To be honest, I'm ok with it. Is it what I would prefer? No, but I thinks it's needed for both of us. I deserve better. Looking back, I realize how weak I came across. I just wasn't 'there' mentally or emotionally.
I think there may still be a small part of me that would want to work it out should she come to me, but it would require a lot out of her. The recent discovery/admission that she was unfaithful prior to BD and never planned on telling me is more hurtful than the A.
Can I see us finding our way back to each other down the road? I don't know. I really hope she continues to work on herself and eventually feels she's in a better place. I just don't know how that 'restarting' of a failed relationship would work. I'd think we'd still have issues from the past to discuss. Or do you just consider the past to be the past and start fresh? I think I'd always have trust issues, but who knows what time would bring.
Here's the thing, Tarheel, even if she were to suddenly repent of her waywardness and beg for your forgiveness, you would (at first) think your prayers had been answered. You would take her back in a heartbeat. However, as soon as you realized you had won.....and she wanted you, do you know what you would do? You would start questioning your feelings for her. Your resentment would take over and you'd discover forgiving and putting it in the past was not so easily done. Then you would become the WAH, in heart anyway.
B/c Tarheel, all your focus has been on getting her back. You've done nothing else. You are needy, go back on your word, and you simply lust after the "win" of her. When she pulls away, it makes you want her even more. But it isn't some great love behind all of this. You want what you can't have! If you get it......then you won't want it.
I think ALL of us here should sit with this for a day or 10.
Honestly (and I'm just venting here, so nothing personal to you, Tar): I think sooOooO many of us have the "re-attracting game" down pat. Even if we don't actively practice what we're told to do, we KNOW what it takes to increase our chances of re-attracting our spouses.
I cannot tell you the number of times I've watched a LBS here suddenly rethink if s/he REALLY wants their WAS at the very moment the WAS starts to come crawling back. It's almost as textbook as "ILYBINILWY" meaning a spouse is cheating. And that smacks of this entire DBing thing being a cat-and-mouse game. Even when we don't realize it.
What I think a lot of people fail to consider is what comes after the "thrill of the chase." I mean, sure. We think: Could this work? Could I forgive? But we don't take a moment to ask ourselves if we're just trying to WIN ... or if we're really in this for THAT PARTICULAR PERSON.
I could go on and on and on about this subject. But I'll leave you with that thought ...
Still checking in on you often, Tar.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Just journaling.....Been having a hard time the past few days after hearing W 'kissed' OM and someone else prior to BD. Makes me question what else happened during our 15 yr marriage that she kept hidden. Feels like a big fraud to me right now. She refuses to give me answers because she doesn't think it will benefit either of us, yet tells me what I think happened, didn't happen- then just tell me the truth! To me, starting a R with someone while we were S is totally different than 'something' happening prior to BD. Maybe it's really not. She's always been outgoing and flirty, just makes me question a lot.
I know it shouldn't even matter at this point what happened, with whom, how many times...but I can't stop thinking about it. To think she never planned on telling me. Who else knew and helped keep her secret? I'm done pressing her on it. If she's not willing to share, I have to assume the worst.
On an unrelated note, we've been 'disagreeing' on Thanksgiving plans. W made plans with her mom to drive 14 hrs away with the kids for the week without consulting me. Asks why I'm giving her such a hard time about it. Um, I'd like to see my kids during the holidays too! Once again, her selfishness dictates her actions.
GAL- went out with 2 girl friends from work last night. I had the perfect opportunity to 'practice', but couldn't do it. Too soon I guess. A cute blonde and I were making extended eye contact throughout the night. I should have just gone over and talked to her (regretted it as soon as I left), but until things are finalized with W and I, it just feels strange. Feel like I come to the plate with all kinds of baggage.
In short, my take is that it's all one big lie: she was no longer committed to you, while pretending to be. She was taking her time to come to a point where she could tell you, but your M was already over. She had lost her loyalty to you and would tell you things only to get her way. You can sweat the individual lies, or realize that they're all connected, they're all the same. Go back to the point where you think she disconnected, and that's when the lies started. Because there was this one big thing that she couldn't tell you. And once she told you, there was no point going back to come clean: she was moving on.
Now, our challenge is to become trustworthy again, and that means to be worthy of their love. That day, they will start telling us truth they wouldn't share with their OM. I know it sounds weird to say that they are the liars and we are not trustworthy, but it's about WHY they started lying to us: we just didn't deliver in the love and M departments.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
You're nowhere ready to date as evidenced by your conflicted emotions about your W. It is a slippery slope that you don't want to slip on as for there's someone involved and you'd have to extract yourself from a very sticky situation.
As for your W taking your daughters to her Mom's for TG, let her go. Instead you can volunteer at the local homeless shelter and serve food. Chat with them about their stories.
For real, you MUST go dark on W. Will you listen to us??
You're nowhere ready to date as evidenced by your conflicted emotions about your W. It is a slippery slope that you don't want to slip on as for there's someone involved and you'd have to extract yourself from a very sticky situation.
Oh, I'll be the first to admit I'm NOWHERE ready to date. As much as I'd love to have someone of the opposite sex to hang out with, I'm just not ready for that. What I regretted about not approaching that girl last night, was that it was a perfect opportunity to reach out of my comfort zone and be more outgoing.
As far as conflicted feelings about my wife- you're probably right. As much as I tell myself I'm done, that she's hurt me too much, that I deserve better...if I was truly over her, I wouldn't be so hung up on needing details, would I?
Now, our challenge is to become trustworthy again, and that means to be worthy of their love. That day, they will start telling us truth they wouldn't share with their OM. I know it sounds weird to say that they are the liars and we are not trustworthy, but it's about WHY they started lying to us: we just didn't deliver in the love and M departments.
WHOA!!!!!!!
I could not disagree with this more.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
Now, our challenge is to become trustworthy again, and that means to be worthy of their love. That day, they will start telling us truth they wouldn't share with their OM. I know it sounds weird to say that they are the liars and we are not trustworthy, but it's about WHY they started lying to us: we just didn't deliver in the love and M departments.
WHOA!!!!!!!
I could not disagree with this more.
Care to elaborate? I'm curious. I wonder if it's a misunderstanding or a real disagreement.
Originally Posted By: Tarheel
Oh, I'll be the first to admit I'm NOWHERE ready to date. As much as I'd love to have someone of the opposite sex to hang out with, I'm just not ready for that. What I regretted about not approaching that girl last night, was that it was a perfect opportunity to reach out of my comfort zone and be more outgoing.
There's a lot of pushback on these boards against dating during the sitch, so I thought I'd let you know that I'm at the same place you are. I'm nowhere near ready to date and I can feel it very clearly. Yet, I'm ready to get out of my comfort zone and explore my feelings when interacting with women. You can read about my experience at a sort-of blind date.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
For real, you MUST go dark on W. Will you listen to us??
Wonka, do you suggest this because you still think I want to save my marriage, even though I've set up the dissolution appt next week? I'm just curious as to how I come across. I admit I do still have conflicted feelings, but feel that D is inevitable at this point.
