrong with writing it and getting it outside yourself. During the S I wrote many emails to H that I never sent. I'd sit on them for a couple of days and then re-read them. Most were rejected. If you write it and in a few days you still want to send it, do but be careful of the expectations you put on it.

((( ))) Hope you feel as good as you sound.

[KGirl]

I don't think you are either, labug, from what I know I hope that didn't come across as offensive. I think it was moreso that the materials were written in very basic language... it reminded me of when I worked at a mental health hospital and my conversations with patients were very basic, like "Today, if you don't hit anyone, you can go to canteen! What do you think about that? What can you do if you feel like hitting someone?" etc.

I think what I can do is repeat/think about some of those key phrases, until they start to become second nature. And, go out and make sure I stay busy and active with things that I value and add things to my life, whether that's getting necessary things taken care of, or talking with friends, or going to the gym, or cooking... things along those lines. I did ask my IC what else I can do to really accept this and grieve and he didn't really have much to say besides time and let my emotions happen. I would like more concrete instructions but they just may not exist. I did order a book that came today about rebuilding after a relationship ends that goes into more detail about the stages of grief and afterwards, so maybe that will help.

I am going to work this weekend on writing out an email. Who knows if it will be sent or not. I don't know that I'll have expectations but I do worry that what I write would likely burn some bridges if I sent it because it will probably be somewhat blame-y and angry... we'll see, I guess.

I am feeling better, and it's getting easier. I don't think about H or the situation as much as I did this past weekend. Time does really help. It was a little saddening when I got an email today from H's aunt about the annual Christmas gathering. I forwarded it to H and asked if he wanted to ask her to remove me from the email list, or if I needed to. He still hasn't told his extended family (and told me that he's not going to say anything about it at Thanksgiving unless they ask, because if they want to know they'll have to ask), which seems somewhat immature to me and not acknowledging/owning up to his actions but.. not my place, not my thing. What I do know is I don't want to con't to get emails about a Christmas gathering that I will not be attending.

[KGirl]

After I posted that, H responded to my email about me getting removed from the Christmas planning email list that his aunt sends:
"Sorry, she knows [about us]. I guess she's just being a b*tch. I'll ask her to remove you."
It's interesting that that is his first assumption, rather than... maybe she just forgot to take me off? Or something else? I guess this has opened my eyes a little more and helped me to acknowledge how he can be closed-minded and often assume the worst in people (they are out to get him, they are just mean, etc.). "Immature" is the word that keeps coming up from IC and the people that know us both well. I think these are things I knew before but just chose to ignore them/let them go because I didn't want to see how he was

[labug]

You really area very witty person.

[25yearsmlc]

OK.. went to IC.. got my finger pricked for blood testing...got a flu shot...lots of "painful" things today. My big takeaway from IC is that I'm spending too much time, perhaps, ruminating about why this is and how H could do such a thing and wondering if I could have done anything else, which is preventing me from moving on to the next steps - true acceptance of reality, grieving, and moving forward. Unfortunately it doesn't seem like there's a whole lot of specific things I can do besides let time take its course (I want a checklist! or a manual! grr!).

My IC did give me some handouts on radical acceptance to review. It was kind of funny, when I said I wanted instructions he said "well I can give you some handouts.. they are more directed at people who are severely emotionally disturbed.. so I don't want you to think that is you.." lovely!

There are some key phrases/quotes to repeat to myself, including:
-I can only influence this moment
-The past has only the power I give it
-I won't let my life be shaped by someone else's actions
-This doesn't change or mean anything about me.

I'm a big fan of repeating meaningful mantras like these^^ if they are authentic and helpful to YOU and your situation. I also "turned things over to God" and asked Him to help me heal. Thinking it, saying it out loud and hearing yourself having said it, ALL seem to blend in and to sink in.

If I can, I'd like to make a small suggestion about a few of your "mantras". Instead of "non negatives", e.g. "I won't let my life be shaped by others"<

you could state an affirmative, eg. "i am in charge of my life, and choices and only I will determine my 'mood',", so that you are empowering yourself to make choices, rather than only setting boundaries on others. Regardless of agreement, do you understand my point?


It also talks about how acceptance is NOT:
-agreeing with someone else's behavior
-that the pain I've experienced isn't real
-that I need to forget about the painthat was caused me

I did mention that I felt like I never really laid out to H how exactly all of this affected me and made me feel, since I've been trying so hard to DB which generally means friendly and polite.

Though i understand the appeal of this^^, and though I can IMAGINE us thinking

"FINALLY, the WAS will sit and listen and HEAR about my pain. They will really 'get it' , and then.... even if they don't want to reconcile, at least me & MY PAIN and suffering will be recognized and.....and....and"

and what?

What is the GOAL of this theoretically appealing, sit down "explanation of your pain"? And what is the real hope/expectation?

In my opinion, you'll be disappointed or worse. Rather than "getting you, finally", it'll be viewed badly, as yet more whining and more 'victimhood for the LBS' designed to guilt the WAS', etc. And more relief on his end, that he escaped...

