Edz - Tough Times ahead proceeding with caution

[edz]

winter, spring, some of the summer........



Had a good day with S
Went met up with W and S this morning at the cafe as S didnt want to play tennis and we all had toasted teacakes. W still very quiet with me but not so physically hostile muscle memory touched her hand and she didnt draw it away (still not wearing her rings but ive spoken about that before) interestingly she mentioned shes having a bed delivered here in a week or so but is only getting a double (we have a king) as she's moving into what was my office and moving S into our old room but she said Sam can have it later anyway. Not sure what to make of that if anything or why she said it to me. I had said I was keen not to double up on too much in case we do get back together as we'd have a load of stuff to store, dump or sell so seemed interesting but nothing to hang my hat on.

When we finished S and I nosed around the shops at Skylanders, games, consoles and generally then found somewhere selling removal boxes so I could pack up my DVDs tonight and then started to look at homeware shops as the rain was chucking it down. We are starting to work out what he'd like in his room and whether he wants a more "grown up" style room with a futon and more a lounge of his own that a small boys room (w always hated this idea since she sees him as her baby, he's my baby too but he's 10 now and I want to give him a space he can grow in) we failed utterly to find anywhere that had futons (so I can show him that they are low on the floor when used - he has asthma so this may be something he wants to avoid but we'll see). We had lunch, went to toys'r'us after him saying he definitely knew he wasnt getting anything, where he negotiated another skylander to add to his birthday list as its an exclusive he's been after and it was on sale..of course I folded..on the condition I keep it till his birthday of course.

We had a drive-by the new place so I could show him, he commented on the fact the surrounding area is a bit "built up" wit which made me laugh as he's been in leafy suburb areas for a while now and hasnt really lived in a "cityscape" since he was about 5, however he liked the side road the house is in and said it looks great and that I picked well so thats praise indeed. He said he wants to live there instead of the flat, didnt do much on that comment except reinforced mummy's time is important too and she wants to be with him as much as I do - cant be seen to not do that and he's not a game piece, I do of course actually want him all the time (and his mother too but this wasnt the time to say that).

Dropped him off after 7 hours together today (ran to my schedule and just texted W 15 minutes or so before I took him back, he didnt want to go but didnt cry this week which was good since it didnt set me off).

So will have a small dinner in a while (was a mcdonalds at lunchtime and no swimming tomorrow as - finally - W is coming round to run through furniture). Also I'll get my exercise finishing going through the garage / cupboards tomorrow anyway! Less than two weeks to the move now....Eek!

[edz]

S not Sam, thats typing on a phone for you...

[edz]

Course S's comments have now set me worrying about the house's location..should I have gone for less in a more expensive area? Of course this was all done at breakneck speed so wasnt exactly meticulous selection except looking at postcode, school, crime figures, house quality, parking, utilities, broadband, TV availability, storage, white goods, pets.....

Packed up 4 boxes full of DVDs...and have another boxload with no boxes to put them in unless I use one of the larger ones. Darn.

[South74]

Glad to hear you had a good day with son.

Funny how your W would pick layouts of rooms etc for your S. Mine was the same even down to colour of paint and wall paper even if kids didn't like it .

[jim0987]

Sounds like a really positive day with your S

Its standard fare I think. My W picked my D's room based on what she (W) and MIL like. I did mention that's not what D3 likes but was ignored. Changing it when W moves out...

[edz]

Well after a good day yesterday with S, today with W was predictably stressful and depressing. It's always good to see, W, I do still love her after all, but since her intention here is/was just moving on the moving me out and her into this flat it wasn't great.

She turned up and firstly said did I have anything to eat (since apparently M isn't feeding her - joke, I think) So cooked her eggs on toast and fresh coffee. We had a chat but it was soon apparent she didn't really want to talk about M or anything bar things relating to the moving. We ran through the furniture, couple of things I'm now taking which I was leaving, couple of things I was going to take which she asked could she keep here, nothing particularly controversial.

While she was here I asked her to split the vinyl collection as, after doing the cds, I couldn't face it so thought she could do it which she did, will double check it to make sure she hasn't got any of mine - not because of trust but because we both had a couple of duplicate albums so she may have taken both by mistake.

Finished packing the DVDs and some other bits today. That's where the good stuff ended as W was giving me a bad time on me not being able to be 100% sure I was moving on a certain date, pointed out I am working full time and will aim for this date but I do need the moving company to actually confirm they can do it and the cost. Hey ho, used to being the bad guy but I did push back on this and also pushed back on her accepting consequences. I validated and talked with her for a while but she started to say that what has happened and what she is doing now is nothing compared with my depressed behaviour in the past which she was unhappy with in the M.

I validated as much as possible but when she carried on saying that she needs to be in a position where she can decide what she is doing, when and with whom. I asked why she cant do that now, is it her mum that's stopping her or something else - she deflected that to say in the M I stopped her which, although I said nothing is, to be honest, rubbish. Pointed out that at no point have I ever told her she couldn't do something and, while I may have been in a depressed state (and had reasons relating to her treatment of me although I am not playing blame with her and just accept and own my behaviour and aim for a better me) if she wanted to do something she could and I pointed out she indeed went on a camping trip with her friends with S and went on holiday with her mum while I worked. She then changed the subject.

