Edz - Tough Times ahead proceeding with caution

[jim0987]

Difficult to know exactly what to suggest but reading your update it does look like you are ceding too much power to your W and in turn your MIL. What your W does with your S is her issue.

Once she texted you that your S could stay with you then you could have simple said 'OK I'll bring him back at 1600' for example then ignored your phone and had a nice day with your S.

Hope your doing ok in yourself though.

[edz]

Thanks, thats a good point. You are right, I am giving her a lot of leeway because of the way she felt I was upsetting, distancing and not supporting S in the past few years. From her conversations I think its a case similar to those mentioned in the books, a month for each year of a problem, she has to trust me with him (not in an endangering him way - never anything like that - just in a his continuing happiness and the best relationship with me. This was the core of the issue my constant distancing and withdrawl from the world and the effect on him and to a lesser degree w.

So theres that and then the balancing that theres a chance if I push too hard I dont exactly hold a lot of cards at the moment and theres not a lot - non legal - I could do.

My dad raised a similar point but, right now, I'm trying to show I dont have to have my own way all the time and I respect her decisions and space.

Is this right, I have absolutely no idea

[jim0987]

I'm still guessing so I can only give my limited opinion.

The best way to show you can be trusted with your son is to maximise your opportunities with him. Have fun, make sure he has fun. When I was growing up my dad bought me loads of stuff but all I ever wanted was for him to play/do something, anything with me. Thats not expensive its quality time (my LL by the way - actually I think there is a LL For kids which might be worth a look)

Yes respect her space but also respect your own. I may have missed it but is there something legal already? UK law is much more balanced these days so don't assume you have no recourse.

[edz]

Hi Jim

exactly right, I was very much in the time starving bracket, I'll do anything to spend time now, meals, arcade or just at the park with the baseball glove. W is starting to see it but its slow.

Nothing legal as yet, Im afraid to go there until I know, until she knows even, what she wants to do next. If it isnt reconcilation then if I need to I'll be looking at the options including the CMS (CSA replacement) full documentation.

[jim0987]

If you haven't find a family law solicitor. Quite a few will do a free initial consultation so at least you get a better idea of where you stand.

[edz]

Hi Jim

Had a meeting with CAB who outlined possible options open to me. Next steps are agreed custody / visitation I know with things at the mo - W would not entertain a shared custody she has said to me S stays with her. So for now this seems to be my best course of action especially when W is away from MIL in a couple of weeks time.

Im not interested in figting with W or going legal and I dont think she is either right now, MIL is an unstable influence who can and has thrown everything away rather than lose so getting W time away from her to decide what she wants and time to listen to her thoughts certainly seems the best way forward - for now at least.

Ultimately I want us all together or as close to that as is possible.

[jim0987]

So the kids thing is important. You need to protect your rights and access.

The courts don't tend to get involved and then they will do what's in the best interest of the child and unless one of the parents is unfit that will usually mean both have access.

I drew up an agreement with my wife. We sat down and negotiated - if you will struggle with this then you need a neutral 3rd party. In your situation I'd suggest that S spends every other weekend with you (Fri eve to sun eve). And that you have access one evening a week as a minimum. But that's entirely up to you.

Sorry don't mean to overbear on this but the access to your S clearly bothers you and I know how I would feel. Don't lose your rights and access because you want to save your M - it might not be saved then you'd have neither.

I really hope you do get the future you want though

[edz]

Thanks.

W and I have spoken about all this in case any thinks otherwise, I think the above is the absolute minimum she'd expect anyway, just she wouldnt go for a 50/50 style arrangement. Depending on how the next 3 months go (unrealistic to think anything will change before Christmas) and if W doesnt want to make any reconciliation attempt I think it will be time to get things on a formal basis (not heading for D specifically, just making sure we all know how things are set up).

I'm tensing myself for a bad couple of months anyway, not just because of birthday / christmases but also because I've stopped these direct debits (because I cant afford them and pay for this house and all the costs) I've told W I wont be paying these but I know she still wont action any changes and will flip out when they contact her.

Oh for a time machine!

[jim0987]

Indeed. I think you'd get a lot of takers for the time machine.

Its worth getting it on an written basis even if not formal - and probably before financial changes bite.

Just a thought but could you set your S up with minecraft at MILs? You could then run a server and work on something in minecraft jointly - you could have time with your S even when you're apart.

[edz]

Indeed. I think you'd get a lot of takers for the time machine.

Its worth getting it on an written basis even if not formal - and probably before financial changes bite.

Just a thought but could you set your S up with minecraft at MILs? You could then run a server and work on something in minecraft jointly - you could have time with your S even when you're apart.

Yup suggested this and got a straight push back that going legal would probably make things costly for me, this was a while back (keep having to remind myself we're "only" 3 months in though) and W seems less angry at me now but who knows. Was about the time W was pushing for a direct transfer for money for S and I was suggesting she just spend as needed (see part one of my thread)

S is using Minecraft at MILs and has suggested to me a server, only reason I havent done that yet is the pending move and internet / server chaos. I run enough tech and VM servers here that once set up I can easily put a new one in and set up a private server so once all the moving has finished I'll make it a project and then he and I can get building The fibre at the new house (stuck on congested Sky ADSL here following be being bought out ) will make that a lot easier to accomplish

Ive said it before but W seems conflicted and doesnt show any sign of knowing what she wants really beyond being in the flat with "space" to make her own decisions - getting out of MILs place. Its whats leaving me so frustrated as without knowing what she actually wants - she seems to bounce between it all being over and not - I can only plan on being alone and moving on but then I feel overwhelmingly lonely and her indecision makes me think it might work out.

As I say needs a few months with her away from MIL before the truth will really out.