Some friends brought up to me that I should get out and start dating. I've though of that myself a few times and, not to sound weak, but the thought made me feel queasy. There is no way I could be with someone else. I haven't been in 17 years and don't really want to be.
But its been months since I have had any simple romantic affection. To me, that was always a key part of a relationship and my life. I'm a huggy snuggler who loves to steal a peck. A romantic, if you will. I miss it so much. While I could certainly try to find it elsewhere, I only want to give it - or receive it - from one person. A person who wants nothing to do with me.
I've wondered of late if I am simply obsessed with what I can't have. I don't think so. I have always felt this passionately about my wife. Every marriage goes through its ebbs and flows, but I am sure there was never a time, not one day, that I could say that I didn't love my wife. And, for the vast, vast majority of our marriage, I have been very much in-love with her.
Maybe its the romantic in me, but I always believed that love was supposed to conquer all. Maybe it's because I came from a rather screwed up childhood, that I always longed for that to be a truism in my life. My faith in that idea has been shaken to it's core and may be forever lost at this point.
As I mentioned somewhere above, I loved being a husband and dad. As part of a family unit. I really enjoyed that as my life-role. I guess I wasn't as good at it as I had thought. But I was sincere about any positive changes I made that I made. I just wish i would have understood the importance of the things I didn't work on or work on enough. I guess I really believed that love would always see us through, no matter what. I'm hoping, somewhere down the line, I can check the box that says 'true' next to that sentiment.
I guess I'm just venting a bit. I've been running a fever for a couple of days and I'm not quite right in the head, heh heh. Or, as my Mother in Law would sometimes say, 'I'm just putting it out into the universe'.
Saw my boy for a bit today. Spoke with the wife sparingly. It's weird...just a few days ago, she texted me with a funny anecdote about when she had gone to pick our son up from school. I brought it up to her and she acted like she had no idea what I was talking about at first. Then she make a half-hearted remark about it. I thought to myself, "you obviously thought it was cute enough to text me about and now you're completely disgusted to talk to me about it." I kept my mouth shut, but the emotional roller coaster is exhausting.
Another thing I noticed is that she always seems miserable, for the most part. I though for a while that was because of my presence (she told me as much once or twice), but even when we are around other people who are interacting with her she rarely smiles or has any enthusiasm. We were with with a bunch of her friends (her idea..stacking the deck, I guess?)to take all of our kids trick or treating (we were the last married couple in this group, interestingly enough. The rest have had multiple marriages each and all had recently separated from long term marriages or relationships. Interesting choice of pals at this time). She seemed miserable the entire time and instead of having fun with her son she spent all of her time kvetching with one of her girlfriends or texting. And she seemed miserable the entire time.
I was having a great time with all the kids (I'm kind of a kid at heart, I guess) the entire night, and even backed off a bit to give her space to have fun on her own terms with the kids, but she didn;t really take up on it. I guess she didn;t like seeing me having a good time, because at the end of the night she invited all of the group back to her place. Except me. Needless to say that ruined my mood. I'm sure she knew it.
I often did things to get her to smile or laugh or get out of her funk over the course of our marriage (I'm a pretty goofy guy when I'm not completely devastated...I miss being that guy, not just for her but in general). I feel terrible if my assumptions about her state of mind are accurate. I want to reach out, but I know I shouldn't. But, as Sandi said, she doesn't want my help, doesn't want my hand to be the one reaching out to her. If she wants my help, she'll ask for it.
My son has also recently started counseling. After she left our home, he started acting up in school. I kept insisting that he see a councilor, but she wouldn't take him saying it was what I fed him when he was over here, or my attitude when I was around him (I always try to put the cheerful face on, but he did catch me crying my eyes out one time), or the jokes we would tell, or the games that we were playing, or that I was putting him to bed too late, or something to indicate that his problems at school were my fault as opposed to the separation (which would, I guess in her mind, make it her fault). I'm guessing this is a part of the WAW thing.
Even if I didn't feel the way I do about my wife, I still would have tried to make the marriage work for his sake. Maybe easy to say as I have always loved my wife, but even when things got rough I never left or thought of leaving. My inclination was to find some way to work it out. Obviously, i didn't go about that the right way, but at least I can say I tried. I just wish I could have fought the right war as opposed to the wrong battles. He would have been the first kid in three direct generations (on both of our familial sides) to have not come from a broken home. Even my daughters are from a previous marriage (which is why I believe they have 'sided' with their mom. This hurts a lot, as I love them dearly as was as big a part of raising thme as she was). I feel like I have failed my boy. And my wife. And my family. And myself.
Please don't get me wrong, I am not taking an "I'm right/she's wrong stance". Nor am I attacking her. I'm just laying out my observations. I really want to understand...I want to help..and I keep going back to one of Sandi's replies in this thread concerning the disposition of the WAW to give me my answer. It just seems like a pretty dark place to be, and I wish she wasn't there.
