The Goddess of Goats Thrives Alone on Her Mountain

[Wonka]

GGG,

I've learned personally from first hand experience and I try to stress to the newbies here as well on this one VERY important fact:

Never, never ask the WAS how's work or about work. They feel that their space has been intruded on...even if our intentions were good and sincere. I hit that wall with Ms. Wonka. So I've never said a peep or inquired about her work in over 10 years now. Now there's some new developments...wanna know? Gotta check out my thread.

Anyway...humor is almost a great ice breaker! That's how I've gotten through Ms. Wonka's Gibraltar-sized glacier. Last year...I think...I sent Ms. Wonka a humorous papers that contained the following colored picture:

A small glass plate with an over-easy egg on it with a yellow chick standing beside it facing the plate.

Above the picture was the caption in bold: "For Pete's Sake!"

That got a LOL text from Ms. Wonka.

[GoatGal]

Wonka,

I will be sure to check out your updates.
I've seen that chick pic, cracks me up too!


Although in my case, I have to say contacting H at work is a 180 for me.

I had stopped being interested in his job right about the time he was using it as a "cover" for OW.
And, to be honest, I've never been big on talking on the phone, texting, or making small talk in general.
I always disliked that "And how was YOUR day" question.

But H (yes, he's back to "H" at the moment) likes to stay in touch.
And it seemed to go well after his initial reservation.

Actually, I didn't ask "how's work" I asked "How is your day going?"
Same thing, I know, but he's always seemed more comfortable with me at a remote location. You know, likes me best when I'm not around. (Sad, but seems true, I guess lately.)

So although I will heed your advice, I will see how it plays out.
I think he'd feel more "intruded upon" were I to call/text to check in with him in the evenings, when he's 1. Drinking 2. On line doing who knows what.

THAT I'm pretty sure he would get tired of quickly for a whole bunch of reasons.
But yeah. He likes to tell me how great he is at his job. So I let him.

It's really the only thing he feels confident about at this point, something he's proud of.
But I consider myself warned to proceed with caution!


---(G)GGG

[GoatGal]

Meh.

Recording session went great yesterday and I got lots of good feedback. I forgot that I was good at this stuff!

Funny thing about being in this sitch. There has been so much heartache and pain that I find I am more fearless about things which used to create anxiety for me.

I almost feel like nothing can hurt as much as these past few years have, so stretching my musical boundaries and tapping into something deep down with ABSOLUTELY NO FEAR allowed me to do things that formerly would have had me a bit twisted up.

I found my guitar solos, ability to mesh with the other players, and my vocal improvising/scatting so effortless. I was soooooo RELAXED. It's really the only way it works well. There was no thinking about it--it was just jazz--jazz happening. I have never been so calm and centered and tapping into something deeper in my soul. Interestingly, the other players saw this and commented on it.

I really surprised myself.

Frankly, I never knew I had it in me to go there.
Not with new people, an unknown situation, live recording session, under the gun, as it were.

So--yay! More sessions to come, maybe a Christmas album.
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And as for H,

He was here during the days Sat/Sun---and yes, he's still "H" more or less.

Although he was here to help me load up my equipment on Saturday morning for the recording session, there was definitely an air of irritation coming from him.

Later on I wondered if perhaps he was mad at the fact that I was doing really great things with this time we're separated, while he is still sort of stuck. He resents that.
I know he does. Particularly while he's here doing manual labor.

Well, I do plenty of manual labor too---and I can often spend five+ days alone without seeing or speaking to anybody. So I refuse to feel guilty for being gone for the day doing something that might turn out to be pivotal for my future.

He was a musician when we met, but for him, it just fell by the wayside as so many other things did for him.
He has expressed resentment over my playing again for the past few years. Although he always said how much he "supported" me, the fact is, it annoyed him. He didn't want to spend the time with me, but he didn't want me putting time into that either. Unless it meant I was out of the house. (Hahaha. And now I know why THAT was, porn and OW.)

I used to believe he was proud of me. Now he just seems threatened and maybe even JEALOUS.
That's his problem.
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A few weeks ago I mentioned maybe using his old amp and he texted me that "Sorry, my instruments are going to be moving over here" to where he's staying.
As if he was going to start playing again "too!!!!" Not to be outdone, I guess.

