Blogging: She didn't call last night. So she's withdrawing. Whatever.
I'm feeling the anger build up in me. Anger for the stupidity of this whole thing. Angry that I'm having to deal with OUR children solo and listen to her little jabs about how I do it the few times when she comes over.
Just pointless anger.
I have an early teacher conference today about D7 so we can discuss why she's falling behind in her homework. Because daddy's not doing a very good job, that's why.
No freaking sleep, appetite going south...
Gratitude list: My children are healthy I have food, clothing, and transportation We have a roof over our head My wife at least calls most the time
God, walk with us today. Pick us up when we are weak. Give us the strength to face whatever comes today. Give me the words when I can't form them. Show me my next step. Your will, not mine be done. AMEN
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Well, that was slightly humiliating. So here I am sitting in this tiny little chair at a desk designed for 6 & 7 year olds talking to D7's teachers, fighting hard to stop the tears with moderate success. Then her English teacher gets to the point she can't even look me in the eyes anymore because she's starting to water up a little. I lost my fight at the end. How embarrassing.
Meanwhile, the W is texting because she blew all her money already and is wondering when "we're" getting more. I love this woman more than words but sometimes...
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
This is still really fresh for you and like any wound, it's still very painful.
It's particularly hard when you have to talk to someone--anyone--about the realities of your situation. You are a human being who is living with a deep emotional hurt. The tears are going to happen.
Just so you know, it does get better. The more you can detach, by accepting what is instead of what you wish it was, focusing on yourself and not trying to influence your wife, putting a little distance in there if needed, the better it will get.
It took me several months before I could talk to anyone about my sitch without bursting into tears. And it happened everywhere, at a friend's retirement party, at my doctor's office, the library. All anyone would have to do is start asking about my husband, or comment on my sudden and dramatic weight loss, or ask how things are going with the remodel...
Then again, I'm a girl.
But then the day came where I was able to talk to our handyman briefly about the situation without completely losing it. (He asked why my H hadn't done any of the work to move our project further and why things were in such a state of disarray around the property. I just came out with it.) And I realized that I was getting better because I didn't start to tear up until the very end.
He--by the way--said, "Your husband is NUTS! You're such a sweetheart and--Look at you! Women like you don't come along very often. He is a fool and you can tell him I said so."
I didn't, of course. What I did say is "Why don't YOU tell him?"
Now I can just say "I'm hanging in there, thanks for asking. H is having a hard time but he's still my H." and change the subject. No tears now. It's been a year.
If there is any way you can train your mind to think of anything BUT your W and your sitch, do it.
The more time you can get focused on other things, the less that stress and heartache will manifest itself in your body and the better you will feel.
BTW, I got an rx from my doctor to help with sleep and generalized anxiety. I think it made a huge difference. I could finally sleep and wasn't throwing up all the time. My heart wasn't pounding.
I still have my "moments" but I am eating and sleeping so much better, and my mood is better. I feel more in control.
It's not for everyone, but if you need it, do it.
Better days ahead. Believe it.
---(G)GGG
PS: For me, things started to turn around once I kicked my H out of the house. (He'd filed for divorce and served me on my birthday; I figured that was a good enough reason.) But not having to be around him every day made my emotional state so much better. I could detach, not seeing him looking at me with those cold, shark eyes, not having to bite my tongue every minute, not going off to the bedroom to silently rant... or cry.
Jefe--Make plans to be with friends, travel, go out more, whatever you can do to log in more positive times for yourself, and more space between you and your W's actions. It will help.
Again--don't be cold or indifferent. Just be busy doing things for you. I mean, she's doing things for herself, right?
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
1. You caught your wife sexting with someone. Confronted her, she moved out of your house.
2. You are caring for your kids, more or less solo.
3. There's an OM in the picture.
4. You are trying to romance/pursue her.
5. You are afraid that upsetting your wife or having boundaries, or confronting, will set you back or have her bolt.
OK here's my advice:
1. Do the GAL activities to get some sanity so that you are not basing your happiness on whether or not your wife texts you or what mood she's in. I've been there dude. Every sentence is analyzed every tone of voice either lifts your spirits or crushes you. You are acting needy and afraid. These are all turn-offs for your wife. She can smell your desperation, which only gives her more power in this situation. In Christian terms, you have made your wife an idol.
2. Stop pursuing her. It's a turn off. It's also enabling her as a cake-eater.
3. See a Family Lawyer/Divorce Attorney right away. This is important to protect you and your kids. Know your rights, get information, learn what to document. You should, in my opinion, document evidence of your wife's affair, the time she does/doesn't spend with the kids, her move-out date, the spending of your marital assets on her new affair life-style. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
4. Think through the worst-case scenario: a divorce. If that happens, ask yourself, "WHAT DO I WANT?" Complete custody of the kids, shared custody, keeping and living in your current home, etc. Think his through. IF you are caught unawares, continue to live in denial, and get dragged into a divorce, you will end up broke with the OM raising your children. If there's going to be divorce -- you set the terms. Be prepared, just in case.
5. Start talking to Starsky about setting healthy boundaries for you and the kids. You wife has got to start to feel your detachment (last resort technique) and your willingness to move on WITH or WITHOUT her (GAL and boundaries). Always being available and acting like a lap-dog won't build respect.