And in a way, isn't it ^^ all of those things? Telling our story to a WAS is not what we tell ourselves, It's not a reckoning of the remorseful.

In HIS mind, you already know the reasons he is leaving OR you "should know", and he certainly believes he knows enough about your pain and suffering.
If words could affect him or make him do right by you, it would have been done by now, wouldn't it? You sure sound articulate here.

I believe there's no way you can change his perception merely with more words. (That's hard to accept, I know. I'm a L and see myself as quite the wordsmith).

For too long, I was convinced if I only grouped the right words together, and in the correct order, I could MAKE my h understand! Then he'd know how wrong he was and how "more right" I was, than him.....but he could not hear me.

He suggested that maybe it's time for me to write an email or letter to H with how I feel, of course focusing on "I" statements and whatnot. I'm guessing that would not be recommended here, though.

Oh, come on, you are Not really "guessing". You KNOW it's not recommended here.

AND, do you know why? It might help to write it all out and think it, see it, say it (hear it) and KNOW it and maybe, sometime soon, accept it.

[KGirl]

Thanks, 25, for stopping by! I see what you are saying about flipping some of those into positives - great idea. I will work this week on writing some of my own phrases that ring true for me, and when I feel myself starting to slip into the "why? why is this happening? why did H do this?" thought tornado, I will reflect on them. You've given me lots of things to think on regarding telling him how I feel/how his actions have affected me. I'll keep thinking on it.

[25yearsmlc]

Hey Kgirl

My post sounded like a harsh 2 x 4, which I did not intend. Really I'm hoping you can learn from MY mistakes.

I wasted a solid year of my life asking a question that has no good answer. Seriously. That is probably my biggest regret.

In these situations, the question "Why?" IS just Not something to ask often. There is no "good" answer, meaning, there is no answer that will help you sleep or feel better.

Chances are you'll get no answer at all, but even if you got one, it would not give you the peace you seek.

I once met a young girl with cancer, at a summer camp. She felt alright that summer.

She shared with me that she "USED to ask God, 'why?' Why ME, God, why am I sick?...then I said 'I just am' and I stopped asking b/c I know I just have to have a fun life while I can..."

Smart girl who then had a great summer, but it was her last summer on earth... So, Why are you here? Why is your h having all these doubts, etc.?

I don't know. We only know that indeed you are here...so now what?

The peace you seek, the inner knowledge that you did your best when you could, only comes from within. (Meaning, once you knew what your role was, you made the changes needed).

So dig deep, own your role, change the behaviors you believe don't serve you well, and be at peace...regardless of what your h chooses.


And then ask yourself the other hard question. Which is, IF your h wants back into the marriage, how are YOU going to get past this ordeal with him?

How will You regain the trust in him enough to recommit & open your heart?

If you can't open your heart fully, in time, things will not go well for either of you. I'm not saying you'd punish him (though you might be surprised at how many choose that path), I'm asking how you'd forgive.


Of course that task is down the road. For now the only thing you need to ask yourself is if you believe you Would try to forgive, b/c if his doubts and present behavior might actually be a deal breaker for you, figure that out sooner rather than later.

True reconciliations do require true forgiveness.

But every long term happy marriage has included some chunks of forgiveness. So keep that in mind as you go forth. Make sense?

[KGirl]

25, thank you again for your words of wisdom I do think that is where I'm stuck right now. It was the first thing I wrote on my list of things to talk about in IC, in terms of where I'm stuck and unable to let go and move on - the fact that I don't understand the WHY of all this. I know there will never likely be an answer. I don't think H even knows why. I went back to some of my very first posts and looked at some of the reasons why H said he was doing this - "we didn't have sex enough" "you didn't compliment me enough" "you're always asking me what I'm doing" All of which he never addressed beforehand, and all of which I worked very hard to do better at the 6 months we lived together.. but then he said it still didn't matter, there was nothing I or anyone else could do to give him what he wanted. So that brings me back to still wondering, why?? I told my IC it would be easier if he did something awful or something unforgiveable, or there was a clear reason to be unhappy (we fought all the time, for example). IC said "Are you sure? Would knowing that really give you the closure you want? Or would you just wonder why you couldn't fix that new thing?" Point taken. Someone posted this on facebook not too long ago, it sums it up well:
"Giving up the need to know why something has happened to you will definitely count among the most rigorous personal challenges of your life."

I think at this point in time, I would be able to try and forgive him. If we got to the point of actually being D'ed and THEN he wanted to be in a relationship, I don't know about that. That's an awful lot to go through. If it got that far I think I'd say no, but hard to know until you're in the actual situation.

[Card29]

Well if you know you would be willing to try before a D is finalized, then focus on that, the here and now. Save the energy of thinking about what you want if it is finalized for that time. Your IC sounds great.

I hope you don't mind me freeloading advice from your IC, because Ive had this same thought on a few occasions: I wish she'd done something terrible! It seems like it would make it easier to let go. Your IC nails it by saying that we'd just have the same struggles with new issues.