So far, that hasn't happened, and I'll be surprised if it does. I think (mind reading, I know) that he really just didn't want me using his stuff to have any more "fun".
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He did a few things around here this weekend, but essentially did them without any real plan; ran some electric that is all over the map...it's like he wants to get something done, and he does, but he doesn't take into consideration how to do it so it doesn't cause problems down the road.
He doesn't seem able to think things through very well.

So yeah, the light works, but there are problems stemming from the work he did. Historically, I couldn't mention any of the problems because he saw it as me critiquing his work; which it wasn't.

Heck. If there is a safety issue that needed to be addressed, and I mentioned it--as nice as I could be--he got defensive and nasty.
He has been that way for years now.
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Last night when I got back from recording, he left me a nice note, had taken care of the critters--but made sure he was gone before I got home. Missed me by about 10 minutes. Like he didn't want to see me.

Last night, he never asked how it went, he just sent me a weird text schedule of sorts, plus some other curt texts about how he's going to be "coming late and leaving early"... no explanation, and nothing to do with anything on topic.

This is the classic button-pushing stuff he does when he gets ticked off. It's slight, I know, but it's like he is trying in subtle ways to "get back" at me for my "infractions". (Like not curling up in a ball and dying, not just moving away when he wanted me gone, I guess.)

Anyhow, I thanked him again for helping me out so I could take the day, how I appreciated his support. Trying to see the best in him. Hoping he'll see it as a victory for him, too.
That he helped me achieve something important to me.
He used to be like that. He used to be so proud of me.

Now I wonder if it wasn't more "Look at MY WIFE!"
Like it wasn't that he was happy for me, just that it made him "better" to have a wife who could do what I could.
That's a difficult thought, but I will not avoid mulling the painful things over anymore.

Like the reality of a future together. How realistic is that? Who we are now, separately and together... would that even work? Would this reality be sustainable? I'm thinking not....

Ugh. Again.
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Today he was here only briefly, which was fine.
I had so much trouble sleeping last night, was up and down, and in between it was one nightmare after another where he was telling me that "we will be divorcing, I need to get over it, get the ball rolling... that he needs to start dating other women..."
Ugh. I woke up every hour or so with my heart pounding.

I don't know what brought this on since it hasn't happened in a while. Subconsciously it appears I am still pretty freaked out.

But today was beautiful.
We chatted a bit, I validated the work he did, didn't ask anything about the bizarre schedule texts. Just kept it light while projecting my cutest "sleepy morning self" in the sleepwear he always liked. Offered him coffee and breakfast, which he declined. I couldn't have been sweeter, but again, nothing I wouldn't do for anyone who was here working.
(Except minus perhaps the sexy P.J.s )
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So about the schedule texts again: This is his most common passive-aggressing "Gotcha!" for which I am grateful. It could be so much worse; it's hardly worth mentioning.
When he gets ticked off, he refuses to tell me why he won't be here, is deliberately vague, shows up unannounced (he did today) and *seems* to want me to think he's out tearing up the universe.
Which I'm pretty certain he is not.

He gave me the reason for not being here one weeknight, but not for Sunday, a day he has ALWAYS been here-- with maybe one or two exceptions when he was really trying to push my buttons.

I *think* that absence on Sunday is because of graduation... a sore topic, since last year at that event I met OW and he took off his ring, among other things.

Funny that he wouldn't mention it as the "reason" he won't be here, if that's what it is. (Timing is right.) I wonder if its because he knows bringing it up will be hurtful to me. Or he wants to avoid my emotions over it. Not that I have reacted negatively to anything for months. Personally, I'd rather he just told me, than let me stew in my own juices about what he "might" be up to.

As if not mentioning it makes any difference.
Like I'm not thinking about it quite a bit this time of year.
But I'm looking on the bright side, that maybe he's not mentioning it because he doesn't want to hurt me.

Problem is, not mentioning something doesn't solve anything.
It's just both of us pretending there isn't a pink elephant carcass stinking up the living room.
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He has not asked a single question about how my session went. As usual, he talked about HIMSELF and we talked about HIM and his stuff.

*sigh*

I really don't expect more, but it sure would be nice.

Tonight I have a dance to go to with friends, and, if I might be so bold to mention, about five of the guys who have been actively pursuing me.

(All of whom I have put on ice, so to speak, and told them I'm not dating. One of whom has a private plane, among other things.)

But I'm sure there will be people who might actually be interested to hear what I did yesterday. Too bad H isn't one of them.