Man, DB stuff is harder than I thought. I haven't initiated a text or phone call in a few days unless it directly pertained to my son. I also do not answer her texts right away. I am trying to mirror her responses (which are still cold or angry, I'm being friendly and confident and not pushing at all) and not reach out to her at all.
It's so contrary to what I want to do, but I keep remembering that what I want to do obviously hasn't worked. I feel so anxious inside, so very sad. It been so long since I received even what I can misconstrue as a positive sign. Even a small sign would boost my confidence.
I know I'm supposed to detach, but I am having the hardest time with that. This is all that's on my mind every day, all the time.
The holidays are coming. I suspect this will be the first Thanksgiving and Christmas that I have wanted to sleep through. And I love both holidays immensely.
John I was with my mine for 25 years. Good times and bad times.I havent heard or seen her in over 2 years. This is very hard stuff. But you cant let the depression control you. The holidays accentuate the pain and disbelief of the sitch. I remember them well. We all do the same thing, ruminate. We cant get the memories out of our minds. The traditions the smells.
I understand the hurt, the loss. Wish i could make it go away for you and everyone here. Thinking about her and your stich every waking hr will consume you.
Better holidays are coming. Just b patient.
My 1st two holidays were the hardest. I love tradition and they were broken.
Dont be hard on yourself.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Thank you, Rick. I've been trying not to think about the holidays, but as I see more and more Christmas stuff go up in the stores, I find my mind going in that direction more and more. I can barely make it through Wal-Mart without tearing up.
You're right about being consumed about thinking about the state of my marriage. It been months since I could think of anything else. The only thing that distracts me a bit is work, so I spend as much time as I can there. But all of the things i like to do remind me of her. The places I like to go to are the places we used to go to so I avoid them. My personal hobbies are creative ones and she was my muse (I wrote a LOT of songs about her or for her) so my pleasure in doing that had diminished greatly. I'm alone in the house we shared for 15 years, which is full of memories (I can't afford to get out or I would). Every street I drive down, everything I do, every place I go has a memory attached to it. I've tried some new things the we didn't do together, but funds are quite limited so the opportunities to do so are slim and I always end up thinking of how much more fun it would be if she were there. Plus, I don't have all that many friends at the moment (my primary hang out people become members of her family over time), so that limits some of my GAL stuff. And I know I need to GAL.
Let me toast (with coffee...it's 6am after all): a better holiday for us all.
I know the feeling well. I remember going through Walmart and tearing up. I can tell you that it will go away. It takes time. Right now you need grieve so that you can heal.
You do need to GAL. There are things you can do that are free. I went to counseling, church, divorce care group, I rode my bike. I was doing 14 mile bike rides. I talked to strangers I went fishing. i got a 2nd job.
There will be triggers. It is part of the process. You may feel that this is the end of the world. It isnt. hard to believe at your early stage. But things do turn around.
Get a GAL plan for the holidays. Keep posting my friend it will help you
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I hope it all goes away, Rick. Or that my marriage turns around and there's no longer a reason to feel this was (Wishful thinking? Maybe, but it's all I have to believe that this will all be worth it some day).
I have started to do some of the things you mentioned for GAL. I'm working out, doing nightly hour-long walks, counseling, and pulling some long hours at work. I've always talked to strangers, so that's nothing new, heh heh. I joined a divorce/separation group as well but haven't met them yet. I just find that I'm spending far more time alone than I care for...time like that only leads to thinking, something I'm trying to avoid as much as I can.
The loss of my family, as I sure you know as well I'm so very sorry to say, has left such a gaping hold in my soul. And I just don;t have anything to fill it with. I'm sure i will eventually, as you prove out, but for now it just hurts. Every minute of every hour.
Thank you, by the way, Rick. I sincerely appreciate your perspective and your sharing it with me. I look forward to reaching the plateau you found.
Good for u keep GALing. I do know how that gaping hole feels. When u are home alone and the walls fereconcileey are caving in on you. When you wake up in the middle of the night feeling out of breath. Your head spins all day. Cant eat. Cant think. The fear. The fear. Just consumes you.
We all came here to save our M. Many succed. Some very good friends of mine some who i met here are reconciling. Theres always hope.
She will not find u attractive if ur sad and depressed. A man cannot beg. It does not look good. (Im not machista).
Ps: the plateu u mention happens with time. You dont find it.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Sad and depressed is something I haven't let her see in a (short) while. The only time I see or talk to her is around my son. I am a pretty good dad, and know how to make him laugh, wonder and imagine. Something wife always said I was good at with all of our kids and something she admitted to not being great at. That's the only face she gets to see, and it's one that shows no sign of distress.
I was begging for a while. Not for reconciliation (well, a little of that....or a little more than a little), but just to talk and open lines of communication. I though it would be better for us all if she wasn't angry at me all the time and we could talk. This, of course, only served to make her angrier. I'm not doing that anymore. Not because I don't feel like I want to, but because it was - as I learned - counterproductive to what I was trying to achieve.
I'm living on coffee, Chinese food, beer and a sliver of hope. It's all I have, but at least I have that.
