Need help. Scared, confused pt 3

[Jefe]

"To be completely blunt--Your wife should have married OM1 and built a life with him before their daughter was born. You encroached on their family. Not the other way around. So stop believing you are entitled to anything regarding his child. Just because you were given the privilege to raise this child did not eliminate OM1 from this child’s life."

He dumped my wife on the curb, twice, and went back to his ex girlfriend whom already had one of his children and was pregnant with his second. He lied to her and used her. I don't fell like I encroached, I picked up the pieces and chose to give this child a father and a home. He denied her for 5 years. She doesn't know him as her father, she doesn't know him hardly at all. Hope, I don't have the slightest idea who you are other than what I see you type but I trust you with my life right now. You say it's the right thing to do, then I give in. But know my pain also comes from the inappropriate text/photo exchange they were having in Aug, but you have told me I should leave that alone for now, and I have.

I have nothing to repair or "amend" tonight. She called and asked: "So what, are we going to argue for the next 5 minutes, now?" I said "No, we're not." I stated my position, let her know that I just wanted to heard, told her I trust she would make the right decision and left it at that.

She has called and texted since with a pleasant disposition and no further threats of divorce or other nastiness that usually follows a "bad" conversation. So I'd say I think I did OK.

[Jefe]

"I know it makes you angry when he gets the privilege of being a father without responsibility. I know it makes you jealous when you see your wife accommodating him and ignoring you. But she isn’t accommodating him as his wife—she is accommodating him as the child’s mother. And this is the right thing to do."

I understand this, as well. She has told me more than once: "...but I married you... On purpose."

Today is the first morning in almost 2 weeks she hasn't called or checked in. The fear is running rampent through my head.

God did not create us to fear, I will trust in him.

[CaliGuy]

Jefe

This is all part of the process .. push-pull ... come close-run. Remember have patience, you chose to give this to God right? Continue to let it be in His hands and work on you. Keep GAL, 180, and the PMA up.

I would point out if the OM being involved with the daughter has always been a hot topic issue and you both were able to talk about it without a fight you should chalk that up as a win. Keep calm, think big picture here .. heal and rebuild ... let God step in when he needs to.

[Jefe]

Cali, thank you. I have read ^^^ and re-read it probably 50 times today. It has been the thing I leaned on. Some days I just need to hear someone else say it to me.

Today has been "emotional wreck/roller coaster" day, but I survived. I'm punchy, irritable and my poor girls are just being 5 & 7 but they can sure push my buttons sometimes.

I've got to get up out of myself and give this back to God. I keep trying to take it back for some stupid reason.

[Hope414]

Hi Jefe,

I know the issue of the OM1 is a hot button topic. But this issue has been with you since the day you were married so let’s deal with it honestly.

When I say, “honestly” I want to take your narrative out of the conversation and give you a true reality check of the situation.

I agree OM1 is dislikeable. I agree that, by everything I have heard—you are the superior choice for a husband.

But—and this is a big but—You were married during your pursuit of your current wife. OM1 may have had a girlfriend…but you had a wife.

When you and your current wife (then your girlfriend) broke up—you should have gone back to your wife and worked on your marriage. No excuses. You had no right being in any woman’s life other than the woman you exchanged marriage vows with—period.

Yes--OM1 appears to have been a terrible boyfriend but—at all times--he was legally free to marry your wife. He had not promised to love, honor and be faithful until death to another woman while he was impregnating your wife.

So, by the time your current wife became pregnant with OM1’s child—YOU should have been nowhere to be found because YOU should have been busy patching up your marriage. But you weren’t. You went to your current wife and “picked up the pieces” when OM1 dump her. Your concern was not to repair the relationship with your ex but to win back the (then) ex-girlfriend who was pregnant with another man’s baby.

Do you understand how skewed this thinking was?

You history indicates you engage in behavior that benefits you. Then you justify it by vilifying others.

If you don’t believe me re-read how you justified divorcing your first wife.

You have repeatedly vilified OM1 for his actions to your current wife. And, I am not disagreeing with you. All this may be true…but even if he was the worst man on earth: You should have stayed out of it.

Because you were married. And when you and your girlfriend broke up you should have gone home and repaired your marriage. But you didn’t. You wanted your current wife.

Listen to the words you use. You “picked up the pieces and chose to give this child a father and a home.” Very noble. Except you leave out the rest of the story:

You shouldn’t have been there to “pick up the pieces and chose to give this child a father and a home.” By the time there was a need to “pick up the pieces” you should have been nowhere to be found because you show have been on the path to restoring your marriage with your first wife.

So, yes. You do have something to “repair” and “amend.”

As long as you think you did your wife a favor by marrying her you will never save your marriage. If I can see this behavior so can she.

How would you feel if your wife believed she did you a “favor” by marrying you?