Which says everything about him, and nothing about me.
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So it goes.
Just kinda blah today.

Stuffy head, allergies bad dreams, and little sleep, makes Goat Gal a dull Divorce Buster.


---(G)GGG

[BrightFuture]

Hey GGG, I’m always looking for your updates on your sitch. I wish I could hear your performances. I play piano, not is a professional way, just for me.

I’ve noticed the same thing about myself, that I became more fearless about things. I also feel that there is nothing that can be any worse than this sitch.

Good for you, discovering your true self and tapping into your full potential.

My H used to be proud of me too. And then I started noticing that he was intimidated and didn’t like talking about my achievements anymore. This where I think his self-esteem went low.

It definitely looks like your H is jealous of your GAL activities. He is also trying to get a reaction of you by being deliberately vague about his plans. I think you are doing great. Keep it up!

[Georgiabelle]

GGG,

You sound like you are enjoying life and living well. It doesn't surprise me in the least that you have many fellas checking you out. You are a catch!!!

Hang in there. Let h walk his path and you keep walking yours.

[kml]

I really relate to the fearlessness stuff. After losing my H of 26 years, really, nothing else scared me. Learn to play the drums at 53? Why not? If I got up on stage and sucked, so what?? If someone thinks at 58 I'm too old to play in a punk band, so what? If I dated men who might not last, so what? It turned me into a much more daring person and my life is richer for it.

[GoatGal]

Bright. GB, and kml... thanks for your support and comments.

Fearless? Heck yeah! If this didn't kill me... what's to fear?

Sometimes when I get down thinking about what might happen with my H from here on out I stop myself and think:
What can he possibly do to me that he hasn't done already?

The only thing left is-- Door #3: FINANCIAL DEVASTATION!!!

Which could happen.
On the other hand, it could happen even if we R. He could lose his job, insurance, one of us could become gravely ill.

There are no promises either way.

Today I made a chart. It included:
1. The Pros of sticking it out
2. The Cons of sticking it out
3. The Pros of leaving/divorcing
4. The Cons of leaving/divorcing.

That was for me.

I made another chart for H with the same quadrant.


Very interestingly, the Pros for me staying, (seeing the remodel done, living my dream) and the Cons for me going (maybe won't find another life partner, financial concerns) were mostly"What If" type things.
Fears and worries. Not reality.

My Pros for divorcing and the Cons for staying were all FACTS.
That I will no longer live in a disaster zone with all these animals, that H would have to change dramatically for this to work, that our age difference will be more of an issue. etc. He has health issues which will only worsen, he is who he is, he has serious emotional problems, this is a chaotic environment and we will need help to keep the place going in the not-too-distant future.

His chart was the exactly the opposite:

His cons for staying were based on his fears and problems. "She hates me."
His pros for divorcing were also based on "What ifs", like "What if she never forgives me? "What if we can't resolve things?"

And his pros for staying/cons for divorcing were the FACTS.

That there will be financial destruction, that the animals will have to go, that he won't be able to keep things up by himself, he'll never finish the remodel alone. That he will lose me as a friend and partner. That he will have to sell the house at a loss. That he will lose everything.

Of course, I'm not in his head, but I just put down any and all things he could possibly think. Including that "I'll find somebody better", "I won't have these 'problems' with the 'right' person", "So many other women want me..."

But again, those are "What ifs."

Weird, huh?

Anyhow, it showed me very clearly that the things I fear have already happened.
In many ways, I will be better off divorced if he is not willing to put in the effort, and he is unable to make some pretty dramatic changes for the long term. I do not want a marriage under current conditions. There is not much to recommend it.

What I valued most in H was his integrity and his desire to protect me.
His loyalty. His fidelity.
All those things are now GONE.
He would have to work to get them back. I'm not sure he will ever want to do that, and even if he does, how long could he sustain changes like these? Learning new coping skills, not keeping secrets, being vulnerable, committing to me and to a R.

Can he do it?

I don't know. He doesn't think so, he has said many times.

Blah, blah... I have a cold and I feel stupid today.

Just thinking out loud.

---(G)GGG

[kml]

Wow - I love that way of looking at things, very insightful.

[GoatGal]

And can I just say one thing?

That sometimes reading all the awful stories here on this board makes the Halloween Horror-fest pale in comparison.

This forum can be its own horror show. Truly.