We did briefly cover what's happening post move and Christmas. As expected she doesn't want to come to me or share lunch saying it would confuse S - she seems to think everything upsets or confuses him, seems to be the other way around from my perspective but that's not a fight for today - looks like she has Christmas eve with S and Christmas morning I get afternoon evening and him staying over (at the new house) for boxing day (I will also push for the 27th if I don't get Christmas morning).

We spoke about what happens next (I kept saying she can stop talking, leave it or indeed if she had enough she could go and didn't need to talk about anything she didn't want to. She did carry on but the conversation was circular and she still seems confused on her intentions. Ultimately I said that at the moment we are married but not living together - she agreed with this, she told me that she has no desire to see anyone, hasn't been and definitely doesn't want anyone else (she just seems to be unsure if she wants me). When asked I said I'm building a new home with S and I and the door is open and she is welcome when and if she wants to walk through but I'm just getting on with things.

We did discuss whether she was seriously still thinking or whether this was one of her ideas to minimise pain (manipulation in my opinion but that's an accusatory word and wasn't appropriate) she denies this and indeed said "that sounds like me doesnt it?!", I resisted delving into the fact its not her I think of as manipulatory.

Lots of other stuff but a lot was circular.

Effectively held up my PMA and positive me, portrayed that I have hope for our future if she chooses that, for now I wont stress her out and she should work out what she needs but that I will carry on with my changes and building a new home with S in the meantime (this is to make sure Im not seen as a fallback plan, W takes it as I may decide to just move on if she spins it out too long, I havent denied that but whether I could do it I find difficult to believe at the moment, in 6 months - alone - maybe that view will change)

S's birthday tomorrow looks like he has a stacked day as he wants to go to a lot of events be with MIL/FIL for cake, see me and then go with a group of others to get pizza in the evening. W doesnt want me along for the evening event so I'll get a good few hours with him which is good (booked the day off as I can catch up with house move stuff)

W was backing out of the room in the end, a body language trait she has learned dealing with her M. I would have loved to talk more but ultimately I could tell she was getting emotional (she had to leave the room a couple of times and I think she was crying but this version of me knows not to follow or go into her personal space and be patient - she doesnt need or want my shoulder or reassurance at the moment) then at the end I could tell she was shutting down and veering toward getting defensive and angry, she also was getting jumpy as S was with FIL and apparently he has been rude to MIL/FIL and disrespectful. Personally I dont blame him and I can see whats going on, he's not buying W's excuses for their behaviour, doesnt excuse being rude but W is in worry mode over it. Between that and her emotions and defensiveness she then left quietly, learning from mistakes in the past I sat quietly in the lounge and just said drive carefully.

Sat there and fely sad for 15 minutes but then got myself up and finished some packing. Wrapped S's presents for tomorrow and then got on with dinner (Steak, roast veg, y'pudding - yum) watched the torrential rain.

Just chilling now, been abandoned by the cat who's curled in a ball ignoring me as cats do. W had asked me to look at her old mobile to see if it can be unlocked for S to use on some android games (not as a phone) which took all of 2 minutes, texted her to say that was done - W criticised me for texting / emailing too much today which (A) seems hypocritical as she keeps starting these conversations and I just reply and (B) seems to be her trying to enforce control again - no reply. Not (since I cant) going NC but I'm switching to only emailing / texting updates relating to the move that affect her or anything to do with S. Think for a while best if I just disregard her texts or facebook invites as she seems to be goading me into conversations which she then criticises me for.

So this evening, Sad but coping... not great but not suicidal.

[jim0987]

Sounds like quite a day. But reading through looks like you did alright.

Sad is OK for a bit

[edz]

On the subject of W picking designs etc, thats the joke of her saying she couldn't do things in our M she pretty much dictated anything that wasn't a technical question from decoration through furniture and layout and I made it happen. Certainly S seems really excited about having a "grown up" style room over previous efforts but he's quite clingy at the moment - which is understandable but W denies is anything to do with her choices and in some cases blaming my issues with him (which would of course explain him being clingy with me, her, mil/fil, no?)

W and I discussed his room today as well, she seemed apprehensive about the idea of him having computer access in his room, pointed out that if and when that happens there will be restrictions in place and also we've been sensible with him and safe computing all along (living room / office access with one of us about etc) plus I'm not planning on him having tv, console, unfettered internet access at 10 just setting up the style - although we will be building a raspberry pi music / media player as part of our IT we'll work on together and I may set it up for him to have NES / Megadrive (Genesis) emulation nothing more modern than that yet except music playback from the media server - maybe access to some of his tv shows later but TV/Internet/Movies etc will be something we'll all discuss and I would of course respect W's opinions and ensure as much safety as possible (and, of course remembering he'll soon be a young man not a boy and will begin to get curious on some things that are best not plugged into a search engine in his own room)

W seems to be having real issues dealing with him getting older and stopping being a baby, I completely understand this but have to ensure S is being given his own development space as well as W's opinion being respected.

[jim0987]

Its a theme in some of what I've read that people who can be controlling see that in others. Although that's apparently true more generally in that a lot if fears and anxieties are actually a projection of self

[edz]

Sounds like quite a day. But reading through looks like you did alright.

Sad is OK for a bit

Thanks mate. Not as sad or down as I have been even after today, main feeling I had (although Sad was in there) was frustration as W will not face her emotions or consequences of what she's doing. Will pop by South and Your threads a little later and see how you're getting on.