Diggin Deep

[Mighty]

Damn it! I hate my laptop. It is so on the fritz.... UGH! I was just finishing up my post to each of you. GGGRRRRR..... gone. It flakes on me. Par for the course.......

[Mighty]

OK, AJ, you are right. I thought I had the short & sweet down like a master. After I sent that text, I knew, I had too much, even though it was like two sentences.

But, I was so frustrated. I knew by saying "no" it was making me the b! I hate that. I was trying so hard to be neutral. But I realize it still had emotion in that.

The tables have turned. I have not given one reason so far for real projection. I have stepped aside and given him exactly what he wanted. I went out of my way and gone against my internal grain to stfu and show pma.

The "source' he is referring to is that I am now to blame for his r with the kids. That is bc s17 knows about surgery. Well, it is obvious that is not the reason for their r. I could give a thousand examples why, but that's not the point.

Now, for the first time, xh feels that he has a reason to blame me. I hate that. I know it is not true, so I really don't give it energy. But I feel slightly compelled to say that. But it is not an overwhelming compulsion to do so. It just slightly changes the dynamic. I now get the spew and blame.

Regardless, I am feeling better than ever. I am at a place that I dreaded for so long. I was quite fearful of reaching the place of being beyond xh. Not that I'm better, but I see myself as better. Not than him, but being a better person without him. I didn't want to get to the place of not wanting him back. But.... well...

I am also to a place where I am accepting things. I did want that. I was so nervous about the baby. I just wanted to be ok for when it happened. When I found out, I knew it would take a lot of work to be prepared for when this baby arrives. I am feeling so much better about it.

I had a really good weekend. I didn't go out or do anything, but I was so productive with change around here.

I made some adjustments to my bedroom. I love it. Nothing major, but made it my own.

I am loving myself. Really. I am being so much more of me. I am enjoying being with me. It is so weird and different. And, I am getting to a place I was really afraid of reaching.... but I love it.

I have had a few moments, granted, this weekend. But, I don't let them consume me. No way. Why would I let crazy take over me? I don't like that mess. I didn't chose that mess. I don't need to live that mess.

I am me. I like me. It's all good.

[Mighty]

AJ, you are so right with the messages. I blocked my work email, and I refuse to get that crap sent to work (even though it does- just to junk mail). And I don't want to talk to him on the phone. No way. Not worth it. I am working this part out. Right now, I would prefer my personal email for communication. But I don't see a reason right now.

Gwen, this stuff with the kids. Yuck. It is not fun. My d13 seems to take it more in stride, but she really does not have time for xh. She just feels bad so replies to his texts sometimes. They hate when he communicates. It is stressful to them. I know the feeling. Poor babes.

kml- thanks so much for the book recommendation. I will check that out. He is open minded to that stuff. I need to find something he will connect with.

Yes... I feel free and happy. I feel like I understand the high road. I am OK. I will be good. I am learning what I want in life. What I had with xh is not it. That is so tough to say. I loved what we had... that was so long ago. I don't think he even remembers that.... so.... it couldn't happen again.

[beatrice]

Mighty - regarding your son - we all do it a little differently. My bomb drop was years ago, and my youngest son is now grown up, but then he was 18 and it set him back, no question.

It was important to my son that I was authentic, and he once said, several years down the line, that if I had cared as little as his father appeared to care about the marriage and his family, he couldn't have coped.

Our grief ad hurt shows them that there really was a relationship, and that their parent changed. My xh didn't even go to his son's recent wedding, if you can believe it, although he was asked.

We all think that there is something very much the matter with my xh, that he changed, doesn't act as if he ever cared about us, and we are sad about it. I do not say bad things, but I do express my frustration at times - like the most recent attempt to sue me. ALl too much after all of this time. We are not saints, all we can try to do is behave like decent truthful people.I went through a period of encouraging my children to be kind and friendly to their father, but after he had rejected them all again, throwing it back at them I realised it really wasn't my business at all.

They are adults, and it is up to them. They would like a relationship but right now it doesn't seem possible, sadly.

[123Gwen]

Bea, I agree with you about taking a more honest approach with older kids. I have seen many friends have regrets about "protecting their older kids from the truth at all costs." The reality is that older kids don't feel protected in those situations and often times you are perceived as an extreme avoider or even lying to them.

I try to be neutral as much as possible but when it comes to the big stuff I am honest about the facts and that I may be sad or angry. I also tell them that we won't dwell in anger or bitterness. I think that approach has served us really well even though we are pretty new to all this. My kids have seen me upset but it passes quickly and there is such a level of trust among us. I think they really, really feel secure in that trust.

[Matt165]

Hi Mighty,
About the older kids....My D19 was in her Sr. year when my W dropped the bomb. It really hurt her in so many ways. Every plan she had made went away and she was left to fend for herself. She watched as her mother made EVERYTHING about HER, was always finding some reason she was the victim, the martyr so to speak since she was always so unhappy. She acted and said the most ridiculous things in front of her. She spoke to her like she was a teenager herself and it freaked her out. D19 had to make a choice to either put her life on hold or strike out on her own and she choose to be her own person. She is working so hard and saving for college and a car. She has had to grow up overnight because her mother can't think of anyone but herself.

