Oddly enough W was relatively warm to me when I got home. I had about 45 minutes downtime before a dj gig, and she came and gently woke me up from a doze in the couch so I wouldn't be late. She was smiling at me when I opened my eyes and for a brief moment everything was perfect.
I have a very hard time accepting that adopting a more assertive role will draw her back to me. It's just so truly counter to the typical dynamic or our R. If it works I will be so amazed, and happy.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
"I have a very hard time accepting that adopting a more assertive role will draw her back to me. It's just so truly counter to the typical dynamic or our R. "
It's basic human nature. When you first dated I'm sure you were much more assertive and not afraid of what she thought of you as much as now. That's attractive.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I've been a lurker. Wanted to drop in briefly and say this.
There is a difference between being assertive and aggressive. You might be afraid of appearing to be or being overly aggressive. Or the other possibly is confusing assertiveness with aggressiveness.
One can be firm and assertive without being abrasive and/or aggressive.
Yes, that makes sense. I am generally not an aggressive person at all, and I definitely need to learn more about the difference between the two.
Had a good sesh with IC today. Told her about my boundary experiments. She saw the wine text as a test and thinks I passed it in Ws eyes. It's hard to think of her testing me right now when she seems to think so little of me. But I have my eyes open to it now.
IC also suggested I schedule family therapy for kids on my own and invite W. Don't have to tell kids anything about S, just that they're going to talk with some people about anything that they want to talk about. She said I could then invite W, and she would probably go, and perhaps see the benefits of therapy. This sidesteps me having to confront Ws illusion that the kids aren't being affected by this. I like that idea.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
My W didn't believe that the kids were affected at all too. At MC to just discuss the kids, I finally got her to admit that the kids were struggling and they keep asking her to come back home. Not sure if she really is thinking about it though, as she goes about her fogged thinking/talking less than a day later.
I've been debating family counselling. I did tell her earlier that I wouldn't send them to a counsellor without talking to her first. My D4 is having the roughest time with it.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Well, a couple of busy days. W stayed out thurs night and I took all kids to school/sitter. When I got back, she had been home and made a list of things to do for our Halloween party. Hard to say if she had left the list in plain sight for me or for her, but I scrambled to do a handful of things on it before dashing out to work. She left work early to prep for party and I got off early as well to trick or treat. Party was a success, lots of kids came and everyone had a blast. Hard to be around W with so many other parents who know/don't know our sitch. She seemed very distant and a bit moody. I admit that I also had to force some PMA. Kids were scrambling around together in a pack so I just kept up with them and ignored W. Towards to end, it had gotten very cold, so I offered W my coat. Ws bff said "oh isn't he just the sweetest." W quietly agreed.
Went out to dj a Halloween party later after I house was cleaned and kids in bed. Fun times. Danced with a cute girl for a little while.
When I got home, I checked browsing history on laptop. I still do this occasionally, sometimes to see when my W went to bed, also because I'm sti curious if she is looking for apts. I know I shouldn't do this. I found that she had looked up a pregnancy due date calendar, that told her her baby is four weeks along.
Yeah. Now she could have been looking at this for other reasons. Maybe her bff missed a period, maybe a girlfriend she was chatting with online. But it seemed to explain her very distant behavior from earlier.
I went upstairs. Boys had climbed into bed with her so I took them back to their beds and tucked them in. W thanked me, as it's hard for her to sleep with the boys piled on her. I gave her a quick embrace, and told her that it used to be my duty to hold her at the end of the night and make sure everything was ok with her, and that its been very weird just going to bed alone for the past two months without checking on her. She said it was weird for her too. I patted her back and said goodnight and went to bed alone.
If she's pregnant, I'm worried for her. In her last A, she got pregnant by om and had to travel out of state for an abortion. It was immensely difficult for her, and I tried to be there for her however I could. It also spelled the end of the A.
She is so lost right now. I'm still detached but this was a blow.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
I will add that I tried to give her a lot of affirmation about the party. I had wondered if she was even going to pull it off given how scattered she's been, but she did it. I pitched it and helped out wherever I could, and we high fived at the end.
I suppose I will continue to monitor from a distance re: her being pregnant. I will need to offer her some kind of strength and support without getting too close. I love her and don't want to let her fall. But I know that I'm on the right path to being a better person for myself and my kids.
In the midst of spending a whole day with them today. W texted asking if I have plans with them today (she still hasn't come home) and I said yes. She will show up whenever she wants to I guess.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
