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A Message from Michele
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Re: Need help. Jefe's confused pt 4 [Re: Jefe] #2504418
11/05/14 03:06 PM
11/05/14 03:06 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
J
Jefe Offline OP
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Jefe  Offline OP
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J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
OK, Blogging.
Hope, this one is for you:

Originally Posted By: Jefe
Wife just called. Asked how my day was, I asked about hers. She asked about the kids day. That was pretty much it.


I should correct this. She actually sent a text that said: "Call me if the girls are asleep." So I called her.
Yes Hope, it does appear that she is trying to communicate. She said at the end of the call that she just wanted to check in on the girls, but if that was the truth she wouldn't have waited till she knew they would be asleep to send a text like that.

She then texted a little, an hour after the call, just mostly money questions.

There were several voice/text interchanges this morning as well. Keep in mind, I almost NEVER initiate any conversation, I let her do it. Only times lately that I have done so are the 2 of the 3 days she hasn't called to tell me how her day went.

Transcript from this morning following a call she made 20 minutes prior (to speak with the girls):

W: I told you we are going full days on the weekends now right?
W: As soon as we get these new drivers trained we will go back to A/B schedules.

M: Yes. You're going to be tired.
W: Yes. I already am just thinking about it.
M: I bet so
M: & W: {banking questions and answers}
M: I hope y'alls trucks are in good repair and have good tires and whatnot. Be careful out there in this rain today.
W: Yes I usually drive a new one.
M: You get a different truck everyday?
W: Sometimes because I'm not assigned yet
M: When are you going to be assigned?

No reply.

She is clearly reaching out for communication but wants it short. So I don't know what the he11 she wants.

For the rest of you guys, the only thing in this I see as pursuing is that I didn't end the conversation first, I let her. I normally do.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Need help. Jefe's confused pt 4 [Re: Jefe] #2504430
11/05/14 03:30 PM
11/05/14 03:30 PM
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 2,148
T
theoden Offline
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theoden  Offline
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T
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 2,148
Jefe,

This whole situation is exhausting and will drain you emotionally and physically. Try and take care of yourself. Easier said than done. Detaching is hard. Right now the ONLY thing that matters is getting your wife back -- I get it. I was there. Hard to believe I could even function.

Not knowing what to do makes it worse. Not knowing how long your wife will remain in Limbo, chasing after other men, away from her daughters.

Your wife is acting in a way that is damaging to you and your children. I suggest you make plans to secure your daughters' safety, security and future with you. See a lawyer. Start logging evidence of any infidelity, her time with the kids, etc.

At some point Jefe, if this doesn't resolve itself soon, you will need to start listening to Starsky very closely. The "nicing" your wife back into the marriage is not sustainable for long -- you will collapse from exhaustion. Starksy saved his own marriage and has seen hundreds of people on here walk the same path you have. Trust him on this.

My hope is that one day you'll wake up and realize, "My daughters and I deserve better than this" and take steps to secure a good life and future for your family on YOUR terms WITH OR WITHOUT your wife. You may still be open to your wife returning, but instead of scrambling around trying to figure out how to be the perfect husband (trained seal act) and blaming yourself for all this mess, you'll be resolved in moving forward and living a great life regardless of what your wife does or doesn't do.

Your mindset is to remove your wife from the equation and move forward AS IF she isn't going to be in the picture. These may be slow steps, but they need to be taken to protect your girls. Your wife may not be aware of these steps. She may only sense a few of them. She will slowly get the sense that you are moving forward and she either gets on the Jefe express, or she's going to miss the boat (to mix a metaphor or two).

Right now, your wife is treating you like an option, while you are making her a priority. This dynamic is debilitating to you and unattractive to your wife. I know there's something vaguely romantic about you keeping the home-fires burning, being the rock, saving the family and being all "Christ-like" while your wife wanders off in a far country meeting men in bars, neglecting her daughters. If she's sowing her wild oats, this may be a long-haul, and there's no guarantee your wife will snap out of it while you "stand". My ex dropped the bomb in 2006 and only got worse. Her last two boyfriends were ex-cons and one of them had a drug problem. My main goal eventually was protecting myself and my children.

My prayers are with you.

Theoden


Last edited by theoden; 11/05/14 03:34 PM.



Re: Need help. Jefe's confused pt 4 [Re: theoden] #2504441
11/05/14 03:56 PM
11/05/14 03:56 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
J
Jefe Offline OP
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Jefe  Offline OP
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J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
I get no sense of oat sowing and I base this on the fact she did that when she was young, we both did, and based on our track record together. She running from herself and that can't sustain itself for long either.

You are correct, though. The ONLY thing that matters is putting this family back together. But I am listening.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Need help. Jefe's confused pt 4 [Re: theoden] #2504442
11/05/14 03:57 PM
11/05/14 03:57 PM
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 343
GA
B
Bunches Offline
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Bunches  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 343
GA
^^^^^Totally second all of this. I just went through a year of not being able to follow advice because I couldn't get over my need to be the 'nice guy'. It doesn't help and isn't attractive and delays your recovery. Listen to these guys, I wish I had.


M: 36 W: 31
Married 9 yrs.
T: 11 yrs.
Son 8 yrs. (w/ Autism)
Bomb Drop 10/22/13
Divorce final 6/15
Re: Need help. Jefe's confused pt 4 [Re: Bunches] #2504468
11/05/14 04:48 PM
11/05/14 04:48 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
J
Jefe Offline OP
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Jefe  Offline OP
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J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
I'm just hurting, alot. I'll pull out of it, I just need some time to regroup.

This is not the life I wanted for my children. I simply can't believe that this is the life my wife wanted for them either. I hurts to believe that this is what she wants to teach her daughters about being a woman, a wife, and a mother. This IS NOT the woman I fell in love with.

I'm hearing what you are all saying, just give me a minute...


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Need help. Jefe's confused pt 4 [Re: Jefe] #2504478
11/05/14 05:19 PM
11/05/14 05:19 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
J
Jefe Offline OP
Member
Jefe  Offline OP
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
Guess I'm setting a new record for how fast I can fill a thread to 100 posts. Less than a week on this one.

The new one:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2504477&#Post2504477


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Need help. Jefe's confused pt 4 [Re: Jefe] #2504552
11/05/14 07:35 PM
11/05/14 07:35 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 151
F
FunDad Offline
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FunDad  Offline
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F
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 151

Hey Jefe - The detaching really does get easier the more you force yourself to do it. I was setting up myself for hurt in a few ways however and maybe you can avoid it. I had some pictures of W around, that would trigger the pain and hurt. I put them up, so I would see them when I wanted to. I used to look at her FB page often, I stopped. I realized I'm missing fun time with the kids, I started doing more stuff we enjoyed. The payoffs of that are amazing: smiles that daddy read me a story; notes that say I love you; son's that want to play with you; plans for the future pop up with the kids show up and it's great. Get your favorite music available and get into to it. Pandora is great. Go back to the Jimmy Evans website also, he's got lot's of great stuff. Most importantly, don't spend too much time alone in the cave of despair. If you need some good stories to listen too, look up Garrison Keilor, he's an amazing broadcaster that will life your spirits for sure. Above all don't fear, realize who's in control, what your purpose is, and what faith in Him means.


Me:40
W:39
M:Dec 95
Split: Jul 14
W Filed: 9/16/14
Several Children
(including adopted)
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