KGirl con't

[claire7]

K-Girl, I know that must have been so hard. I'm sorry, but I hope you feel proud of the way you handled that with such grace and dignity.

What a fool he is to let you go.
(((K-Girl)))

[KGirl]

Thanks, Claire. It's hard not to analyze it and wonder if I should have held back a little more (like not admitting that I had not given up on us and hoped it would work?) But at the same time, I was not OK with him contending that I had somehow given up/was OK with this. It was just the truth.

Yes, I do think he is a fool. Earlier today I was reading all of your comments and was really thinking to myself "these people don't even know me.. so they are just saying I am amazing and great and blah blah just so i feel better! Because if I was so great why would he leave me?" But after that conversation it solidified a little more that this is so not about me, and much more about whatever is going on with him (expectations of R? depression? early MLC? who knows, and I likely will never know, but it's probably not anything that anyone he would have been M to could have done anything about) It makes me sad to think that he really believes I'll be better off without him, and what part that plays into his decision, if it's a part of it. And maybe I will be, but how he is IS something he has control over.

[labug]

You did great!

And you're right, it's not about you. He wants out because he wants out. Marriage is work, some people aren't up to that.

About the meditation, I've done a bit of everything through all this, self-compassion helps in difficult times, anger-releasing is also good, but the back bone of my practice is returning to the breath, staying in my body.

Google tiny buddha when you're hurting and healing.

((( ))) We DO know you, perhaps better than your H, cause we've seen inside you, taken the time to listen to you, the real you.

[Bridge]

Hi KGirl--

Yours is another story I've been following. I think you did awesome. My H told me today he didn't want to go to marriage counseling and I had to turn around so he wouldn't see me start to cry. I'm not sure I could have handled the call you had with your H as well.

[Card29]

KGirl, I'm really impressed with how you handled that. Don't worry for a second about his "well it's been 6 months and no talk" comment. You know he would not have been turned by your pursuit. He knows you still love him and want to work on the M; the decision is all his. He may have just been trying to deflect some of the responsibility of his decision. Keep doing what you're doing, follow your own path, stay true to your beliefs, and if he's lucky, he will wake up before it's too late (and you've found happiness with someone else).

[KGirl]

Thank you all, again. I know I've been somewhat absent from posts lately. It's hard to give advice to other people when you don't feel like you necessarily know what to do in your own situation (and, working in a profession where you are't supposed to give advice but rather guide people to figure it out on their own, much like a counselor, makes it hard for me to do that in real life!)

Card - I am trying hard to put that out of my mind, and it's getting there. It did make me wonder if no contact actually backfired in some way, like making it seem I have no interest in him, but as you said, it seems to just be a way to deflect some of this back on me. If I had pursued him endlessly that wouldn't have made him come back either - in fact, when I did that after the beginning before I found DB, he said I wasn't respecting his decision and wasn't happy with me, either.

Part of me still does hope that something will happen before the D is final - we see it happen here often enough, even after someone has started the filing process. But I don't want to be crushed again, either. I only cried once today for a few minutes, got up and went places, actually ate food, so I was able to bounce back more quickly than in the past. What I've been repeating to myself is: this R was dead when H first told me he wanted a D back in December. This piece of paper isn't making that aspect of it any more final. Who knows what may happen in the future, D doesn't mean that things may not change, but I do know that H as he is now is not someone I really want to be with anyways. I value myself too much for that. And (this may sound awful, but I need to find some positives) making this legal will allow me to ease some of my financial pressures and will improve my life in several ways compared to being in "limbo." The payment I'll receive for him to buy the house from me could almost erase my student loan debt.

So speaking of H as he is now and not being interested in him... I found out today that a friend's H (we'll call him J) ran into my H at a restaurant on Wednesday. They each had a friend with them. According to my friend, H very casually told J, in front of their friends, that he was going to file for D this week, in a similar tone/way as if he was saying he was going to go get his car washed. When I told friend that H texted me on Friday about filing, she was astounded that H was telling people he was filing before even telling me, especially in front of other people. Eww. I think before news like that would have just crushed me. Now, sadly, it doesn't really surprise me, nor does it matter very much. I was a little tempted to call him out on it, but it serves me no purpose. Friend said "I know you want this to work, but honestly, he is so not worth your time. You are so much better than this. He doesn't deserve you." I don't want all of those thoughts to prevent me from working on myself, because it's easy to say "It's all him, he's just a jerk!" but I've been doing the work and I think I've acknowledged the things that are valid, while tossing the things he said that aren't.

In IC this week I'm going to focus on letting go of my anger and sadness over a few specific things that are holding me back (what H did above, and some things that are more about what other people will think/disappointing people than being disappointed in myself). And, how to go about grieving effectively rather than avoiding it because "H may come back, so I don't need to grieve! I can do that later!"

[Zues126]

The "he doesn't deserve you" comment by friends means well but misses the point. The point is you don't get the marriage longed for. Whether he was a prince or a toad it amounts to the same. If he was a prince, it's sad that you lost a prince. If he's a toad, it's sad that he wasnt a prince. Realistically he is somewhere in between, and what makes him a road is his decision.

K, I wish I could promise it will work out the way you want it. But I, like you, have realized that hope can be a form of denial. The balance lies in both accepting reality- that we control nothing and the world can't guarantee this M or any other to work out for us...without giving up on goals- making ourselves better to try to find out own happiness, then to share it with another, maybe even WAH someday. I think this is disillusioning for all of us so I have to remind myself that life is about wanting what I get, not getting what I want. But that doesn't mean I won't keep on my road and hope to find a woman someday with the character to match these forums followers.

None of us know ou well or can change your sitch or lessen you're pain, but we all know Kgirl is going through a tough time and are wishing you the strength to get through and find your happiness in those little day to day moments life will still give you.

PS- don't rule out anti-Ds. I resisted for many, many, many years. Turns out I needed them. I didn't think I was crazy until I saw how much easier it was for me to handle life after I was on them. I'm still me, it didn't change who I was. But I can handle emotions better. I feel them, they just don't make me long for the end. Like being outside on a cold night, I now have a jacket. I'm still cold, but the wind doesn't cut through me like I was wearing a T-shirt. Be careful but be open.

[labug]

K, how are you?

[KGirl]

I'm.. ok, I think! If I was rating on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being absolute despair/can't go on(which is how I felt Friday/Saturday) and 10 being the best I could feel, I'd probably be a 5. I've talked to two friends so far about H's phone call - the first one was on Sunday and I cried throughout. The second was on Monday and I didn't cry at all, so it seems I'm able to cycle through things a little faster. I feel more at peace now. I feel like I really did all that I could too, and at this point what H does is truly beyond my control or my influence. I'm going to IC in a few hours and have a list of things that keep popping up in my thoughts that are keeping me angry and holding me back from moving forward and accepting things. Hoping to get some ideas on how to let those particular items go. While this is not what I thought closure would be (I'm still somewhat stuck on not feeling like I understand why this happened), I think our phone call did give me some closure, just not in the way I was originally expecting it to be. Honestly, I think I just got tired of being sad and snapped out of it. I know there will be periods where it will come back but hopefully they will become fewer and shorter.

[Georgiabelle]

Hang in there K-Girl! You are doing great:-)