Stop it.

This pious attitude is soul crushing and you need a reality check.

You think you did your wife a favor by rescuing her but the truth is you don’t know what damage you did to her relationship with OM1 by being in the picture. For all you know, if you hadn’t been there to “pick up the pieces” maybe he wouldn’t have denied his daughter for 5 years. Maybe he would have realized her value and left his other girlfriend and married her. The only thing you have is speculation based on what you believe the future may have held.

You don’t know what her future really would have been.

But if you get completely honest—you know what your future really should have been. And you know what you should have done. You knew right from wrong as a husband but you choose wrong.

Fine.

But at least be honest about your choices.

Admit you don’t know what would have happened to her if you would have stayed with your first wife. Admit there is a possibility that she may have married the father of her child. Admit you interfered in something you should not have interfered in because you wanted something you should not have wanted.

So, yes. You did encroach. You did not rescue or save.

You honestly don’t know what you did to their relationship because you haven’t been paying attention.

So take the blinders off your eyes and stop seeing yourself as her Savior. As the “better man.” As the person who rescued your wife from this awful, horrible man who abandoned her and her child.

You took what you wanted and you did it at the high cost of your marriage vows. You had the option of going back to your ex but it wasn’t an option you wanted. Divorced people fight to get their spouse back all the time. You didn’t fight for your ex-wife. You fought for your ex-girlfriend.

Have a reality check about your role. You fought dirty and you won. Okay. But be honest with yourself about it and stop pretending that your motives were noble. You waited for an opportunity to strike and you took it.

Although I think your actions were noble there is no doubt your motives were not.

You wanted your current wife and you were willing to step over your ex and anyone else to get her. Please stop acting as if there was some act of altruism behind your marriage.

Now, regarding the inappropriate text/photo exchange: To be clear, I haven’t said a word about this issue yet. I actually have something to say about this but not now. This issue needs to be addressed but this is not the appropriate time to address it.

However, I will comment about the fact that you brought it up just now: I have noticed when you feel cornered you tattle on your wife.

Jefe, I think your greatest asset is your heart. It is huge. You have an amazing capacity for love and forgiveness. If you embrace this asset I truly believe you will be irresistible to your wife.

But I think your greatest liability is the need to be vindicated when you believe you have been wronged. If you embrace this quality you will surely lose your wife.

[Jefe]

Touche.

What on earth do I do now, then?

[Hope414]

Soften you heart toward your wife's bad choices because one of her bad choices was you.

And thank goodness she choose you because she gave both of you an opportunity to have a life together.

You have a very valuable tool in your toolbox--the ability to push forward and steer the boat in rough waters. This is rare in today's society and extremely valuable when you have a skittish spouse.

Use your leadership skills to bring her back to the marriage with gentleness and love. It will be easy when you approach your marriage with humility realizing that she could have married anyone, but she choose you.

If you have the attitude you rescued her. That puts you on a pedestal. But if you have the attitude she compliments your life and fulfills you--that puts her on a pedestal.

And here is a secret about woman: There is nothing more attractive to a woman than a man who thinks they (the woman) is perfect. Not creepy, stalker perfect.

But the man who sees our flaws and doesn't care. The man who sees us without make up and genuinely believes we look 'cute." The man who loves the extra 5 pounds we gained because it makes us more cuddly. The man who listened to our 10-minute screaming fit, following by the 5-minute crying jag and thought we must have been adorable as a child.

I guarantee if this man is genuine he will be adored by his woman. Husbands love your wife as Christ loved the Church. These words are not random. God really does understand how to win a woman's heart.

[Jefe]

Ok, opportunity presented itself today for me to talk to the wife. We were having a little bit of a sweet moment on the phone and I told her that I knew how important om1 and d7's relationship was to her. I told her I understood what she was trying to do and that I wanted to move that direction and maybe more. I said I don't want to fight about om1 ever again. It's just not worth it.

I prayed and prayed about what I was supposed to say and that God would help me form the words and present an opportunity for me to say it and for her to hear it. God delivered in less than an hour. My wife received it well.

Hope,I do love my wife like that I just need to get a whole lot better at showing it. This makes me so uncomfortable to make the phone call that I made but I know it's what's right for my wife.

[Jefe]

I just went back through our portraits spanning the years since D7 was born and gathered several poses from each year and made him a package. I can't believe I just did that.

Hope, after you got done tearing me a new one, I turned Joyce Meyer on and her message basically hit me between the eyes as well.

7 times 70 times, right?

[Hope414]

Jefe,

Did you just say you made OM1 a package of photos of D7 spanning every year from when she was born until now?

If this is what you did...this is an amazingly unselfish act of empathy to the biological father. Especially knowing how you feel about him.

I can't imagine how difficult this was for you.

Wow.

70 x 700.