Hello, all. My story is likely similar to so many stories on here, but I guess I’ll share it in the hopes that it may help someone else or – perhaps – I’ll get some help as well. I haven’t read the books yet, but they are in the mail to me as we speak and I have perused these forums a lot over the last few months.
My wife and I (she is 37 and I am 44) were – are – married for 15 years. We have two step daughters (19 and 17) from her previous marriage and one son (5) together. While our relationship was never ‘perfect’, I never once doubted my love and admiration for my wife and made it a point to show it every day through offering to make tea, pour wine, rub feet, watch the kids, talking, asking about her day and a great many other things. For the most part, I did all the things I had always heard that women like to get from their spouses; this was not because I was playing some sort of game or trying to win favor, but due to how much I sincerely enjoyed doing all of this things. My role, which I was quite comfortable in, was to be as good a husband and dad as I could be. I love my wife and I love being married.
A few years back, I hit a personal rough patch. I had some serious back problems (I couldn’t feel my feet for a couple of years until I had corrective surgery), then I was out of work for a bit, and last year had and beat cancer that the doc said should have put me in the ground (which started in my nose of all places; I’m thankful that I still look the same from the neck up…I had a great surgeon!). Through it all my rock, my inspiration, my happy thought was my wife.
Not to say that our life was all wine and roses. I had a habit of pushing my point too hard in arguments, not cleaning up the house as much as she would have liked, had some difficulty handling some very negative things my eldest daughter was doing (to the point where my daughter and I weren’t even talking for months…something I sincerely regret), I let myself go a bit and I wasn’t bringing in an income for a while as I couldn’t find work and my search was side tracked due to medical problems.
She wasn’t perfect either. She is the kind of person who keeps things bottled up and does not communicate well (or at least not in a way I understand), and holds on to resentments. She used to be very physically affectionate (which I always adored and openly appreciated) but that decreased over time. She also has a tendency to interpret words and deeds – negatively, I might add – as opposed to taking them for what they are. And she has an incredibly hard time admitting any wrong doing, even for something as simple as stepping on my foot my mistake; ‘I’m sorry’ is not something that easily comes to her lips.
Since May, just after our 15th anniversary, I had noticed that my wife had started to become more distant and cold. She seemed to be angry with me all the time and would snap and get loud fairly often. This situation continued to progress this way for months. Then I found out she was having some text and facebook flirtations with a few guys that she knew. I didn’t see much, but what I saw upset me. She claimed that she would stop the flirtations, but never really apologized, saying that she stopped these flirtations because they weren’t ‘right for her’. I admittedly became super clingy, to the point of following her around the house. This made her angry, but I was hurt and couldn’t I seem to help myself.
I thought I was doing a lot of great this at this point, working oretty hard on myself after some serious tribulations. I was working on rebuilding my relationship with my eldest daughter, I started to play open mic acoustic guitar shows, and I finally found a decent job and began to pay off student loans so I could go back to school. I thought this was a great time to kind of rebuild the foundation of our marriage as I was certainly in a much better place within me and was doing things to improve myself. We had been under a lot of financial stress as well, something I know weighed heavily on her and she was resentful towards me for, but I though the new job would kind of turn things around
We tried some counseling at this point, but it just turned into me begging for her to simply listen to what I was saying and her getting angry and closing herself up.
Just about 4 months ago, she told me she loved me but was not in love with me and was leaving in a week with the kids. I eventually came home to an empty house after work one day. As I have no family where I am (save one uncle who I am not very close to) I felt like I was losing my family (not just her and the kids, but the in-laws, aunts, uncles siblings and grand-parents that had been a part of my life for over 15 years), my heart, mind, soul and very existence.
She claims that she has been unhappy for years and that she can’t remember any of the good times we had. She makes it seem as if all we ever did was have bad times, when I can remember thousands of amazing memories as clearly as if they happened yesterday. I remember the rough times too, of course, but I remember so many great moments that I wonder if she is…well, a bit crazy that she claims to not remember wonderful moments between us.