6. If you are being all "Christian" about romancing back your wife, think through the whole biblical counsel. You are focusing on the 70 X 7 stuff but ignoring that she isn't repenting or asking for forgiveness. You are looking at Hosea, but forgetting that he went and bought his wife back (something you can't do. Nor are you necessarily called to be an OT prophet). You are looking at the prodigal son story, but forgetting that the son has to come to his senses. You also must consider that sin (like adultery) destroys the family and the church. Nowhere in the New Testament do they advocate "nicing" a sinner into repentance or enabling them. Matthew 18 advocates an escalating form of confrontation with consequences. All the Pauline Epistles advocate "avoiding" and "handing over to Satan" an unrepentant sinner in-order to shame them in to returning to the faith and their community. People need to be made to feel the consequences of their actions. That's why it's called ex-communication. You withhold communion to wake a person up. So the practical side of Christian teaching on people like your wife is: turn up the heat. And I would argue that this is more loving that allowing a person to hurt themselves, their family, their church and their witness to the Gospel. Speak the truth in love. If you are dragging God into this, then take him seriously.
7. Get mad. It's healthy. Don't wallow in it, but it's OK to admit you are being royally screwed over. My Christian therapist once spent a whole session trying to get me mad about my wife's affair, to at least see if I had a healthy, functioning sense of self.
7. I say all this, admitting that I took the same path you are taking and made some of the same mistakes.
1. You caught your wife sexting with someone. Confronted her, she moved out of your house. Sexting OM1 (D&7's bio dad) Noting other than this going on here. I think it stopped immediately.
2. You are caring for your kids, more or less solo. Correct
3. There's an OM in the picture. Possible OM2, not sure the extent.
4. You are trying to romance/pursue her. I guess. Not really sure.
5. You are afraid that upsetting your wife or having boundaries, or confronting, will set you back or have her bolt. Partially true, yes.
Let me read the rest of the post and I'll respond to that separately. Just wanted to tidy up the jist of the sitch.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
6. If you are being all "Christian" about romancing back your wife, think through the whole biblical counsel. You are focusing on the 70 X 7 stuff but ignoring that she isn't repenting or asking for forgiveness. You are looking at Hosea, but forgetting that he went and bought his wife back (something you can't do. Nor are you necessarily called to be an OT prophet). You are looking at the prodigal son story, but forgetting that the son has to come to his senses. You also must consider that sin (like adultery) destroys the family and the church. Nowhere in the New Testament do they advocate "nicing" a sinner into repentance or enabling them. Matthew 18 advocates an escalating form of confrontation with consequences. All the Pauline Epistles advocate "avoiding" and "handing over to Satan" an unrepentant sinner in-order to shame them in to returning to the faith and their community. People need to be made to feel the consequences of their actions. That's why it's called ex-communication. You withhold communion to wake a person up. So the practical side of Christian teaching on people like your wife is: turn up the heat. And I would argue that this is more loving that allowing a person to hurt themselves, their family, their church and their witness to the Gospel. Speak the truth in love. If you are dragging God into this, then take him seriously.
I do take him seriously. My wife quit her position at the church to pursue other more lucrative employment, not faulting her here. But it was also because she knew they were about to make some kind of move or stance about her separation from the family. She quit going to our bi-weekly bible study. She has just about quit going to church at this point, alienated her closest friends that were taking a stand against her leaving. She has all but stopped talking to her Al-anon sponsor. She has started hanging out in seedy parts of town with questionable people (OK inserting my own villainous persona on them) and sees the kids maybe twice a week for short amounts of time. If she not seeing another man she's certainly courting one. Seems like she's trying her hardest to destroy the marriage as fast as she can, on purpose. All while she posts nice Christian memes on Facebook.
Now, I'm not just a hapless victim. I have been a horrible husband and I own most of the garbage that got us here in the first place. So lest anyone think I am trying to demonize my wife, I'm not. I'm just trying to save my marriage.
I take my Christian walk very seriously and she used to, too. She brought me to God and together we have increased our walk 1000 fold.
I am open to any and all suggestions, but a one shot last resort style maneuver is not where I'm at, yet.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I am open to any and all suggestions, but a one shot last resort style maneuver is not where I'm at, yet.
Then you're not "open to any and all suggestions." That's cool; you are certainly the one who has to live with the consequences of whichever approach you take.
Jefe, I too prayed -- DAILY -- for God to change my wife's heart. Ultimately, it turned out that He was trying to change mine, first, and teach me to work on some pretty unhealthy behaviors that run deep in my family (I am the child of an alcoholic, with lots of other alcoholics in my family, and I come from a long line of "pleasers" and "Mr. Nice Guy" types).
He also was prodding me to take a stand for holiness in my marriage, and let HIM work on my wayward wife. Letting her go, and -- in prayer -- "laying her at the foot of the Cross" -- was the single hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and I still remember where I was when I did that (I was mowing my lawn, and bawling like a baby in my backyard in the hot Florida heat, tears streaming down my face).
I was lucky, and surely blessed. God never gave up working on me, and my wife did ultimately soften her heart toward me and toward God, and we reconciled. It took a LOT of work, over several years, but today -- 7 1/2 years later -- our marriage is stronger than ever.
But it started with me. I had to learn to take a stand for holiness in my marriage and in my home, and I had to learn how to set and enforce healthy boundaries. It STILL doesn't come naturally to me, but I'm happy to report that those skills that I learned while DBing have served me today, and now I've begun to teach them to our adult children, for use in their own relationships and business dealings.
Ultimately, DBing says to "do what works." Just make sure you don't define "works" as "my wife being nice to me." Instead, look for things that cause her to make demonstrable moves back toward the marriage, and toward her family.
