Inside my chrysalis 6

[uRworthy]

I just hold on because I'm pretty sure he's not coming back but the reality is, me holding onto him doesn't really keep him here, right?

Yep. It doesnt keep him there. Not for the right reasons, anyway. Here's the thing, SS. When it first happens, we are in shock and hurt and scared. Our kneejerk reaction is to try to hold on as tight as we can. In our mind, that gives us some control. But in reality, it causes a different kind of reaction from the person we are holding on to. They see it as us not hearing what they want. They see it as more of the same.

So the holding on by us really winds up stopping the forward motion in them. And honestly, you dont want to stop that. You want them to look within. You want to begin working on you.

Because the truth is, the old marriage is gone. That doesnt mean there cant be a new, amazing marriage in the future.

The thing is that the sooner you let go, the sooner you get to the good parts. Yea, you read that right.

This is an incredible opportunity for you to become your best self. It is an opportunity for you to get good and strong and confident. So that if your spouse looks towards you in the future, you can decide what is best for you from a place of strength and not fear.

Trust me that whether you worry has no effect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can.

Detachment isn't what I'm known for. Is anyone known for detachment?

People misunderstand detachiment and letting go. It doesnt mean you no longer care. It means that you are no longer going to allow his words or actions to affect yours.

Each day you should try to be the person you want to be. Some days you will make it, some you wont, but, that should always be the goal.

I'm trying to be forgiving of myself...

Here's how I feel about forgiving oneself. Did I do things in my marriage to cause harm to it? Yes, I did. But whatever I did or didnt do wasnt with the INTENT to cause harm to it or my h. I did the best I could with the knowledge and tools I had at the time. Had I known better, I would have done better.

and accept that I have limits to my perfection.

Yea, you need to let that stuff go. Because in the grand scheme of things, most stuff just isnt that important. People are. Memories are. Feelings are. The rest....just doesnt matter.

SS, let him go. Leave him to figure his stuff out. You do yours.

So, tell me more about you. What are the things you think need changing? What are you doing about changing them?

[Ss06]

And SS, it's time for lunch here. I'm pretty sure that's your fault somehow.

This made me laugh. Thank you rppfl. I needed that.

[Ss06]

uRworthy, your post is so timely. Thank you.

I genuinely am trying to let him figure out his stuff. I'm leaving him alone to do it. This doesn't mean that I trust he WILL do it but I'm leaving him alone to do it. Baby steps, right?

Me? What do I need to change? Where does one begin when the list is so long?

I was a condescending shrew of a wife. I was resentful and frustrated with lots of unmet needs. I also wasn't very good at meeting his and we had a terrible SSM. I was critical and unempathetic, didn't love him the way he needs to be loved and wasn't very respectful.

What am I doing about changing these things, uRworthy?

I am getting to the root of my reactive communication problem. I am working through resentment by finding MY ROLE in it. I am owning my faults with NO excuses and NO "but he"s added to them. I am learning patience and acceptance of others as well as myself. I am learning to lean into the discomfort (this is so, so hard) and find peace somewhere in it. I am finding my values and why I struggle with upholding them when faced with people who disagree with me. I am learning that I have value outside of "what I bring to the table".

I am reading. A lot.

I am journaling. A lot.

I am asking the universe to guide me.

I am trying to hold my own hand through this, locate my big girl panties and with hope, never end up on the floor next to the vacuum again.

I am being the best mom I know how to be given the circumstances.

I am sitting with all the icky stuff inside me and observing it.

What else? Any insight on any of that? Any guidance?


On a very separate note:

I just had an incredible frustrating morning. D dawdles in the morning when she should be getting dressed so it takes forever (ok, not forever but about 30 minutes longer than it should given she wears a uniform to school). I got into it with her about that and then immediately felt guilty becuase I hated going to school after having been read the riot act by my mother as a kid.

I loathed it. I dreaded it. I was afraid to go home.

I don't want that for her and the guilt is eating me. Ugh. I apologized while we were on our way to school and asked for her help in coming up with ways to speed up her dressing process but I still feel terrible for how I initially handled the whole thing.

THEN, I came home to get ready for my IC appointment and somehow dropped my phone into the toilet. Yep. It was a clean bowl but I found myself reaching right in and dashing to a bag of rice. It worked enough for the phone to turn on and for me to back it up but yeah.

Then I cried through my IC session. My IC is great. A little clinical but very sensitive and encouraging. She is also stumped by H's "I miss D" and "sure! move to Norcal!" as well as his staunch closed heart.