Her relationship with me is great. She feels she can be honest with me and doesn't need to act different than who she is. With her mother she gets so angry because her mother tries to tell her all the things she is doing "wrong", how she should be doing this or that and it makes her angry because she see's a person who can't even handle her own life let alone tell her how to live hers! My W keeps telling her how she should move in with her but because my W wasn't thinking at all about her when she moved, she made a bedroom into an "office" that according to her sister she has never used once since she moved instead of a bedroom for D19. To live there she would need to share a bedroom with her 14 year old sister. She wouldn't have a car and there are no buses. She would have to depend on her mother and she KNOWS she can't. She couldn't when she was in high school, why would she now?

My W is acting towards D19 like her father acted towards her when she was the same age. Either do what I think is right or I'm not going to be part of your life. My W hated her father for this but she is doing the same thing to her own D now. To tell your 19 year old who is working 60 hours a week and barely making it that she can't afford $10 for gas so she can come visit when my W is making so much money is just sick to me. What is the point? To tell her D19 how wrong she is instead of telling her how proud she is that she is working so hard. To act like D19 should just not have any hurt from the fact that her family has been torn apart. To expect D19 to be GLAD her mother has finally left her father so she can be happy. To put her father who has never wanted to be a part of any of her families lives AHEAD of her own D. These are all things she see's her mother doing and just doesn't understand why.

My D19 still loves her mother. She wants so badly for her mom to accept her and love her for who she is but all she gets is her mom telling her what she needs to do before she will accept and love her. All she gets is her mother telling her what a burden she is. It's up to you to be there for S17. To show him that he still has a parent who loves him for him. Someone who understands that his life has been so changed by forces he has no control over (just like your own). He needs to know that he can escape the crazy with you. I think you are doing a great job so far. keep doing what you are doing and he will be fine.

[Mighty]

Wow, wow, wow! Thanks bea, Gwen, and Matt. It is clear that it is really a struggle for the older kids. They are aware of the hurt and destruction.

It is a fine line, and I am so glad you guys understand. There is only so much we can protect them from. I am glad that your son shared that with you, bea. I do think it is important for our kids to know that this is devastating. We can be sad and upset, but still be strong. I think it is safe to say that for our kids to express themselves and emotion takes a certain amount of strength. Don't bury it! We see what happens when you do that! It ain't pretty!

Great point also about the kids seeing that it is upsetting for a family to break up like that. Otherwise they will probably question the importance they placed on their own family, causing them to question everything. I think in a way, s17 has already questioned that bc his foundation crumbled, by choice, of the person he looked up to and was supposed to be his leader and protector. I want him to know it's upsetting and not right.

Gwen, I like your approach with your kids. I agree with being honest. I try to keep my kids from knowing any gory details. Really, they don't talk about it too much. So when they do, I just try to make them comfortable and try to get them understand that it is not about them. I listen and don't really say much except to guide them the way I have and what has helped me.

Matt, there are many similarities here. Someone said to me before, maybe kml, that the s in mlc tends to gravitate or become closer with one of the kids. Before nuke, when kids were still seeing xh, the stronger r was with s17. Then xh moved into his 2nd apt, he didn't even get a room for d13. He set up a bedroom for s17 and nothing for her. She stayed there once. Then made a comment about it to me and never went back. Then, less than 2 months later, he bought a house w hww. A 3 bedroom house. One for the happy couple, one for hww's toddler, and one for the unborn baby.

What about my kids? Can you imagine buying a house with bedrooms for someone elses kid and not your own? He told someone that he would build bedrooms in the basement. Nice. An after-thought. And this mother buying a house like this when she hadn't even met his kids. Ugh.

Now that s17 isn't speaking with xh, xh has been putting more effort into d13. Before he would text her only at night, but text s17 all day. Now he texts her all day. She responds sometimes. Not everyday.

The one thing about this whole deal, with the kids. Now that s17 knows about my surg... well... I don't know. It is the one thing that bothers me now. XH feels he has a reason to blame me for his problems with the kids. Before, I did everything I could to keep my nose clean. Now, a year later, he is using this as a reason to blame me. But, I have to say, I was not going to lie to my s and risk losing my integrity and trust to protect.... them. I kept it honest, but objective. I wasn't blaming or vindictive. It wasn't like that at all. What upset s17 the most (I think) was he asked if I told xh. I said yes. He asked if xh said anything to me about it. I said no. I could tell this bothered him. I said, in xh's defense, that there really wasn't much to say about it and I didn't expect him to. I just felt morally obligated to tell him. And that I sent it via email and that there is a chance xh didn't even see it.

Here I go.... rambling....

[Mighty]

I have to say that things are going very well. I have made some progress in the past few days. Things are starting to bother me less. I am digesting the idea of the baby coming. I wanted so badly to do that before it happened. I am getting there. I don't even want to waste energy on it anymore. What will be, will be (Que Sera Sera!)