The way people are behaving towards those they are supposed to love and care for. Sometimes it's almost too much, reading what you all are going through. It breaks my heart to read what others are enduring here.
And how they often get no support from friends/family/counselors other than the advice to "move on" and "start over."

Were that it was so simple---as simple as our WAS/MLC want to believe it is.
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"OW is pregnant, OP is a bi-polar drug addict, con-man, barely legal teen gold-digger, abusive bastard, crazy HWW," ...
Formerly caring spouse is destroying the family, hurting the kids, causing mayhem all over town.
Embarrassing themselves and their loved ones.
Burning bridges with nothing but a Bic Lighter, busy running from one to the next.
And hardly a glance back at the people who used to be important to them.
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LBS are here trying SO HARD to make some sense of things when there is often no sense to be found.
They are lost, trying to figure out how to salvage something, protect their children, their investments, how to handle the emotional fallout, how to act in public. What to say or not say, what boundaries to set and how to enforce them.

Worrying about every little thing said and done, or left unsaid and undone.

"Was THAT the final thing that put the nail in my marriage coffin? Was it really my fault after all, because I said the wrong thing?"

I know everyone says the WAS/MLC are suffering too, and I don't doubt that they are.

It's just that their suffering is largely due to their own actions, whereas the majority of the LBS just have to deal with whatever is flung their way.
(No, we all agree we're not perfect. But not being perfect doesn't mean we deserve to be treated so callously and cast aside so coldly. Or worse yet, with venom.)

And the LBS must also deal with it with dignity, grace, compassion, and a clear head.
They have to use reason when their spouse can or will not.
They have to figure out how to co-parent, manage the house, get the kids ready for school.
Explain things as needed.
Microwave meals for one.
Again.

Go out and GAL when they feel like curling up in a ball and dissolving in tears. Try and put on a happy face around said spouse so they don't get the idea that we're actually in a terrible place.
Wouldn't want that. They might feel guilty and not want to be around us.
Not that they really want to be around us anyway.

Facebook faux pas, broken hearts, shattered egos, friends and family members ostracized, jobs lost, mental breakdowns unfolding, and countless dreams destroyed.

It's like the Lifetime Movie Network set permanently on "TRAGIC CIRCUMSTANCES."
Yet another tear-jerker.... it's endless.

Sometimes, honestly, that's why I take breaks. I have so much of my own pain, and the compassion I feel for all of you means it hurts me to read your stories. It's often just too much.

I admire the vets who continue to plug away on here giving support and advice. I can't believe they're not suffering from major burnout. I suppose the desire to give back and help others outweighs the emotional drain.

They have my respect for that.

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YET----
These boards are also a safe place where we can find the support and understanding which is so hard to come by in the real world.

Even my two therapists were not as helpful as you all have been. I got the "Why do you want to cobble this together?" and "He sounds like he's made up his mind about you, time to accept it." speeches from both.
Which is why I haven't gone recently.
And why I've stopped sharing with friends. I get the same from them.

Because no one knows what it's like or what they would do until they've been in your shoes.
And while I wouldn't wish it on anyone, it sure is a great teacher. I said I'd never stay if he cheated... and look at me now.

We are all learning and getting better from this experience and from each other. This board has been a literal lifesaver.
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As much as I'm trying to follow DBing to the letter, and keeping my PMA and GAL and all that going, I have very dark times too.
This is not the only challenge in my life. My plate was full before all this started.

I try to keep my chin up, try to focus on the positive.

Because: Divorce Busting Is Not For Sissies.
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And so, to all the NON-SISSIES here who are fighting the good fight, let me say how grateful I am to all of you for sharing your personal struggles, good and bad, and supporting the others who come here in need of some understanding.

Because every now and then, we celebrate a small victory, whether it is a marriage starting to move towards R, a new baby or job, a new (HOT!) date, or it's a DBer moving forward with their lives and doing a damn fine job of it.

It's watching people grow stronger, get better, and find hope in places where they least expect it that makes coming here and reading a bittersweet experience.

It's quite something, really, this little band of strangers.

Love you guys. <3

----(G)GGG

PS: My use of the word "sissies" was in no way a slight against gay/slight/effeminate/athletically-challenged people. "Wimps" could be used as a substitute. But "sissies" just sounded better.
Or "cowards". Because there are no cowards here.

[kml]

It's like the Lifetime Movie Network set permanently on "TRAGIC CIRCUMSTANCES."

Lolol - so true!