I tried to give her space, as that what she asked for, but wasn’t all that successful at it. I was hurting more than I ever have in my life (and I have been through some really bad things) and likely behaved too clingy. The one hope I had is that we agreed to not take off our rings, date or have sex – with anyone - until we figured out together what we were going to do with our marriage. She did make some indications that we might be able to work things out. Then the engagement ring came off. Then the wedding band. And during the last four months we have gone from being on decent speaking terms to her simply being angry, stand-offish and incredibly cold towards me with every interaction we have.
It was probably a big mistake, but I tried to simply get our friendship back to see where things would go from there by inviting her out, texting her (about simply things like daily life) and simply trying to talk. Just about every day, I text her in the morning with a ‘have a good day’. The most I get back is a thanks, with no reciprocation, if I hear from her at all.
Admittedly, I got very frustrated (and angry) at her resistance to these small and simple overtures. As well as getting agitated when I saw each ring come off. Then came mention of divorce. She will barely talk to me now unless it has something to do with my son. Even a simple ‘how are you doing’ or ‘what are you up to’ is met with pure anger. I have grown to believe she hates me at this point. Or it feels that way, at least.
The worst part is I have no idea why. I know that we were in a rough patch, and she mentioned some things to me, but nothing that – to me at least – would spell the end of a 15 year marriage, nothing that couldn’t be worked out with some communication and effort. I never hit her, was never an addict (until recently, I barely drank over the last 15 years), didn’t cheat on her (except for a short emotional affair that never became physical almost ten years ago that happened during a very strange and convoluted time in our lives…and I ended this), did not hide things or lie, didn’t ignore her or brush her aside, was not verbally abusive (although our arguments were fiery at times), supported her in her school and career, and did all the little things to show my appreciation and affection for her that I mentioned earlier. I sincerely have no idea where all this anger is coming from. When I ask her she just gets angry, denies its there or hangs up on me if we are on the phone. In all honesty, I’m more than a bit confused as to why she left in the first place. I didn’t see anything that couldn’t be worked out, and she simply aint telling.
Maybe its me, but she also seems to be making me out to be a bad person – unwarranted, I think - to herself and her friends and family. An example would be that she recently asked me if I could help her out financially…something I haven’t been able to do very much of as my own bills and expenses have been piling up. I didn’t hesitate before saying I would do everything I could to help out. The next day I found out from a relative that she had gotten on FaceBook to attack me for not offering any financial support. She had also blocked me from her FaceBook that day. It was posted before she even asked me. When I confronted her about it she said that she felt like I had not given her anything (which I had…small amounts, but all I can afford). I pointed out that all she needed to do was ask and communicate and I would try to do what I could, which is what had happened previously. She claimed that I should just assume she needs the money and just give it to her. In my mind, all I could think of was that we wouldn’t be in this position if she didn’t move away. The thing is that she took the time to publicly defame me before she came to me or communicated. I wonder if this is a defense mechanism to make me out to be the ‘bad guy’ to make her feel better about her choice to separate or to fuel her ‘people’ to come to her defense and back up her decision to leave.
The last few months have been terrible. I hurt all of the time. I don’t sleep. I have been drinking quite a bit to dull the pain. I don’t have more than a minute in any given hour when my thoughts don’t drift towards all of this. I’m still in our house, and sleep in our bed, and the memories overcome me constantly. I cry a lot…and I have never been the crying ‘type’. Ive been going out a bit, exercising and socializing, but there is simply no joy in my life or in anything I do at all. I’ve become distracted at work to the point that there is now pressure on me to bring my performance up to par. Nothing at all brings me any sort of joy…not even my wonderful son, who I love with all of my heart.
I’m soon to begin therapy (which I can barely afford right now, but I sincerely need to do it even if it means missing a few meals a week) in a couple of weeks (it’s the earliest appointment I can get). But I would have thought that after 4 months some of this hurt would begin to subside just a little bit. But It doesn’t. Ever. Not even for a moment. It just gets worse.
