Slow down, Poirot. This is not a competition or the 50-yard dash.
The script ^^ in Dev's thread is a very strong boundary. You don't need to show your man card by filing a D. The way to do this is to state that you are not willing to live in an open marriage with OM. It is communicated to W and then the rest is up to her whether to end her affair to work on the M.
Please keep in mind that all of this is not linear. It is not a situation where one can work on a flow-chart where if a person does A, then do B, then move on to C, and to D. Nope. It doesn't work that way at all.
Buddy, you've been at this only a month. Give the process time and keep reading other people's threads. What worked for me is copying and pasting quotes, lines, and comments that I thought were really good in my flash drive. I've used a variation of them in my interactions with Ms. Wonka.
The main thing is to be your true, authentic self. That can be a delicate balancing act. It comes with reading, learning, and putting into practice some of the DB principles.
So for not...scrach your timelines and your threats to file for D. It will NOT work at all because you really don't want a divorce as you stated in response to Maybell's question.
What you can do is slow down the D train by not lifting a finger to file for D. The onus needs to be on the WAS to file for D since they want it so badly.
What about time limit? I made the mistake last time of not clearly stating an end date.
So something like... "I will not live in an open M. I have seen no evidence of the A ending. If you continue to include a third party in this M, then I will see a lawyer on Monday to start our D."
If a time limit is good, what should it be? 3 days? Tomorrow? It's already been nearly 4 weeks.
Thank you again for your amazing help.
NEVER put a timetable on it. At least not a communicated one (internal ones, for yourself, are not only good but healthy).
If you give a wayward "100 days to make up your mind!" they will inevitably take that as your tacit approval to continue their affair for 99 more days, at which point they will promise you the moon and the stars to let them back into the marriage.
And also? It would be great if you could use this time to think about what changes you could make, too. What reason could you give her to come back to the marriage that was unfulfilling enough that she ended up with an OM. Something was missing for her in the M. What was it? What do YOU need to work on? It's so easy, and feels good in the moment to make it all the other person's fault for an A... but that's so simplistic, don't you think? The A is just a symptom of a dysfunctional M. It doesn't CAUSE the problems...the problems were there long before OM. How will you be a different H if she comes back? Work on that now.
Slow down, Poirot. This is not a competition or the 50-yard dash.
The script ^^ in Dev's thread is a very strong boundary. You don't need to show your man card by filing a D. The way to do this is to state that you are not willing to live in an open marriage with OM. It is communicated to W and then the rest is up to her whether to end her affair to work on the M.
Please keep in mind that all of this is not linear. It is not a situation where one can work on a flow-chart where if a person does A, then do B, then move on to C, and to D. Nope. It doesn't work that way at all.
Buddy, you've been at this only a month. Give the process time and keep reading other people's threads. What worked for me is copying and pasting quotes, lines, and comments that I thought were really good in my flash drive. I've used a variation of them in my interactions with Ms. Wonka.
The main thing is to be your true, authentic self. That can be a delicate balancing act. It comes with reading, learning, and putting into practice some of the DB principles.
So for not...scrach your timelines and your threats to file for D. It will NOT work at all because you really don't want a divorce as you stated in response to Maybell's question.
What you can do is slow down the D train by not lifting a finger to file for D. The onus needs to be on the WAS to file for D since they want it so badly.
"BINGO" to all of that. ^^^ HP, this is all about learning to know what your true, non-negotiable core boundaries are, and then how to communicate and enforce them. It's NOT about tactics. When I made the painfully difficult decision to ultimately file for D when my wife was continuing her affair, unrepentant, it was because I was truly DONE at that point. And as fast as I was (and I was far less patient than most!) it was still 60 days of hard-core GALing, self-improving, affair-busting, boundary-setting and legal and financial protections before I had her served.
What I would recommend you communicate to your wife at this point is "Looks like we both have some big decisions to make. This isn't working for me either." Boundaries repeated are boundaries weakened, I always say.
And also? It would be great if you could use this time to think about what changes you could make, too. What reason could you give her to come back to the marriage that was unfulfilling enough that she ended up with an OM. Something was missing for her in the M. What was it? What do YOU need to work on? It's so easy, and feels good in the moment to make it all the other person's fault for an A... but that's so simplistic, don't you think? The A is just a symptom of a dysfunctional M. It doesn't CAUSE the problems...the problems were there long before OM. How will you be a different H if she comes back? Work on that now.
"BINGO" again. Think "dual-track," HP. You work on yourself while you learn to enforce your core boundaries.
NEVER put a timetable on it. At least not a communicated one (internal ones, for yourself, are not only good but healthy).
If you give a wayward "100 days to make up your mind!" they will inevitably take that as your tacit approval to continue their affair for 99 more days, at which point they will promise you the moon and the stars to let them back into the marriage.
Starsky
Thank you Starsky. I agree a long time limit makes no sense. I was thinking of an immediate time limit in this case (like end of the week) because I've already let this go on for 4 weeks after she said she would stop. Would a short time limit on a boundary still be a bad idea?
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Slow down, Poirot. This is not a competition or the 50-yard dash.
Thank you for that Wonka. The advice I read/get goes all the way from completely back off and let the EA end to dump her immediately. I do understand the need for patience with my W as I make changes to show the side of me she might like to reconnect with. I also know, though, that my W feeling respect for me is a major issue with her. She likes successful manly manliness. When I stopped leading and let life and her push me around is when her feelings for me dropped. I recognize now that I've not been the confident, I deserve better that this, man she married. I am getting back in touch with that. Whenever I show that side of me she responds. I deserve better than I W living in my home who is actively calling an OM. If I believe less than that... how can I successfully be my best me?
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
hP I have read all your thread today. Here I am an absolute newbie so the vets may say differently. But are you sure this is a core boundary that is infringed or do you just feel it should be one? In my sitch if I am unsure then detachment and observation serves me better. Taking decisions in anger and haste in my sitch have always backfired on me and caused damage. Detachment has helped and allowed me space to breathe and work on me without giving H any reward or drama. Deadlines and ultimatums can be timed for when you are ready and have thought through the outcomes. As far as I know there is no OW for my H other than booze, gambling and smoking to excess. Perhaps a correction to my view by a vet is needed? Regards Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/11/1410:16 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
NEVER put a timetable on it. At least not a communicated one (internal ones, for yourself, are not only good but healthy).
If you give a wayward "100 days to make up your mind!" they will inevitably take that as your tacit approval to continue their affair for 99 more days, at which point they will promise you the moon and the stars to let them back into the marriage.
Starsky
Thank you Starsky. I agree a long time limit makes no sense. I was thinking of an immediate time limit in this case (like end of the week) because I've already let this go on for 4 weeks after she said she would stop. Would a short time limit on a boundary still be a bad idea?
When I did my "re-confront" with my wife's deceit (she'd been lying to her parents and our adult children, saying OM was "just a friend" and making me out like I was unhinged/paranoid/crazy), I gave her all of 5 minutes to decide.
It really comes down to what you can abide, and how complicated & involved what you're asking for is. For me, it was "tell the truth," and that was something she could do immediately (in fact I offered to drive us over to her parents' house to talk to them). In your case, if you feel she needs some time to find a place to live, you could give her more time, but even then if the current situation is untenable for you you could say "and until then, I think it would be best if you went and stayed at your aunt's house."
