Thank you all for your input/advice, rather than quote everyone ... I will address a couple points that stood out for me.
Yes ... Halloween was one of my favorite Holidays, not carving the pumpkins ... all that.... I caught myself shortly after posting this ...I was trying to make it about me, my hurt, my pain ... and that hurts S, something I do not want. So yes I have decided I will be there with him .. and her, walking around the old neighborhood, enjoying the night with him.
The other thing, giving my marriage and her to God. That is the hard part, I am my own worst problem when it comes to that. Letting go and letting God is what I have done .. but at times I get involved and try to push to far, to much. Something for me to work on.
Update Time / Journal if you will ....
So, Friday I had S at soccer practice, I am the Asst. Coach, the head coach was gone so it was me and the kids ... I know little about soccer, but I always have been a kid favorite, 7-8 year olds .. we were having a blast just playing. W shows up and was watching .. I did not notice her right off .. seen her and I waved ... no response .. but I was PMA and having fun .. shrugged it off. She walks around the park ... came near me and I asked how she was ... her reply was "I'm ok" ... obviously something wrong but I did not push. Figured she was ill ... so I let her be. I finished up .. got S loaded into the car .. told her I hoped she felt better and to have a good night .... as she drove off she gave me the death eyes ... shrugged that off too and just figured she was having a bad day. Then I realized ... its her brother, PLUS ... yup .. had to look .. her PMS cycle is due. I track it as I have said .. its intel for me, to know when not to push and stay guarded around her. It has helped so much over the past 3-4 months.
About 7 or so she TM asking if I have left for work, told her I just got out of the shower and asked if everything was ok, she told me she had tightness in her chest but it went away, I asked if it was stress ... and yup .. confirmed the BIL sitch was getting to her. I told her I understood that and that she was under alot of pressure, had alot going on but for her to please let me know that she is ok, or if she needed anything. Late that night I was working at the club, 1:20 she TM me asking if I was still awake. Told her I was .. almost done with the night and about set to go home, asked if she was ok. She then said she was ok, she was sorry for everything, was feeling "overwhelming feelings of guilt" .... This is total PMS stuff with her, I would get pulled in here in the past only for the next day to end up like nothing was said. So I took it for what it was worth, told her if she wanted to talk I would be done in a few minutes ... did not hear anything from her the rest of the night.
Saturday ... very quiet ... went to the soccer game, she was buisness as usual, this neighbor friendly stuff bugs me but I take it with a grain of salt and realize its better than adding fights and negativity. So after the game I walk them to the car and she hops in and tells me to have a nice day. Kinda bugged me and sent me into that "How did we get here" road. I got home .. did laundry and cleaned ... not GAL .. just stuff that I wanted to get done. Then just as I was about to mope around the house .. my roomate asked if I wanted to go for a ride .. I almost declined but decided .. yeah .. lets go. 2 hour ride .. came home .. showered .. watched a movie .. chalked up the day as a win, as I would normally be in my room alone doing nothing .. 180 for me.
Sunday woke early .. went to early morning mass .. TM W that I would pick up S after (Did not invite them as she can never get up and out that early). Arrived shortly after mass S was ready to go .. excited about part of the day I told him I had planned. W asked what we were doing, I sent S to the car and told her I promised him we would go to a couple comic book stores, then was going to suprise him and buy him the new bike I have wanted to get him for the past few months ... eat .. then after take him, the bike, and our dog to "our" lake and go for a walk/ride ... told her she was welcome to join us. She told me she was not feeling well, might have plans to meet a gf of hers, but would let me know ... she said she was on her period .. and I told her "I know ..started Friday" ... she joked and laughed ... i told her I track it like the weather guys track hurricanes. She laughed at this, I wished her to feel better and told her I would TM a couple hours before we were set to go.... she did meet us there. We had a nice walk, was very pleasant. I considered it a win for the day.
Just some observations lately. Like I said before I felt her pull back/away .. chalking this upto the Limbo-Rollercoaster that we all lovingly call MLC ... this was bugging me, I only get little glimpses of the girl I know and love, then other times its like looking into a dead fish's eyes. However ... lately the past week or so she TM often using our S as an excuse, sharing things, telling me he has been reading for an hour, sending a pic of him at a burger place eating etc. I do not reply right away on all ... not sure why she does this. She has told me that he and her have been getting along very well, appears she has stopped TM OM in front of him .. he mentioned that the other day .. then again I am not so sure OM is even in the picture by a few of her remarks. I am not going to mind read or guess .. just trying to sort through the info I have.
I try to look for positives, I have a gut feeling W is just trying to sort herself out, by being alone. Holidays are coming .. have no idea what to expect ... .part of me wonders if she is just trying to get through them then pursue the D after. Again .. mind reading I know .. the limbo is just tough at times, but I realized if she were want to "be married" we have so much to work through. We are both working on ourselves at the moment and all I can do is work on me, and stay focused on that.
On the separation thing, I read that after three years of separation there is no chance for reconciliation (sorry, I don't remember where I saw it) - it either turns into a divorce or they just continued living their lives as being separated. I have always kept that as sort of my outward fence that I would not pass given W and I are now separated 16 months.
Billy Joel, always has a fond place in my heart. When I got my first stereo, my first 8 track was Billy Joel's "Stranger'. Loved it!
Thanks for the reply .. I think I seen Mr Bond went 3 years ... not that I was expecting to go that long .. but then again I never thought I would be here a year after either. I did not start DB until about 10 months after BD ... I honestly feel I would have had a better chance .. but then again I am not sure I would have seen the MLC issues there either as I was entirely focused on OM.
