Riding the rollercoaster

[dawgy]

Good morning to you all . Dawgy is still wondering how to use the fact that wife is still under our roof to the advantage . I dont want to squander the gift of time . What are some things I could be doing . Detached as best as i can . Ive had ample opportunity to snoop but Ive forced my self to stay away from it and reminded myself of the pain that comes with spying . Too much pain .Im still very confused all the time . I feel alot less dedicated to fight for my marriage than I was a month ago . I feel my mind is getting weaker and is losing the battle to keep the love alive . The love seems to be changing to resentment and just plain disgust

[PeterV2]

Hey Dawgy, I can relate. There are times that I just feel like calling up the OM and tell him go ahead and have her and good luck with that. It can get downright discouraging sometimes.

I guess we just have to take a bit of a break and try to get centered again. The weather doesn't help either. Enjoy your kids. Take some time out for yourself - go to a movie or go listen to some music. Take care of yourself. That's what I'm trying to do now.

We'll be feeling better again soon, you & I.
Cheers

[dawgy]

Thx Pete . Yeah the last month or so has been achallenge . I take my hat off to all you people on this forum who are here fighting the good fight . Its incredibly draining and full of disappointment . A month ago I would never dream about telling my sons eveything and throwing in the towel .I feel much differently at this point . Im having serious thoughts about telling her to leave and working out a payment schedule for her . I think im having very serious thoughts of moving on . The damage to my well being has been horiffic . And to think the person I would lay my life down for has caused this damage is becoming increasingly harder to deal with daily .
Unfortunately I believe that if I told her it was over and to get out she may very likely smarten up and want to keep it together . Unfortunately i think i would tell her its too late and she can go with her POS OM .Day by day I realize life is too short to be tortured like this and I know even after i kick her out it will be a long time trying to find myself again . Never again will I marry . Its not the institution it used to be .People are getting out far more than getting in .
I know theres alot of emphasis put on the LBS being half to blame . Thats BS . I can truly say that maybe I got too comfortable in my marriage and so did she but never once did I contemplate having an affair and destroying my loved ones . Its insane to do such a thing . I would do anything to spare my family from any harm what so ever . But she is a weak individual and not worthy of our family ,or at least thats how i feel today

[Card29]

There is an emphasis here on the LBS's role in the death of the M because that is what we can control. I would agree that an affair is not 50/50 on the WAS/LBS. The WAS is the one that doesn't communicate their pain/suffering/neglect and wrecks the family. But it is almost never about the WAS simply being a POS. I know you must still be really hurt, and I don't blame you. But I hope you're able to wake up to your own faults someday. I definitely agree that you shouldn't be married again until you do so. But even if you're never married again, if you don't learn something about yourself through this crisis, it will truly have been in vane. Maybe you do need physical separation to get to that point of introspection. You are obviously not handling the presence of your WAW very well.

Additionally, I believe that under the wrong circumstances, we are ALL capable of having A's. I don't see how anyone could learn about all of the different people, from all walks of life, that have A's and conclude that they are different than them. That is the definition of "terminally unique". Your WAW was emotionally starved and that pain caused her to do something horrible that she probably never dreamed she would do. Same thing with my W, although she didn't have an A. My W from age 19-28 would have slapped her 29 yr old self for walking out...she never even dreamed it was possible. But she was emotionally neglected, and coupled with severe depression, that caused her to act drastically. The same thing could have happened to you.

Good luck to you, dawgy. I hope you can get to a place of clarity soon because you have not been able to truly receive a lot of the advice you've been given here. Every time I check your thread, you are extremely attached instead of detached. You will not heal or learn until you do.

[Hoju]

Hey Dawgy, I'm sure you've been told this 1000 times already but you can't control your W. She is going to do what she is going to do, all you can do is be the best you can be.

You clearly want her back or you wouldn't still be here. You don't want to kick her out because you're scared she will call your bluff and actually go. You need to find some way to accept that you will be ok without her in your life. I know this probably isn't the best advice in the world but you really need to detach and it worked for me. Go out to a bar and just try to pick up a girl. Don't go home with her, don't brag to you W, just give yourself a little confidence boost that things will be ok with or without your W. Remember women are attracted first and foremost to confidence, if you're mopping around your house and acting insecure you'll never turn your W on.

[PeterV2]

Hoju, I'd watch what you say to Dawgy in that regard. He's a babe magnet from what I can gather and going to a bar and trying to pick up a girl is not the right tact for him. He's already had a couple women try to woo him. Luckily he's been strong enough to resist them - still heroically committed to his marriage. I don't think his confidence issue is anything more than being worn down from the constant rejection of his live-in WAW.

Dawgy, consider this: offer for her to move out. Try to make a plan with her in that regard. You can even help her find a place. Just tell her it's better if you're apart for now. That way you'll be away from the daily in-your-face rejection and she'll be free to consider the consequences of her choices. I doubt she would ever expect you to offer that - but it's definitely a 180 that may make her think.

Just an idea.

[dawgy]

Thanks guys for the input once again . W seems to come around a little then right back out again .I believe shes being controlled by the OM . I think they are still on but went deeper underground . Not sure but this is my feeling . I wont know for sure unless i snoop and we know thats not DBing . Im just confused all the time .Im not cut out for this , I feel humiliated alot . Thinking that W and OM are laughing at me because they are doing whatever they want and cant do anything about it .
That feeling is what led me to assault that POS to start with . To top it off i tore ligaments in my knee playing hockey the other night and i have a full blown cold . Wow lololol bring it on . What else can i pile on before I break .
Hoju thx for the advice , i have been able to interact with women very positively very easily which helps the confidence a bit . But the sting of being tortured and abused by the woman I adore overshadows everything . I try to understand how someone you have loved and slept beside for 25 + years can do this to their spouse . Why not sit down and say im not happy anymore , Im leaving . Then leave and start a new relationship after that . But cheating , thats just sleazy and disgusting , totally wrong

[u-turn]

Dawgy - I really feel your pain and the thoughts of humiliation. I have had the thoughts of them laughing about this (I still do). I don't know what to think of this - except try to believe that they are not thinking of you AT ALL. You do not even cross their 18 year old minds. It's all about them and there is nothing you can do about it.

It sounds though that this torment is not letting you function - are you doing anything to help remove yourself from these thoughts? Are you doing anything for yourself?

Hang in there - take care of yourself.

[PeterV2]

Dawgy, stop the mind reading. Even if W is indeed seeing OM I doubt the conversation would be about you. But regardless, you have no control over what she does and you shouldn't try to control her. You only have control of yourself and even that is at times difficult.

I can see you're thinking about her all the time. That's not good either. Get your focus off her and onto you and your life without her. First of all it will improve your PMA and as a secondary effect your positive PMA may be noticed by her - but don't get a PMA for the purpose of drawing her in. Do it for yourself. I know this is hard to do when in such turmoil, but the more you focus on your own life the better.

Withdraw from her. But still be kind and gentle when she interacts with you. It's a tightrope and hard to do. But withdrawing will help both you and your sitch.

[dawgy]

Hey everyone . Its been awhile since I posted . My W is stll in our home much more civil lately but still detached as per the plan . I want so much to ask her if I can sleep in our bed again . Just sleep . But domnt know how to ask or even if i should . Dawgy