KGirl con't

[bravo61]

i'm sorry for that k-girl. i've been where you are at and it sux. but i have been where you are at and i'm still kicking! you will too even if sometimes you will wish you weren't. praying for you. if you don't want to give up then don't give up.

[labug]

Of course your feeling like crap and I would guess you will for a day or 2 or 3.

That doesn't mean you aren't in a better place to handle this than you were when you first came here.

You've been through a lot and you're beginning to see your worth. H has no clue about that so should in no way be seen as a judge of your worth.

I had a pretty tough blow (work) a couple of weeks ago and it hit me like a ton of bricks, I was devastated for about 24 hours, literally in a ball, sobbing, couldn't sleep, etc. Then I went back to my meditation, changed the story I was telling myself and let it go. For a while I thought there was something wrong with me that I felt in control so quickly.

My IC who I had called for a unscheduled appt said I was fine, just not used to behaving in a healthier way.

I hope for the same for you, KGirl. You CAN do this.

[labug]

I'm reminded of this quote:
"If we can bring mindfulness to those moments in which we find ourselves moving down a tributary we didn’t mean to take, carried away by our emotions, we may be able to sense what is happening within us at that particular moment, stop, and perhaps change course, choosing a more relational and empathetic alternative."
~Myla & Jon Kabat-Zinn

[Georgiabelle]

K-Girl,

I'm so sorry to hear this. I know it sukks like a mo. I do know this. You are a smart, beautiful, kind woman who has handled this with grace and maturity. You have grown so much and I always love reading your posts. I'm not sure your h ever really appreciated what a prize you are and someone else will. I'm sure of it.

Cry. Eat some chips. It's okay. You are strong and will get through this better than ever. Sending you a hug and some frozen custard:-)

[Dawn70]

Kgirl,

I am certainly not a vet so I can't lend the great advice that some of the others can, but reading your story, it sounds a lot like mine and my heart goes out to you. My husband went from BD to S to filing for divorce in barely over a month and the day he actually filed I bawled ALL day long. All I can tell you for sure is what works for me and that is to just take it one minute at a time. I can see why becoming an alcoholic during this time would be easy, but I have resisted that urge/temptation.

Cry if it is what works for you and do whatever makes you feel good....if feeling good is even possible for you right now.

Hang in there, Kgirl. I don't post on here often, but there are a LOT of great people on here who have wonderful advice to give. My thoughts and prayers will be with you!

[KGirl]

Thank you all for your kind words.

I did get out of bed around 11am, took a shower. Then I kind of got stuck there. I got out of the the shower and looked at the curtain and the towels, which were both wedding presents that H and I thoughtfully chose for our registry, and broke down again. I know this is not rational and not my fault and no one judges me for it but I still feel so badly that so many friends and relatives spent money on us and it feels wasted now.. or like I somehow scammed presents out of them.

Hoping to meet the following goals today:
1) Get some sort of high calorie and delicious beverage at Starbucks, along with a pastry
2) Go to Target to look at Christmas trees and pick up the few groceries I absolutely must get.
I usually spend Saturday morning grocery shopping and clipping a bunch of coupons. Just not up for the couponing today, and that's OK, I can give myself a pass on that. I had to leave the Christmas tree behind because it's too big for my space, so finding a smaller one that will fit in my apartment seems like a fun task and hopefully not sad.

I'm trying to figure out what to do next to work through this pain and grief, if anything. Labug - do you do any specific sort of meditation for the type of situation you were in, or is it just general breathing/noticing thoughts type of meditation? I will for sure be making an IC appointment first thing Monday. I haven't been since June. I guess what I'm not sure about is whether to:
A) Still have some hope, because even if he does file it takes 4 months before it becomes final. Several posters have been in the throes of the actual divorce process and things turned around. In labug's case her H said at one point that it was time to get things "settled" but then that never happened. So it's possible that this is not actually going to go through... but if I hope too much I'll be setting myself up for some serious heartbreak and even more grief when it does happen
2) Get the grief work done now, and take care of things I had been putting off while I was "hoping"/standing. Things like actually changing my home address at work, putting in a USPS change of address, closing our joint checking account, splitting up our family phone plan (thinking about having to go to US Cellular with him to do that makes me nauseous, I hope there's a way to do it without us both being present), and maybe hardest in some ways... going through the boxes I have of relationship and wedding mementos and really putting those to rest. Right now if I look at those I'll just feel angry, so I'm wondering if I should wait to do that until a time where I can actually appreciate them or remember them as good memories... if such a time ever comes?

