I'm Just So ANGRY to be HERE!

[HPoirot]

But are you sure this is a core boundary that is infringed or do you just feel it should be one?

Thank you for reading my sitch Vanilla and for your question and comments.

Yes, this is a core boundary/value for me. Her not stopping/pausing contact with OM when she said she would and she knows it hurts me is a big no for me. Like the boundary says... a friend doesn't treat a friend like this and she likes to talk about us being friends. It has been 4 weeks of me being kind and making her comfortable out of respect for her pain and our friendship. Now she's lost the right to my friendship and support because she shows me she does not want either. I'm not looking to make or be drama. I'm looking for the right way to nicely but firmly express and protect myself. I do, admittedly, also want her to stop contacting him... but I recognize I can't make her do that. At the same time, I can't sit by and just let this happen to me. I've allowed her set the schedule for her decisions on my life in this sitch (like I let/wanted her do way too often in our M). This is one of the reasons I'm in this sitch now. I did not lead. She wants a leader. The few times I have lead so far I got better feeling for myself and better behavior from her. This is my 180... to lead in my life.

[25yearsmlc]

NEVER put a timetable on it. At least not a communicated one (internal ones, for yourself, are not only good but healthy).

If you give a wayward "100 days to make up your mind!" they will inevitably take that as your tacit approval to continue their affair for 99 more days, at which point they will promise you the moon and the stars to let them back into the marriage.

Starsky

Thank you Starsky. I agree a long time limit makes no sense. I was thinking of an immediate time limit in this case (like end of the week) because I've already let this go on for 4 weeks after she said she would stop. Would a short time limit on a boundary still be a bad idea?

Am I really the only person here who thinks the Affair YOU had, and have Not disclosed, makes your position a bit less righteous?

I don't want to beat a dead horse but that whole fiasco has been suppressed as far as I can see AND forgotten I guess

[HPoirot]

"BINGO" to all of that. ^^^ HP, this is all about learning to know what your true, non-negotiable core boundaries are, and then how to communicate and enforce them. It's NOT about tactics. When I made the painfully difficult decision to ultimately file for D when my wife was continuing her affair, unrepentant, it was because I was truly DONE at that point. And as fast as I was (and I was far less patient than most!) it was still 60 days of hard-core GALing, self-improving, affair-busting, boundary-setting and legal and financial protections before I had her served.

What I would recommend you communicate to your wife at this point is "Looks like we both have some big decisions to make. This isn't working for me either." Boundaries repeated are boundaries weakened, I always say.


Starsky

Thank you for this Starsky. I respectfully ask... aren't these GAL, 180s, and all the self improvement tactics? Of course the primary motivation is to take this sitch as a gift for getting to the next level of your life... to be a happier, healthier person no matter what happens. But, at the same time, we can't ignore the big added benefit of this being the ONLY real way to get our WAS's back in an M that's better than before. That's why we're all here. Even if we're "faking it till we make it," knowing the power of being a H who can let his wife go because she crossed boundaries should be enough to actually do that, with the right timing of course. This is being tactical, no?

Also, what was your affair busting?

It would be great if you could use this time to think about what changes you could make, too. What reason could you give her to come back to the marriage that was unfulfilling enough that she ended up with an OM.

Hello claire7. Yes, the GAL and 180 changes are where I feel I'm doing great. My issues in my M included me being an isolated (I work at home), no friends, boring, sad, tired, uninspired guy. My W married an interesting, passionate go getter who loved to go out and live life.

So I'm out volunteering and mentoring and meeting new people in a big way and W has noticed. I'm also keeping my PMA up with music, exercise, a new business and general aliveness which W has also told me she's enjoying. I've tried the "mystery" part of GAL but my W asks me about my activities and asks to join in. We have enjoyed some nice connecting moments talking about my vision for my mentoring (having a life vision is another 180) between her iciness, anger and crying moments.

It is one of the reasons I've felt reluctant about my boundary. Except for the times I've pursued or showed her anger since I started GAL, we've had a few wonderful connections/conversations and she has increasingly warmed to me. I have grown to look forward to those times and work to make them happen because I miss her. Any glimpse of the old her I hold on to tightly.

But that's not DBing... So I'm letting that go too.