I just want my life back. I want my family back. And I want my wife back. I really, truly thought she was my soul mate, my best friend, the woman I would grow old with, the last face I wanted to see before I left the planet. I have been deeply in love with her for a long time and – although I’m not even sure why anymore after all of this – I still feel that same love for her. And all I get back from her is pure loathing. Maybe I am not that bright and am missing something, or I am suffering from some serious self-delusion, but I sincerely have no idea why things have gotten to this point. I always have thought of myself as a decent person, having some flaws and quirks of course, but a generally good man at the end of the day… but this has made me question what I actually thought I was or am.
Like I said, the books are in the mail. In the mean time, any advice or some insight as to how this has gotten to where it is and how to work towards knowing the love of my wife again would be appreciated. I am not ashamed to admit that I am a complete mess over all of this. Thank you to any who read my hopefully not too long winded story.
Expect that your perspective on your marriage and separation will have to change drastically. Your explanations do not add up to what is happening to you. If she left you, it means she wasn't getting something inside the marriage. It's more useful for you and your chances to reconcile to think about the things you've done to get there, because that's where you can act.
Start exploring her perspective. If she were here to tell us why you two separated, what would she say?
(Also, quit pursuing ASAP - she hates it!)
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Hey john, sorry you are here. You have some very good advice offered to you already. Only thing I would add would be to read the sticky on sandi's rules. They will help guide you until the books come. Also, you gotta stop pursuing, that means no more texts, no more phone calls, no more begging, no more asking for assurances. You are going to be mysterious and let her come to you.
Me 28 W 27 T 10 M 2 No kids (fertility issues - mine) Bomb 7/20/2014 - EA Confirmed W moved out 9/15/14 W dating OM 11/22/14
@Sandi: I thought I could deal and finances being what they are right now, held me back as well. That and a pile of self-pity too.
@Mozza: I've asked myself the same questions many times so far. I think she would say what I mentioned above: pushing too hard in arguments and trying to 'win', the estrangement of my daughter and I, lack of income for a while and maybe not doing some of the household stuff she wanted me to do. And maybe how clingy I became, as I mentioned above. Maybe, due to my health problems, she felt like she had to take care of me even though I never asked her to...I know that can be stressful on a spouse. There may have been more, but she never told me.
I own up to my own faults and damage I've done to our marriage. I'd give a great deal to make up for them, that's for sure.
@Hoju: I've already begun doing that in the last few days. It's really hard as I am a 'talker' and just want to reach out to her; although her voice pains me to no end right now it still comforts me at the same time.
Thank for the replies so far, folks. It is sincerely nice to know someone is out there.
I've been carefully reading over Sandi2's 37 rules (thank you for putting those together, Sandi2)and I keep coming back to #32 (Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.) a lot.
This, from my wife, has been something that has troubled me greatly. She has gone through great lengths to re-write our history, claiming she doesn't remember any good times between us or making negatives out of things that should be positives. In my original post, I pointed out how she made me out to be a 'bad guy' in a FB post even though it was an untruth.
I'm not trying to throw blame on her for dwelling on this, but I am trying to understand why a person who chooses to separate from some one who doesn't would need to go through such mental gymnastics. Maybe its explained in the books (I'm still waiting for them to come in the mail), but I just don't understand it.
Is this demonization an alleviation of guilt? Does it stem from anger or hate? Does it mean that the person was simply untrustworthy to begin with or is just a state they find themselves in? Is this a part of the unjustified (in my mind at least) 'wall of anger' I have come up against since she left?
Her actions along this line have hurt me greatly, and they are very hard to simply ignore (although I'm trying)and I'm just trying to understand where its coming from. Is trying to find rational reasons for irrational actions a lost cause?
hey John, thanks for stopping by my thread. Just read thru your posts and the thing that stood out to me is the difference you see in your past than your W. Remember everybody has their own perception of reality. I believe it was 25 who wrote about a trip she was on with her H, luckily I saved it so I can share with you:
Quote:
So, no "why's and How's" if it's about a choice they made/are making.
They don't help US. Also, there are times in these ordeals that a WAS/MLCer will say something that revises the marital history AND OR
reveals how THEY viewed an event. It's not the same thing. Sometimes the same event really is experienced very differently.