I am worried about my state of mind right now, so I'm hoping it's temporary and will become better in a few days, but if not maybe I need some more help (like in the form of anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication, I don't know). Thinking about going to do anything, even getting a Christmas tree, makes me think "Why even bother? This is all pointless. None of that matters." I know that is a big red flag and I need to be aware and keep people in the loop because I don't want this to spiral out of control. And I'm letting H's ideas cloud my reactions to that.. when the first BD came and I told him I felt like life wasn't worth it without him he said I was playing games and trying to manipulate him into staying by saying I'd hurt myself. I *think* that is not an unusual reaction when something terrible happens, as long as it's not sustained and you figure out how to cope with it, but his reaction makes me feel cr*ppier like I'm being manipulative, and I know I'm not. I don't care to tell him how I'm feeling. Must not let him determine my worth!

[KGirl]

H is calling in half an hour to talk about "things." Trying to stay calm and business-like and relieve the the shakey throw-upy feeling I have. Any recommendations for calming exercises or breathing?

I had googled grieving an unwanted divorce and one of the websites recommended asking the spouse for a letter or email explaining why so you can have closure. I would like to actually know, but I don't think I should ask him for a letter, right?

[T384]

KGirl-

I don't know all of your story but just wanted to give you some support before your phone call. Absolutely do not ask for the letter now. Act as calm cool and collected as possible.

I'm not a vet but I would let H do most of the talking. I imagine he is going to expect you to cry and get upset (rightfully so!) but don't let him have the satisfaction. Leave the conversation with him hanging up the phone scratching his head wonder wth?

You can do this, you have been doing this!

[claire7]

Don't ask for the letter.

Re-read this.
x1000000

K-Girl,

I'm so sorry to hear this. I know it sukks like a mo. I do know this. You are a smart, beautiful, kind woman who has handled this with grace and maturity. You have grown so much and I always love reading your posts. I'm not sure your h ever really appreciated what a prize you are and someone else will. I'm sure of it.

Cry. Eat some chips. It's okay. You are strong and will get through this better than ever. Sending you a hug and some frozen custard:-)

Give yourself a hug from all of us. Stay strong.

[KGirl]

OK. *deep breath*. Conversation done. I don't know if it was 100% dbing, but if nothing else I was authentic, and certainly not crazy. There were some moments where I was teary but I paused and caught my breath and didn't let it escalate into a tantrum.

One of the first things H said was, "well, it's been 6 months and we haven't really talked or seen each other, so I guess it's time we move this forward." Which is concerning to me, like I should have tried to talk to him, maybe? or he felt like that was the only option? Maybe I should have opened more doors? I don't know. I think we cleared the air on that later. He gave me the rundown of what he talked to a lawyer about. He asked me what I thought or wanted to do. I said "Well, I am sad about this, and I still don't want a divorce, but I understand that this is what you want, so I won't stand in your way" and told him I agreed with how he wanted to move forward.

H: I don't mean to make this worse but.... I guess I'm confused as to why you would still want to be married, after all this time?

That's a tough one to answer, huh?

Me: You've been a part of my life for a long time, and I do miss you and want to be married to you. I haven't been talking to you for the past 6 months not because I didn't like you or wanted to be divorced, but because there was really nothing more for me to say, and I know that it was really up to you. I didn't want to spend time chasing you. I needed to start building my own life.. but that didn't mean I gave up on the idea of being married. (So that probably wasn't all dbing but... several of his comments referred to me leaving and giving up, and I wanted to be clear that that was NOT my intent, in case that was driving him to do this. At some point when I was explaining this he said "But you did" referring to me giving up on us.... what the heck?)