I had an hour before my DB coaching session to get home, back up my phone (which seemed to work) and see if my phone would work enough for me to make that call. It turned on but I couldn't make a call, send or receive texts. I know no one who was home so I could use their phone. Ugh.

So I missed my DB coaching session.

I got in the car to head to the apple store and it took me an HOUR to go 4 exits because there was a fatality accident. I thought my day was going poorly... turns out someone else's was worse.

Got to the Apple store and after about 45 minutes of waiting (I didn't have an appointment) I now have a new phone but after restoring it on my desktop it is showing "recent texts" from August 2013. Um. That's not recent and I've backed up monthly since then. Great. Just lovely.

Luckily I'm alive, D is well and I have you folks. Phones don't matter that much in the scheme of things and I am not dead on the side of the freeway.

Gratitude.

[Jefe]

"I was a condescending shrew of a wife. I was resentful and frustrated with lots of unmet needs. I also wasn't very good at meeting his and we had a terrible SSM. I was critical and unempathetic, didn't love him the way he needs to be loved and wasn't very respectful.

^^ This is powerful. It gives me much respect for you. Stick with it.

And yes, we're all glad you're not dead on the side of the highway.

[uRworthy]

Yea, you cant control whether he does the work. All you can do it do yours.

Ok, so, you listed your stuff. When I went through mine, I tried to remember that looking back on all of it, it is very clear. But when you are in the thick of it, trying to live your life it isnt clear. If it was, you would have done something different.

As I said, I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. Not an excuse, but, understanding that I wasnt intentionally doing the things I did made a difference to me. We sometimes let the feelings of guilt stop us from doing all we need to do.

So, you are doing some good stuff. I think you need to dig in deep here. What was your childhood like? We often do what we know. It becomes our comfort zone.

Were you always the way you say you were in your marriage?
If not, when and why did it change?

While you do not want to use your h's actions as an excuse for your behavior, they play a big part in how you acted and reacted.

Ok, so about your daughter. What can you put into place to stop you from reacting in a way that you dont want to? Can you leave the room for a minute? Snap a rubberband on your wrist. Sing a song or say a prayer in your head. Count to 20.

Learn to recognize that you are starting to get heated and redirect.

I think you did great in speaking with your daughter. As I said, guilt often stops us from doing what we need to and you have to push through it.

It was a kind of crappy day. But yea, perspective, right?

[Maybell]

I used timers and reward charts to teach my kids to move in the mornings. And I built dawdle time into the timer & schedule. That helped all of us.

[Jefe]

Timers, what an excellent idea. Schedules we have.

[Ss06]

So, you are doing some good stuff. I think you need to dig in deep here. What was your childhood like? We often do what we know. It becomes our comfort zone.

Oh this is a big question, Urworthy. I've mentioned it before in earlier posts but suffice it to say, my childhood is a petri dish of dysfunction.

My mother abused the crap out of the three of us. My swim coach saw bruises on my neck in high school and reported my mom to DCS. Four months later she threatened to kill me and I believed her. DCS "detained" me from the home but left my little brother (my older brother was 18 and therefore not part of the case) at home. I lived in foster care for 8 months, a group home for a year (where there wasn't enough food and what food there was had bugs in it) and then lived with my swim coaches for my senior year. At the end of my junior year my little brother told me (we had to meet in secret to talk because my mom wouldn't allow him to communicate with me) they were moving back to Georgia and left me in CA. Alone.

My father was charged with neglect at the same time my mother was charged with abuse.

My mom has borderline personality disorder (think Mommy Dearest times 10 - no exaggeration), is a raging narcissist, is a recovering alcoholic and compulsive liar. It has also been said by a couple therapists that she suffers from paranoia and multiple personality disorder.

In the end it doesn't matter because she refused medication which is why the courts wouldn't allow me to move back home.

We were in "family reunification therapy" as required by the court. She befriended the therapist and they hung out and went to the movies on the weekends. That's just how she is. Incredibly brilliant (she is a chemistry professor), hilarious, interesting and fun to be around... when she's not beating her children for not cleaning the refrigerator properly at age 6.

Anyway, yes, I've been in extensive therapy for years for all that. It's no longer painful but it was my foundation.

I am generally pretty good at stopping myself when I start sounding like my mom, even a little bit. I'll rephrase or change my tone and then later address the internal feelings of angst, frustration, anxiety, etc.

Strangely, while I have never laid a hand on my D and never will because of my childhood and breaking the chain of abuse and all that...

... I fear I instead verbally abused my husband and look where that has landed me.

[claire7]

There are some hugely important takeaways for you. Clear evidence of moving in the right direction. Can you see it and name it?!

[Ss06]

No claire. i can't. Care to point it (them?) out?