Newcomer With Hope

[bravo61]

Im with you little. I'm such a sap I've kept every single ticket to any event we've been to together. That's almost sixteen years worth. I was shocked she remembered the 1st movie we went to together (you've got mail)-sigh.

[Jefe]

I'm a sucker for all that stuff too. I can remember dates and places for every little thing we did when we first started dating.

Little, it's OK. I don't think that was a major no no. Re was receptive and that's a good thing.

[Little]

I'm not sure what kind of a place I'm in today.

I guess I kind of feel defeated. On one hand I'm emotionally drained and on the other hand I'm still angry that someone that I felt so deeply for could basically axe me out of his life without too much issue. It's sort of a "Seriously?! SERIOUSLY!?" sort of a thing. LOL

I've got plans to go out this evening and I'm going to try to stop ruminating on it. There's no point to this train of thought it only makes me miserable.

How do the vets balance "no one can predict the future" with "forget about what the WAS is doing, and put them totally out of your mind"?

[gan]

I'm no vet, Little, but for me the answer is time. The last month has been a turning point for me. I've finally figured out how to move myself forward without moving on (never thought that combination was possible early on). For me that has required a combination of moving to a new apartment, yoga/mindfulness, reading Passionate Marriage (and learning about differentiation) and a genuine commitment to GAL.

You'll get there.

[Little]

Okay, just don't do what I did -- I saw The Best of Me at the movies tonight. Drove home SOBBING. LOL

Oh my god, it was right in the feels. I don't know why I was so stupid as to go see a romantic, sappy movie in the midst of my sitch, but I'm such an IDIOT. Hahaha.

[Little]

JOURNALING:

Today I'm struggling with people that are adamant that if I don't decide BF's a lying cheating a$$hole and just "get over him already" that I'm a weak person and what the heck is wrong with me.

I feel like I have no where to go (but here!) to talk about this, and even making comments on Facebook is a serious no-no because everyone feels the need to jump in and tell me how I'm supposed to feel.

I'm not a moron. Yes, of course I feel like he's a lying, cheating a$$hole. I also feel like he's my soul mate, but unless you're IN MY BODY you don't get why. You also don't HAVE to get why, nor do I need to explain it to you. You can be deeply loved and appreciated and still do things that make you look like an a$$hole, you know. I've done some of things that would peg me as an a$$hole, myself, in my life time.

I feel like he's better than the mistakes he's made and he has the ability to be a stand-up person when he's making the choice to acknowledge his flaws and not let them become his default behaviors.

Let's be honest: I made mistakes in our relationship just as much as he has, and the blame is on both of us, not just one. No one's actions exist in a vacuum, but are a sum of what happens to you and how you respond to it; right or wrong. You have absolutely ZERO idea what happens behind closed doors, the emotions involved, the behaviors and instances involved, and so on and so forth. In sum, you know absolutely NOTHING.

I could go on and on and on but really I feel like that's all anyone needs to be privy to in terms of "correcting" me every time I even so much as hint that I miss him and/or are having trouble getting past this.

Plus, it was a 10 year relationship that's been over for all over three months, give me some slack.

Phew. I wish more people on the outside got the DB point of view.

[Jefe]

This is why you have to be cautious about what you say and to whom about the relationship. I knew if I opened my big mouth about my wife it would put some serious roadblocks to the road home. You may need to repair some of that yourself. Because if reconciliation happened tomorrow your BF now has to deal with all your peeved friends.

My friends and family know we are separated but don't know the reasons surrounding it. Only a few select, trusted people in my inner circle know the details and even then I have tried to paint my wife in the best light possible so when the time comes she can save face.

We've got to protect our partners to the bitter end, even if they are crapping on us the whole way. At least that's my opinion.

[Little]

I don't care what they think so long as they don't tell me how to feel.

I guess I have mouthy friends. :p

[Little]

I asked my PCP for a referral for IC, today. Hope it helps me.

[Little]

Had my first IC appointment today! It was just intake and I did a lot of crying as I talked about the situation and what was going on with me, but I felt really good when I left, like I had someone to talk to who wouldn't just tell me to bag the loser and move on with my life.

I think this woman was super attentive to my truths and my desires and get the feeling she'll be helpful in me focusing on me but not dismissive that I ultimately would take BF back if he ever changed his mind.

We'll see what happens, but it's going to be weekly for a while.

She wants me to list the "pros" and "cons" of BF and my R with him, to try to get a clear thing I can reference when I need balance, rather than "all good" or "all bad" which contribute to the roller coaster ride.

I'll do that later, here.