H: I guess I understand that, and I'm glad you're figuring out how to live your own life. I didn't want to talk to you to get your hopes up at all. I mean, you were my best friend and I really wanted us to be friends but I understand you don't want to do that because you may want more.

Me: At this time, no, I really can't do the friends thing.

We talked a little more about some of the paperwork and other things that need to be taken care of (insurance, checking accounts, cell phone plan). Then we started talking about other things, that weren't really necessary, and maybe I should have refused to talk about those things, I don't know. But I also figured what could it hurt at this point? And maybe there'd be a slight possibility that chit-chatting with me would make him think a little. Who knows. He said he heard I got a cat and asked about him so we talked about cats for awhile. He asked about my sister's wedding and if she found a dress. He asked about my car. He asked about a lot of things, and maybe I should have asked HIM about some things, but I don't know that he's really done anything for me to ask about. If nothing else it did show me that it would be possible to reconnect and get caught up on each other's lives.

He did say that my mom was acting "crazy" at one point, so that's why he had to defriend her on facebook. According to him, she approached his mom at work (they work together) and asked her about an event she saw photos of on facebook, and then said "So did he talk about his wife at all? Does he ever call his wife?" and got all accusatory. According to MY mom, she just asked about the event and his mom got weird about it. Who knows. I didn't try to defend her or agree, I just said "you know, one of the things I've been thinking a lot about is leaving people to their own cr*p, whether it's people at work or family members. I can't control them, they need to take care of themselves." He said "yeah, I guess I've been thinking a lot about that too." He was also upset because a month or two ago, one of his aunts posted a really sweet and nice comment on one of my photos on facebook. So I messaged her and said "It's really nice of you to still think of me, given the circumstances." and she said "that's what family is for". What H heard was that I wrote to her saying "Why are you commenting on my post, given the circumstances?" It's interesting how things in his family get twisted around like that... and he was upset because he hadn't actually told those people yet!! I would have thought for sure by now all the key people would know. His attitude is that if they want to know why his wife isn't at events, they should ask, because he's not going to outright tell them. And if they try to dance around it and act dumb when they "already know", he's going to give them h*ll. OK, whatever, his problem. Kinda points to some interesting communication issues though, huh?

So we had a pretty friendly conversation for the most part. It was almost 2 hours long, a lot of it was just catching up and talking about things that have happened. Which is OK with me. I don't have any expectations and at least if it's our very last converastion, it ended positively and I feel like I did all I could. He said he'd get in touch once he has the initial petitions set for me to sign. I made it clear that I'll do what needs to be done and fill out my paperwork, but that I am not going to help him with the process or look into things for him beyond that. He was a little weird about that ("Well, I can see why I should have to pay the filing fee because it's my thing but.. it's going to get expensive." I refrained from any comment on that, go me!) but ultimately agreed he would be in charge of getting everything drafted and paying the fees/a lawyer to help draft the settlement part.

At the end I said:
Me: Well, I need to get going. I really do wish you well, and I hope you find what you're looking for. (I still don't know if I do but I can at least act like it, right?)

H: I don't know if I'm really looking for anything.. but... ok.

Me: Well, then I hope you find what you need to be happy. Or whatever you need. I think you get what I'm saying.

H: Yeah, I do. I'm sorry I am the way that I am. And I really do think that eventually, in time, this will be for the best and you'll be better off without me.

Me: Maybe that will be true. Well, goodbye!


I did feel a little better that he didn't try to blame me for anything (aside from a little at the beginning when he said something about ME giving up/walking away... which still makes me wonder if I should have tried to engage more. I don't think so though) and acknowledged that this was really about him. And maybe he is right. Maybe I will be better off. I do wonder about the being friends thing but I think for me at this point it would just be to try to get back into an R and that's too much pressure for either one of us. It would have to be purely to just be friends with no interest in an R.

So, I survived. I was brave. And I didn't ask him why or for a letter