At this point I am in a better place, ME .. my marriage .. eh limbo, the exchanges are cordial but there is little to no connection as of late and that worries me .. atleast when we fought it felt like we both in our wild way were fighting for the M
I'll say something to you that was once said to me.....
You and only you determine when this is over.
Timetables....are sometimes used as an excuse to ourselves...cause the alternative is too hard. Focus on YOU and YOU alone. As for time.....one day at a time.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
The only thing you do when you create a timetable, is to establish the date when you are gonna quit...
Cause IF you impose one, and you enact it. No matter how good or lousy that you feel on that date, you will walk away not knowing what the end could be.....
One thing that I did, was to give myself a two-year plan (once I understood MLC).
I gave myself two years, BEFORE I would make ANY major life changing decisions about my life.
And I had faith that no matter what, I would spend that time, understanding myself, and getting to know who I was, so that I could handle any decision that I made after those two years. And I had the Faith, that whatever was to happen after those two years, was meant to be....
Would YOU give two years of your life, to have a chance at a fifty year anniversary with your spouse ?
Yea, thought so....
And also, remember that your limbo, is something that YOU chose...
And it really isn't that bad, or really that "real". It's about YOUR choices Cali....
I'll say something to you that was once said to me.....
You and only you determine when this is over.
Timetables....are sometimes used as an excuse to ourselves...cause the alternative is too hard. Focus on YOU and YOU alone. As for time.....one day at a time.
I completely understand that ... and like most I think I have my good .. I can do this till I have to phase .. and my .. hands up in the air defeated days .. I just worry about losing all connection with someone I have spent 24 years with ... waiting for her to poke out of the tunnel. I do feel, I married a smart woman (mind read here) .. .I think at first she avoided the D due to confusion and emotion .. but later realized the financial aspect .. I give about 200% or more so than I would be required, so as of now .. its ok, I just wonder how long till this either blows up .. or we start deciding to fix this. I am using time as my friend
One of my Jim Conway books describes a marriage disrupted by MLC in which the wife waited 8 years before her man came home. I doubt I could wait that long. I tend to think women would be more likely to wait than men, but still. How long is too long?
I think if the WAS got married, I'd give up. If they started living with the OP, I'd give up. But then, I always thought I'd give up right away if my H had an affair, and look what happened there. I think it really depends on you and your sitch, like ericmsant2 said.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Thank you Nitty ... yeah I do not have a time line, sure I hate limbo and being alone.. but in all honesty I want MY family, and even if it is over right now its not like I want someone else in my life .. I still need to get my chit together, and most my focus lately has shifted off her and towards myself.
Just a bit of a journal .. I do feel it helps to get thoughts down/out ... and I have often gone back and read where I was and it helps knowing I have made progress.
So yesterday I was reading another thread and there were vets out with amazing advice and a few 2x4's .... sometimes our sitches have similar issues/vibes .. and I feel I can take just as much if not more away from reading another thread as I do my own because ironically I am in a sense detachment reading someone else's while in mine I am emotionally vested. Anyways I seen some of my traits and ones I know I need to change, even IC said I need to be more assertive. I bought and read NMMNG long before I came to DB, its on my tablet phone .. however I decided to do something differently. I ordered a hard copy of that and "Hold on to yout N.U.T.S." and figured on my free nights (Which I have many of now that I am in-between seasons in softball and football till Jan) I would ride the Harley to the beach and read for a bit. I am actually looking forward to this. I also plan on going to a RCIA program starting tonight until I complete the course at the church. GAL activities that I feel work on me, get me out, and something I just feel good about. I looked at my bills, I should have 2 big items paid off by years end and that frees up a good chunk of money monthly ... possible get a better place, not sure just yet but my PMA has been great lately even though the sitch is still limbo.... thing is .. I am working on me and I can feel it. Detached a bit better this past week.
So as far as the W goes .. I think I mentioned it before. Lately for whatever reason she seems chipper, she has been really working on her R with S and seems to be much better. I am happy for that ... however she seems to text me alot more just concerning him, sending pictures of him at school, even this morning she sent a picture of when he was like 1 years old wearing this ridiculous pumpkin hat I always teased her about. The exchanges have been very pleasant, I am not reading anything into them at all .. no expectations honestly .. but something tells me that the key to this very well may be the family angle and my son .. who knows.
Yesterday I dropped S off ... along with the tax docs I needed to apply for my school ... I noticed we had a major problem .. we received a refund which was great .. but I noticed on the docs the tax guy did not include her wages ( WTF>?) so I asked her about this. My thoughts were ... 1 they messed up big time .. or two we filed married but separate , so why did I share MY refund with her. I stayed cool and showed her the issue .. sure enough they messed up and we will now most likely owe ... she actually thanked me for catching the mistake ( Who is this woman??) She picked up S yesterday, I was PMA and asked her that I had something going on for Wednesdays (The RCIA program at church) and really need her to pick up S on time ... ofcourse she resists, has to have it her way ... I calmly told her that I am trying to make plans for myself and its the only night I need her to be on time, I do not want to fight about it. This calmed her a bit .. then she asked worst case if she were late where she could get him (I took a breathe .. sometimes her selfishness bugs me .. but I did well) I told her I am not sure .. but would imagine she could and told her the church. I wanted to be mysterious .. but I think she figured things out and seemed to really calm her.
This morning she TM the pic of S, told me they wrestled a bit, I TM back saying how big and strong he is getting, just light hearted TM and left it at that. She could have very well stayed dark ... not sure why she is using S lately as a way to TM ... but I will accept them as its better than silence.
