"They are just weak people who are easily led astray by passing emotions and urges."
^^^ I think this is closer to the truth than anything. Relationships take hard work. It's always easier to just do what feels good.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
These seemingly swift changes in attitude are indeed baffling.
And I also agree with Zues that these flowery signs of love are warnings that they are trying to convince themselves that they should stay with you. My H bought me some very expensive gifts a month before BD. After BD I asked why he would buy expensive gifts out of the blue when he was unhappy in our relationship and he said that he bought them because "I loved you, I mean, I love you". What? I think he felt guilty that he was unhappy and flirting with OW.
On the other hand, the flowery love BS can go the opposite way when they spew hateful things. I think it is best to follow the advice to not listen to a word they say! At BD my H said things like "we are just different and we want different things in life" and then 2 weeks ago he told me we should be friends because "we are so much alike, have everything in common and see things the same way"... ??? Oh and at BD "you are too nice to me and compliment me too much" and then 2 weeks ago "you gave me so much confidence and now I feel insecure without you". Sigh.
I think it was Georgiabelle who said that although BD is a shock to most of us, the WAS has been silently stewing for a while, waffling back and forth in their own minds about what they want. If only they had let us in on the crisis before it exploded, maybe we could have done something. Alas.
I agree, Lisa, and its yet another indication that they operate in emotion and feelings and not out of sense of obligation to the vows.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
From what I have read too that the overcompensation of loving acts is also a reaction to the guilt of them cheating, or thinking of cheating.
I have a framed letter from her before it wall went down saying I am the best husband ever.
They are mental, there is nothing you can do until they heal.
Me: 35 Her: 33 D : 16 S : 9 Together: 14 years Married: 12 She left 4/14/2014 Separated: 5/25/2014 OM Confirmed 7/2014 She filed 8/7/2014 I Filed 10/21/2014 Divorce final 2/12/2015
Hey Card, saw on the other thread (Ahoy' s?) Bout your wife's FB post. What was yours (from last year)? My W did the same thing last December. I was visiting and had a dozen roses sent to her hospital on the anniversary of our first date & engagement. She posted pic of the roses. Her post "this week marked 15 yrs since our first date & 11 since we got engaged. Glad life is full of so many good surprises." Nice huh
Her post came just before I got back from a 2 week business trip to Europe in December 2013. I'd never taken a trip like that by myself. Her post went something like:
"Tomorrow, H returns home after being gone for two weeks. It has felt like an eternity. In our 9 years together, we have never been apart this long. here's hoping it's another 9 years before we have to be apart this long again"
And I know she meant it. Just before I left for Europe, she told me that our R was the best it had ever been, even compared to when we first met, and I totally agreed. I had fallen back in love with her, we were truly dating, we had an amazing romantic getaway, our first solo trip since the arrival of D. It was beautiful. We ended the year by getting pregnant, and SO excited to be expanding our family. Then the new year comes, we have a miscarriage, it wrecks her, she disappeared into her coursework for her mandatory MBA, and next thing I know, she gets back from her own 2 week Europe trip (part of business school curriculum), and my world falls apart (BD). I thought we were still in our "best spot ever", and I was just holding down the fort while she gets through school. 4 months later, when I think about this timeline, I can't believe life is real right now. I really hope she wakes up and see what I see someday.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I think it was Georgiabelle who said that although BD is a shock to most of us, the WAS has been silently stewing for a while, waffling back and forth in their own minds about what they want. If only they had let us in on the crisis before it exploded, maybe we could have done something. Alas.
This is the one thing I sometimes struggle with forgetting about - if I'd only known. Hindsight is 20/20, and now that Ive finally learned some things about what a sustainable, reliable M looks like, I could have seen the warning signs years ago. but as much as I'd give to have had this knowledge years ago, I simply didn't. I was well intentioned, just ignorant.
As you say, alas.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I am glad I read this thread today. I had just looked at my W anniversary post just 2 weeks before she took off with kids. "Five years ago today, I married my best friend. I will never forget the look on the judges face, when little S10 came and stood between CMS and I. I told that judge that he best not stop. lol It has been quite a journey to get to where we are today. I was watching the video CMS made for me and memories started pouring in of all the good times we have had, and just how much we have grown and changed. I can't imagine a life without this wonderful man as my husband. He has been a gift from God given special to me. And for that I am forever Blessed. I look forward to all the years we have ahead of us, and so many more wonderful memories to come. I sure do love you Husband!"
"Her reply to my post was I love you with all my heart and life is a celebration with you in it"
I was confused and just wondering what changed in a couple weeks. then I read on here I am not alone. Situation are unique for each person but there is so much common threads between us as well.
Me 38 WAW 40 S 10 S 5 M 5 years BD 10/04/14 S 10/04/14
I definitely think it must be a sign of their internal struggle - kind of like two lawyers making their cases.
About 3 weeks before BD I made a comment to my W about people who suddenly renew their wedding vows being in trouble. She said nothing about her concerns
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
After reading all of this, I'm conflicted about my W's FB post from last December. On one hand, we did have a tremendous fall. She is not that good of an actress, so I think I would have picked up on her faking it. There were serious sparks flying - fun dates, couldn't wait to see each other, had midday lunch dates during the week, spontaneous sex. That part of me thinks she was just as in love as I was/am, and she just fell out due to the miscarriage, 5 months of no alone time due to school, and this guy in her class she had a bit of an EA with.
On other hand, I recently learned of the phrase "terminally unique", apparently used in AA meetings. If you think you are special, unique or different to where the rules or average behaviors don't apply to you, you will kill yourself with they mentality. When I see the same thing from everyone else, I can't help but wonder if she really was trying to fake it to make it. She did tell me in July that she had been apathetic about our M for 2 years. But I had just read DR (she'll speak in absolute negatives, believe 0% of what you hear and 1/2 of what you see), so I didn't believe her that it was that long. I think she convinced herself of that to make it easier to leave (easier than "well we've been together for 10 years, but I haven't felt it the last 2 months so I'm out").
I'm still think we both loved each other last fall, but it's good to be aware of this possibility. Either way I'm not obsessing about it. I know the road back to love is walkable, but it requires her to want to take the steps. So patience, patience, patience
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
