Gogofo - no longer piecing 2nd BD

[sandi2]

I don't know that reviewing the past with a WAW is the right direction to take if you are hoping she will consider coming back to the M. B/c of her resentment, it invariably will take a bad turn. It's like messing with a hornets nest.

[gogofo]

Yes, I am beginning to understand just how reviewing our past hurts and angers her.

[gogofo]

W came to pick up kids this morning. I was pleasant, asked a couple of questions about her and her cousins' visit, talked about some truck repairs I have going, and talked about our oldest's first quarter report in school.

I wished her a good day out of town (on the trip I was supposed to attend) and left.

She gave me an interesting look when I told her I hoped she had fun, maybe she didn't expect it (I don't know). I meant it and I do hope she gets a handle on her feelings and emotions and I hope they level out.

My talk last night with my DB Coach went well and was inspiring, but they always are. She gave me some hope when assessing my W's actions, even when signing papers. She said she did not sound like someone who is ready for D, but she may have made a decision in a highly emotional state which is not a good idea.

She also said that she needs space and that she probably did feel pressured by me when working on the R. When she didn't feel pressured by me she was feeling calm and enjoying our R, but when pressured she feels uncomfortable with her angry feelings and does not like how she feels.

Hopefully we can talk on Saturday about how she feels. I just want to listen and my coach guided me on some things to say and not to say and good questions to ask to understand how she feels.

One big tip she gave me is to ask what she needs, NOT what she needs from ME, but what she needs right now. And if she said she does not know, instead of offering suggestions (like I have in the past and backfired) just let her know that when she comes up with something to let me know.

GAL tonight is to watch my college football team try to win, emphasis on try. Tomorrow is to try and finish up all that I can on my bathroom vanity plumbing.

[labug]

You know what her feelings are, don't you?

The more you push for what you want, the more resistance you're going to get.

Accept her decision to D, and work on you.

I know this is difficult but I can feel your need to control this through the interwebs here.

Leave her be for awhile.

[labug]

Didn't she invite you on the trip or did I misread a previous post?

[gogofo]

Yes she did invite me on a trip, we had three planned in the next three weeks.

Today we were supposed to go and stay overnight out of town to take her cousins to the airport. I was sent a text message Wednesday night that said "don't worry, you don't have to go I am taking my SIL". We were both excited to go and even talked about it on Monday night. We had planned on having a lot of fun.

Next week we were supposed to go to a concert, but I have zero hope that it will happen.

She told me to plan our Thanksgiving, so I did. Then she told me on Wednesday that she did not want to do Thanksgiving together. She would have kids the beginning of the week and I could have them the end of the week. This was after I asked if she would be okay with going out of town Wednesday through Friday of that week, she agreed to go.

So yes we did have quite a few trips planned, but now she signed the papers and is separating her from our existing plans.

I know I need to leave her be for awhile. The sad part is that the D papers could possibly go through in 4 weeks. I think she made a decision empassioned with emotional pain and I know me pushing or her feeling pressure from me will only validate this decision for her.

I need to be brave and take on the Law of Surrender. It was suggested I read it by my coach. I need to be brave and accept what I cannot control. It will be difficult, but I think it will be the best for me and my W.

I know that I cannot be the one to show her the repercussions of her decisions, she has to realize this on her own at her own pace.

My last mistake was thinking she was ready to increase the pace of working on the R. If I was more in tune and not working emotionally I would have just enjoyed the situation and moments were we sharing. I do believe we would be on the trip together today if we had done this.

She was resisting my pulls on the rope, I did not realize I was pulling until she pulled hard the other direction.

[gogofo]

I find it interesting that when we feel dark or down about our M we will look for any little thing to give us hope. My hope today came from my W engaging in Scrabble with me again on our phones.

Shouldn't be getting my hopes up, but I will not lie that it feels nice. She hadn't played a word in the last 4 days. I know it means nothing and I should not get my hopes up or get expectations, but I am smiling.

As my DB Coach said last night, she hasn't completely disconnected from me and the fact that she may want to talk on Saturday is a positive sign. She said a lot of times when someone files they are completely done and do not want any interaction with their spouse.

[gogofo]

Just got home from watching football with my friends. Had a lot of fun even though my team lost. Now I am home in an empty house and fuming about my situation. From what it looks like my D could be done in 20 days, unless I drag it out which depending on the terms she has asked for, it most likely would not benefit me. I don't think she is going to ask for much, not even half of what I have.

I am just so disappointed in the both of us. Me for being so self centered and blind to her love during the marriage and her for not seeing what it is we have now and not working through the past. F@$k I am upset, I feel like we both failed each other and I feel like the answer to our problems is in front of us but she is choosing D and I am choosing working on the M.

Don't know what to do or feel right now. I know there is still a small glimmer of hope, but it seems very dim right now.

I feel so sad, am I allowed to feel that way? I guess I am entitled to. A couple beers and a bad M does not do so well on my emotions right now. I just feel like unloading on her. That would definitely be a 180, something she really has never witnessed me doing, going off empassioned with emotion without regard for others feelings or DB techniques. It would feel good for a couple minutes that's for sure.

Now to lay in bed and see if I can cry or at least get passed and rid myself of these emotions and thoughts. Don't need to feel this way if she comes over to talk tomorrow.

[25yearsmlc]

Just got home from watching football with my friends. Had a lot of fun even though my team lost. Now I am home in an empty house and fuming about my situation. From what it looks like my D could be done in 20 days, unless I drag it out which depending on the terms she has asked for, it most likely would not benefit me. I don't think she is going to ask for much, not even half of what I have.

I am just so disappointed in the both of us. Me for being so self centered and blind to her love during the marriage and her for not seeing what it is we have now and not working through the past. F@$k I am upset, I feel like we both failed each other and I feel like the answer to our problems is in front of us but she is choosing D and I am choosing working on the M.

Don't know what to do or feel right now. I know there is still a small glimmer of hope, but it seems very dim right now.

I feel so sad, am I allowed to feel that way? I guess I am entitled to. A couple beers and a bad M does not do so well on my emotions right now. I just feel like unloading on her. That would definitely be a 180, something she really has never witnessed me doing, going off empassioned with emotion without regard for others feelings or DB techniques. It would feel good for a couple minutes that's for sure.

What if you let her see your sadness and loss, your vulnerability (but in a dignified SAD way, not fuming in anger)?

What if she could see just your loss and sorrow, the compassion you feel for the loss YOU Feel and the loss you know she'll face b/c when all is said & done, you know down deep how very much you love her. And if the m ends, she really will lose something precious.

What if you let her in, without "unloading" On her?

Now to lay in bed and see if I can cry or at least get passed and rid myself of these emotions and thoughts. Don't need to feel this way if she comes over to talk tomorrow.

[gogofo]

I know I will not be fuming at her, but how do you show sadness and loss in a dignified way? I know I don't want her to get the idea that I cannot go on without her or give her the impression that I am needy.

How about saying something like

"I am just so saddened and disappointed at our situation. We have so many great connections between us, I will be sad to see them go. This reconciliation process has been painful and difficult and has shown me areas in my life where I need to improve, regardless of the outcome."