Jim, I know you are struggling and feel hopeless. But I believe this M can be saved. You are your own worst enemy at the moment, b/c all your focus is on her. You give her the power to control your mood at any given time. You feel you can't be fun b/c she won't participate. You get down b/c she has negative opinions about you. Sweetie you have to stop it. Nobody can control you but Jim! It entirely up to you how you will feel.
You have not detached emotionally from her. Detachment is to help you become self-sufficient or emotionally independent of an attachment to her. In other words, the R with her does not define you as a man.
If I have given this copy already, I apologize. But in case you haven't seen it, please study it and really see yourself in it.
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."
IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -
We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks mozza and Sandi. No matter how many times im told to detach I still need to be reminded fairly regularly.
Im doing much better, had a lot of fun with kids over lunch. Also had a conversation which went OK I think.
W: is there any lunch for me? M: of course, if you'd like W: I didn't know if that would be OK? M: why wouldn't it? W: I thought you might want me to sort my own M: its up to you there's plenty if you want some W: well I didn't want to presume M: its fine if you want some. I dont mind either way. I've never been 'that' person W: I know. I didn't mean to suggest you were.
I'll work on detachment. It is harder to be living together but I see the positive that she can't not see me be different. And I've always entertained the kids - its so easy to make my LB squeal with excitement.
Thank you for helping me with this. I'm keen to learn.
Last edited by jim0987; 11/02/1401:19 PM.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Boundaries are new ground for me so its a work in progress, But the ones I'm most comfortable with at the moment are
- I won't let my W speak to me with contempt and just let it slide
- I will parent my way which means taking them where I think is appropriate and telling people to not interfere when what I'm doing is fine. (W wants to jump in at the slightest hint of naughty by my kids - they are tiny, it happens)
- my movements will be decided by what I'm comfortable with rather than what I've been guilted into
Detachment is mainly about my GAL but also taking a bigger picture as to whether things actually matter. I don't do well on this
My scorecard Good: GAL, parenting, willingness to learn, IC, increasing emotional depth, vulnerability, analysing and learning, more self confidence, giving W space
Bad: detaching, boundaries, optimism about M, not snooping, PMA, boundaries, Detaching. (Deliberate repeats)
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I am a bit confused by this though Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
I want in to bailing out so this is contrary to my thinking.
What does contempt mean to you and how have you identified that this is over your boundary? I prefer your view contempt rather than mine which is to perceive abuse. Is this mind Reading? Thanks Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Difficult to describe exactly but for me it is along the lines of:
- when my opinion is considered to have less worth than others. I can be wrong thats fine its when a value judgement is made. Worse is when its suggested I have no right to an opinion.
- when I am made to feel second class for something that should be equal
- when I am sneered at or threatened for standing my ground.
I've allowed too much of this then sulked about it or resented it. From now on I need to to either assert my position or let it go completely
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
A couple of things to think about (I'm being nit-picky here because you seem to want the input, so I apologize if I'm overloading you with information.)
Beware of using rhetorical questions or questions in general that are of a personal/emotional/relationship nature.
"Why wouldn't it?" might just open a can of worms. It sounds a bit like an opening to a R discussion or provoking some "thoughts" for your W. Be careful with that. It can seem manipulative to her.
Best to say "I made some lunch, please go ahead and help yourself."
No need to say that you're "not 'that' guy" either. It comes across a wee bit as "poking" her with reminders of how you are a good guy and "tell me why you think it would be weird..." kind of stuff.
Just be careful. It didn't blow up on you but it could have gotten weird. Don't put yourself in a position to find yourself on the defensive. Asking questions and making statements about your character, no matter how trivial, can all have the same effect. And that is to create pressure and seem like pursuit.
Best to phrase everything as if you have decisively made up your mind and just be clear about it. Keep the talking (about her, you, the R) to zero if you can.
Practical questions about the children that must be addressed is all you want to engage in right now.
You're doing great. Keep it up.
As for the boundaries, some of the above statements are about how you don't want to be treated, but not as much about how you will handle it.
Expect her to be disrespectful, to discount your opinions, to threaten, and escalate. Mostly these are just words, and words from her are pretty much meaningless. If you react, it shows that she can push your buttons and get you worked up to where you do or say something she can point to and say "See! That's the kind of thing I'm talking about." Don't feed the beast.
You should not engage with this stuff. That's not "backing down" or condoning it. It's just that every little thing isn't worth going to the mat over.
Right now it's like you're her father figure and you're being a pain in her butt. In her mind, you're judging her and keeping her from her fun. But meanwhile, you're supposed to love her unconditionally.
Best to be prepared that she will act like a hormonal teenager and try to pick your battles. If she outright disrespects you, you can stop, look her right in the eyes, hold your hand up as in "stop" and say: (firmly, but not aggressively, keep your body language strong but calm) "I will not be spoken to in that manner." and walk away.
If she follows, leave the house, take a walk, whatever you need to do. Of course this is harder when you have young children but you should have a plan in case you find yourself in this predicament.
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Nit picky is fine with me. People keep saying small actions carry far more weight than big words. Thank you for 'adopting' me
She was starting to push my buttons in that conversation because if the way she was heavily implying that I would deliberately exclude her by being petty and selfish. Maybe i was reading too much into it but thats how it felt. I kept it as friendly as I could in a 'its really not a problem' tone
Im trying to find that balance between letting disrespectful comments/behaviour slide (not dignifying it with a response) and firmly saying its not acceptable. I've decided that enforcement will be I leave. I'm 99% confident she wouldn't escalate in front of the kids.
Leads me to a question. As every other night since BD, as soon as the kids were in bed she went to her room to text PF (I need a better nickname) and left me to do all the tidying. Now I'm torn, I haven't said anything and just get on with it. This feels right from a being detached perspective but it also feels like I'm being to 'nice' about it. Views on whether I should do anything or just carry on. I should say this isn't a 180 I've always done my share of the tidying.
Good day today for me though.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
That's how the convo sounded to me, too. Like she was fishing. "I didn't know if you'd allow me to eat any of this food, that you hate me so much you won't share..." blah blah blah.
Trying to get you to say/do something, whatever that might be.
Are you saying now that she's dumping the tidying up on you so she can go text her "friend"?
That's not right. If there were no prior issues in your M where she complained about you not pulling your weight with the housework, then I wouldn't pick up her slack.
Maybe just do half...
I'd focus on making great meals and enjoying your time with the children. As for the cleaning up, maybe that can wait until later because you've got other FUN plans!
Maybe she'll surprise you and do it. Maybe not.
Of course, you don't want to let the place fall apart because a good dad would make sure that everything is safe and clean. But that doesn't mean it has to be done RIGHT THEN, know what I mean?
Maybe leave things overnight and if she says anything, say: "Well I promised I'd read the kids that special bedtime story and we were having so much fun I forgot all about the dishes. But they can wait until tomorrow...." and end the conversation.
If she doesn't like it, SHE can do the tidying up.
(This is only because she's off texting this person, not because she's busy working in other ways. That would be totally different.)
But you don't want to taken advantage of.
If it continues, you can say "I'm happy to cook if you're willing to clean!" and come up with a new recipe, let the kiddos help, and see if she'll pitch in too.
(No pressure, just friendly. If she declines, she'll be missing out on great family memories. Her loss!)
----(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
