I am torn on this one. I found that sometimes my ex would really listen to me and some of the logic would get through to him. So my situation was somewhat different because he could be receptive - it just didn't stick after more contact with the OW. If you think your wife is receptive, then it might be worth a try (although others here will probably slap me).
However, what I needed to do when talking to him was the following:
* stay calm and don't lose my cool / get emotional. Don't take it personally * learn to stop the conversation when it starts going downhill * try not to accuse him of things or trigger the guilt flight response * really listen and validate when you can * don't put pressure on them if you are not ready for a decision
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
Spent the weekend with my brother helping my mum move house. So lots of shifting furniture and unpacking boxes of miscellaneous junk. Unfortunately spent a lot of the time thinking about my W and how much I hate this.
I was out the house from 0700 Friday until 1600 sunday so got a couple of hours with my kids. W was really cross about how early i came back today but didn't say anything just had a couple of digs and spent most of the time messaging someone.
Still I had a couple of hours with the kids which was nice even if they were shattered.
As soon as they were in bed W disappeared into her room and left all the tidying to me - typical at the moment.
I did stop her briefly to thank her for always being so supportive of my mum (she has MS) and that I know how hard my mum made it for her by always talking about my ex. She simply said 'well I tried' and walked.
Now cooking a massive curry.
Last edited by jim0987; 10/26/1407:39 PM.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
W: I can go away if you want M: I'm not sure. I wouldn't let anyone else who is so angry at me sit on my bed W: I'm not angry at you I'm angry at being stuck here. I don't want to be here M: youve been angry at me for a long time and I don't know why W: I've explained it loads of times M: no you havent, you avoid or shut me down W: I'm not talking about this M: I would like to know what has made you so unhappy you would choose to break up our family W: I've told you loads of times. I'm not going over it again M: well I don't feel like you have. W: I don't want deal with these kind if conversations any more M: I get that but that doesn't explain things W: I've been miserable for a long time and you never did enough to support me M: OK. I would like to know what I should have done. I know what I did do and I can think of things that I was too afraid to do but I'm just guessing at what I should have done W: I'm not going to talk about it M: when you feel like you can I would like to know what I should have done to support you
(Pause - 3 minutes or so)
W: have you booked your mortgage appointment yet. M: yes its on Thursday. My solicitor has okayed the draft agreement so after Thursday I can send that accross W: I've not seen it yet. M: I sent you a copy weeks ago. W: well I wasn't happy with it M: its fine. My solicitor was talking form and legal standing. The specifics are to be agreed
Stupid stupid stupid
How much harm have I done with this?
This really is the most horrible experience of my life
Last edited by jim0987; 10/27/1406:31 AM.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
So thinking on this morning and one of my 180s (to show more empathy) I think I should email my W with something like:
Hey xxxxx
Sorry about this morning. I imagine it made you very uncomfortable which was absolutely not my intent.
I thought that letting you know about the draft agreement would reassure you that there is some progress but you weren't expecting it and I shouldn't have caught you off guard like that.
I hope you're having a good day
Xxxxx
Does this sound right?
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
It would be a 180 for me. my empathy was never great and I really didn't show it very well so I suppose I'm just trying to validate her feelings and recognise that what I did was inappropriate.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Harder to do when 8 weeks ago I had unshakable faith that the problems in my M were just a temporary affect of raising two small kids.
Trying my best and reserving my best for my W and kids. Means my friends are copping the worst of my depression though.
She's a ship lost in a fog and I need to make sure I'm the brightest lighthouse.
The last sentence is something you should place in your wallet to look at each day.
Reserving your best for you kids is the key priority. Being good, mature, and a leader with confidence in front of your wife will be hard, but it is how you can save your M.
She has checked out and detatched. So she has to notice something different about you. She has to become attracted to you and decide to change the way she treats you, if the M is to survive. Your working on GAL, will dispell your depression, it will give you confidence and skills that will allow you to be an interesting leader for your W.
GAL, 180's are critical to DB. If you are really making GAL changes they will help cure your depression and your friends will be among the first to notice. Before my wife noticed some of my weight loss and improved fitness it was some of her friends at a work related party who commented on how good I looked that caused my W to take a whole new look at me. She had made a point of ignoring my GAL progress. Your wife has a lot invested in her detatchment. It will take a while for her to notice your GAL, but ultimately, she will and be surprised by the new you.
In therapy, when the sex therapist told my wife that my wife could choose to keep doing what she was doing, but it would result in divorce and asked my wife if she knew that. My wife said she did. The therapist then said if there is a divorce, it would be the consequences of my wife's choice to continue and ultimately her responsibility, not mine. The therapist finally told my wife that other women would be thrilled to have a man like me and did she know that. My wife said that yes, if there were a divorce I would likely easily find a woman who would provide me with the love I needed.
The point is that it will be your W that determines whether your marriage heals or not. You can do things by changing the way you act that may cause her to come to grips with whether she wants the M to end or not. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to force her to save the M. You just have to do all the DB steps and have faith that God has a plan for you.
Good luck.
P.S. if you want to work on your emphathy, why don't you start with your kids and let your wife see the new empathetic you in your relationship with your kids. Don't make any covert contracts to gain your wife's love, that is such a Nice Guy thing and not really attractive to most women. Still if Quality Time is one of her LL's then listening and being empathetic to topics she brings up and things she wants to discuss if a fine thing to do. Just don't bring it up out of the blue or when it was over say, "Did you see how empathetic I was with you today?"
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
