As for friends choosing with whom to socialize, I am lucky I suppose that H has moved out of state. In many ways H taking a job close to OW makes things feel more hopeless but on this count I find life is much easier.
I can completely relate to H's family not reaching out to the children. Not a phone call in over 5 months just to see how they are doing. They have their cell numbers and could call them direct. I realize now that his family's level of detachment should have set off alarm bells years ago. I was naive.
I am choosing to respect their level of detachment at this point. It is not healthy for the kids to be dealing with family members who are not able to interact with them in a genuine, compassionate manner. I want my children to be able to feel empowered and I think part of that is being able to respect the boundary and let that relationship not be painted as a failure but rather a choice made by those adults. D's seem puzzled by it but they are glad not to feel obligated by it either. I feel conflicted as H's parents are getting older but this may sound trite "you reap what you sow" --- Honestly, I am not angry just believe that consequences occur and acceptance is far better right now.
I know you must be tired Bright but you have inspired me. Your perservance in the face of incredible odds is pretty spectacular. If you need to adjust things then have confidence in all you've accomplished and know that you have the right stuff to move towards the future full of great possibilities.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Bea, Job, Gwen, thanks for your posts. I actually feel that I don’t want discuss H with my friends any more. I will see if this a real feeling this weekend. I’m going to the vacation home, probably for last time this year. I feel sad. But at the same time I think that staying away from there and from my friends will help me to detach even more.
Bea, I agree, it will ultimately be me who will decide whether I will continue this friendship or not.
Job, the laptop was a pleasant surprise. I didn’t expect to win again this time.
Gwen, my H is also working in another state. And I do feel lucky too, that I don’t have to worry about bumping into him at a store or learn about him hanging out with people I know. I pretty much claimed all the friends and accountancies here. I actually became closer with some of them.
So, more GAL coming… Today I was invited to join a group of people at work who gather once a month for a happy hour on a back patio after work. I'm on the invite list. Yay me!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Go to the happy hour and let your hair down. It's time to develop new friendships that are your friends only.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hello BF, I am new to the forum. Have been reading your threads and I can symphatize SO much with you... 25 years married last june, but separated since Dec 2012, he asked for divorce Jan this year; I was devastated. We owned a business together and have been out of work since we separated; working from home and "hiding away" on special dates visiting a friend outside the country or visiting my daughter who lives abroad. Date for signing in front of the judge is next December 15th... I get sad sometimes, very sad wishing he could change his mind, but says he has thought about it and is better for him and for "us". We also had a vacation home to which we used to go every weekend, I put a lot of effort on it but was so misserable going there, differently from you when I had people coming with me I went to the bathroom and cried a lot... so finally decided to take my things out and have not been there since Jan/Feb. He is keeping the house in the D settlement.
I have been applying for jobs, at least have sent 40 CV but no answer at all. Maybe the answer is I have to continue with my business, but is at home and that depresses me... I want to be around people and change my activities.
I am loosing hope as the date approaches, it is little more than a month. Have read the Divorce Busting book but besides being kind (when I have not exploded while discovering he has been visiting pro....tes during at least the first year of separation).
He has been kind with money, each time less, already got an alimony settlement which would allow me to live tight, fair enough I think. Worked shoulder to shoulder for 15 years and before for 8 years in other companies, but have no title. Going back to school in January, but in the meantime I am still having my moments of tough sadness.
Went through a depression, which I think I am getting out little by little cause was medicated but have cut the dosis to 1/4 slowly and of course it is letting me feel now the reality.
Wish there was hope for after divorce, but a change in him would be needed (alcohol, ego, MLC I think)... so wish I could live my life without depending on this hope
BB, sorry you find yourself on this board. I will read your story when I have time. Working in the office with people around definitely helps me now. It was a disaster right after the BD. I was just not myself. I know what it’s like to be out of work when you cannot rely on anybody except yourself. Keep applying though, something will come around for you. And don’t lose the hope. The signing D papers could mean nothing. Look at me. My H hasn’t filed for D, but it’s been 2 ½ years since BD and there is no change in his decision to not be M to me. It could go either way. There is hope after D.
Update. I went to the vacation home. There was a festival in town, so there were so many people I knew. My friends were a bit stressed over what I expressed about our friendship, but they assured me that they love me and value me and want to remain friends. They confirmed that H is coming for Thanksgiving week and weekend. They said that I could come too, to which I replied that I would not feel comfortable, plus I don’t want H to get an impression that I’m trying to mend things (like he did at that time when I decided to come for the weekend while he was there.) Don’t know if I said the wrong thing though.
