She's very stubborn (which I used to think was cute), so I think it's going to be very difficult for her to admit she made the wrong choice. If I make the road home smooth enough it may be easier for her.
M 16 T 17 W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14 ILYBNIL 5/14 A discovered 6/14 D papers served via USPS 8/14 Filed my response 9/14 D final 5/15...
It may, but I am hoping otherwise. I'm hoping she's experimenting, since she's never expressed same-sex attraction before. The OW is a lesbian and was pursuing my wife.
M 16 T 17 W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14 ILYBNIL 5/14 A discovered 6/14 D papers served via USPS 8/14 Filed my response 9/14 D final 5/15...
Quick question: What exactly does "detachment" mean? Is there a definition of what it entails? Does it just mean "indifference"? Is there something I can tell myself? I know it goes hand in hand with GAL, but I find that when I'm not GAL, I'm still thinking about the situation at all times. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, and I'm thinking about it. This has been going on for more than five months now. It's definitely getting easier, but I see some people who seem to have successfully detached in a matter of weeks. Right now I'm trying Starsky's "I'm already dead" suggestion and trying to tell myself "I'm already divorced."
M 16 T 17 W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14 ILYBNIL 5/14 A discovered 6/14 D papers served via USPS 8/14 Filed my response 9/14 D final 5/15...
I'm by no means an expert on detachment. But for me it means not being so 'attached' to a particular outcome - ie: reconciling. Being more detached means being prepared to gracefully accept whatever the outcome may be. It means realising that you are not dependent on your partner for your future happiness - and that you will ultimately be happy whatever the outcome - although it may take a little while for that to be the case.
To feel your own happiness is completely dependent on your partner is co-dependency - not a good recipe for future happiness.
Detachment for me also means being a little more removed from the emotional drama of the situation. ie: not getting swept in and up and down depending on what is happening with your partner. But being a little more emotionally removed, centred, balanced and focused yourself. Choosing how you respond instead of getting all swept up and reacting.
I think it really takes ongoing work to detach and it isn't easy. I feel I manage to 'appear' quite detached. And sometimes I feel more 'detached.' But other times I don't do so well.
I also think it is the difference between 'needing' someone and 'wanting' to be with them..
Hope this helps :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks, Toots. So have you ceased caring about the outcome?
I'm absolutely certain I will be okay. I mean, I've been without my wayward wife for more than five months now, and I'm not even close to death. My problem is that I still deeply desire reconciliation, and it causes me to have terrible emotional instability. I read the other day that in most if not all of the examples of reconciliation on these boards, the LBS had, to paraphrase, "quit giving a damn." Perhaps that is what I need to do. I guess it is best, because then my wayward wife will have to win me back, which is really what needs to happen, anyway.
M 16 T 17 W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14 ILYBNIL 5/14 A discovered 6/14 D papers served via USPS 8/14 Filed my response 9/14 D final 5/15...
Well, I think my emotions will stabilize once the divorce is either averted or final. I'm not generally an imbalanced person. It's this hoping that she will come to her senses that is killing me. Waiting on mediation and hoping she changes her mind before then is very difficult for me. I have no communication with her, so I have no idea what's going through her mind. Of course, even if I had communication with her, I guess that would be elusive as it has been for so many others who are still living with their spouses.
M 16 T 17 W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14 ILYBNIL 5/14 A discovered 6/14 D papers served via USPS 8/14 Filed my response 9/14 D final 5/15...
My problem is that I still deeply desire reconciliation, and it causes me to have terrible emotional instability. I read the other day that in most if not all of the examples of reconciliation on these boards, the LBS had, to paraphrase, "quit giving a damn." Perhaps that is what I need to do. I guess it is best, because then my wayward wife will have to win me back, which is really what needs to happen, anyway.