Just got back, and it was really nice just to hang out with someone, no pressure. He is a really nice guy. Attractive and easy to talk to, but no sparks on my end, which is just as well, since I'm only looking for friendship. We are both wanting to make new friends, and both feel like the third wheel in our social circles, so it's nice to think I'll have someone to hang out with or do things with, without the pressure of a relationship. He has also been through divorce before, and was able to shed some light on what I'm going through (though we didn't dwell too long on the subject). Basically, he said that when you're going through it, you feel like you just can't survive it, and you suffer from tunnel vision. But then you do survive it, and life goes on. Even though I know this, it was good to hear from someone who has been there.
Even though I had a fun time, I missed my H. I saw married couples at the restaurant where the husband had his arm around his wife, and I am missing that intimacy and companionship. That feeling that you belong with someone, and that they know you well. But then again, how well did I really know my H, given how he took me by such surprise?
I'm glad I went out -- it was good to have something to do, and definitely part of GAL. But sometimes doing new things makes me miss the old things. Dumb, right?
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
But sometimes doing new things makes me miss the old things. Dumb, right?
Not at all. The reason we all are here is we understand that although there were troubles in our marriages, we overwhelming felt that the positives outweighed the negatives. If we didn't, we wouldn't be here. It is human for us to reminise about our old lives when trying new things. It also makes us realize the reality of the situation that we are in now, the changes that we essentially have to self impose to DB and GAL don't come easy. That's part of our struggle, but it also is the first steps to our growth as better people out of these hardships.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I don't know... I didn't feel the positives DID outweigh the negatives, but that they could and that our years together and our kids and our vows made it worth the effort to bring that potentiality to reality. The things I've done that were fun since then have made me wistful because they are things I would like to enjoy with my husband and it makes me sad that I'm enjoying hem now because he set me free to do so without him.
I'm glad your evening was a success, Ahoy, are you curled up with your book?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
You are right -- I think I'm wistful because I would have liked to share the experiences with my H instead of some random new guy. But that's not an option, so I should be grateful that someone is kind enough to ask me out to dinner.
Now I am about to soak in the bath and curl up with a book (like I wanted to do all along)! Thank goodness it was an early night. I'm such a weenie.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Hi Ahoy! Sometimes the nicest way to spend an evening is in your jammies all curled up! But I'm very happy to read that you went out on a friendly date. Good for you. Making new friends is a great idea.
I also want to echo everything raliced said. Don't listen to that garbage your H is saying. Maybe it is true... but if so it is utterly ridiculous. And guess what? My H said the same thing! So it is not very unique or creative. My H said "I have to see if it works with OW, and if not I'll just date others" and then a few months later "oh, the grass is not greener". Someday your H will wake and see reality. And it will bite him on the behind.
Don't get down on yourself for being the third wheel or feeling like being cozy at home sometimes. Keep being awesome, make yourself some single buddies and take your quiet time for yourself too!
Thanks, Lisa and everyone who has responded. I had a busy day yesterday taking care of household things, and also managed to have lunch with a friend.
I'm in that part of the cycle today where I recognize that I don't know who my H is anymore, and I'm not particularly attracted to the person he's become. I do still get sad and nostalgic when I think of who he used to be, who we used to be together as a family. But who knows if that will ever be available to me again. I need to move on and let him go and see what develops.
My goal is to really let him go in my heart and focus on myself. My other goal is to try not to latch onto the fear, which is overwhelming at times. Fear of the future. Fear of the unknown. I want to feel excited about the future, not afraid -- of being alone, of needing help if my health declines, of being far from family, of losing my job, my daughter...
I have my MRI checkup tomorrow, and this will be the first time that my H is not by my side. Even knowing that I have friends and family who love me and who will help me through, I feel very alone. I miss having my partner. I always trusted him -- he looked out for me, and I looked out for him, and now I feel like he couldn't care less about me or my health, except when it might impact his life in terms of childcare.
I KNOW that people who are sad and fearful are NOT attractive. I don't want to push my family and friends away with my neediness. I need to find that strong core within myself. Where is it?
Last edited by Ahoy; 11/03/1412:41 PM.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Hi Ahoy. That strong core is there for all to see. You are to close to it with a pile of poo covering it. ITS THERE. So sorry you feel this bad but my thoughts are with you for the scan. Please post the good news when you get ASAP as we will all be waiting to be cheered up. Take care rd
Hey Ahoy- Sorry I'm on vacation, and have not been able to check in very much. Never fear, that strong core is there. You are working through this as well as anyone can. Feeling lonely, sad or scared does not make you weak. It just means you're human. Will be thinking about you today, good luck with the test. Looking forward to hearing good news.