When I arrived over there I learnt that my mutual friend’s Mom was very sick and he needed to travel to another country to see her. Today I’ve learnt that she passed away. I think she was in her late 80th or something, so it was kind of expected. Nevertheless, my male friend was devastated in anticipation. Could he enter into MLC now? I doubt it, but who knows.
I met H’s friend over there, who lost his wife to cancer about 2 years ago. He is from Canada and stays at the vacation home place only during the winter time. I thing he was a bit surprised to see that I’m very put together, good looking woman. I feel he expected a nasty, wining b!tch, LOL.
Today at work I was reminded that it is a Veteran’s day. H is a veteran. So, my first thought was to text him wishing him happy Veteran’s day. I kind of hesitated for a while, thinking whether I should do it or not. Then I decided that this was my genuine and authentic desire to send him a message on this day. So I did. He replied with “Thank you. How was the vacation home”. Interesting, he used my text message to ask me a question he would not ask otherwise. I replied that it was wonderful, and attached a smiley face. No reply after that. I guess he doesn’t know how to respond to happy me .
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hey Bright! I think you are authentic, and that there is nothing wrong with that.
It was nice of you to text h and acknowledge Veteran's Day. My xh is also a vet. I thought of him today, but didn't send a text. We were in it *together* as he would say. We lived on the military base together, so I lived the military life too. D13 was born in a military hospital. Shout-out to the vets!
You sound good, Bright. I am so glad to hear. I am glad things are going well at work. I was so lost at work last year. I couldn't think straight. Now, work is an amazing place to be. I find I am often at my best when I am there.
Nothing better than the "happy" you! Keep smiling and find no reason for you to feel bad for being happy. Enjoy it!
Bright, You sound much better after your time away. I'm sorry about your friend's mother and I'm sure he's having a rough time of it right now.
As for texting your h about Veteran's Day, you did what you felt was right and I'm glad he responded. As for him responding back to you after you said things were wonderful at the vacation home, well, he may have thought there was no need for an additional response. Your h reminds me of my xh when it comes to texting or w/any type of communication. You may reach out and then he asks questions and then drops off the face of the earth after I have responded to him w/the answers. Reminds me of teenagers who only want to know something and then they go off on their merry way.
Sometimes you have to open up a wee bit if you want them to continue to come out of their shells. They tend to lose that chip that keeps the conversations going. I have found that if you drop a few crumbs along the way, they will open up and chat a bit more.
Keep your expectations at zero or on the low side. He's still into himself right now and he's got a ways to go.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Mighty, I wonder what happened with “we are in it together”. On the top of everything you were also a military wife. Wow. You’ve through a lot. My H served for only 10 years, and it was before I met him. Thanks for the support, as always.
Job, thanks for checking on me. I didn’t really expect any reply from H to my last message. This was exactly what happened, me dropping the crumbs and him using an opportunity to ask a question. And then… shutting down… Going back into his hole…
I will have another opportunity to send an e-mail or text this weekend. The company that I used to work for as a consultant wants to me to do some work for them. It will be during off hours time of my regular work, but I’m going to make the consulting rate, yay! I will need to contact H to get the most recent company file, so I could set up the billing. Will see if there are more questions from him…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
You seem to be doing extremely well! I'm so happy for you. Also glad you made decisions based on what YOU want, knowing you're coming from a core way of DBing. I think it's important to be who you are, even if that means for a short time, you go off the DB bandwagon temporarily. You have to basics, and the tools. Now you seem to have the intuition to read your own sitch.
Thanks, Shining. I think I’m getting to the point that I don’t give a sh!t anymore what H thinks, or what I say. I just say what I feel. My mutual friends still disappoint me with their decision to accommodate H and invite him to their family. Whatever…
I’m making more friends. Today, I was at the meet up/get together even at work. There is a group of people who meet once in a while on the back patio at work to have some wine and snacks. I was invited into the group as a person who can have fun and easy going. They like me! Now I have a few more people who want to go with me to the vacation home place. This is just so ironic, LOL. H cannot get anybody to visit with him over there, and I keep taking people over there with me, haha. I’m thinking that H should just find another place to be and leave this spot for me and my friends to visit.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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