I am also adjusting to the idea of running into hww. It is a reality that I have to face and be prepared for.

Now, I say I am getting there and that I will be ready. When the time comes, it may not be as easy as I'd like, but, it's whatever.

My confidence is growing. I have had this giant void in my life where xh was. I am filling this void. With myself. I like it. I am seeing some things in my m that I would never want in my life again. The rose colored glasses have come of when looking at xh. I am seeing some things in him that I don't respect. I think he and hww may be a perfect fit for each other. A match made in he11. Ha!

I am making changes... changes that I really like and enjoy. I am really starting to like myself. I can see growth in areas outside of my personal life, too.

Not trying to end on a sour note, but the one thing that lingers for me currently is the fact that xh feels that he can use my surg as the "source" for his damaged r with the kids (even though d13 doesn't even know!). I debate this in my mind... things I would say. But, if I stay quite, I'm sure it will pass. There have been things I've wanted to say before, and it has passed. However, with the given opportunity, sometimes it is the right time. For example, my 25 minute purge after the emergency meeting at s17's school.

Time will tell. Hope you all are well on this beautiful fall day.

[123Gwen]

Mighty I am new so not sure about all the details of your surgery. Regardless your H's choices is the reason he has a damaged relationship with the children. That is it in a nutshell. No reason to elaborate or pontificate. That is the plain, simple truth.

You are filling the void in your life and allowing him to move forward. That is your gift to yourself and your family in spite of tremendous pain.

You are not being anything other than authentic in every way. Not perfect but authentic. That is the plain, simple truth too.

[AJM]

Some thoughts as I catch up. You are doing well, Mighty. Good steps in the right direction.

But, I was so frustrated. I knew by saying "no" it was making me the b! I hate that. I was trying so hard to be neutral. But I realize it still had emotion in that.

See? That's not correct, Mighty. By even responding to him you are showing graceful intent. You do NOT owe him anything. He made his choices. He made it clear he wanted to leave. He made it clear he wanted to have the affair and start a family. If not directly, then indirectly.

You are not being a b! by responding in a business-like manner. You are being more than kind and courteous. You should be. You have nothing to gain by returning his anger or playing games. Think about that next time when you respond with short, to the point answers.

The "source' he is referring to is that I am now to blame for his r with the kids. That is bc s17 knows about surgery. Well, it is obvious that is not the reason for their r. I could give a thousand examples why, but that's not the point.

Now, for the first time, xh feels that he has a reason to blame me. I hate that. I know it is not true

And since you know its not true, what's really behind that feeling? Do you really still want him to wake up and smell the coffee? It's a bit late in the day for that, ya know?

I suspect like many, you have an expectation. A sense of fairness. A need for reconciliation (not relationship necessarily). But that's not fair for you to carry that burden he handed to you. It's his burden and his to carry. No matter how he tries to hand it to you.

Hand it back, Mighty. Once you do, you may see that his anger and frustration is his own doing. The words will change. The accusations will too. But the underlying reason will remain the same for him. Look past the words, Mighty.

I was quite fearful of reaching the place of being beyond xh.

Yes! That's really the basic fear of all of this, isn't it? The fear that we walk away. Not that they do, but that we do. Once you conquer that fear...

We are not saints, all we can try to do is behave like decent truthful people.

Yes. And once you have gone through your own stuff, often with a fine toothed comb, and come out the other side, you can look back and KNOW you are not perfect but that you did your best with what you knew to do. And for the times you were less than perfect even if you knew better at the time? You learn to forgive yourself. That's a great gift!

There is only so much we can protect them from.

But there is so much we can show them about how to deal with the curve balls of life. Integrity, honesty, grace...

I am also adjusting to the idea of running into hww. It is a reality that I have to face and be prepared for.

Now, I say I am getting there and that I will be ready. When the time comes, it may not be as easy as I'd like, but, it's whatever.

It's been said that happiness lies in that place between expectations and reality, Mighty. I'm not saying become cold and distant. Far from it. But appropriate expectations are important. In this case, has it ocurred to you that she won't be anything less than nervous about seeing you? You've been worked up over this and did nothing to deserve it. Imagine what it will be like for somebody that did what she did. She knows, or will know, that she built a relationship on lies and deceit. She built a family based on that selfishness. If not now, later she will feel that burden and it will make it difficult for her to face YOU. As it should be, Mighty.

Not trying to end on a sour note, but the one thing that lingers for me currently is the fact that xh feels that he can use my surg as the "source" for his damaged r with the kids (even though d13 doesn't even know!).

Stop and think about this for a second. That's stinkin' thinkin' if I ever heard it. A little perspective: if it wasn't the surgery, arguably when you need family around you, then it would be *something* else. Believe me, he needs it to be something. I say let him blame you for the relationship because of your surgery. Let him blame you for it because of the cat being yellow.

It's not important what he chooses. Know why?

There's no magic pill, Mighty. Wish there was. But there is the hard work of working through this. And you are doing it quite well believe it or not.

Keep at it. Before you know it you'll be making new memories and not having unmet expectations of your ex.

AJ