EXAMPLE: I've been in the car with h/family on a long trip. One afternoon of it we drove up into the Pacific NW. I was the passenger, he drove.
For h the trip was stressful driving,worrying about some fires, and the traffic was heavy at times.
The kids were either sleeping or discussing their musical tastes, which is not of great interest to H or me.
FOR ME, the scenery was breath taking. I read aloud to h, which he requested I do. But we had really different feelings when the drive was over.
Same drive, different experience.
I'm pretty sure many of us have had these same thoughts, perfect example for me is our family trip the summer before BD. I had a lot of fun, he said it "was ok." In retrospect he may have already been "talking" to other women, not sure.
I guess my point is, don't focus on what she is saying, doing, thinking or her rewriting of the past. Focus on you, moving forward, making yourself happy. And because I'm much better at giving advice than taking it, don't beat yourself up with all the questions (as 25 said why's and how's). You may never get the answer to those questions and if you ever do it will be a long, long time from now.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
I’ve been running Mozza’s question through my mind; not being able to sleep leaves one with a lot of time to think.
I can be sarcastic at times in my humor. I recall my wife reacting negatively from time to time about some of that. I also used to be very opinioned…not so much over the last couple of years as I went through a re-evaluation during my cancer scare and a lot of the things I became fired up about didn’t really matter as much. Maybe that, with some fiery rhetoric, may have had caused some bad feelings, but I haven’t been that ‘involved’ in any topics like I used to be.
We both decided to go back to school, and we did. She graduated, but I was held back by my failure on an algebra class (I am TERRIBLE at math). I failed it twice and was forced to go to a remedial course, but we couldn’t afford it at the time (I was told my student loans wouldn’t cover it and it had to be paid for out of pocket). We focused on her getting her Master’s and I played support until that was done. Months before she left I had begun to pay my student loans, which were in default, so I could go back to school.
I also went through a period where I was kind of quick to anger mostly due to my frustrations at life in general as I couldn’t seem to catch a break for a long time. But that was years ago and I sincerely believed I had overcome those inclinations.
I can see where these things could cause resentment and a lack of respect. But these were situations from years ago. The last couple of years I made huge strides in many places in myself that I didn’t (and she didn’t) like. This is why her leaving – and the anger from her that followed - came as such a shock to me. I honestly thought that my efforts put us on more stable ground. But I guess, upon reflection, she may have checked out a long time ago and simply didn’t notice.
Even with those things, I was always affectionate, always emotionally available, always going (at least in my mind) that extra mile to make her comfortable, help her relax or get something from the store at 2 am. Like I said, I loved being married and enjoyed my role immensely.
I know that I caused damage to our marriage, but I honestly though that I had gone pretty far in repairing that damage and shoring up my shortcomings. I became a lot closer to the guy she fell in love within the last two years than in the previous two before that. I can’t say my efforts were for nothing. They made me open my eyes and become a better person at the end of the day. Maybe I wish she had noticed it more. Or that I could travel back and make sure that she didn’t need to.
I’m sure I’m just dwelling a bit here, but I am really trying to understand not just why she left but where her anger is coming from. Understanding that may give me more to work on towards reconciliation.
Here's more from 25's post, should've put it all in there to start. Good advice for you!
Quote:
Sometimes the WAS/MLC will say something that reveals to us how different their experience was AND OR that we played a role in hurting them even if we were not the only cause.
A good response to first learning this, is "Wow, I'm so sorry I hurt you. If I had it to do all over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently." It CAN be okay to add in, that you did not know. But that can lead you to places you don't want...
IF they say something you really disagree with (or cannot recall at all), you can say essentially the same thing as above
But insert first: "Wow, that's not how I recall it all , but I"m sorry IT hurt you. If I had it to do all over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."
Both responses accept that YOU would make some changes, (so the marriage would be better/different than the one they are leaving....)
Neither response escalates the discussion and both validate the spouses perception. And you don't feel insane or like a doormat for agreeing with something you do Not agree with.
And finally, just b/c you don't recall something they claim you said, or did, does not mean your memory is better than theirs or that they are lying.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
