Sandi has been posting some good points on this but I've not quite figured the in practice bit.
Basically she said WAW has no interest in an attachment with you emotionally or otherwise - in fact at the moment mine is DESPERATE to break all connection, to escape so she can guilt free pursue OM (and the meaningless hookups she says she wants) - what i think that means is that the more we try to be nice it just makes us look weak and needy which she won't respect.
Not quite figured out what that means at the moment for what I should do. If I don't intimate conversation at all then it just seems rude so a bit stuck on what to do. Doubt that helps but it might.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Yeah, I certainly dont do anything pleading or pursuing or overly nice. My fear is that I'm going too far in the opposite direction and just seem totally cold. With our schedules and all the coming and going, i can go a day or two or three without saying anything of substance at all to my W. it just feels really weird.
last night, i sensed that she was agitated about that letter Though I really didnt know what to say, aside from "well..what did you expect?" Ive gotten good at detecting when my reaction to her will be anger or emotion, and I check it, but then my response is just.....nothing. And i find myself second guessing that lack of a reaction, as it would be an example of me "shutting down" which my W dislikes. hard to find the right tack there.
oldest son came back downstairs shortly after she told me about the letter, so i went back up with him. when i came down, she was on the phone outside looking concerned, so i didnt want to intrude (prob talking with BFF about the letter). then when I went to check on her again she had left the house (to return the extra sleepers she bought). so no conversation about the letter. i went to bed.
this didnt feel right to me, so I sent her a text this morning telling her that I am open to talk about the letter if she wants, and that I was looking for her last night. I want to seem like I'm available for discussions that are important, right? she responded that she emailed his teacher and the contact listed in the letter. she didnt say WHAT she emailed the teacher though. should i ask?
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
I'm contemplating responding that S6 must have told his teacher something. Or should I let her reach that conclusion on her own. She's not likely to. I suppose the teacher will just tell her what she knows.
I just hate feeling "complicit" in hiding this. W clearly feels shame of some kind here and wants me to share in that somehow.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
123, learn to act on your own core principles, and LEAD your family, letting the chips fall where they may. Stop worrying about how your wife will react to everything. That is ATTRACTIVE.
Gotcha. I guess I know what you mean but not exactly how to put it into practice. I feel like I am leading my family and W is just along for the ride. My main issue is if I should embrace my principle that I wont accept an open marriage. But I worry that its too soon for that.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Yup. Ive been writing a letter in my head for weeks now, outlining the principles that I'd like to officially "declare" with W. As an exercise for me, of course, but also with the intention of giving to her. Not a letter asking her to do anything, not pleading or stating any case for our M. I feel like she doesnt take me seriously. Maybe I dont take myself seriously.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