Still, I know I can do 90 days of GAL/growing into fool to leave guy and maybe she responds to that before she executes her escape plan powered by OM EA energy.

Or I can lead and shut all that down because an OM crosses my boundary for continued niceness and support.

Make no mistake... I love my wife and want to take care of her. I see her crying and hurt.

I can't mind read, though. The fact is she has not shown me she stopped contact b/c she has not.

So, GAL, 180s, and a boundary that will piss her off and maybe send her out the door.

[HPoirot]

Am I really the only person here who thinks the Affair YOU had, and have Not disclosed, makes your position a bit less righteous?

I don't want to beat a dead horse but that whole fiasco has been suppressed as far as I can see AND forgotten I guess

Yes I can see how it looks like my A was forgotten. I know the only thing I have to stand on is my PA was over 4 years ago and I did not leave my M, that my W knew about my lingering love for OW and knows about the EA part, that my W feels OW is my soul mate, and that W says she would be happy if I ended up with OW. All that is admittedly weak.

Today I'm a guy working to be a better man and re-attract my W. I asked her to stop her EA. She said she would stop her EA because it was the right thing to do. That was 2 weeks ago. There's no chance for anything unless OM is out of the picture one way or the other.

Now I'm here. I just want to do what works to get to a new great M with my W if at all possible.

[Vanilla]

Jim
The reason I asked if it was a core boundary was because you had the affair. In my clumsy way I am asking if this can be a core boundary if it wasn't a core value?
How core is it?

Full disclosure is needed if this is now a core value IMHO.

Regards
Vanilla

[Vanilla]

Sorry part of my text was missing

Jim's thread discusses core values very nicely.

So inexperienced at this posting. Apologies.

Vanilla

[HPoirot]

OK took a moment to calm down. Noticed a pattern I'm making...

This is the second time I had a wonderful connection in the morning with my W... then fell into a terrible R talk in the evening. My 2 best mornings with her... where I was relaxed and alpha and engaging... got me overconfident? Then, in the evening, I fall into a R talk even while in my head I tell myself NO R TALK! Then I talk too much, push and get needy instead of listening... and she hammers me about how there's no way she gets her feelings back.

When I'm relaxed and alpha and engaging... she starts saying "if things work out" and talks about the future. When I'm hungry or tired or drinking or irritated... I backslide and undo days of good work.

Then, the next day, I come here and talk about boundaries and getting her out of the house because I'm still getting angry.

So I'm not there yet. Not close. I have a lot to do. Months and years to go. I'm on day 41.

Tonight, I want to set this boundary about the OM and I don't want to push my W away any more.

Paralyzed again. I'll sleep on this. I want to bust this divorce.

...

Tonight with W was nice. No talks... but good short interactions with smiles from her. Gave her praise for her housework. Listened to her talk about her day. Spent time being a good dad.

She leaving tomorrow morning for a 3 day company retreat. I'm dropping her off at her co-worker's house. No R talks!

I will take her time away to reset and focus on me and my boy and my work. Then my weekend GAL of mentoring young tech programmers and my dinner with my dad.

I am grateful for all the amazing advice I got today. I have a lot to think about and a decision to make about what to do next.

Onward.

[Wonka]

Poirot,

You are NOwhere near to bring up boundary setting and enforcing it because YOU are not strong emotionally to do so.

Then, the next day, I come here and talk about boundaries and getting her out of the house because I'm still getting angry.

So I'm not there yet. Not close. I have a lot to do. Months and years to go. I'm on day 41.

Tonight, I want to set this boundary about the OM and I don't want to push my W away any more.

Why tonight??! What's the urgency, buddy?? It is all in your head.

Repeat after me 100x:

I will not bring up R talk nor any boundary setting.


Seriously, you've got to forget about the boundary setting script because IT IS NOT the right time. Listen to us. Seriously.

[Starsky309]

I was unaware of his own affair, and the deceit surrounding it. This is why I don't get involved in threads only having read the last 3 pages.

This would change my advice significantly.


Starsky

[Maybell]

I don't understand, Poirot, why you haven't yet acknowledged that your W might have been as sick over your EA four years ago as you are now. It can't be pleasant, telling her husband that he belongs with his soul mate and apparently never hearing that she, the wife, is his soul mate.

That would burn like acid at every good feeling I had about myself, if I'd lived through that.